Christianity Oasis Forum

[vahn]

Given wings to fly took away the sky would be a more appropriate title for where I'm at today .

I didnt know where else to post this but considering the fact that this site doesn't host a farewell forum also this being being my fave forum outa habit , here I am .

Jumping right to the point , the last thing I want to do is leave , but that doesn't change the fact that this is exactly what my thoughts are , and yes they are for very selfish reasons which I will try to explain with the sole reason that I know for a fact leaving will cause me more pain than staying.
Yes , you guessed it , I am in dire need of help with this , and I'm just simply going the roundabout way of doing so ok ?

See , I didnt come here to make friends or to meet God or find some camaraderie , or even "someone to talk to" or a chatterbug , I had already met God Who had Graced me with an abundance of friends & company that I knew what to do with and in fact I still do for that matter !!

I am , by the way , fully aware of the fact that I am sounding like a whiner , in fact if I had ever whined , this would be the one to top it all . So be it . I dont speak , I dont get heard , no hear no help .

Prior to coming here , ( and I am taking liberties sharing the same issue with another member , but please bear in mind that this has absolutely nothing to do with this person ok ? ) , I was at the stage thinking I was on the verge of losing my faith , the reason ?
A while back , some 20 or so years ago ( figurative) I lost my very person that I ever truly loved to suicide , and because of the fact that I carried that in secret all the other relationships with another human being ended up in complete defeat , hurt and sorrow following each disaster , and so I decided to never again to let anyone to get closer than an arm reach from me for the next twenty years or so covering it all up with drugs and alcohol , yes 20 years of utter torture , that no amount of alcohol or drug would even come close to act as asoothing ointment , let alone cover it !! And when all the scorecards read zero the only two options I had left were , suicide or God . I chose suicide , obviously He had other plans . I was so messed up I even screwed up my own departure , begging ,cursing , wailing , shouting to the God that took away my love , to show me what was it that He wanted from me , He said , (and this is by the way the first time I'm sharing this ever !) I literally heard Him say , "Vahn , I AM Love , and I want you to show everyone else you meet who I Am "
Yeah , this loveless , hopeless creature of me , uh huh !!
Sobriety , trials in loving other drunks , marriage , bringing a child to this world later , the fog started settling again that in turn brought me back to my knees again , only this time to having failed Him , once again , His answer ? Christianity Oasis , "what ? a web site ? Well , Your will my command" . Ever since then, save a brief length of time I thought I was getting somewhere , my posts had been nothing but negative in starting but always positive and enlightening in ending , that's to include through the times of my daughter's passing , and all of a sudden , like a flash in the dark , literally , it came to me , I was given the ability to love again .

Ok , back to the drawing board , "ok Pops , what's up ? " His answer ? "You're right where I want you !! " fear , cowardice , "not good enough" feelings , and I cants later , I thought I had arrived , all I had to do is receive and accept and do the best I can with it , and it just so happens that this person had been instrumental with all this from the day go , ( I collected and read ALL of my posts [inventory] ) and without knowing it it was this very person that showed me how to do it , the ability to love again !!
When I finally got enough courage to bare all to this person , for by now it was too late for me to do anything else , it was torture to keep it in any longer . Back to my knees ask , meditate , pray , go .

Answer ? " Oh , I'm waiting for God's guidance " I'm going hmmm ,Isn't that interesting ? oh , and if that wasnt interesting enough , here's another , " Oh , I'm married to Jesus so ... "

My thoughts at this moment ? though I hope it would change , that's the reason for asking for help , is " Ever occurred to you that you just might be married to a web site ? "

This kind of thoughts just eat me up inside , it had all day , to think like that toward ppl who went out of their way to do God's work to give me back the ability to love again , only to realize that I had been tossed into the air and being walked away from forgetting to catch me on the way down .

Harsh words ? maybe ! but not as harsh as it is inside , and staying may just make it worse , and I dont even wish that on my worse enemy .

If lost souls are enemies of God , what are they doing here !! In God's "house" ?

[mlg]

hey vahn,

As I asked earlier...did you consult God on this decision? Yes I already know the answer, but anytime we decide we want to make a decision, it's best to make sure it's God's will...cuz if not...well ya know the rest.

luv ya

[Mackenaw]

Hello Vahn,

It is obvious you are upset, and it sounds that you are upset with "man" in your quest to be in God's will. Yet, if you look closer, it is God that you are upset with. He knows your struggle and The Lord loves you still, and He will continue to direct your walk and comfort you.

Hold tight and listen for Him. I'm praying for you, Vahn. God's will be done.

In His love,
Mack

[vahn]

You dont ask , you dont get ! right ?

First off , let me please to express my utmost gratitude for the help from all that cared enough to extend God's hand for me to reach for , both here and thru PM's . Obviously I could not have come out of that temporary lapse of sanity I was in without all of you .

I did know what I was thinking was not rational and that it was "man" or flesh or what have you , as Mac put it . I was going about all this with the absence of God , I just hope that I didnt inadvertently offend , upset or anything of that nature , that was absolutely not my intent ok ?

I did take MLG's advice , however , I didnt think a foxhole prayer would suffice , so I took the day off just to spend in the company of my all Loving God . What does that Guy know anyway huh ? He says " I knew you would act like that vahn , but what I didnt know was , if you were going to come back to Me , but I'm glad you did , for I'd been waiting . Here's what I have to tell you vahn , you know that blind man that My Son restored his sight ? " I said " yeeess ???" He said " You never heard what happened to him afterward do you ? " I said " I dont recall anyone telling me except for the fact that he was happy !?! " He said " That fool walked right into a camel !! . See , he knew what a camel was but he didn't know what it looked like , he still had to learn how to walk without a stick and having to "feel" his way around , and also , he didn't know that he still needed My Son to show him around and tutor him , in his excitement he ran right into the street and into traffic without asking My Son for His hand just because he thought he didn't need the cane anymore it didn't mean he didn't need a Hand ."

Thank you ALL .

[Guest]

Vahn,

I'm so happy you choose to the let our Lord guide you in your decisions.

Me would miss you tons!

luv ya

[mlg]

God's way is always the best way.

luv ya

[deetu]

glad you decided to stay vahn

I just finished reading (second time) Making Sense of Spiritual Warfare by Eddie Smith. In it, his wife told of a time that God gave her the names of the spirits over her city. She "zealously attacked them in fervent warfare" for several weeks, at which point, a counter attack came against her. She became ill and almost died, she and her husband both needed six major surgeries within 14 months, their savings was getting low, and they were in danger of losing their home. When she was praying about their experiences, the Lord clearly stated that He told her the spirits but she never asked Him what to do with the revelation.

We have to always remember to ask God for direction before we do something. If there is hesitation and you're not sure if it's the right thing to do, the enemy likes to slip whispers in, trying to mess things up.

[vahn]

Thnx D2 , quite insightful and I do agree , and needless to say that is exactly where I was at the time , in the middle of this great big confusion , to say the least , and obviously I dont do confusions very well if at all . See , God is no author of confusion so ... I know and I dont do ANYTHING without asking for guidance from Him first in all my undertakings , I mean I dont even put my shoes on without asking Him if there's a reason for me to do so first ( overdoing ? maybe ! but hey if it works , dont fix it right ? ) so that's how I know the confusion is not on my side of the street , so that leaves me with one other option right ? If its not from God , then it must be from the enemy , that's where my frustration lies , he is working thru a person, but which ? Obviously its not the person directly involved in this whole mess ! so that leaves two more , and I normally would think it's none of my business except for the fact it's causing more damage to the person I care about than me , which in turn makes it mine . Not being able to pinpoint where the enemy's front is , naturally frustration turns to anger and I know better than to direct my anger to either God , the people involved nor myself , my anger is toward the enemy cuz all of these ppl I hold dear to my heart and I feel like I'm walking in a mine field .

Boy , maybe I should copy all this and paste it as a new post huh ?

In any case , I thank you for the input very much and God bless