What are you afraid of?

[flutemusic67]

Hello, my dear friends in Christ.

When you are in an abusive situation and you want to leave, what stops you? What are your fears?

I had several fears before leaving my husband. Among them was the loss of financial security, not having my own car, and raising our daughter on my own.

God gave me the strength to leave my ex. He helped me to overcome the fears and showed me how to remove one obstacle at a time.

Yeah, it was tough and I broke down crying many times. But the day I left was the happiest day of my life. Felt like a nightmare ended. Never once regretted leaving that situation.

YOU can do it too.

So, let's talk about what is holding you back. You've got nothing to lose. It's anonymous, right? Worst thing that can happen by opening up is you get some support by your sister in Christ.



Deuteronomy 31:6:

6 Be strong and of a good courage, fear not, nor be afraid of them: for the LORD thy God, he it is that doth go with thee; he will not fail thee, nor forsake thee.

[rmarie]

The thing that keeps me in the abusive situation that I am in is that I believe that I deserve it. I know I don't, but it is stuck in my head that I am what he says. I am all those things. I know in my heart that it is not true, but I believe him.

[flutemusic67]

The thing that keeps me in the abusive situation that I am in is that I believe that I deserve it. I know I don't, but it is stuck in my head that I am what he says. I am all those things. I know in my heart that it is not true, but I believe him.

My dear, sweet friend. You do NOT deserve it. No one deserves it. Get those thoughts out of your head. There is only one who should judge you and that is our God.

I get bad thoughts like that in my head too. Our enemy puts them there. You have to stop listening to them and believing them. Replace them with words of hope and love. Down below are a few links from the CCCC program. You have already gone through the whole thing. But maybe if you pull up these few and keep going over them, you will get those bad thoughts replaced with good ones.

Other things you can do is listen to Christian music, read the Bible, pray, talk to other Christians here at Oasis or at church, or write in a journal.

http://www.christianityoasis.com/CCCC/StepSix.htm

http://www.christianityoasis.com/CCCC/StepEight.htm

http://www.christianityoasis.com/Keywor ... urMind.htm

Keep the faith, sis. God is with you. Let go of your problems and let God remove them.

[Dora]

rmarie,
I too felt I deserved it. My husband didn't abuse me, my father did. So I tried to get my husband to abuse me as I felt I needed to have what I deserved. Kinda like an ingrained sickness I think. Seems to be simular to self harm. Only we don't have to harm ourselves as the men do it for us.
You don't have to receive punishment as Jesus paid the price, removing all your sin from you on the cross. He took your sin in his own body on the cross and died so that you could be forgiven. You are completely forgiven for any sins. No one deserves to be beatin. No matter what they've done.

[flutemusic67]

Amen, pine, amen.

I think another reason some of us tend to push men like that is because we don't feel worthy of them either and we want to see how much they will take before leaving us.

Cause deep down, I know it's gonna happen eventually anyway. At least to me.

[---]

I'm afraid of many things:

I'm afraid that my husband will go crazy and really hurt me if I leave. Sometimes I feel as if as long as I'm here, I can keep the peace...or try to.

I'm afraid of what everyone will think. He's well thought of in our church and community.

I'm afraid that my children will resent me = they adore him.

[Dora]

Hello Kyteacher.

Do you trust a pastor or elder if you were to go to them and reveal the truth?

It is not healthy for your children to grow up in a home where the man is hurting the woman. They come to believe this is normal. The boys could grow up to do the same to their wives, the girls grow up thinking they are to be beaten.

Don't wait till the sinkness is ingrained in them. Getting help, will help your children.

They may be angry. Children get angry when they don't get their way. But as adults we have to make sure they get what is best even if it's not their way.

God bless you and keep you. Prayers for you dear one.

[---]

Pine,
We actually just got a new pastor at our church a few months back. So, I don't really have that trusting relationship with him. However, on Father's Day, he gave such a wonderful sermon on the duties of a father. I mean, he hammered that dads were to love their wives...it was like that sermon was meant for my husband.

I feel resolved in my decision to leave until I go to church. I mean, I look not only at the physical things, but the verbal abuse. He calls me names and yells. And, recently, my son lost during a sporting even, and my husband called him a loser. He has no idea that his words will never be erased from my son's memory. And, he talks about the lousy way he was treated by people when he was younger, so you'd think he would never mistreat anyone. He knows how it feels!

Both of my children are boys, and yes, I feel that if I let this continue, I will almost be contributing to the reality that they will mistreat their families. Especially my oldest. he worships the ground his dad walks on. I have to help him check his attitude sometimes in the way he speaks to me already..he's 13.

I just hate to hurt so many people. But, I think I'm to the point where this has to be about me and my children. I will be sad to hurt others, and I know they will likely talk negatively about me. But, I am seriously scared that someday he will get into a rage and hurt me really bad, or accidentally kill me.

[flutemusic67]

Hi, Kyteacher. Thank you sooo much for your post.

I think I understand your situation some. Actually, I have a very close friend who is separated from her husband. He physically abused her to extremely dangerous degrees. She did leave him, but will not get a divorce. She knows that if she files for divorce, he will find a way to have her "removed." He is a respected elder of the church and was also the church vice-president.

You know your husband better than we do, so you know what measure of action will be best for you and your children. Don't worry about what others will think. Don't worry about their reactions. It is your boys and yourself that you need to think of right now. They need positive role models to show them how a man should treat women and others.

I waited four years to leave my ex. Thought things would get better if I did this or that. Worried about having a divorce because it meant I was a failure. Worried about my family thinking "I told you so."

Found out that it was the greatest thing in the whole world to not have to worry about getting hit or his reactions to stuff. Left him and never once regretted it!

There are womens shelters that will take you in and/or help you get started on your own. If you are worried about him harming you because you leave, then that might be the safest option for you. Family and friends are usually a wonderful help. Moreso than most think. Don't be afraid to ask anyone for help.

Hope you come back and let us know how you are. People are pretty great here with offering encouragement and love. God bless and keep you throughout all of this. You will be in my prayers.



flute

[---]

Thanks Flute,
I've always been fairly independant, but you're right...I'm gonna need help. I'm learning that. I am going to be talking with a counselor on Monday who is a former pastor. I don't now him, but a family member does. He works with an abuse shelter, so I feel that he can at least offer suggestions, options, etc. I think this is the first time in years that I haven't felt completely alone....thanks!!!

[foreverHis]

I pray that you will have the strength do do what you have to do my dear...and He will do that for you..He did for me.
.and so much of what you say about your husband is so much like my situation was...one thing that was stressed to me...do not concern yourself about what others say or think..this is all about you and your childrens welfare.

..so this is time to put aside everyones elses thoughts and let the Holy Spirit lead you....
you live it unto the Lord ..not man...never feel guilty over what you have to do...you will know peace my friend..God bless you and your kids..

[---]

It's hard because he keeps saying he will go to counseling.........but, I wait and he never does. I KNOW in my heart he is abusive though he's never done some of the horrible things I read about like bust my lip or give me a black eye. I want to believe he will change "this time", you know? I'm an educated woman, but I feel so stupid for continuing to believe things will be different.