Christianity Oasis Forum

[sunny]

Hi, I was hoping to get some words of wisdom/advice on how to handle my relationship with my parents.

I am 33 years old, happily married with a young child but have only recently realised how my personal life, thoughts, attitudes and now myself as a wife and mum is being affected by my over controlling, critical and negative parents.

My parents are strong Christians, my father is the pastor of a growing church and our family has been raised in the Christian faith. They however as parents have always been the type that never gives praise, only points out faults, never gives encouragment only points out where you are lacking and need to improve, never commends you on how you are doing as a mother, only says how their way is better and your way is wrong. They are also the type of parents who actually would keep a date and time written record of things you have done that they feel is wrong or bad, and keep bringing up your past mistakes so as to make sure we truly feel bad about ourselves.

As a pastor my father also always teaches us that if something bad happens to you, something goes wrong, you are sick etc then that means you are living in sin and being punished by God and not being blessed.

I have only recently come to realise after listening to other Pastors, reading other good Christian books etc that God loves us no matter what and His mercy and grace is freely given to us i.e God does not want us to live condemned and He certainly is not punishing us.

Personally I have always been a very negative person, thinking or expecting the worse, putting myself down, having no confidence as a person and now lacking confidence as a mother especially after being told everything I do for my son is wrong. I have realised this all comes from what my parents have instilled in my thinking both growing up and even now constantly on a daily basis.

We live in close proximity to each other, see each other alot, attend their church and have close contact which is why their control of me remains strong. If i even try to distance myself we get verbally abused of not being respectful to our parents and thereby will be punished by God.

Every part of me feels i need to distance myself from them if not physically, then emotionally.... to give me strength and help me to ignore the accusing and negative voices and instead rebuild myself on the promises of God. But at the same time doing this will make our relationship more distant and I am not sure if this is what God intends?

I feel I really need to do whats best for me and my husband and son now but I also know that any steps I take I will be criticised and told off by my controlling parents.

We have tried to have 'discussions' about this in the past but they awlays end up in them verbally and emotionally putting me down till I break down in tears. I have now learnt to just try not to say anything at all.

Your prayers and any words of advice would be appreciated!

[mlg]

Hello sunny, big hugs for you. A few thoughts I would share with you...we are living in the age of grace and we serve a very loving and forgiving God. Once you ask God to forgive a sin....that sin is forgiven and forgotten....see that comes from Jesus dieing on the cross....He already paid the price for our sins so we wouldn't have to....as long as we believe in Him and repent of our sins....I also offer the advice to love your parents and forgive their faults....now I am not saying what they are doing is right....nor am I saying for you to continue allowing them to treat you this way...but what I am saying is that if you forgive them then you can find peace in knowing you are doing as God would have you to do. Also, you can't change how your parents act....only God can do that...but you can change how you react to what they say and do....remember God is the only judge we have...all others can say judgementall things all day long...but they can't truly judge us...find comfort in knowing this. I am sure you are a wonderful mother and wife....and the only one you ever need to worry about pleasing is God. Pray for your parents and give them over to God. Don't give up...God hasn't.

Praying for you.

Take care

[dema]

You are in a very difficult position.

1. You have a child. What are your parents going to do to that child?
2. I hope you have begun going to a different church. I am really very curious about this one.
3. Honor thy parents.


Whatever you do, pray about it first and don't act until you have peace. You will likely also have dread and fear. I hope that you can have peace to know what you should do inspite of the dread and fear. This is a very difficult situation.

You have the right to set boundaries. Setting boundaries will itself give you freedom.

I suggest spending time praying and thinking about this - and then writing a letter.

My thoughts are that your parents should only see your child when you are present. And that if they belittle or in any way cut down your baby that they are asked to leave. Or that you don't even invite them to your house - that you let them know in the letter that you will visit them. And if they start belittling anybody you will leave.

That is my thought - that you always have your own transportation whenever you are with them. And when they get negative, you leave. And that if you need to write a letter telling them how it is, that you do it. And that you never give them power over your children - present or future.

But you pray, and YOU get peace on this. And when you have the peace, you do what you need to do.

And I agree with mlg.

[momof3]

Hi Sunny, and welcome to Oasis. Along with all the other replies here, Id like to add to it a lil.....there are some really awesome studies here...one of which is where I believe you will find your answers...it's called COOL SPIRIT OF TRUTH. It is a 7 day study that will open your eyes and heart, moreso than you can imagine, to the Comforter, Teacher, Guide, Friend, Lover of our soul, Holy Spirit. Once you see you through His eyes, through His wisdom and strength, He will show you what to do. And, He'll give you the words and the strength to do it. I know you've prayed about this and anguished...give it 7 days with the Holy Spirit of God...the other forum is the COOL CHRISTIAN COUNCELING forum. Digging a little deeper into those weeds planted so deeply within our spirits that we almost believe the lies we've been told for so long...but there's hope. The Holy Spirit let you here and I along with many others will be praying and walking with you as much as you need. God bless you and His perfect will be done. In Jesus' name.


love,
momo

[JulieAnn]

Hi, I sent you a message but it does not appear to have been posted. In short, separate yourself physically, emotionally and spiritually from your parents. You may need a season of separatness for awile, until you AND your husband get a handle on this. Tell them why, in a letter or by phone. Remind them you are an adult and married, no longer under their authority. You and your husband are one now. They may give you the silent treatment, get angry, or try to exert more spiritual control, but you must be firm. Be respectful but firm. If you don't, you risk ruining your marriage, your emotional health and spiritual growth, and they will end up instilling this in your child. What they have been doing is manipulative and controlling. Spiritual abuse will ruin anyone. Your covering is Jesus Christ, and your husband is to lead you and your family. Make the break now, and pray for God to do a work in their heart. If they want a relationship with you and their grandchild, they must respect your wishes and boundaries. Your marriage, child and spiritual health are at risk if you don't. Best wishes, Julieann

[sunny]

Thank you all for your replies and encouragement. It has brought some great awareness to me and I am learning to emotionally let go of the hold they have on me and trying to learn to ignore what needs to be ignored and not taken to heart. I am praying for strength to continue and not fall back into old ways where i become victim to their words and actions again, and also praying that they too will see their ways and one day change before things get out of hand.

Thank you again for your advice I was in a really desperate place but am seeing hope through it all.

[mlg]

yay! So glad to hear you are holding your head up in the Light! God Bless you.