Christianity Oasis Forum

[MIKEROMEO]

I met David when I was 19. He was 31 at the time, a father of two, an ex-husband, and a husband. I knew I loved him from the moment I saw him and thought that I would never have him. I knew he was married and much older than I was, but I dated him anyway. Years later I was saved and ended the relationship because I knew it was wrong and the guilt was eating me alive. He never wanted to let me go and I was always too weak and frankly too stupid to just stay away from him. I saw him again about 6 months after I had been saved and back-slid. Instead of confronting him and the situation, I moved to Germany a couple years later to start anew. By this time, his divorce was finalized and he ended up moving to Germany as well. We rekindled our broken relationship, but shortly thereafter I had learned that he wasn’t the man I thought he was.
I thought David adored me and would never hurt me. He had boasted about sleeping with many of our friends and gave details about his experiences with them. When confronted he denied it and said he was so hurt that I left, he made it up to have the upper hand. He had been sleeping with his ex-wife as well and in her eyes trying to rekindle their marriage. He later admitted to it when I showed him the text messages she had been sending him. I do love him and he is good to me, but I also resent him because he never paid for what he did to anybody. I felt more badly for him than I did myself. I decided to forgive him and stay because I was not perfect either and Jesus had forgiven me. I don’t want justice because I would never want to hurt him, so I bottle all of my resentment up and try to forgive. To this day I hold our past against him because I didn’t deserve what he did to me and he got away with it without punishment. To this day, the girls he gave such vivid details about do not know what he was saying about them and they are still friends.
Things got better with time. We opened our communication, aired everything out, and started going to church. He was saved also and started treating me so much better. He turned his life completely around while I sank further and further into depression, self-pity, anger, and everything else that comes with being resentful. Yet and still, when I would cry he would comfort me; when I would get mad he just took it. In his eyes he deserved it.
We recently met each other’s families. I was finally able to meet his kids and parents and introduce him to mine. I had waited 6 years for the opportunity and didn’t even get excited about it. My family loves him and there is all this talk about marriage, but I do not want to marry him. I feel like I’m drowning in a situation I have no control and everybody is happy, but me. I guess the worst part of all this is that I messed up first. I sinned first as an adulterer and am still paying for it seven years later. I don’t know why I can’t just walk away, but I know it has something to do with ownership. We have held on to each other for so long and through the very worst of life experiences and now that he is finally the man I had always known he could be, I am not happy.
I don’t quite know what my expectations are of your program or why I sought help, but I do feel like I am slowly shutting my family and closest friends out, to include David. I am in a place where nobody can reach me or help me out.

[Mackenaw]

Hello MikeRomeo

God bless you this day, and welcome to Christianity Oasis. I'm glad The Lord led you here.

I'm excited for you that you have begun the 14 Day CCCC Study. The study has helped hundreds of souls, myself included, in growing closer to The Lord and teaches us how to apply The Word of God to every aspect of our lives. The Lord God loves you so very much, MikeRomeo.

The desire to walk in God's will and understanding His will helps to remove the confusion in our lives, and that is a good thing.

I'm hopeful for you, MikeRomeo.

God bless and keep you.
In Christ Jesus' love,
Sister Mack

[MIKEROMEO]

Thank you Sister Mack.

The night I wrote this down was very painful, yet helpful. I am glad days two and three have been "softer". I do have some questions about what I read today. Do I ask them here?

Thank you again.
MR

[Mackenaw]

Hello MikeRomeo

God bless you this day.

Yes, please feel free to post questions, and we'll try to answer them if we can.

Looking forward to hearing from you.

God bless and keep you, MikeRomeo.
In Christ Jesus' love,
Sister Mack

[MIKEROMEO]

Hi Sister Mack,

There are two questions I had from these journals. The second day directed me to focus on what I want versus what I do not want. When it comes to David I do not know if I want the love I seek to come from him or to find the love I seek in somebody else. I know I love him and that we belong together. Our only hindrance is our past. Being with somebody else makes me feel nervous, like something is not right because they are not David. Could it be because our relationship has lasted so long and become habitual or it is that we are really made for each other?
David started his relationship with Bathsheba that was an adulterous relationship like mine, but God blessed him anyway. Does that mean that even though the foundation of me and David’s relationship started in sin that it too can be blessed? The story also explained that David lost his son due to his sin almost as payment. Does that mean that we too will have to pay for our sin as repentance?
God doesn’t demand that we “jump through hoops” or “stand on our heads” to receive his grace, but I have demanded those things of David. I tell him exactly what I want and do not want, the type of affection, who he talks to, his friends, his actions, how he talks to them, the things he looks at on the internet, and mandated that he change certain things because I find some of them inappropriate. If God forgave me so graciously, why is it so hard for me to forgive David the same way and accept him how he is?

[JulieAnn]

Hi Romeo, I read your posts and based on what you have written it is obvious you have conflict and contradictions in your heart. I suspect you are more disappointed and unforgiving of yourself than you are of him, and your inner struggle is being projected onto him. 'God's mercy and forgiveness given to us through the sacrifice of Jesus and His shed blood is the most powerful thing in all the universe. Jesus said to the woman caught in adultery, "your sins are forgiven, go and sin no more". (paraphrased)

Also, have you asked yourself: What is it you really want from this man, or from a relationship with him?

Love, JulieAnn

[Jamie808]

Hey MikeR
Thank u so much for sharing ur posts w us. You'll see after stayin here awhile, we all got struggles ! And we all do the best we can to support each other, but at the end of the day it's only God who does the healing. (I know you know that. You can tell by your heart). Several years ago I was tormented about a decision I was trying to make about a deep relationship I was in. There's really no words to describe it, I felt. It seemed clear we were meant to be together yet there was always strife on my part and patterns of broken heartedness. Man did that hurt !!!!

What God taught me thru all this (and it wasn't easy) is that He wants to be THE RELATIONSHIP in my life to focus on.
Truth be told I had a deep loneliness and aching in my soul so I needed someone in the worst way it seemed. So I got really controlling and insecure - actually even more insecure than I normally was cuz it wasn't right for me to look for my security in another besides God....This issue sent me off to a spiritual journey of drawing closer to God - I didn't always agree with God and at times blatantly turned my back against Him because I couldn't see Him helping me, but I kept coming back on my knees to Him. It was and is a process. I am thankful to God and to other people who had been through similar things to support me as I found my way to the arms of my savior - my personal Jesus, the one who loves me, today.

God Bless You MikeRomeo,

I'm so glad you're here to share your journey with us.

Jamie

[MIKEROMEO]

Thank you Jamie. Your post makes me think we have a lot in common and now that you point it out I guess I have always had David in my life in one way or another and the thought of losing my best friend scares me. He has just always been there; the one constant person that I know I can count on when I really need him.
I'm glad I'm not alone or just being "emotional" or plain "lost". Can I ask you if you ended your relationship?

MR

[Mackenaw]

Hello MikeRomeo

God bless you this day.

Awwwwww, Praise The Lord!!! Isn't it Sweet how God sends others into our lives, to help on this journey we are on with The Lord? Amen!!! How sweet it is to be loved by The Lord. \o/ \o/ \o/

I love the responses you have received thus far. God is so very Good!!! Thank You Jesus!!!

From what you have shared, the relationship with your "significant other" has gone through many changes, and some of those changes almost appear as role reversals. Your David seems to be embracing the principles of God, and is walking in grace, and while his demeanor may appear to you as "weak", he is far from weak, but is walking in the meekness of The Lord by humbling himself before God.

MikeRomeo, you are not David's jailer, and deep down you know that all your demands don't reflect who you are deep within, so my dear, I encourage you to let them go. We cannot control others, and it's futile to even try. There is no joy or peace found in trying to control others.

While it is true that we reap what we sow, and if we sow bad seed we'll get a "bad" harvest; however, as a child of God, you will not have to endure the harvest alone...God is forever with you, and He will see you through any and all things.

Psalm 103:10 (NIV) He [God] does not treat us as our sins deserve or repay us according to our iniquities.

Note: [] emphasis added by Mack

That verse gave me such peace when I, too, was going through a time when I was still reaping an harvest from earlier planted "bad seed".

MikeRomeo, God will correct us, because He corrects those that He loves. Please do not confuse God's correction of His children, with punishment. He loves you so very much, and truly wants the very best for you.

I have such sweet hope for you, MikeRomeo. (((hugs))) I know the difference God has in my own life, and to quote a lyric from an old hymn: "what He's done for others, He'll do for you.

Keep reading the CCCC Study, and focusing on God and His Word. Prayers are rising to our Lord in the name of Jesus on your behalf. God's blessed will be done.

God bless and keep you, MikeRomeo.
In Christ Jesus' love,
Sister Mack

[MIKEROMEO]

Hello Sister Mack,

I don't know you, but I'm glad I met you. Looking back on what I’ve written, I am starting to see the uselessness of obsessing over something I have no control of. Believe it or not, you telling me I was not David’s “jailor” made me laugh really hard because I know how guilty I am of acting like it.
I have been worried about all the wrong things and I am so selfish for focusing on me, me, me all this time. I have no idea where this life will take be, but I am hopeful for the future. I just pray I don't fall off track.
I am really surprised to see the responses I've received and notice the difference between talking to my family and friends verses getting bible-based answers. It seems like people who do not read the word are quick to jump into giving up, or "just leave him", and every other response you can imagine given the situation. Thank you so much. I'm so lucky to have found you!

[MIKEROMEO]

Journal Six
I’ve laid out my goals and look forward to working toward them. Some focus on my body while others focus on spending more time with God so this should be very beneficial in getting my priorities straight. David will be away until December so now is a prime time to get some type of routine established.
I think about him and our future often and share some of what I’ve learned here with him, but not all of it. He opened a conversation about his past behavior and I let him know I was really sorry for continuously reminding him and not letting go so that he too can forgive himself. I am sure he will notice a change in the way we talk to each other.


Sister Mack, there is deep-rooted question I’ve been rattling through my head since yesterday. I wanted to post it then, but decided to sleep on it. Even if I forgive David and he forgives himself, should I or do I want to stay in this relationship? Does forgiving him mean I stay in a relationship with him? There is a dramatic difference in my behavior with my friends and my behavior with David, and I don’t know if that is “normal”. Sometimes it is easier for me to talk and relate to my friends than it is with David and we often have to explain ourselves to each other in detail just to get our point across. He gets frustrated at times and will give up on understanding or just brush it off and I’ll keep digging until I understand which frustrated him even more. It’s funny to watch, but it has become a concern for me, especially if this is the man I will have to talk to when we get old and can’t leave the house anymore. (0_o)
Wishing you a wonderful day and looking forward to your response,
MR

[Christianity Oasis]

THIS ... Is true fellowship which can bring forth TRUE healing by sharing HIM within YOU with others.

If ya know a better way to heal YOURSELF by reaching for another who is lost and/or hurting ... Let me know.

Until then ... God's path or BUST !!!


Luv all of ya