Christianity Oasis Forum

[berlin1969]

Hello!

I just signed up because I don't know where to turn to. Hope you'll forgive me if my post is too long. Since I am from Germany, please excuse possible errors in language.

I grew up in a Christian home and was familiar with the Bible and Jesus. Yet, I decided in my teenage years to live my own life. I made lots of wrong decisions. I am divorced 3 times, committed adultry wanting to boost my self esteem. I recommitted my life to Jesus in 2000 but I don't seem to get ahead with my life. For my last marriage three years ago, I wanted to everything right. Supposedly he was a Christian (I don't want to judge him) and we had a long distance relationship (Germany - Switzerland). Once I moved down there with two of my kids (I have three - 18, 16 and 15), it turned out that he was a drug addict and schizophrenic. I don't know why I did not see that.

I am back in Germany now. Working like crazy but because I gave everything when I moved to Switzerland, I had to file for personal bankruptcy. Two of my kids have massive problems. My son was abused in his childhood by his dad which had led to our divorce in 2003. My son is now involved in drugs and alcohol and my youngest daughter (15) does not want to live anymore. Sometimes I believe that God won't forgive me anymore. I pray and read the Bible but I find no comfort. Things just seem to be getting worse by the day. I am employed but my boss allowed me to work on the side because raising all three by myself is a huge burden. I was able to get some freelance work and now my work is not paid for even though it is already being sold on the web.

I just don't understand what is going on. I want to have peace again, want to feel that God still loves me and I don't want that my children have to pay for my faults in the past. I feel lost and condemned and feel like God has forgotten me or is not even listening to me anymore. Every day for the last 10 years or so have been a struggle.

I really hope to find some answers. Thank you.

[Kapok1]

Hello Berlin1969,

Your story has touched my heart. I do not know how to help other than to say I, too, have felt as you do...and still do concerning my children. The answer for me seems to be remaining rooted in God's Word. I am taking the Many Called course, and it is helping to keep me focused.

I plan to see if my son and husband will do this study...or another one...with me. I find that worrying about the effects my past decisions have on my children does nothing to help things. It just makes me miserable. I just keep praying and talking about the peace I get (even if it doesn't seem always to last very long).

Like you, my adultery shattered my kids' perception of me, the concept of marriage, and their faith in God. They thought their dad and I had a perfect marriage, because for 25 years, we never argued and fought. I had been so unhappy for so long, I thought divorce was the answer. Anyway, I just want you to know that God has already forgiven you...for everything...there is no need for you to carry any more guilt. Of course, the state of your children are a constant reminder of your past...I know. You cannot help them, though, while carrying such a burden. Please consider the Many Called study; I think it will be a blessing to you, and then you can be a blessing to your children.

In the meantime, please know I keep you and your family in my prayers....

[mlg]

Hello berlin1969,

Welcome to the Oasis! Oh the past...how the past often haunts us....and we allow it to because we feel as if we should be punished for our mistakes. But in reality, this is so far from the truth...we should not allow our past to designate what our future will be. See God does not live in the past berlin...He lives here with you now...He wants you to know that if you have repented of your sins and asked His forgiveness then your sins have been washed away. He has removed your sins...and therefore to Him they are no more...but you have to forgive yourself berlin...and this my friend is where I feel you have a hang up. You blame yourself...for whatever reason...and therefore you aren't freely accepting God's grace and forgiveness. God loves you very much...and He has not left you...He is still right beside you...keep seeking Him and know that He is God.

Berlin....pray over your children...and hand them over to God...God is a healing God and He can heal the struggles between you and your children...but again you have to allow Him to work...and know that if you trust in Him...He will do what is best in your life and theirs as well. He knows all things, and He has a plan for all of us...including the children...belive this....have faith...and trust.

I am so glad you have joined the journey of the counseling path here at the Oasis. I believe you will find some solace here and some who will help encourage you...and people who will pray for you...and Jesus who loves you.

Take care and God Bless