Christianity Oasis Forum

[bsellew]

Well here goes. Almost two weeks ago my husband told me that he didn't love me anymore, that he didn't even like to be around me, that all I did was gripe and complain and that he just couldn't take it anymore. Needless to say I was shocked because I had no idea and when I told him that, he said he had been telling me for years, as a matter a fact he said that once he said all I did was gripe and b*** and that I told him I didn't like that word. Now first off, I don't remember him ever saying anything to me, I'm aware that I have a pessimistic streak (which I thought I was working on) but I feel like if my husband said that I was acting like a b**** I would remember that considering that he didn't talk like that.

Ever since he told me I've really been praying about God making a change in my life and I don't say that lightly. I've prayed in the past but never with the urgency and frequency that I have in the last couple weeks. I know God is working in me because I see changes in how I respond to things and I've realized several things about myself and how I didn't respect my husband the way I should.

To be perfectly fair, and I'm not trying to pass the buck because I know that I made mistakes, but my husband is a VERY quiet person. He just doesn't talk and when I say things like that people just smile and nod but the truth is we haven't had an honest conversation pretty much in our whole marriage until he told me that. We've been married almost 21 years. It wasn't for lack of trying on my part, I would go to him in frustration and basically try to fight and he would just look at me like a deer caught in the headlights and say nothing. So I would ask him, what are you thinking and he would say "nothing" or "I don't know". Many times when he seemed moody I would ask him what was wrong, was he mad at me, did I do something that upset him and his answer was always "no" so I have to wonder, when were all these times that he had told me that he just absolutely hated the way I was. I realized that basically he just hid everything inside and never told me anything and shut me out of his life and his feelings, which made things worse because I felt lonely and unloved and forgotten.

Anyway, since that morning he has now filed divorce papers which I will probably be receiving in a few weeks and he's found a place to move into and will be moving soon. I've told him multiple times that I don't want to give up on our marriage, that I still have hope, that I believe God can work a miracle and if we work together and learn to communicate in a way that is healthy for both of us we could have a better relationship than we've ever had before but he just keeps telling me there's no chance. We also have two daughters, 14 and 10 and he says he basically has stayed as long as he has for them.

Well after saying all that what I'm dealing with now is feeling lack of self worth, wondering if I really am some kind of monster like he basically told me and just general feelings of abandonment and betrayal because you see, I knew something had been bothering him for years and because he would never tell me what it was I just assumed it had to do with his job or the fact that he developed rheumatoid arthritis a couple years ago and he was in pain. I really thought he still cared about me and to find out that for the last several years he didn't even like me is just something that I've been trying not to think about but, of course, it always comes up at 2:00 in the morning.

I've been really drawing closer to God in the last couple of weeks in a way that I never thought I would and praying for him because I wonder now if he is even saved, when I tell him that I'm praying and that God is working on me and that I can see the changes that God is making in me it's like he just shuts me out and he's said nothing about praying about any of this. He's basically just made up his mind, he wants out and doesn't care who he hurts. Oh, he's said that he hates that he's hurting the girls but if that's true why wouldn't he try to work on it. He just says he's tried for years but he's been trying by himself, he hasn't worked with me and he definitely hasn't talked to God about it.

Anyway, sorry this was so long, it's been a really long two weeks.

[dema]

People are complicated. You two married each other for various reasons. Quiet people like your husband frequently have a lack of self worth. As children, they frequently weren't valued. I'm having trouble here. I really don't want to hurt your feelings. I tend to be very direct. I don't know if you watch detective shows, but I tend to be a lot like Bones in the way I talk.

Anyway, your husband may have not established value of himself as a human being when he married you. He may have been looking for someone with strong opinions because he did not give himself permission to have opinions. He may have wanted someone who would decide everything, because he was plagued by indecision. And he may have thought that if he let you make all the decisions, that you would be happy.

Children who are neglected frequently want to relive their childhood and make it come out right. You may remind him of his mother. He may have had the fantasy that if he just did it all right, if he was really good and giving, that you would be happy and he would feel loved.

Generally, though, in this kind of a thing, the guy is looking for someone a lot like the mother who didn't love him right. Which means that the wife has been hurt too. She was hurt, he was hurt - and neither one of them is in any position to help the other person feel better.

He is likely leaving you because he was unsuccessful in ever making you happy. At some point he gave up. And that was really when it was over. If he couldn't make you happy living with you, trying everything he knew to do, how can he make you happy now? Why would it be any different?

Why do you want him back? Only because God says you should? Only for your children?

A marriage should be more than one person living to make the other person happy. And when I say that, I doubt that he knew the right things to make you happy. He probably tried a lot of the wrong things because he never had a clue as to what you actually wanted.

Why do you complain all the time? Why do you think you were given a raw deal? He wanted to rescue you from something. What did he want to rescue you from? Why wasn't he successful in rescuing you? What do you want? What are you missing? Why are you unfulfilled?

He can't make you happy - no person can be the total source of happiness for another. You need to find out what you are missing. Expecting God to just fix you is like expecting God to help you lose weight while you sit on the sofa eating chocolates. You need to work on this. Why is it that you complain and are unhappy? Serious question. Are you copying a parent? Do you feel you don't have the right to be happy? Do you feel like your parents didn't love you properly? Do you feel like God wasn't fair to you or your family when you were little - even if your parents did love you?

As long as the underlying causes of the difficulties between you and your husband remain, the situation isn't fixable. Even if you start work on them, it may be too late for this relationship. But no matter what, you will be better off if you fix what is bothering you.

[Shan]

Hi bsellew,

Thank you for sharing your pain with us. I can't imagine what you're going through right now but I have much compassion for you and your kids.

I hope you have some godly people who are there for you, wanting reconcilliation as much as you do and are prayer warriors. It is very understandable that you are feeling abandoned because your husband has left you and the kids. Your children are going to go through their own feelings of abandonment so be prepared to be there for them and to possibly be attacked by them for this being your fault.

It takes two to make a marriage and one to end it. He is making his choice and now you need to take the steps to care for you and your kids spiritually and finacially. I'm going to recommend you check out a woman who like yourself didn't want the divorce but took the necessary steps to provide and protect her five children and herself spiritually and financially. She is truly encouraging and inspiring. God bless you, your children and husband as you walk through this trial.

Her name is Susan Birdseye. I heard her story today on Focus on the Family while driving. I was truly blessed and encouraged by her story of going through a biblical divorce, abandonment and (the one I'm currently working on) forgiveness.

Here is the link.

http://www.focusonthefamily.com/radio.aspx?

In Christ,
Shan