Christianity Oasis Forum

[Bristollayne]

Wow, an online journal about what I am thinking or afraid to think. I am an extremely open person and I will come out with the cold hard facts, I am a dirty, stinken, filthy, stupid sinner. I have made mistakes my entire life and work everyday of my new life trying to minimize my sins. I am never going to be sinless, but I can work my best to hug the mountain than to push my limits.
Sins: I have done the lying, stealing, and swearing. All before I was old enough to know what a sin was. I was molested by my older brother for 7 years where I began not trusting my parents, leading me not to trust anyone. I excelled in school and failed in life. When I was 11 I had sex with a neighbor kid but didn't really know what that was since I had been messed with by my older brother from age 4-11. I didn't know any different. When I thought I could be pregnant, a friend of mine told me I could get rid of it with a hanger. Thanks be to God I wasn't pregnant. I had no clue what was happening but that was my last escapde with sex until I met my first husband. We tried to have sex twice before we were married but were unsuccessful so we decided it was God's plan not too and by this time I knew what pregnancy was and didn't want to be a pregnant bride. I grew up in a volitile house where my father was an alcoholic and my mother then enabler. I learned how to fight well and felt that was the norm. I became engaged to my first husband when I was 17 and married him shortly before I turned 18. He was 23 when we married. My parents signed for me to get married. I thought getting married would take away the constant pain but found my inlaws to hate me and my husband kept taking their side. I tried to leave him several times but was unsuccessful. I thought having a baby would help, boy was I wrong. I had a second, and that didn't help. After 11 years of marriage, being angry at the world, not completely dealing with the abuse I sustained, I became suicidal and extremely depressed. I hated my life and my husband. I tried to find God by joining the Catholic Church so our children could be brought up in the same religion. It wasn't until much later I discovered knowing God isn't through religion but a relationship. When my husband didn't choose me when his mother physically attacked me, I gave up. I strayed. I cheated on my husband with a guy for two years two men. I learned a new way of lying, hiding and escaping the truth. I hated every moment of it. I was so angry with my husband, that I worked constantly leading me to not be with my children a lot during the final year we lived together. I did not sleep or have sex with my husband the entire time I was cheating. I never felt fulfilled in my life even after leaving my husband and divorcing him. I moved out on my own, achieving joint custody of the children but he has primary, only due to my work schedule. He moved in with his now wife and her family and child shortly after the divorce proceedings concluded. He moved 4 hours away from where we were residing. I moved too. I ended up getting hurt prior to the divorce and that put me out of work for a year where it left me living on unemployment, utilizing my tax returns as survival monies and my settlement as survival money. I was able to finally achieve employment 45 minutes away from my home with a job that God completely provided. Within that first year I met a man who introduced me to a church I felt comfortable with, I continued to have premarital sex with the intension of marrying but we broke up. I continued to seek God. Finally, God gave me my current husband. We prayed together, attended church together and made our relationship the primary focus on God. Though my intensions were pure, my husband's were not. We married 4 months after dating. He moved in. We had sex for one day during our dating and chose to wait again until we married. This was a great choice! My husband moved in with me and my children, since we married in the summer and I had the children. He is very good with my kids. (My current husband and I actually met in high school, just never dated then) My husband was not honest in his intensions in life. He had a history of theft and deception that I wasn't completely aware of. Five months into the marriage, three months after I filed for Complaint to Modify Custody, my husband was arrested for a theft that occurred prior to our wedding but not known by me. I was broken. God was able to give us time apart to work this out. Since my husband has been home our relationship with God is different and stronger. Currently I am going through the custody battle where my ex husband claims I am an unfit mother where I divorced him, he did not divorce me. I pray daily and then some, I have started reading the Bible, I am unfamiliar with, but my husband is proficient in, I am in the book of Numbers where I started from page one. We attend Bible study and have a fantastic Pastor who helps us understand what God wants from us. What I want, what I need is to stop having the doubt feeling in my stomach regarding God taking complete control of my life. I am huge on giving God credit but still doubt. I want the doubt to go away. I understand this is a lot of information but I can not grow if I am not honest with myself, or with God. I have asked for repentance and do not continue to sin in the things I once have done wrong. I am seeking Him for all guidance and support. I am hoping that God takes control of my life by examining what type of mother I truly am and grants me the custody of my children for the benefit of them. When I lost my job almost two years ago I did return back to school where God has provided financially and guidance in my doing my studies and I will graduate in October with my Bachelors Degree. I could not have gotten this far if it were not for God. I am but a grasshopper in this world and His love continues to show through regardless of my wrong doings. I praise Him in all that I know I can. Please do not judge me for my honesty but use my honesty to help you examine yourself and your sins. I am a dirty, rotten, stinking, filthy, stupid sinner! ~Bristollayne~ Is not my real name but God knows my name and I am called child, daughter, His sheep!

[realtmg]

We do not judge here.
You are His child.
We all have fallen short but He have given us GRACE and MERCY.
All He ask is forgiveness from us.
Then, We can start life fresh with a NEW day and walk with Him.
Stop beating yourself up.
Jesus died for our sins.
His gift is free.
Take His love for you and put away your past.
Hang around a while and watch God heal and work within.
He did/does me.

Welcome to Oasis

Thanks for sharing.
GBU

Real

[dema]

That's a wonderful testimony to God's love and the power of the sacrifice of Jesus.

Have you forgiven yourself for what wasn't your fault? Have you allowed yourself to weep over what was lost? I hope you have. It sounds like you have found victory in your life. But we are all human and true forgiveness requires us to deal with the hurt. Then we are free to truly release to God.

Thank you for sharing. I am so happy for your many victories.

[Bristollayne]

I guess I never looked at forgiving myself for what wasn't my fault. I haven't allowed myself to weep over what was lost. I've always tried to be the strong one. Knowing it is okay to cry for what I have no control over had never crossed my mind. Tears came to my eyes immediately. I am a broken person wanting and needing His healing. I know He can do it. Thank you so much!
Bristollayne

[dema]

If you need to talk one-on-one, you can PM me.

What you went through was really traumatic. And extremely confusing. You are a survivor! But you will have so much more victory if you do clean the wounds.

I look forward to following your journey through your journaling.