Numb

[RainaSkye]

Ok, so for several, several years now...I have been battling with the idea that I was abused....and granted the last five years I have remembered more.....This probably sounds horrible....but I have wanted God to show me in a dream or a memory at least ONE instance of PURE......UNDENIABLE......PROOF....that is just horrifying enough to do three things for me....
1.Erase doubt from my mind....
-doubt that it happened...
-doubt on who all was involved....
2.Shock me into feeling....(I'm HIGHLY dissociative---all the time)
-feeling grief, sadness, crying-even...
-feeling anger without sin and without guilt....
-feel love....
(HOW I WISH TO FEEL......It's so hard to explain this.....I feel like I recognize emotions....and I know when something is sad or happy or whatever....I might feel a twing of it, somewhere near my heart....but it's not DEEP....and it's not HEARTFELT......I know I love people....but I know there is this block that only lets these things penetrate at the very surface...and I HATE it....I am feeling with my head, and not my heart... )
3.If I can do the other two things....I can heal....

I feel like God may have answered my prayer anyway, even though it was not in the way that I wanted....As far as the "proof" goes....at least enough proof that I KNOW in my head that I was abused...and that I probably KNOW who did it when I was a little girl....

I think I may be starting to come out of my denial....but I think I'm stuck until I can open my heart and feel it.....I want to open up and just bawl....for hours if I have to....not some sucky couple minutes...but to really release it....I don't know how to get there....

My pastor wants me to see a therapist for three sessions...then he wants to talk to them, figure out what my "issues" are, even though I could tell him I'm dissociative...PTSD....and in DENIAL.....at least still part way...and then he wants to ask them how to help me....so that I can go to him for counseling....Girls, do I feel you cringing with me?

I'm afraid that he can't help me because he's not trained for this sort of thing, but I cannot afford to continue to see a woman therapist considering I have no job...yay me....I am afraid because he's a guy.....I'm afraid because this is my pastor ladies!!!! How nitty gritty will I have to get with him? Will I be able to look at him the same after he knows all my nastyness? Will he still look at me the same...still respect me....still want me helping out in the church?? But what other option do I have....I cannot keep avoiding all of life like this....

I want to run....scream...hurt myself....explode....I feel so damaged....

[dema]

I think he may cry. But he will still care for you - probably even more.

I think you wrote a great and perceptive post.

[RainaSkye]

I doubt he would cry.....men don't get upset about this stuff....heck, half the women i know don't even get upset about it...it's just me anyway...its not that big of deal

[dema]

You are precious. And everybody is just me to themselves.