Christianity Oasis Forum

[megan914]

I found this site by accident, however, I think it was ordained for me to stumble upon. Today has been exceptional, same stuff, just a different day. Man, where do I begin. I was a little scared to post my journal on here. There are a lot of issues I continue facing, even though I gave my life to Jesus in June of this year. I've always been the kind of person to worry about what people think. It was always a popularity issue with me growing up. Now, I'm more worried about what the "church" people will think, hence the reason I have no one to talk to but my Father in Heaven (and who better anyways). I have no friends, litterally, anymore. I lost them in the transition of my soul over the Summer. Not a bad thing though, considering the company I was keeping around me. Let me start from the beggining-ish so I can just get some of this off my chest anyways.

My parents divorced when I was 9 years old. Dad was a youth pastor at a local church and ran off with a married woman who was attending the same church. My world was crushed by his descision. But after the 10 years that they were together, she re-married another man, which broke off the relationship that her and my dad had together. He's definitley not a pastor anymore. He's re-married as well, smoking, drinking regularly, just a heart breaking lifestyle. I still had an okay relationship with my dad after he left, nothing like it was, but it wasn't completly diminished either. He has a lot of problems, more now than ever. And on the night of July 3rd, just a couple of weeks after I got saved and a few hours away from the 4th of July, he came to my house...drunk. I no longer accepted this kind of thing at my house, but since he was my dad, I told him he could crash on the couch so he wouldn't be driving home drunk. I was 19 years old, and living by myself. At about 2:30 in the morning, I woke up with my father standing over my bed, and his hand under my shirt. I panicked. I tried to hit him, but he caught my hand. As I turned away from him off the other side of the bed, I went into the bathroom that was in my room and locked the door. I knew I was going to throw up. I heard him walk back into the living room, so I made a mad dash for my car keys, and drove for about 4 hours. He was gone when I got back home. I've seen him since then, and God knows I've tried to forgive him. I just can't yet, and it's hurting me more than it's hurting him.

Before I got saved, however, I was into a life of partying, drinking, smoking weed, and having sexual relations with numerous people. I had very low self-esteem, and was tied up by the lies of my sin. A year ago this month, I found out that I was 2 months pregnant by a guy that I was sleeping with during the months of October and November. We had never dated, and had no intentions of anything serious. On December 29th, 2010, I aborted the precious life of my unborn child. The father of our child went with me to the clinic, and that was the last time I saw him. My baby was 9 weeks old when he went to be with the Lord. It was a horrible, traumatic experience I would never wish on anyone. I have found an inner peace thru the Holy Spirit and the help of my Heavenly Father since then, however. God even revealed to me after I had gotten saved and made peace with my forgiving God, that my baby would have been a boy, and his name would have been Ryan. Call me crazy if you want, but I know that the Lord showed me that. I asked him to reveal it to me, I sought Him, and He was faithful to reveal to me the question that had stumped me ever since that day. I am released from that stronghold of guilt, shame, and pain from that experience. I have even forgiven the people that were involved with that descision (with God's help alone). Is it still sad sometimes? Of course. Do I miss my baby, and sometimes catch myself thinking about the life he would have had? absolutley. But, I BELEIVE that I am set free, not because of how I "feel", but because of what and WHO I have faith in, and that's the blood of Jesus.

So needless to say, this last year, has been a crazy one. God knows my heart, I don't want to continue being "down" all the time. I want to enjoy and bask in the freedom that He has given me! Why can I not do that so easily like everyone else seems to? Why does it seem to be harder for me? I'm looking forward to this study, and getting closer to God. I need Him everyday, and in every situation. He is all I have.

[Dora]

Just wanted to give you this

God loves you and so do I.

[megan914]

Thank you, I appreciate your support and love. God Bless

M

[Angel of Hope]

I am praying for you. Giving you a Hug God Bless!

[livin4yourname]

Thank you for posting this... I stumbled upon this site as well, and so appreciate your openness and your story. Praying for God to bring you the healing you so desperately want. I'm walking through pain right now too, please know that you are not the only Christian feeling far from God's joy. Know that there is hope to walk in His freedom.

[futurediary]

its good to see us all get together like this we need to talk to each other to keep the communication open. we are all in this together we need to keep each other strong we might stumble but now we have friends to help pick us back up again.

good luck to all of us.