Christianity Oasis Forum

[eharris0825]

Hello Everyone,

This is my first time logging on so here it goes...I'm tired of this mask that I have been wearing the majority of my life. I pray that with God's help, He will show me who I really am and be comfortable in my own skin.

I help run a sexual purity club for inner city teenage girls at my local church and God has been encouraging me to be honest with them about my life. I must admit, there are certain information that I have already revealed to them about my life but God is telling me to reveal more. However, the rebellious spirit in me is reluctant even though I know it's the right thing to do because not only is it liberating for me, but for the girls as well. It's just that I feel so ashamed over some of the things that I've done in the past, that it has affected my relationships with friends, as well as my own family. As a result, I don't feel totally realxed talking to people, including my own family and this trap that I feel like I'm in, has hindered my relationships with people and my family, including guys. I long for the day when I can take this mask off and truly be the real me! I am soooo tired of feeling like I have to be someone else in order for people to like me or find me interesting.

I believe I partly feel this way is because I am a victim of incest, which is a history of it in my family for generations. I used to have sex with my oldest brother from about 9 up until about 15. The ashamed part about it is, is that even though I was ashamed of what I was doing, I didn't know how to stop it because I was enjoying it. He is four years older than me and he didn't really know, like me, how to get out of that sick rut, due to a family history of it. Even though my parents didn't sexually abuse us, my mother's father had attempted to sexually abuse my mom when she was a girl along with her own brothers, uncles and so on...

My oldest brother and I are now both Christians but never really talked about what happened except for once. My brother has shared with me, how he is very self critical of himself, even to the point where he wants to commit suicide, and he pastors a church. He is seeing a Christian counselor at the present time to help him deal with his issues. Me on the other hand, am so ashamed to talk about it and whenever I want to, I can't find anyone who I feel that I can truly trust to share it with or afraid that they will look at me differently. There are many times when I feel that I self sabatoge my own life as if I don't deserve the fullness of God's blessings, as a sort of punishment but I don't want to do this anymore. I'm soooo tired of it! Procrastination has also become my worst enemy.

Even though through the years, I have come out of my shell to push past certain fears in life, I still feel that I have not reached my fullest potential of what God has in store for me, due to this mask that I've been wearing for so many years. I feel like I've been wearing it for so long that it has become the norm for me but I can't go on like this. I did talk to my dad about the incest back in 2008 and he was very understanding and helpful.

There are so many ideas that God has given me on running the purity club and I want these girls to be able to reach their fullest potential without anything holding them back. I don't want to look back and regret not doing what God has put in my heart to do in order to help heal these girls due to my own hangups about the issues that I'm dealing with. These girls deserve God's best and I want to be real and honest with them and show them that they should never have to settle for anything less. I want that for myself as well. I don't want to go back and forth with my faith but remain steady, regardless of how my life looks in the present but to continue not to look backwards and keep moving forwards, taking one day at a time.

[momof3]

My dear sister in Jesus,

God bless you. When reading your post, about your life, Im reminded of myself. Im also certain that there are many many people who will read this post and be blessed by the honestly with which you have shared. God is so good. Sister, God alone, is who defines you. You already know this. Its so easy to say that what others think dont matter...its totally different to believe it within. But, truth is truth. If we can get it from our heads to our hearts, its a miracle.

I pray for your brother. I pray that he will accept the Lord's forgiveness...and healing. These generational curses are just that. By God's intervention and your honesty, you have brought it to light...and, this is where God can bring this curse in your family to an end...

Sister, dont be afraid. These girls need to hear the truth. They need to hear that they are not alone. They need to hear that God forgives. There was a time not too long ago when I revealed some of my deepest, darkest places to one of my sons. In doing so, the Holy Spirit blessed me and opened my son's eyes to the fact that there is NOTHING the Lord wont forgive if we go to Him with a true heart of repentence.

About your body responding....is this not how God designed our bodies...and after knowledge came, this is when the guilt and shame came in. Dont let the enemy of your soul hinder what the Lord wants to do in others through your life's experiences. God's mercy is complete. His grace is sufficient. Our price for our sins was paid in full by Jesus. I know you know this, too. Dont let the enemy tell you anything different.

Im praying for you..and your brother. I pray the Lord will show you how He really sees you. He loves you so very much.

There are many here who will also be praying for you...and will walk this journey with you.

In Jesus,
love momo

[Dora]

Perhaps you and your brother would find healing talking together with a counselor about it. You both need inner healing.

I just want you to know you'll not be judged here. I'm glad you shared your secret. Getting it out is how to heal. I know it's hard. I also know it's hard to receive His forgiveness and purity. I think many in this world struggle with receiving.

[Christnundrconstruxn]

Hello,
I only wish to welcome you to the oasis, and to tell you that I stand with all of what my 2 sisters here have said
I am very proud of you for being open and honest, remember one thing first and foremost....God DOES forgive you and loves you with all His heart!
As the ladies have said you will not be judged here, we all have things in our past but they are just that...past, He has given you a awesome gift....it's called the present, you need to lead these girls into His word and through you they will see He loves them too.
Cuc

[eharris0825]

I truly, truly appreciate all of your loving, supportive comments and prayers!!! It means so much in my road to recovery in receiving God's Best for my life. Thank you all so much!!!