Christianity Oasis Forum

[alicat1984]

I have been struggling a lot lately with my anger, which I feel is brought on by resentment and lack of trust I have deep down. I seem to get mad at everything lately! I feel like things are finally going great for me in life. I have fallen in love and I am getting married, but deep down I wonder if I can trust him. I got a visit from his ex-girlfriend saying he was talking to other girls on-line. He says he isn't, but that doubt is there now. His whole family has told me that she would do anything to make him miserable, but I just don't know what to believe anymore. I found some porn sites on his laptop recently and he said it was a virus in his computer. I feel like there must be something wrong with me and I am not enough for him. I have talked with him about it and he promises that he would never hurt me or do anything like that. He says I am everything to him and he never wants to lose me, but I can't just ignore what I have seen. I just don't know what to do anymore. Can someone please help me?

[dema]

Oh, please be careful.

If your insides are screaming - listen to them. Please. Pray -and if you don't have peace - then DON'T.

The porn sites are almost certainly not a virus. You tend to get viruses from porn sites, not porn sites from viruses.

How long have you dated?

I am recovering from a narcissistic relationship. If they seem too good to be true they probably are. If your radar is going off, then listen to it.

Please, please. If he seems perfect, but your gut is raging - he probably is too good to be true.

You might look up personallity disorders.

And even if he doesn't have a disorder - if he is lying to you about porn on his computer - and your gut is raging - it is a very, very bad sign.

[alicat1984]

Thank you! I went for a run yesterday evening after work and took my MP3 player, listening to Casting Crowns song "If We've Ever Needed You." I just cried out to God the whole time asking Him to please forgive me and help me to forgive myself for all of my failures and shortcomings. I felt this peace come over me. I know I still have a long way to go, but I am following God. I asked Him to guide me through this and to help me figure out what to do.

I called my fiance and we talked and he cried and told me that he believes God created me just for him and he will never ever do anything to jeopardize that. We both did some digging and last night he found out that his cousin had been on his computer and he told my fiance he was sorry for everything. My fiance told him he is not allowed to use his computer anymore. As far as the profiles go, that all ended when he told his ex girlfriend that he was going to call the cops on her if we found any more and they all disappeared. I do trust him and I believe him. I think I am scared to death of marriage and I am trying so hard to find something wrong. I don't think he is the one with the problem, I am! I have always been very independant and it scares me to death to trust my life to someone else.

My fiance told me last night that we need to base our relationship around God and he has told me that several times and we both have slacked off from it. When we were doing bible study together, we were the closest and nothing could tear us apart. It looks like we have allowed Satan access and we need to get rid of him.

[Dora]

alicat what a difficult time. I feel for you.

Can you hear from God? What does He say about this man, marriage all everything else going on? If you listen closely to that gentle inner voice you will find direction and peace.

[momof3]

Hiya ali

ok...now, people are gonna say...momo....really???? again????

Im stuck on 2 books that ive read over and over...and over again, so here I am askin again....

Have you read Love Dare???

if not....ohhhhh.........see if you can. Its meant for marriages in trouble...but....oh wow..Ive read it a couple of times and let me tell ya..its not only for troubles marriages...its for people who want to love other people..in any relationship. There is a whole lot of truth in it...so, ifn you wanna better your relationship with your fiance...get the book...pray about it and read it...Let the Holy Spirit speak to you through it. It really is amazing what He will show you in the words of the book...and if applied to every relationship you have, you will see deeper, more meaningful levels to those relationships than you thought possible.

ok, im off the book sale thingy now ....but seriously...get the book!!

praying for ya..it sounds like your fiance really wants a holy, Godly relationship with you. Pray for him...and pray for your relationship with him.

in Jesus,
love momo

[alicat1984]

Thanks momo. I will get that book and give it a go!!! We did a book together called 10 Dates Before You Say I Do and we both really enjoyed that. We had a good talk tonight. We are discussing doing a couples devotional book, so we can get this one and let God become the center of our relationship, exactly where He belongs.

Thanks everyone for your prayers! You guys have no idea how much it means to me that people I have never even met would take the time out of their day to read what I post and say a little prayer for me. Since I came on here, I have figured out what it is that is the root of my problem, not something I wanted to admit, but since I did and have started working on it, I feel like a huge weight has been lifted already. God bless each and every one of you!

[dema]

Please take it slow. If you allow enough time and there is deceit in the relationship, it should show itself.

If you feel an urgency to marry - don't. Please, don't marry until you have a great peace in your heart about it. Don't marry for ultimatums or any other reason.

Praying God may open your eyes and let you see - and hoping it will be love and peace.

[1st Timothy 4:12]

The best thing to do is pray. Listen to what God is saying.

[Bearer Of Light]

I know it has been some time since you last posted in here Ali, but I thought that I could offer further insight into your feelings. I was once married to someone I had very much the same issues with as you did. In a nutshell, I met her, we dated for a few months and rushed into what turned out to be a superbly awful marriage experience for me. I had all the doubts, the finding of things that I disapproved of and the need to disprove those things to myself or asked her about them and she conveniently disproved them to me.

In my case, she had told me many lies and she did not really feel that certain things she lied to me about were relevant to a relationship based upon trust. That was a dead give away she wasn't right for me. But I ignored those feelings because I thought I was in love and she was extremely attractive to me. I honestly did not trust her but married her anyway believing that things would just sort themselves out over the long run. I CHOSE to IGNORE the TRUTH.

Boy was I ever wrong about my decision to marry her. Looking back, The problem was that I should have simply dated her for a longer while to learn what she was really like... to discover the TRUTH. Step by step doing the dating, family gatherings, living together, etc before marriage. Had I done this, I would have learned what a deceitful, selfish, and cold hearted person she actually was.

No one can maintain a false persona for very long. No one can hide things from you for very long. Had I waited and allowed myself the time to feel 100% comfortable and trusting with her, the marriage would not have ended after ... get ready for it... 5 months!

That is right. We separated after 5 months and luckily we had no children and no money was lost in the process. I tell you what though... I DID have those burning feelings of distrust and anxiety. They are there for a very good reason. And no matter what anyone tells you [including your man] you MUST allow TIME to pass together in order to KNOW 100% that it is the right move for you. To KNOW and FEEL the TRUTH of yourselves as a couple. If you feel just as excited about marriage after 1-2 years engaged together as you maybe do now, then likely it is right. If you do NOT feel excited about it, have doubts and feelings of doom and gloom, that is YOUR SOUL and internal defense mechanism telling you that something is not right. Listen to it. You may not know what it is but that doesn't mean it isn't there. Ask yourself what could it be and eventually you will have the answer.

I wish you all the happiness and hope that things DO work out between you both. Seek answers from God and pray to Him always to give you answers to your questions. Allow the Holy Spirit to speak with you and be your friend. The TRUTH is what you need to seek. And in TRUTH, TRUST and LOVE should be the basis of your marriage to each other. Having feelings of doubt, fear and distrust mean something isn't right.

Hope that is of some help to you as an example. It may apply or it may simply offer a different point of view from someone who has had a similar experience already that has passed and is done and over with. May you find a path with God and bless you both.

Amen.

BoL

[judahroar]

wait and pray