Christianity Oasis Forum

[kimby]

It is so easy in my head to say that God always acts out of love, that He knows best. But when that thought runs smack into something He is asking me to do that hurts, I just can't seem to make it hold up anymore. I get frustrated that He doesn't seem to be hearing what I am saying, doesn't seem to understand what His request is doing to me. The desire to do what He wants is there...and thankfully sometimes it prevails...but in the midst of doing what He wants I am left dealing with a host of other emotions that I know He wouldn't be too impressed with...anger that He is asking this, frustration over feeling so alone as I walk through it, guilt that for whatever reason I can't blindly trust Him the way others seem to be able to, resentment, confusion, rage...the list goes on and on. I know eventually the frustration of the last few days will eventually go away...but, boy, would I like that eventually to be now!

[dema]

Kimby, there are many voices. Make sure that it is God that you are hearing before you step forth. You can compare it to the word and make sure it doesn't contradict. And you also should receive conviction that includes a sense of peace. Sometimes, when God asks you to do what you don't want to do, there is anger and turmoil - but underneath it you still should be aware of a warm current of peace. If you don't have that peace accompanying the things you hear, I would seriously question whether they are from God.

Your issue may be that there are many, many voices. What do I mean? Evil whispers. Your own subconscious. And there are other voices too. The Catholics believe that the souls of the dead get nvolved in this life - sometimes I wonder. Nobody seems to talk about this. But, I definitely have heard things that were almost right, but just a little cocckeyed. Nothing about them ever seemed evil - not in hindsight or anytime. But, they also weren't quite right. The only means of distinguishing between these cocckeyed voices and the other ones is the fact that they were not accompanied by the peace.

Question the voice. I frequently tell God, "Okay, I hear you, but this seems weird to me. Tell me two more times and convince me it is you and I will do it."

And Kimby, he does. He really does.

[kimby]

Today I was reminded of Billy.

Billy came into my classroom midway through the year. He had just been put into foster care with a family in our district. All in all he was a likeable kid, very intelligent, and generally decently behaved. But then there were moments.

One in particular came to me this morning. Another class was coming to our room to watch a video...Billy hadn't finished his page of long division. I ran a fairly strict classroom...if we were playing and they still owed me work....work came first. Billy wasn't amused. He tried tears first. Then anger. Then claims that it was too hard. He kicked. He threw things. He ripped up his paper. But I knew in the long run he needed math more than he needed a video. He fought for quite a while, but when he finally stopped, sat down, and did his paper, it only took him about fifteen minutes...a fraction of the time he spent arguing and fighting with me...and then he was able to sprawl out on the floor with the rest of the kids and enjoy the film.

I wonder why this memory came to me so clearly this morning. I would prefer to think it was a random thought that came to me, but somehow, I don't think so. Is God trying to tell me that I am pulling a "Billy" with Him? Yes, there have been tears, and anger, and I certainly think it is too hard. I have to wonder if I give in, would it all be over quickly? Billy may have been the faster learner because right now I still want to say, "But God, this isn't just a page of long division," "This is too hard and I don't like it," and "Why are you making me do this? Don't you care?!" I wish I could see and understand it as easily as I could Billy's situation that day.

[Dora]

I loved this. I had to read it twice. I cried.

I can see God has you and is willing to take care of all of this for you. But then others could probably say the same things about me.

I think He is trust worthy to take us through this and to comfort us when things are just to ugly to look at. I hope you do to.

He's brought you a long ways so far. I am certain He won't let you do this alone now.

Love you so much!

[kimby]

When I came to Northern Ireland, I was meant to only be here for a year. After that year contract was up I was to return to my teaching job in the states which had granted me a year's leave of absence. Just over half way through that first year here, I knew, beyond a shadow of a doubt, that God wanted me to stay on. It was not an easy decision to make for many reasons. To commit to another year of service here would require resigning from my position in the states...meaning that when I did return there would not be a job waiting for me. I knew a year prior to my move here that I would be coming. I spent that year working second, third, fourth jobs and setting aside the extra money to cover all the expenses. If I stayed on that second year, I would not have the ability to raise funds in this manner...meaning I would have to trust God completely to provide.I had to try to explain to my parents, who are not believers, why their responsible child was doing something so seemingly irresponsible. It was not an easy decision..but I was very sure it was the right one.

I came into that second year of service here almost knowing that it would be followed by a third. Halfway through the second year my father became extremely ill, and I had to rush back to the states. My parent's new circumstances forced me to reflect on my decision to commit a third year of my life to the work going on here. I still very much felt that I was to stay, but once again it was not an easy decision. To stay meant leaving my mother on her own to care for my very ill father. The financial aspect was even more of an issue following two years with no earned income. It meant that there would be little chance of going back to my previous friendship circles in the states as we had all very much moved on in our own directions.

I am at that point again where I must decide what to do after my commitment finishes here this summer. Do I agree to serve here for another year, or do I return to the USA and attempt to rebuild a life there? It is not a simple decision. It isn't a matter of one choice being easy and one choice being hard, but knowing that you need to choose the harder one. No matter what I decide, it will not be easy. Or at least I thought that to be the case, but slowly one is looking to be easier in many ways. The problem is, I am pretty sure that one is not where God is leading me.

I have felt that once my service finishes here at the end of the summer, I am to return to the states. I believe I have had that confirmed twice through other people. Returning to the states means trying to find a job in the midst of school systems that are being required to cut budgets. It means having to stay with my parents until I can find a place to live. Moving back to my hometown means being daily confronted with my father's medical conditions. It will mean leaving the incredible support system I have here and starting over, finding a new church, new friends, new everything. So returning is not a simple matter.

There are several reasons, but the one major hinderance in commiting to another year of service here was the financial aspect. I am not saying that I don't trust God to provide, but it is daunting to think of making a commitment that your bank account does not have the ability to meet without supernatural intervention. Over the last few weeks several things have come up. The organisation that I serve with has offered to reduce the amount I need to raise to continue living here. A man in the town has offered to contribute to my funding. And then there was today. An offer was presented to me today to take over the children's ministry in our church starting in September. If I were to agree, the church in return would cover the money I have to raise each month to live off of. That would take my necessary fundraising down to my flights, costs that still exist in the US and my charity worker visa fee. That is a significant decrease...a very significant one. With that offer, it all of a sudden became easier and more logical to remain here and serve another term.

Has all of this changed how I feel God is leading me? I don't think so. I don't feel particularly called to the children's ministry...especially to head it up on my own. But I am left wondering why after three years of fighting to stay here, am I all of a sudden having people pave the way for me to remain? Why, if He is leading me to move back to the states, is it looking more and more like the more difficult, least secure option?

Please pray for me as I wade through all of this. I think in my heart the decision has already been made. I dread the day that I have to make that known to those here that are working so hard to keep me. I will grieve for what I am losing. I know that. I don't know what lies ahead. That scares me. To most it will simply appear that I am going home, and yes, that is true...but in another sense I will be leaving home behind, and that breaks my heart.

[dema]

[stillstanding]

prayers goin up kimby


much love, sis

[deetu]

You know the enemy can make some things look good to mislead you away from what God wants too, right?
You know in your heart what you are to do... He has told you. Now comes the trust.

[kimby]

I feel like everyone here is asking me what I am going to do next year. I suppose it is a fair enough inquiry, but they do not realise how much of a loaded question it is! I am beginning to feel dishonest by saying, 'I don't know' or 'I'm not sure,' because I am pretty sure.

My reasons for not telling are fairly selfish:
The minute it is common knowledge I am sure that everything will start to feel like the beginning of the end. I hate that and want to put it off as long as possible.
I feel like I am letting a lot of people down...people who are asking me to stay, who are doing all in their power to make staying a possibility. With the added offer of taking over the children's ministry I feel like I am disappointing an additional group of people.
There are two people here who will be glad to see me go. I know this. I don't want to even think of them gloating. If it were at all possible they would not know of my departure until I am on the airplane. I know this is childish, but right now, it is how I feel.
And then the biggest reason of all. Once I tell my boss it will be real. I will have to come face to face with the fact that in a few months time I will walk out of my house, drive out of this town, and have to say goodbye. There are tears as I type that sentence...how will I ever survive the last week, the last day, the last hug, the goodbye? I am just not sure.

[kimby]

That thing God was asking me to do...the thing I didn't like and thought was too hard...the thing I wanted to stay just as it was? I finally stopped fighting. Do the emotions and the arguments try to pop up every now and then? Sure, but I no longer entertain them. Was it as hard as I thought? Only because I made it that way by fighting against it. Funny enough, yesterday and today, God has things back the way they were...the way I thought I wanted them, the way I fought for so long to keep them. And what am I busy doing? Asking Him to do it the new way again...which He has said He will. Amazing, huh? He really did know what was best.

It's funny, but in the midst of all that I was also dealing with the 'to move or not to move' question. It seemed bigger to me...big enough that, if I went against Him, the consequences would be massive...so I didn't fight Him in the same way. There were certainly the questions and the struggle to trust, but I never dug in my heels and refused like I did with the other. I need to remember that He truly does know best..in the big things and the small things...and I need to learn to trust Him more...so much more.

[kimby]

I have made it a habit never to speak immediately when someone has made me angry or upset. I always give it a bit of time, because quite often my feelings change or I see it in a different light. Having said that....I probably shouldn't post right now.
I called my mother tonight. The last few phone calls haven't been as bad, but tonight she was back to herself. I got to hear a complete run down of the woman that annoyed her by being rude, all about how the grass she planted is growing and which of her flowers are blooming, and a monologue on how she bought the wrong thing at the after Easter sale. I heard about the weather...which she didn't like. I heard about how the roof is leaking. I even heard about how my phone call made her miss her favourite shows. What I didn't hear was a how are you...or any interest in anything I had to say.
To top it off, she suggested I didn't need to come home at the end of the summer as I normally do. When I informed her that I was moving back to the USA at the end of the summer she argued with me. She tried to tell me that I had said I was staying here another year. Once the fact that I was returning sunk in, there were no questions about how I felt about that, or if I was sure that is what I wanted. There weren't even any questions about where I would live or what job I would get. Upon finding out that, after three years, I was moving back, her response was, "Maybe you can help me clean the backyard."
I got to speak to my father, too. Speak is a loose term for it. He says a few random words and I attempt to try and figure out what he might be saying or asking. There is no real conversation.
I have to ask myself if I can really do this. If a once a week phone call upsets me, what will seeing her on a regular basis do? What will it be like when she can pick up the phone and call me whenever she wants because it isn't an international call? How will I cope with sitting on the couch face-to-face with my father trying to decipher his few words?
I know God is saying it is time to go back....but sometimes I am not sure He has fully investigated what He is sending me to!

[dema]

You know that God knows. And Kimby, your parents are aging. You have unresolved issues. Regret is a horrible thing. God does this thing I call multiple 100% reasons.

One 100% reason for you to be overseas for three years and not longer could be that you needed three years to be able to build enough strength to deal with these issues. But, the time just may have come to do so.

Also, you ay have experienced with children the maddening behavior of you being mad at them and trying to express the seriousness of their actiona and they don't react. They don't acknowledge that you even exist. My mother told me that she realized early on that when I did that that I was just so devastated by my own behavior that I was paralized. (I was basically a good little girl - so, please don't think I was doing something awful - just normal stuff. Like puncturing my brand new outfit 20 minutes after my mother put it on me - looking back it was pretty amazing the way I managed to destroy that outfit )

I know that your mother doesn't understand about your relationship with God. It may be that she does care deeply about you, her little girl, but is trying to avoid any topic that might lead to a disagreement. That she wants to keep you on the phone, so she babbles endlessly, but that the subject of God makes her squirm like a worm and so she filibusters you. And God is so much a part of your life that that means she pretty much needs to talk over you all the time.

My daughter has some weird religious beliefs. I listen and interpret them favorably to me as far as I can - but when she gets to a certain point my innards kindof boil and I shut her down. Now, I explained to her what is going on inside of me. But, you know, Kimby, I bet that very few people really TRY to even figure out what is going on inside of them - let alone figure it out and be able to describe it. And of the people they would describe it to - very few would even respect it so there just isn't much motive.

Which brings us back to staring at the floor numbly or babbling in an endless filibuster.

I suspect your mother cares very much. And I also expect that the thought of you talking aobut God and making her insides kindof boil is bothering her a good bit too.

My daughter does respect me in that way. When I tell her I have to stop, she stops. And when she is telling a conservative person what she believes, she uses my words and stops before the point where I get her to stop. She prefers to get along with people. Not everybody does - many people feel like they have to be heard.

So, my plausible and favorable interpretation (did you pick up on the fact that sometimes I come up with plausible and favorable explanations that I WANT to believe - these are quite a bit different than divinely guided wisdom) is that:

Your mom loves you very much but doesn't understand you on a basic level.
She wants you to be around, but your whole God thing makes her squirm.
That she really wants to keep you on the phone - much like holding hands - but she doesn't want you to talk because either it makes her squirm or the two of you end up in an argument.
And that God wants you to resolve your hurt with your mom.

Also, Kimby, I suspect that your dad misses you very, very much and that he might really like to hear you talk about God. And having a one-sided conversation will be a lot easier when you are in the room with him and he can squeeze your hand. And that eye contact and clumsy touches may say a lot more about love than anything you can get over the phone.

A lot of this is just Dema speaking, but I said a few prayers through this - so hopefully there's a word or two from God in the mix.

God Bless - I know this is tough. And Kimby, sometimes when you wait to talk, the details that make it all clear get left out. A compromise might be to write it out while you are mad and then edit before you post - but this post from you is great. Very expressive. Your furor is very controlled.