cleanin the closets

[stillstanding]

the closets are the darkest places. the place where i tuck away the bad owies. safe in there with the warm sweaters. man this weed pulling stuff is tough. i have posted in some other forums some other parts of who i am as i journey to a weed free garden and control of my thoughts.

onward...this is the board for abuse of all kinds...so firstly the emotional. my parents weren't outwardly abundantly talkative, giving, loving, or involved with me as a tiny child. my dad was "afraid" he would break me so he wouldn't pick me up. my mom was stressed from a complicated pregnancy and never really had a chance to get past that because of the way my dad was behaving. so she resented me - but she wouldn't ever say that...sometimes ya just know in yer knower...God made me the way i am on purpose. i wanted to be loved as do we all. i wanted to please them. i did everything they wanted and i never misbehaved. they taught me to depend only on myself and i learned. i'm not casting blame. they did the best they could with their resources and knowledge and I am who i am based on my choices or reactions to what was put on my plate. i seek love and i want everyone to have it exceedingly abundantly. my heart cries for hurting people.

my dad called me names like idiot, dummy, and mostly stupid. he was horribly angry and easily provoked. i learned it well, as the scripture says not to associate with angry people unless you should learn it from them. my mom was all about stuff. she filled her emptiness with things and if i should damage one of her precious things she made it clear that the thing was more important than i was. the few occasions i did misbehave i was quickly spanked, usually with a belt, sometimes with a flyswatter, a couple times with a broom. i learned. whatever i had done to be spanked i never did again...at least as a child. it was a speak when spoken to family. and i learned to thoroughly analyze my words before i spoke.

but i was emotionally neglected always. i quit trying to please the people who "loved" me when i was almost 13. my mother laid it out there clearly, finally, that i wasn't pretty enough because i wasnt petite and thin and no one would ever be able to love me if i was "heavy". and her dad, who i held sooooo dear, confirmed that that summer when i went to visit. while we were shopping one day I saw some jeans i wanted and he said if i lost weight he would buy them for me. ouch. so even he, whom i thought loved me dearly, didn't really. so i learned a valuable lesson about people that stuck with me until now...people who "love" you can't be trusted.

so i spent the next 10 years testing my mother's theory in the world and proved her right. and what i learned during that time was that NO people can be trusted. i allowed myself to be physically abused. i say allow because i didn't try to stop it. i didn't care enough to bother. drugs and mostly alcohol dulled my senses enough.

i have just discovered real love again tho as i have found that God really does love me and has never left me nor forsaken me, but instead has been standing with me watching out for me and keeping me safe faithfully for all these years...patiently waiting because he chose me to serve. when He saved me, He really did save me

[deetu]

hi sorta
amen on God loving you

Here is a link that might find interesting and helpful.
http://www.christianityoasis.com/Member ... hp?t=19208

[foreverHis]

sortamorta...I'm so glad you are here, and writing out all your feelings, that's a big step to take, but an important one.


I'm glad that you realize that God loves YOU...
also that the way you were treated was not because of you, but because of how other people reacted..

we all want to be loved, and to feel that love, but us humans fall short, but when we nestle into His love,healing begins, and will continue to rise above all that has gone on before.

Parents are human and make lots of mistakes at times, and sometimes some things should never happen or be said..

and can cause pain and grief, but you my dear has learned that it is not you, not personal and know the Fathers love for you..

does it hurt? yes that the ones who really craved love from, didn't happen, but we can learn for this, and pass on love to all we meet and come in contact with..especially families, and let others feel the warmth and nuture of real love..thank you for you post ...and i know the Lord will take you deeper and deeper into Him...

The Lord will never leave you or forsake you....
God Bless

[Tam]

Sorta I am so glad that you found that God does love you indeed. Sometimes when we have parents like you had we have a hard time learning that God does love us. What a major step toward recovery that will be.
Yes cleaning closets and pulling weeds is extremely hard but man in the long run it sure is worth it! You keep on weeding and trusting Him because as forever said, "He will NEVER leave nor forsake you"

Tam

[Dora]

Here for you if you need someone to help you unload all those boxes of stuff.

Can be a painful time but very worth it.

Go with God. He's got you all the way.

[stillstanding]

thank you all for your loving support i feel loved here and so blessed that He brought me here....to my "real" family!

i am prsseing forward every day and i can feel all your prayers for me as God is working miracles in me and changing the ugly things that have become habits i've gotten comfortable in.

GBU all! much much love to all of yas

oh let me throw this in, too....i havent really loved anyone in sooooooooo long i didnt think i even really knew what it was. but God is amazing and i really honestly love y'all....thank you!

[Lani]

Hey sis

Just wanted you to know I am on this journey with you as well.

Here to help, anytime


His is SOOOOOO Awesome! It is an honor to witness the work He is doin in your life, ty for sharing the path with us.




Peace n Luv in Christ,
Lani

[dema]

Honey, not fighting doesn't mean that you allowed anything. Really. There are so many studies about the damage that abuse does. It isn't like you were a healthy, strong person walking in and laying down to be abused - that isn't what happened.

The abuse changes you and changes your reactions. There is this thing called Stockholm syndrom that you might want to Google - it probably doesn't apply to you, but it will show you how people lose a sense of self and the corresponding ability to control.

Forgive yourself. Please. God forgives you. We love you. Forgive yourself.

If you want to PM me, I will look up some of the things for you. I am not a trained counselor. I am a research nut. I can't give you formal therapy - but I can help to convince you that you are a lot more normal and forgivable than you think.

Also, remember that Paul was consenting to the death of Chrstians. David was an adulterer and murderer. No matter what unforgivable behavior you have actually done - God can and probably has forgiven you.

But, the fact is that you probably haven't done anything at all on the scale of these famous sinners whom God used. Really. And while you are crippled by guilt, you are stuck where God has great difficulty in using you and lifting you up.

Picture where a jacket that has chains and weights all over it. Now picture unbuttoning it and letting it slide off your shoulders - and then feeling so light that you can fly around above a peaceful lake. Let go. Let it go. It is forgivable - I promise it is. Really.

[Dora]

God is working miracles in me

Amen.

You are a miracle!!!!!

[stillstanding]

I am forgiven! I can love and be loved! I love y'all! that is proof!

**jumps for joy**


I love I love I love

[kimby]

Woo hoo!!!
Hug! Hug! Hug!

[stillstanding]

ok yall know me and i love ya's. i have been such a private person in my private pain so long. sometimes somethings take longer to be able to be shared. i guess i've skimmed over this part a while thinking it didnt really hafta be put out there. but it is part of who i am. it is stuff that i have lived thru so there must be a reason for having lived thru it. i dont think we just randomly suffer. someone must need to hear...so here goes.
when i was 16 and in a drunken mindless stupor i got pregnant. i had a son and put him up for adoption. when i was 18 and still drunk i got pregnant again by the guy i was dating and again placed a son for adoption. this time not by choice but because of my family and situation.
this is all i can say about this right now.