Christianity Oasis Forum

[Lani]

Hey Y'all

This is not my normal... cheerful... post style. I just need to share a lil bit, please know I typed this at 2 o'clock Tuesday morning... and the pain that was present in my heart is less a focus at this time, but I feel I should share as to let y'all see.... yep Lani is human.


For those of you who do not know....

My father left this world 12 years ago, I was 19.

The stress of his passing was too much for my mother to bare and she sort of.. "checked out". While she is still living today, it is a shell of who she was. If you have seen the movie, "The Notebook" you will understand. Despite the fact that doctors have tested and tried all they can, she remains... distant. So, in a sense it was as though I lost both of them in that time.

However, after receiving an dreadful call yesterday, I learned that my mothers kidneys are failing, she is filling with fluid and her lungs and heart will not be able to withstand this for long. At 64 years old, I should be thankful for the end of her earthly suffering and yes, I am. But I always held onto the hope that she would "wake up" and be my mother again and then we could talk and share and "catch up".

The reality that this will not come to pass on this level of existence has my heart aching. The flame of my candle of hope (for this instance) is slowly fading and I am faced with the truth that her time is ending.

My mother has been sick since childhood.... and pain is something she had to overcome daily but she always seemed so graceful, even when she thought I was a volunteer sent to just "visit" with her she was kind.
Please don't misunderstand, at times... She was there. We would talk of all kinds of things and I focus on those moments.... as they are gems over the last 12 years.

Her doctor has made it clear that Thanksgiving is even a "long shot".....

Now, before y'all jump on me....
I Know this is for the better, considering her quality of life.
I Know God has this and it is according to His perfect plan.
I Know she will be with those her heart aches for once again.
I Know I will celebrate the fact that she will be home once more.
I Know that I will see her again.
I Know that the sun will still shine even when I wish it wouldn't.
I Know that my heart won't actually break.
I Know that she will be WHOLE once more and all pain will be gone.
I Know doctors word is Not gold and only God really knows.
I Know... sigh ..... Lots of stuff

What I don't KNOW is how to turn off human hurt.
(uh huh, I know not possible but..)

I am not asking any of you to "fix" this.... I simply needed to share before my brain explodes.

This may come as a shock to those of you who know me... because well, I don't share. I know God has me and this and ultimately He will bring peace. But, I'd just like some company in this storm.

Love all of ya more than you know.

Thank Him for you..... and Thank You for hearing.


Lani

[Mackenaw]

Hello Lani

I am here with you, and sending up prayers to our Lord, on your behalf. God's blessed will be done.

I do understand, Lani. And, so does our Lord.

God bless and keep you, dear Lani.
Love,
Mack

[Wonderfilled One]

Oh how I wish I could somehow pray hard enough, or snap my fingers, and make Your pain go away, but I too am human, and my heart cries for You. You have been such a strength in my walk, something I will be eternally grateful to You, and to PaPa, for. There is no weakness in showing our pain, Ya know...those tears are made for healing!
I am soo glad that You decided to share, for Your healing, and so that we can all share in , walk through, and journey to the healing side along with You.
I know how much it took for You to get here Sis, but here You are....please accept our Love.
God Bless You and Yours, I Luv Ya Sis!
Wonder

[ciny]

Hi Lani im praying for you and i love you i pray God perfict will in your mothers life and healing and i pray for the peace of God come on you and your family and i pray that your mother has no pain and discomfort,

[lizzie]

Lani, I am standing in prayer with you for your mom. May God give you courage and strength during this terribly difficult time

GBU

[sbennett]

Of course you are feeling a lot of hurt. Its a very hurtful situation....she is your mother. I lost my Mom when I was 11 and it still hurts at times today. I can not imagine how you must feel having your mom there.....but not really.

I will be praying for you. I pray God will hold you in HIS arms as you feel the loss and that HE will give you peace in the days ahead. Know that you are loved no matter what by your Savior and by all your friends which will always include me.

[deetu]

Father, give Lani peace and comfort in this time
and peace and comfort for her mother
I ask in Jesus' name

[vahn]

Hey , Chin up !



In Christ , our Lord

[xxJILLxx]

Lani,

I am so sorry for your pain. I am praying for u and your family. We all stand beside you sis.

Love u much sister

God's blessed will be done in all things.

♥Jill

[Tam]

Hi sis!
I know you know you know you know all this that you need to know.
I know you know you know that Papa has you in all this and I know I know I know you don't want no preaching or scripture throwing at you so all I am gonna tell you is that you know you know you know I love you sis and you know you know you know that I am here praying for strenght for you . That is all I am gonna say about that

Now for the mushy part...I am so glad that you stepped out from your comfort zone and shared this with your family here. As someone always tells me we are not meant to walk it alone So you can beat me all you want to....but yes Papa does have you in all this and Yes we are praying for you cuz we love you.
Seriously I am proud of you cuz I know this took a lot for you .
Love ya sis!


had to put it in a language that you could understand now I am totally confused

[Dora]

Thank you for sharing. I appreciate you giving me the pleasure to lift you up in this.

Love you.

[Lani]

Ummm well, in truth, I had intended to post that (up there) and run away
like "Ok God, I did it... done now"

But, y'all deserve more than that and so does He.

Thank you, each of you for reaching back ...

Please know, yes this was outside my comfort zone and seeing it is AHH because I don't share. I know God has all things and therefore, my challenges need not be expressed. My fear is that others will miss the truth I am attempting to offer and will then carry this allowing it weigh on them... don't want that so I avoid such.

All I wish to do is assist others their pain, cuz yeah... I get it but how can I honestly expect someone to reach out to me or trust me if they live believing the lie that my life is perfect.. Biggest joke out there,
No One is Immune to pain...NO ONE! It is just one facet of our Awesome, Icky, Human trip around the Blue Blob.

This original post, I wrote at 2 AM mostly because at that moment I didn't care who read it... I just wanted it out. Then, rest came.. and after two hours of sleep, I read that bit and thought... wow did I write that? I didn't know what to do with it... I refused to "save" it to my computer because I didn't want to hear my own pain... well read it. So, I left it shrunk to my task bar for 24 + hours.... then I shared with a dear sister who said... you should share. Papa said share too a lot and reluctantly... I did so....... well I am still havin a temper tantrum about it but the truth remains... I can share and the world won't stop :D

Now, to explain a lil further, though it is likely NOT to make much sense cuz my sentences are like "What?" lately...

Yes, for the most part... I am ok... No, that is not a lie or mask...
I rest fully in His truth to be with me.

Raised as I was.... Life has me well seasoned to get up and face the day with the Light He gives... to meet others in their pain and share His truth.
To put my pain aside, and do what needs done without allowing it to effect another... regardless of the night of ... forgive the term if it offends you .. hell, I have faced.

It may sound like an excuse to some of you.... and maybe I am lying to myself but it is not as though I avoid these hurts forever... I wish I could! I tried that for a long time.. and ALL it got me was sick.
I simply put these things aside to address other needs first....but, they are there, waiting for the calm of night, when the work I am called to do is done and there is nothing left but my time with Papa to work on Lani. Though some days, I'd love a "Get out of Crud Free" card; don't we all. I know it is something I must do, to stay on His path for me so I do so... hair in pigtails, arms crossed (some days) but still moving forward .

Yes, it is a rough night.... will this last forever, NO, Thank You Lord! but the ongoing anxiety of "when" this will come to pass has me "grr". It is hard to explain but I know some of you "get it" and I mean... Really Get it... and for that, I am thankful.

Really, It is as though, I am "loosing her again" and I know this is a lie and I can see His truth but.. dangflabit, I am human grr again. When this all began 12 years ago, I thought "Well this is how she is dealing, give it a lil time" .... though no matter how many times I said this, my heart was like "uh huh".... but it was a safety clause... well she is sitll "here" so it is ok.... not the reality that she will not "be here" much longer forces me to face that which I'd like to avoid.

Some will come to read this some time down the road, and they will say... "I had no idea"... and to you, I am sorry. I meant not to keep it from ya God guided when you were to read it, not for me to decide.

Thanks to each of ya for standing with me, supporting me and lifting prayer. If it sounds as though I am whining.... or grumpy, adjust your channel setting .....for that is not my heart tone....
This is my act of faith, to show you that I really do love each of ya.... and I really do "get it" but most of all.. I really DO want to help you in your journey.

He has this, No Worries!:)
I love appreciate you more than you may ever know.

Peace n Love in Christ,
Lani