The Inner Child

[Dora]

What does the study mean when it says to stop the triggers from triggering?

Because to me it sounds like that means if someone sneaks up behind me and sticks something in my ribs the memory of someone sneaking up behind me as a child and putting a knife in my ribs is not suppose to even surface.

[deetu]

Before doing the study, ask Holy Spirit to be there. Ask to see the memory as a movie only... with no remembered pain. And if a flashback comes, call on Jesus to pull you out. Ever have a bad dream and make yourself wake up? Same thing... remember, put it in your mind that you can call on Him anytime.

[Dora]

Before doing the study, ask Holy Spirit to be there. Ask to see the memory as a movie only... with no remembered pain. And if a flashback comes, call on Jesus to pull you out. Ever have a bad dream and make yourself wake up? Same thing... remember, put it in your mind that you can call on Him anytime.

You're right dee. If I use the study with the Holy Spirit I know I'm not expected to not have memories come back when something simular happens. But when I read it with my weapons formed against myself and all others I come out of it with anger and confusion.

I went to the counselor this morning. First time in about 6 months. Going to start going back once a week. If I can.

One thing I took out of the session was this picture of me standing between two worlds. On the left is the devil or a servant of his coming at me and trying to pull me back into the world I was in. Not pictures of it, but the feelings of it. The way that little girl felt. Confused. Alone. Lost. Dirty. Desperate. Lonely. Guilty. Hurt. Rejected. On the right is an immense brightness. So bright I can't see. What I feel there is love, peace, accepted, cared about. And I'm in the middle. Would seem that where you would find God is on the far side of that bright light, waiting for me to move there to Him. But where He is found is right beside me. Between me and the bad side. So to protect? I would think. Cause He is good like that.

More was said and done. Some left me feeling raw. Some left me sorta angry. That's sorta my fault though cause to end the session I'm suppose to continue to work on things till I feel a peace and some what happy. And I told her I was fine.

So stop beating myself up, receive and live in grace, listen to the Holy Spirit, fight the enemy when he tries to drag me emotionally back into the darkness and accept, receive, believe in, and walk in the light side. I think that last one is the hardest because the lighted side isn't just Jesus, it's a community of brothers and sisters. One of the best parts of heaven is not just seeing Jesus and worshiping Him but the community of brothers and sisters that we will be surrounded with, giving and receiving in love and grace and accepting each other just as they are. Though we can't find that here on earth, these humans sometimes can get real close to that. I don't know if that makes since to anyone. But it does to me.

GB Love you all

[ciny]

Hi Sis Praying for you i started going back to a therapist i April of this year wich has helped a lot plus getting into Gods word and like Dee says
to call on Jesus to pull you out of the flash backs.
Pine for along time i couldnt ride my bike and i loved to go bike riding i use to go into flashback when i was rideing my bike even when i was walking that happened i can ride my bike now praise God.the flash back are better from getting into Gods word and asking God to bring me out of it. you Pine my Oasis family have been a encouragment to me i pray that iam helpful to you as well yup yup we all need eachother my life is better with you in it ((Pine))my sister.
love ya Ciny

[Dora]

Ciny you are so precious. I love you so! Yes you are an encouragement. I talk to God about you often. He smiles over you.

Today is day 11. Peace be Still

I sure could use that. I just feel so completely unsure of everything right now.

Cubby considered canceling the trip to Missouri so to bring me peace.

Romans 8:6
For to be carnally minded is death; but to be spiritually minded is LIFE AND PEACE.

Isaiah 26:3
Thou wilt keep him in perfect peace, whose mind is stayed on thee: because he trusteth in thee.

He's asking me to dance but I don't know how. My feet are clumsy. Every move is awkward. I just want to go sit this out. But He keeps twirling and swirling. The learning process must be the most frustrating.

It's all going to be all right.....right?

[Timothy]

right!

cause the more you practice at it, the better you get.

[Timothy]

Amen ciny

[Dora]

Timothy!!!

My spirit leaps when I see you. You're like a rock. With a sweet gentle loving spirit. It brings me such comfort when you are around. I love you and your family so much.

So far so good. The mental battles have been there since I woke up, but I've not listened. Not to one. And turned to God to ask questions when I want to hear truth. And He is faithful.

Setting out is easier. Much easier. But it's a rather sad way to live. I wanna dance. And when I trip and fall over my big feet I wanna just laugh and get back up and dance again. With Him.

I saw a picture long ago that I didn't like. It was from the Lord I know. Little girl in her white dress playing barefoot, twirling and dancing and picking flowers. She was singing a song that was all her own. All was well. She was at such peace. Was a lovely picture. Watching was Jesus. He went to join her and she snapped at him in an anger. She was afraid. Very afraid. I know the feeling. I know who she is. She tried to go back to dancing and singing but she had lost that inner peace. That childish joy. She was focusing on protecting herself from what she considered could be danger. Because she didn't accept fully that He wasn't like the others. There between them was a void. A grey nothing. It is my prayer that the void will be removed and that she will dance with Him and sing her very own song to Him and with Him. If I pray it and believe it, it will happen. He won't say no to a prayer like that. He is willing.

[Dora]

Day 12

Though we may still be in the tunnel right now we SEE the end of the it.

I appreciate that. I feel like since I'm nearing the end of the study I'm expected to be over it all.

I am choosing to not listen to the whispers which helps a lot! And to save working on the past for when I'm with my counselor. When memories pop up I just say I don't have to deal with that right now. I'm not stuffing it. Just not allowing it to have every moment of my day/week.

A few things the study talked about today that caught my attention more than others is saltiness. I think I lost some of mine. Something to pray about.

Another thing is in a poem which seemed to be written just fro me it said...

Lil girl

Can you come out and play?
Come out of hiding,
It's a new day.
Do you know you are precious?
Do you know you are pure?
Believe you are special.
Believe you are lovable.

There was more to it that spoke to me but this one portion, believe you are special..believe you are lovable. Um...I don't know what to say. Sorta stuck there. So making a note. For things to work on and pray about.

A lot of the poems seemed to speak just to me. I copied them down. Though sweet and tender they seem to cause pain with in. Weird.

I also found the poem about having a song with in, a song of our very own interesting. It went along with the vision I typed about a few days ago. Where the little girl with in was singing a song of her very own.

[Tam]

Pine I am so proud of you 11 lessons ago you wanted to quit. Didn't know if you could do this or not. Didn't even know if you wanted to.
Look at you sis, you are nearing the end and you are doing it. You are working through it.
You keep pressing in sis!
Love ya

[Dora]

Thank you Tam! You know me to well. A kindred spirit that walked simular paths. Your presence and words always brings me a comfort because I know you KNOW! You give me strength to carry on just by being here. I praise God for you!

Todays study is on reaching out to others. I think I've got that covered. I became His servant many many years ago. Gave my life to serve Him. Gave my everything. Every moment. To the point I became just a servant and not a child. It bound me. Now I'm relearning to be His child first and foremost. Funny how us humans can either be at one end of the spectrum or the other but very seldom in the middle which is where peace is.

Some thoughts since yesterday is Counseling...brings about a feeling a fear. Nervous to the point of showing outward signs of stress. I feel like I'm going in for mental surgery. She's going to extract memories. Make me face them and accept them. Process them. Then file them. Her goal is to bring me to the point I can say what happened with out my spirit being effected.

A woman I know has told me twice now that she was molested. She was crying. I wanted so badly to say to her I understand and to comfort her by sharing that I to was hurt. But I couldn't even say I understand. So how did that make her feel? Does she wonder if I pulled away from her. Does she think I find her dirty. All I had to do was open my mouth and let just a few words flow, but I couldn't. I couldn't even say I understand. So when typing I can say a lot. But behind this screen I can not reach the hurting. Because my own past still grips me and holds me captive. No more. I'm ready to break free. So I can reach those around me who are hurting. I said nothing to this broken woman while she cried. Nothing! I want to get to the place where those I run into physically can feel comfort in knowing I've been there to. I have contact with this woman regularly and have had the chance to share with her that I see her as having things all together. That I don't see her as struggling. Which made her cry again. She said she sees me as having everything all together. Which surprised me because she is very critical of me.

Oh wow I typed this before I read the study today. Todays study says....

If we continue to ignore the other souls that are going through the same thing WE went through, is that loving them?

The story says....

I pray: Help me to make my amends to those that I have harmed. Grant them love and peace so they understand I'm sorry. Help me share my shame and pain so others they might do the same. And so awaken to themselves and to all peoples of this world.

Check out her last words. Wow. After all she went though, she is trying to make amends. THEN she prays that she is able to share what she felt and went through so OTHERS can recover as well and find the freedom and strength that she did.

[Tam]

I said nothing to this broken woman while she cried. Nothing!

Pine don't let this eat at you sis! Forgive yourself!
A sister here told me just recently that sometimes we needed to stop reaching for a little bit and take care of us. Get us so that we can hear and reach again. Maybe that is where you are. For me, I had to stop reading the forums and trying to respond to them. I had to allow myself 2 weeks to heal. (That was the number I felt like God gave me). Sometimes I think that we give and give and give and give that we run out. It is like your car, you fill the gas tank up and your run and run, slowly that needle drops, well it gets to half way and you stop and put $5.00 in it to move the needle up just a little because you know once it reaches the half way mark...it is down hill from there. I feel like that is how it is with us. We give and give and give, put a little in every night to refresh but keep giving more than we are being filled. It comes to the point where we have to stop, refuel and get ready to go again. A weary soldier can't give all that He should...but once He is refueled and rested...Watch out!
You are doing so good doing these steps. I am so proud of you sis! I believe in you. Now you have to love and believe in yourself.
You keep pressing sis....You will make it!