The Inner Child

[Dora]

dee..thank you!

Day #4

Was if If someone dug with in my brain and typed out what I think. To hear/read someone say....

Reminds me how we feel everyday.
You know what I mean?
It didn't really happen.
I can't believe they did that.
I can't believe I did that.
I'm so angry at them. I hate them.
I'm so frustrated at myself for allowing it.
I can't believe no one saw or said anything.
It did happen, but its over now.
God saved me from a lot worse that could have come from it.
I can't believe God just LET it happen.
Up and down. Up and down. Every hour. Every day. Every week.

I struggle with the "It didn't really happen" every time the memory is there. Shake it off and go on. Putting on the mask, or smile and acting silly as if all is well. I feel like when I hush the things that pop up, I hush her, the little girl. When I deny what happened, I feel I deny her. Leaving her feeling unimportant, lost and alone.

It's hard sometimes to accept it even really happened. That's normal. If we accept it, that means we ADMIT it actually happened. THEN it becomes real. So, if we continue to deny everything, it will make everything okay.

I've never put voice to any sexual offense that has taken place. I feel as if I do it would make it real and I would scream and the anger would come out. I feel as if I did, I might die or never be the same. What I've been doing isn't working. Not completely. I wonder if that's the way to release what's inside. The way to freedom. Even to whisper what happened in an empty room seems impossible.

"Was I ever crazy? Maybe. Or maybe life is... Crazy isn't being broken or swallowing a dark secret. It's you or me amplified."

That's cool!

When the triggers go off or when I see how I respond to something different than most would I hear that...I'm crazy...I'm crazy...I'm crazy.

When I hears kind words but they get twisted some how with my mind and come out as something totally opposite of what was meant, I hear those words...I'm crazy. Mentally ill from all that's happened. I can make it through the day. I can make it through life. One day at a time. And most have no idea that something is going on with in. Because I just hush and take it with in never allowing it to come out.

If what happened is real...I'm dirty.
If what happened isn't real...I'm crazy.

Either way I loose.

And I didn't do it! I didn't choose it.

Or did I. I could of stayed home like my sister did and not played with my friend. I could of avoided danger if I would of obeyed mom. We were never to go alone. And when my sister left Grandmas I was suppose to leave to. BUT it was so much fun! Until uncle came home.

He knew how much I longed to have a daddy that loved me. How telling me I could be his special one was what I wanted to hear. My sister was my dads special one. She was loved, accepted, perfect.

Going to renew and focus on what God says. All will be well. He has her.

[Tam]

You know that I love you sis....so just gonna be real with ya ok?

I struggle with the "It didn't really happen" every time the memory is there. Shake it off and go on. Putting on the mask, or smile and acting silly as if all is well. I feel like when I hush the things that pop up, I hush her, the little girl. When I deny what happened, I feel I deny her. Leaving her feeling unimportant, lost and alone

.
Pine it is time to stop hiding behind the mask and face it head on. Face your giants sis....God is right there with you to get you past them.

I've never put voice to any sexual offense that has taken place. I feel as if I do it would make it real and I would scream and the anger would come out. I feel as if I did, I might die or never be the same. What I've been doing isn't working. Not completely

Uh huh putting a voice to it does make it real! and it hurts like hades I will not lie to you. BUT you have to make it real to get past it. You are not crazy and you are not alone....you have many encouraging you along your way and you have Jesus right there with you sis. In reading your post this song popped in my mind Make it Real by Mark Lowry

When I hears kind words but they get twisted some how with my mind and come out as something totally opposite of what was meant, I hear those words...I'm crazy. Mentally ill from all that's happened. I can make it through the day. I can make it through life. One day at a time. And most have no idea that something is going on with in. Because I just hush and take it with in never allowing it to come out.

If what happened is real...I'm dirty.
If what happened isn't real...I'm crazy.

Either way I loose.

Uh huh the enemy likes to attack our mind. Our words get all twisted and we feel like a failure and a idiot....that is what the enemy wants you to think sis. Change those thoughts. Everytime you hear a bad thought replace it with 2 good ones even if you don't believe it sis. You are not a loser. Pine you are such a warrior you are a fighter and you are winning this battle. I don't see you losing at all.

Or did I. I could of stayed home like my sister did and not played with my friend. I could of avoided danger if I would of obeyed mom. We were never to go alone. And when my sister left Grandmas I was suppose to leave to. BUT it was so much fun! Until uncle came home.

Sis you have got to STOP blaming you. You were a child you only wanted to do what kids do and that is play and have fun. You did not ask for anything!!!!! If I only would have stayed home from my grandmothers all those years I would not have had to endure so much....but mamaws was fun. I loved spending time with her. Yes I knew what would happen every single night...but the fun out weighted that every single time. Why?
because I was a kid and having fun is what I did best!!! IT is not my fault that my grandfather was a friend and it is NOT your fault that your uncle was a friend. You gotta get out from under this blame sis! Put blame where blame is due....not on you but on the uncle, the enemy.

He knew how much I longed to have a daddy that loved me. How telling me I could be his special one was what I wanted to hear. My sister was my dads special one. She was loved, accepted, perfect.

Isn't it good to know that we now have a Daddy that loves us dirt and all and that will pick us up and sit us in HIS lap and tell us all those things we want to hear! Pine we are HIS treasured possession..His child....we are not a mistake or a let down. We are the Apple of HIS eye.

You are doing good sis. Keep up the gooe work. Love you bunches!!

[Dora]

Pine it is time to stop hiding behind the mask and face it head on. Face your giants sis....God is right there with you to get you past them.

Uh huh putting a voice to it does make it real! and it hurts like hades I will not lie to you. BUT you have to make it real to get past it.

Now there's a mountain only God can move. When something triggers I won't speak. Someone says are you ok. I shake my head yes. Then when the pictures get all put back in their box I start snipping at people. I have managed to share with my husband a few things, only because I see his confusion and hurt and know if I share he will find peace in understanding what set me off wasn't about what he did but about what was going on inside my mind. If it were for me, I would just stuff it back.

Thoughts today were if Freedom comes from admitting then It's what I want to do.

How do I know really know it's the way.

I talk to gals that say the words. They say their dad did such and such or this man did this. And I think, wow brave girl! Cause I can't!

I feel like the demons would rush in and drag me so far down I wouldn't be able to function.

I am reminded how His spirit swept in and surrounded me and saved me when I returned to the scene. That was the most awesome experience I have ever felt. I would of missed it if I had of been to afraid to return. I began working through the struggles of the past 2 moths before I returned to the scene. Here I am again working through stuff and will be returning in November. I wonder if it's Gods plan that I work through this then return to complete it. Or if knowing I'm returning causes these things to surface.

Either way I do feel like I'm a million miles away from anyone, that I've got to do this alone, no matter what I do seems like the wrong decision (share, not share, speak of it, hold it in, ect.). Right now I'm scared. Scared of the past and it's haunts and scared of the future, returning home. Scared to not finish this. Scared to stay where I am. Scared I'll fall into darkness. Scared I'll disappoint Him. I'm angry. Not at Him. At them. I know I know I know..forgiveness. I'm not God. I'm just to be His child. But being a child got me hurt.

He shows me pictures of the little girl. He's always close by, sometimes holding her hand. But she keeps a bit of a distance. Just incase He can't be trusted. Even still, she's care free, dances, plays, and yacks up a storm with Him over simple things like flowers and clouds and birds. And she giggles. I just want to be that little girl, but I want the distance gone.

Admitting is the way? What if I admit and things aren't better?

I ran into my counselor yesterday. We talked about kids and husbands and such. I tried a few times to tell her I need to come back but when I opened my mouth nothing came out. I was thinking it would make me accountable to going in to see her again. And when I sit in that chair in her office and she looks at me and says what's up....something will have to be said. Thought about taking a pad of paper and a marker and writing it then reading it out loud.

[angelbaby]

Writing it and then reading it is a good idea, Pine. I often have trouble saying things in counseling sometimes until someone else say it. I go around hint at it until someone else says it. When it is said, I usually can say it to. Sometimes, I draw. Drawing it out and then beginning asked to explain it helps as well. This sounds fun and childish, but hey it works. Play hangman. The object of game is not to win or lose, but it is a way to communicate something in non-threatening way. (((((((((((((hugs))))))))))))

[deetu]

Pine, believe what God tells you.
Believe His visions...they are not your imagination but from Him.
Believe that the white you wear is for being pure in His eyes.
Believe that He is always there for you and you can trust that He can be trusted.
And believe that He is stronger then any demon. He made them after all...they are not equal to Him.
But you are because of Jesus.
So believe that you are stronger then the evil.

Once you can grab on to this for yourself... you believe it for others but you need to believe it for yourself...you will be able to know that freedom you seek.

[Dora]

I've not journaled in a few days but have continued the study. I have journaled in my own personal journal for different reasons.

Last night I realized two of my cousins that went through this same sort of stuff, just a little different, by the same man and men have said things to me that should be enough evidence for me to accept yes it happened. I really would like for one to say this is what they remember. It just seems like it would bring me relief, confirmation, and I wouldn't feel so alone in this.

I felt a lift in my spirit last night. Like things are being accepted and settling in. I got out of the house and had fun with the family in a community event. Was fun and relaxing.

The past few steps have been good. Today was right on. Brought peace and brought direction. Gave me lots to think about. Day #7 might be one I should go back to every now and again.

Love yas.

[Dora]

The study shared things to stay away from...

Listening to music that drags our spirit down. Music that we listened to when we were at our lowest points. So when we listen to it, it takes us back there.

Thank you for saying that. I have a very hard time with the music from that time. It drags me back to those feelings every time. The feelings, and flashbacks are very hard to deal with when I hear that music.

Another thing the study says to stay away from...

Visiting websites that have led us to trouble and drama. Whether it be chat rooms or just other people's websites about themselves.

Remember reading certain things and feeling all those negative feelings just from something we read that we didn't HAVE to read to begin with? That's too much drama for us now. We are all about PEACE and CHANGING. Let's stay focused and be extremely careful where we visit online.

That's rather interesting. The only chat site I go to is here. When on those sleepless nights when I'm crying for hours I wonder why do I do this to myself. Why allow a web site to cause me so many tears. Think I'm going to spend more time away and less time here. Because of the drama and being treated unfairly. My anxiety has been so huge lately, 4 weeks actually, I am sick nearly all the time, and this site has caused most of it. Having one foot in a world that I nearly almost accept loves me and accepts me as I am, and one foot in the old world that says they'll dump ya as soon as you mess up. How can you love and have fear of being dumped. You can't. It causes to much anxiety inside. I guess that means I'm stepping back into the old world. Where the walls are up and no one can hurt me. What's my other option. Stay where I am sick all the time. Anyhow I managed an hour of sleep last night before the whisperer woke me up. So if things are said that shouldn't be....forgive me or delete my post..or what ever needs be done. His will.

So I have kids to spend time with, a quilt to finish, yard work needs done, and a house that has suffered over my time spent here. My darlin child made me a pot of coffee this morning and poured me a cup. I want to start a bible study with them like we use to do. Tonight we're meeting with young adults to discuss hosting a young adult bible study at our home. Awana has started and I'm helping again this year. Trying not to help to much cause it's not my thing but cubbys. There's new bible studys starting up this week on the book of Acts that I really really want to attend. It's difficult to do these things when I'm here. Drawn here? Don't know. But there's definitely going to be some changes in the amount of time I spend here. So perhaps this study is Gods way of saying, it's time to focus else where.

[Tam]

Pine you said one thing in this post that I would like to address please
you said

I guess that means I'm stepping back into the old world. Where the walls are up and no one can hurt me.

You can step out into the world but you don't have to live like the world tells you to. You don't have to hide behind those walls. Step out into the world and show them the light that you have....the healing that HE has done in you...He can do in others. You go out there and SHINE for HIM!
No need to hide...because He is right there with you and will carry you through.
I love you bunches sis and I will truly miss you ...but you better come back and see us! Ok?
Prayers go with you

[Dora]

Tam it is called determined to protect.

I was talking with someone the other day, in chat, and she was struggling to share what she was going through. I could tell her exactly what it feels like inside. How can I feel these things still today after all the time and study and seeking and yet share with others He can heal? Perhaps it just needs more time. The huge dark hole that one feels may suck them in and they'll never be found again. The numbness, the huge crack in the heart that feels like it's bleeding. The loneliness as if no one else has a clue what it's like to be me. The fears that every moment there is someone going to catch you off guard and hurt you. The feeling that every time someone is upset or mad that it's your fault. And you have to fix it. Why? I don't know. But I know the feeling inside of this anxiety it causes. Trying to figure out what you did wrong and what you have to do to fix it.

I remember cubby use to get so mad at the football game. Yeah he's calmed down over the games a lot now. And I'd be in the other room pacing the floor in such fear and anxiety trying to figure out what I did to upset him. And all along it wasn't me at all. It was the football game.

I don't know if possibly this behavior comes from the way I was raised. I do know there are others that do the same things. I may be mental but I'm not alone in my mentalness.

So ok I have to figure out why is it when others have emotions especially those of anger (or those that appear simular to anger, ex. frustration) why is it I feel I am the reason for their problem and that I have to fix what I did. I just want to be better.

That has nothing to do with todays study. Just what is going on in my mind.

Ok so I don't have to figure this out. I have a loving God who will reveal what needs revealed and work out what needs worked out in His time.

Tam I'm still thinking out the walls and protection thing sis. You know how hard it is to trust. Then something comes up and you're heart is broken. Thinking it's over. You let someone in and are they gone now? How do you trust someone with a piece of your heart not knowing if they'll one day do you wrong. To trust would bring such joy. But then you think they've walked away and given up on you and it leaves that portion of your heart hurting and bleeding. When one is down the enemy jumps on the opportunity with out hesitation. You know all the things he tries to get you to do. Nothing that is healthy. It's like ravens coming to attack your mind. It's over whelming and painful.

I think I shared this vision of a raven that flew over me. It dropped a seed. The seed went into my mind. I was busy and it was just a little seed so I just ignored it and in my business I couldn't remember how to get the seed out so I just kept busy. The raven saw that the seed took so he came back and dropped another seed over me. It feel with in my mind. I saw it and was frustrated but again it was just a little seed and I was busy with life and the first seed was started to hurt so I was busy trying to figure out the first one. Then the bird saw this so he came back and brought other ravens. They all began planting more and more and more seeds. I was over whelmed and in much mental pain. Then the birds began to take bites out of me.

It's so important to deal with every little seed (thought) that comes to mind when it comes. Instead of just ignoring it.

The vision went on with Jesus showing me a pearl with in me. He said to protect the pearl. My way of protection is to put up walls. He showed me the pearl growing with in me. And that at that time the birds flew away. The pearl is my spirit, the little girl. I don't need walls to protect her. I need to protect her from myself. I inflict more pain on her than anyone ever has or ever will. I want to stop. But for some weird reason it's scary. I have been taking more notice to when I'm causing myself pain. Sometimes it is after the trouble has gone and I see what I did to myself. I was totally convinced at the time it was someone else who was hurting me, but yet it was just me hurting me because I didn't take care of the seeds and the ravens were attacking.

The other night I was woke literally by a spirit that whispered to me that I'm unloved. I should of known because of what I saw that this was a lie, it was a set up! Through out the day I would say I'm believing a lie because if it wasn't that spirit wouldn't of been there telling me this. But I just grasped my heart ache and carried on believing that what I feared most was what was happening. Instead I should of pulled the weeds that were being planted. I mean come on how often does a person see the spirit that plants the seed! I saw and yet I still took that seed in and held it tight as if it was truth. Which inflicted a huge heart ache on myself.

It's fear. Fear of what if I have faith in those around me and trust them with my heart and they break it. It's as if I even expect one day they will.

My little girl. She's such a sweet loving kind young lady. Yet if anyone in any way even slightly hurts her mom (me) watch out, cause she's going to get even. I've found I have to be very careful if I share with her that I'm even frustrated because of a person. She takes on that someone upset her mom and it effects her relationship with them. I share this with you because I want you to see how strong her love is for me, yet with in me is this fear that she will one day walk away and just decide she doesn't need me. What do I do to remove this fear?

I've been typing for an hour and have only read about 10 lines in todays study.

It says...
To try and just drive thru a storm blind is very dangerous.

I'm not only driving blind, I'm creating my own storms.

Last night we had our first meeting with a group of young single adults. They were so thankful that would do this! It felt so good to give. It felt so good to be around people who are alive and filled with the spirit and who appreciated what I was giving. The teens graduate and have no where in the church to fit in so they drift off. They don't belong in youth group, they fit in with the adults cause they have kids, careers, and see these young adults as children still. We tossed out all the possibilities that they could do to draw in more young adults and strengthen them with the word and lead others to Christ through this. I can't reach this group. But I can supply a warm environment and a meal so that their peers can. This Friday we're having a bonfire for them to come and they are inviting their friends. One of them will give a devotional. They will be reading John. And discussing it. I'm just so totally completely excited to see these young people come together and have fun. Ever since we built our home it has been my desire to bless the Lord with it as much as I can. I became frustrated this past summer because the home wasn't giving as much as it could to the Lord. And a community where people are just walking through life. But with in there's this emptiness and longing for more. Many won't enter a church because they just don't fit in there. Most people in church are in school or 40s and up. At least in this area. So for a 20 year old to go to church they feel so alone. No one they can relate to. But they'll come here for a home cooked meal and to hang out with their friends.

I will have to continue the study later. I've used all my time in typing and thinking and processing what has gone on this week.

[Dora]

Piney, sometimes when a "feeling" like that comes at me, instead of fighting it with Truth, I lay it aside -- but not far enough out of reach that I don't still feel the vibrations of it. I convince myself that I've rid myself of it, but...then it comes back at me in a different form.

...sneaky

Then melancholy slips in, first in a passive way, then wham bam, ty you ma'am I'm in a full fledged pity party, and tempted to listen to B.J. Thomas' song "Hey, won't you play another somebody done somebody wrong, song". Eeeuuuuwwwww, I hate when that happens.

The answer, for me: REPENT! REPENT!! REPENT!!!

It is part of this walk. We are, at times, gonna be judged by others. Forgive them. Because we know how it twists itself on us, if we don't.

Yes! Thank you Mack. This is definitely for me today more than it was 2 weeks ago when you posted it.

I just kept thinking Mack said something that I need to read today so I went searching back and there it was. God is so good.

It's hard to say I did something wrong. Geesh it seems today, no this month, it's all I do is mess up. I feel like such an idiot. I want to give up and stop doing and talking cause everything seems to come out wrong and there I am looking like a real fool and everyone looking at me with a raised brow. I even dropped the can of frosting on sammys birthday cake. I was 2 feet way from that cake! How in the world the can slipped out of my hand and landed right on top of his frosted cake is beyond me but that seems to be the way so much of what I try to do turns out. Everyone laughed but me? I wanted to cry. I messed up and ruined the cake and how could I and I feel like others think I did it on purpose and I never would have, ever!!! No one thinks I did it on purpose but it sure seems like I must have since I was so far from the cake. Beating self up over this and everything. And I want to walk in grace, but I keep thinking they all might think I ruined the cake on purpose! What if they do? I have to fix this. It's not just the cake, it's everything is this way. The more I try to fix it the worse it gets. So yeah like you said then I just wanna go sit in the dirt and eat worms. Cry and fall in the mud and throw a full fledged tantrum cause everything seems to be so difficult right now. With all the stuff I've said lately I get this feelings that make me sick, I shouldn't of said....Did it sound like what I was saying was something I wasn't...are they thinking something...are they walking away...perhaps I should keep all my junk to myself. On and On and On till I'm a bundle of nerves. Bluck!

[Mackenaw]

Hello Pine

God bless you this day.

You said:

It's hard to say I did something wrong.

Hey you...stop being so hard on my friend and sister. You know her...her name is Pine.

Piney, you are not perfect. Big deal. I'm not perfect either, and neither is anyone else that I know, except for Jesus.

Don't you love how The Holy Spirit is showing you the futility in listening to every thought that comes into your mind? Wooooohooooo!!! God is so Good!!! Take every thought captive -- and if it is not from God, boot it out!!!

And if the enemy tempts you by having you think someone doesn't like you, or is unhappy with you, or is judging you, or, or, or -- refuse it, and think about God instead. Besides, don't you get tired of what the enemy has to say?

Pine, it's ok to laugh in the face of the enemy when he comes at you with all that trash talk. What? I'm not perfect? What? Who didn't know that? Good News!!! Almighty God, Creator of the Universe and my Saviour Christ Jesus love me -- this imperfect me is loved by God. Got a problem with that, take it up with Jesus.

God bless and keep you, Piney.
Love,
Mack




[/quote]

[deetu]

The pearl is my spirit, the little girl.

Are you sure?