Christianity Oasis Forum

[Tam]

Do you REALLY know me? Do you just know the me here? Do I REALLY know me? ummm can't so that I do. Sad huh. You see, I hide behind a mask. I can't let you know the real me. If you did, you would not like me. I don't like me . You see, I am driven by selfhate. Selfhate is a root that will not come out. It is embedded there. Turn to God and let Him help me? yeah I try that and am still trying that. Everyone says that He loves me, everyone says that He cares. I don't get that. You see when you grow up in an abusive atmosphere where no one cares about anyone, how can you grasp the fact that Jesus cares. When there is no love, how do you grasp the fact that He loves you?
Yes I can tell you all the right things to do. But it won't work for me. Not in my mind anyway. Everyone says lies, those are just lies. Are they really. You see, when you are raised to believe something then it is not lies to you. It becomes what you know, it becomes the truth. Then everything else people try to tell you sounds to good to be true.
I don't know if you are getting what I am saying here are not. But anyway. Am I living behind a mask or is that really who I am?
Dunno.

[grace2010]

Tam,

I guess I am living behind a mask as well? Then again, who isn't living behind something, anything? I mean, I can't say I was abused in my life. I did experience things that I probably shouldn't have, and so with the sin that I was already born with, and with the seeds that were sown in me a long time ago, I walked with it. It was like a time bomb was planted in me and over time as I did things to feed that seed the time bomb grew with more power until it was detonated. I am left with a huge explosion and misery.

I hear what you are saying, but here is the kicker for me. I go to one thought, I cry over it, I pray over it and let it sit on my heart and mind until it gets really deep inside. God, soverign God sent His son to die for you and me because He knew that we all carry masks and shame and self loathing. I won't deny that I feel those things because of who I am and what I've done, but when I do, I think on that act of pure love.

I have children and can't imagine me loving others so much that I would freely give of my own in that way.

Prayin for you!

In His love...

[xxJILLxx]

Hi tam

Do you REALLY know me? Do you just know the me here? Do I REALLY know me? ummm can't so that I do. Sad

If you dont know who you are, look to HIM. We were created in His image and when we become Christians we have the Spirit of God within us. The same Spirit of GOd that raised Jesus from the dead can raise you. Is your sin too big for God to raise you from? I dont think so. After all Jesus was carrying the sins of the whole WORLD on His shoulders and guess what? The tomb was EMPTY! Do you expect God to do the same for you? If not then u need to ask yourself why do i think that God of this whole universe cannot save me? Did He not create you? HOw much more can He raise you from the dead?

The mask you wear, you are wearing by choice. You cannot break the mask, you have to grow from within and let the Spirit of GOd shatter that mask, and He will if you will give the chance to do so. So ...

We may grow impatient with ourselves when we continue to commit the same sins over and over. This may cause us to get discouraged.

Peter asked Jesus "Lord, how often should i forgive someone who sins against me? ... now u know the rest (at least u should) if not read matthew 18 :21-22.

If this is to be our attitude toward others, doesnt it make sense that we should extend the same grace to ourselves?

Here is the deal, MASK- WALL=EGYPT- MASK is made of steel, WALL is too thick and EGYPT is way too powerful for me to tear down. So it is not as much the MASK for me to tear down but rather grow in the light of the Spirit and the mask will shatter all by itself. Because the Spirit is much stronger than my mask!

Another point of example
There is a black dog and a white dog they are both fighting, which one is going to win?

Answer:
The one I feed, the other dog will die all by itself of starvation.

Which dog are u feeding?

Matthew 8 : 11 Since Christ lives within you, even though your body will die because of sin your spirit has been made alive becasue you have been made right with God. ( whether you realise it or not) The Spirit of God, who raised Jesus from dead, lives in you. And just as He raised Christ from the dead, He will give life to your mortal body (mind included) by the same Spirit living within you.

God bless
♥Jill and Vahn

[mlg]

Tam...I must say I actually understand your words and your feelings towards yourself...as I went through many words of hatred from my own family at one time...words that to this day I still remember...but I have chosen not to let those words become who I am now...as I know that the definition of who I am is given to me from who God is within me.

God makes all things new sis...and when He washes you in His blood...you are a new creation in Him...the old things are passed away...and you become what He creates you to be...but the kicker is you have to allow Him to do so...and yes there in sits the choice...do you choose to accept the past...or do you choose to accept Jesus in the here and now?....

luv ya bunches and bunches

[deetu]

Truth
John 16:13 But when he, the Spirit of truth, comes, he will guide you into all truth. He will not speak on his own; he will speak only what he hears, and he will tell you what is yet to come.

Decision
John 14:16-17 And I will ask the Father, and he will give you another Counselor to be with you forever- the Spirit of truth. The world cannot accept him, because it neither sees him nor knows him. But you know him, for he lives with you and will be in you.

Freedom
Romans 7:6 But now, by dying to what once bound us, we have been released from the law so that we serve in the new way of the Spirit, and not in the old way

You have seen the truth and have lived it.
You have heard God tell you He loves you.
trust... believe...

breakthrough to freedom

[UpSide413]

Hi Tam,
I was exactly at the same place you are. If anyone really knew me they wouldn't like me. And I understand abuse and self-hate. Very hard to overcome. But...... 1 John 4:4 Ye are of God, little children, and have overcome them: because greater is he that is in you, than he that is in the world.
You can and you will overcome. Have you done the 14 stepping stones? That has helped me more than I can say. You have to be open and willing to make some changes. The program will give you the ammunition to do these things. You will not be left to wonder how to accomplish the steps. All is bathed in Gods Word, CO guidance, and of course a little humor....
Hang in there. You're at the right place!!

Love ya
In Christ
UpSide

[Lani]

Hey Sis


Hmmmmmmmmmm where do I begin?

I know only as much as you have shared.... but NO MATTER WHAT, there is NOTHING you could say that would make me not like you... go ahead n try....

Know why? Cuz I don't carry the years of hurt and pain that cause you to self hate. I love ya cuz you are you and God brought our paths together in this awesome dance we call life for a reason. Personally.. I think He thought ya needed a fiery red head in your life to shake things up n get on your nerves

But, Speaking of Self Hate........ oh understood sis. Been there myself. I think at one time or another, we all get or got to that point. Some will admit it, some will deny it entirely but in truth, Only GOD knows. That hate comes because our human mind fights the rooted truth in our hearts and souls.... The one that connects us to Him. The pain is so real and There that it becomes the focus of our every thought... that doesn't mean He isn't there....

Did ya see Sister Act? ya know the movie from the 90's with Whoopi Goldberg? When she is tryin to teach the "meek" nun about singing loud enough for everyone to hear.... Whoopi says
"Imagine I am in the back of the room in a crowded restaurant, people are talking, dishes and silverware are clanking, drinking glasses are bumped into plates... a waiter drops a tray of soiled dishes on their way to be washed, the waitress is askin "Whattal ya have".... now you have to try to sing so I can hear you." well somethin like that... it was a while ago gimme a break

God is the same... His voice is there deep within tryin with All His might to be heard over all the lies and pain and human understanding. Sometimes, you can hear His whispers through the pain... sometimes ya hear the pain.... Can I make ya hear Him? Nope but I can sit with ya and try to figure some of the crud out over tea at 2 in the morning if that is when the spirit moves ya

I have had the honor of watching you GROW in HIM over the past few years sis and what I can say is this

You have grown soooooooooooo much in His grace. The Tam I first met wouldn't even talk about God, wouldn't talk about anything actually. Fine... fine....fine... everything is fine... highest window, tallest tower, widest mote with the biggest alligators ready to snap a toe if ya dared enter the water...

Now, despite the demons you are still forced to face n fight daily as you seek freedom from the pains of your past, you are able to reach beyond that and help another. You offer support and compassion because you understand the pain.

Hardest thing we do, is learn to forgive ourselves. Having heard your entire life that "it" is your fault... especially when "it" is everything... only adds to that challenge.

Sis, I am not gonna sit here and claim to have all the answers.... ain't no one gonna buy that but I can help ya bridge that gap between where ya are and where your heart wants to be


So proud of ya for steppin out and sharing sis

"You go girl"

Peace n Love to ya sis
Lani

[Tam]

Grace I understand the bomb exploding ...thank you for sharing with me.

Yes Jill, guess I am fight the wrong dog huh. Thanks for the scripture and sharing .

Mlg Thanks for understanding.....I want the here and now God...

Deetu sis Thanks for all the scriptures. Have copied them down for later.

Updide, yes I have done the counseling steps. Thanks for the encouragement.

Lani Thanks for being willing to help me birdge the gap of where I am to where my heart wants to be. If I can ever get my head and heart together maybe I can start coming outta this mess huh.

Thank you all for the encouragement that you have given me here Thanks for taking time out to post here. Mayve one day ...I will be where I really desire to be. Until then I will try to continue to make baby steps forwad and none backwards.

[Tam]

Ok yes I am behind the mask. Yes I want to come out.
I am going to begin to allow God to knock the walls down once again and begin to come out. I am tried of hiding me and trying to please other people. I am not doing this for other people but I am doing this for me. No one but ME. I deserve it.
The cutting has gotten so bad that now it has become serious. I am scared. So having gotten scared I finally bolded up and took some steps for me. I called a counselor and we have our firs meeting at 6:00 today.
Gonna have to be very honest with her and with myself. Gotta get to the bottom of all this garbage so that I can once again serve the kingdom like I should. THere are others hurting worse than I am out there and I want to be able to reach them. But , before I can reach them I have got to take some time out and take care of me!
Sorry I am not being selfish here but am doing what it takes for me to be all that God needs and wants me to be.
Block by block I am fixing to break out of this self hate that I am hiding behind. I am reaching up and grabbing the life line that has been placed before me. Right now that is all I can do.
I am so far at the bottom that there is no where to go but up!
SO up! I come ( I hope)
The negative thoughts all belong to the devil. They do not belong to me so I am giving them back to him. I don't want them. I only want good thoughts, thoughts that would be uplifting and true. Not lies!
I am tired of believing the lies and the negative. IT is time for the good to come and take it's place.

[JCsmediator]

*takes tamborine off wall and shakes Praising da Lord yamen*

amen best is yet to comeeeeeeeeeeeeeee...


God bless u tam u will be in me Prayers, Thanks and Praise!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

[deetu]

Yes! You can do it!!

[Tam]

Hello journal, it's me again. Not so good right now tho. I went to work today and everything seemed fine. After lunch ...I just can't take it anymore and come home. What is it? I wish i knew. My thoughts start going haywire on me, I can't concentrate on anything and I am mad at the world! Why I have no idea! This makes no sense to me at all. I scream out Help me Jesus and I am trying to hang on to the fact that He is there helping me. That He will keep me from going places that I don't want to go or I can't go. (cutting/burning) I simply refuse to do that anymore.
Why am I having all these thoughts. My mind was not even there today! How can they come out of the blue from no where? I had praise music going at the office and was singing right along with it.
Just wish I could make some sense of all this and really get past it. Have been diagnosed with Post Traumatic Stress and don't even like it having a title. If I could just get a grip on all this I would be ok. I am slipping fast and I don't see any return right now.
Jesus Please Help me!