mercy 7 journal

[Mercy7]

Hello, just wanted to update you all with some stuff.......Last night was a real hard night for me, I cried til 1 am....Here is what I wrote last night.
As God is delivering me and healing me and setting me free from this addiction I can clearly see deep, deep scars of hurt locked up inside me and no one to talk to about it. I bought a book, the man who wrote butterfly kisses, It is stories about kids and their fathers. I dont have a mother or father, and I know my grandparents love me, grandpa rarely gives me hugs but he does tell me he loves me a lot. Well I read almost the whole book in two hours and I started crying because I desire so much for my mom to comfort me and or for someone like a husband in the future, GOds timing to cradle me in His big, safe arms, that I could just let everything out. and just listen to my hearts cry a human being who will just cry with me and walk with me in this journey. For now I will continue to let Jesus be those figures I so desperately need, as I cry here with so many tears falling and my heart pounding. I praythat Jesus will be my counselor and also provide a human counselor for me whome I can confide in. My hearts desire Is to have a deeper, more intimate relationship with Jesus, not physical but spiritual. He is the only Father I have ever known and He will meber get angry or turn away from me whenever I come to Him whith my cares and burdens, He will just listen and love me with agape love. I know I can fullly trust Him with my problems. with my heart, with my life! I won't get in trouble If I tell Jesus. Yes, I know He sometimes disciplines us, which we need but in a loving and correct way.Grandma bought a book yesterday about porn...I bought a book that I already had the tapes of...both hit the nail right on the head, grandma also thinks i'm hiding things on the computer. what would happen if she askes me if i have ever done it? how would i tell her without directly telling the truth? She want's me to read the book.....frankly I don't want to because I am desperately putting this matter in Gods hands and staying away from anything that could trigger wanting this desire.....I have been clean for many days......God has been convicting my heart every day/night online and at church....grandma asked whats wrong today at church........I just said its that time of month...cause she knows I cry then.....so its not really lying, just really not the reason why I was crying......they were sining Amazing grace, a song that since my mom died, made me cry......I wanted to cry in mom's arms last night, grandma was sitill up at 1 am....so i had to be quiet. Just wished I didnt have this addiction any more so then I dont have any secrets, bad onesl ike this.....well thats about it for now.

[mlg]

mercy...may you feel the loving Presence of Jesus surrounding you with comfort. He understands all that you are dealing with. He knows that you just need to know that you are cared for and loved.

Praying for you sis. again

luv ya

[Whisperingsprings]

Ohhhh, Mercy, I cry with you, honey.

, baby girl.

sincerely,
whisp

[Mercy7]

whispering......you touched my heart, almost had tears......my grandma sometimes calls me baby girl.......I still think of Jesus as my Daddy and I will always be His little girl, just as my mom called me. k i best stop cause im fixing to cry again, anyways my pastor talks to be tonight, he pulled me away by my hood ......he asked how i was and i said not really ok, then he asked me how i was doing with my you know what and i said that God was convicting me then he said that i need to get offline, and that its like a alcoholic that goes tot he liquor store just to look, yeah i know, already convicted and working on it, well see yall later, thank you whispering, love ya my friend

[Whisperingsprings]

anytime, honey.

I understand the internet trouble. Just come on over here or find a safe place to go when you must be online. Truthfully, that's why all of us are here anyway.

whisp

[Mercy7]

thanks whisper and mlg Doing well, No desire for porn or self pleasure, and mainly the self pleasure is a habit, i dont know im doing it sometimes, but i do catch myself and stop as soon as i can, much none of the other stuff thati planned to do:) this is the tenth day whooooohooooooooooo!!!!!!
soon it will be a whole month:) still taking it one day at a time. guess thats its for now.

[mlg]

Amen sis...one day at a time....keep pressing on and reach the goal...keep taking time out each day to spend in the presence of Jesus...this will keep you refreshed and strong.

luv ya

[Mercy7]

Hello, I wanted to update you, It has now been almost 12 days an d I am still set free! Victory in Jesus!!! I struggled this morning but i held back and won the fight....still not going to be easy but will be well worth it, one day at a time is what im still taking it. Im back in school this weak, we are painting another room so doggie slept in my room, he is not allowedo n my bed, so when i woke up this morning, and planned to take him outside he wasnt hooked up to my bed, was loose but he did not get on my bed or get in the trash can, i think he knows that i will tell him he will be in trouble for doing that . I felt so safe with him and slept with the lights off too,so slowly things are changing between grandparents relationship and me, just had to put it in Gods hands. well guess thats all for now, i've gotta get back to doing math yuck just waiting for the tutor to get back from lunch. bye and see yall tonight i hope

[mlg]

Overcoming...that's what you did today with the help of Jesus...so proud of you sis, and I know our Father is as well. Keep it up sis....yippeee!

As for that little doggie...poor poor mercy's pup...can't sleep in bed with mercy

luv ya sis

[Mercy7]

Hey, wanted to update yall
Well you know i have had the enemy seeing my weak spot and he has been trying to destroy me, so far he has NOT succeeded, I have the victory in Jesus and still set free!! It is the end of 14 days, well this morning when i woke up I felt sick like going to throw up, i had a really strong desire to self pleasure, so i felt i coulent hold back, i had my stuffed animal with me so i grabbed in and held on to it so my hands will not do wrong, isnt there a place in the bible that talks about if you left hand does something cut it off it is better to lose your hand than to lose your whole soul in hell? idk just came to me, so finally i had to get up to get ready for school, was sick most of the day and didnt eat much, didnt feel like eating much.....i had some, few bites offood, and some ice cream, and some sprite.....must of easten something that wasnt good, i did take a probiotic this morning but it didnt help. Satan get behind me, I will look forward to Jesus and focus on Him and not look back at ol satan, as i say these words every time i feel lighter and brighter....cause he can see what i write, but he cant know what i think only God can. I have three more weeks of school then i have to control my internet use i decided one hour a day, then one hr a week, until school startes up again, but im gonna need some support when that time comes to just logg off and not go anywhere else but aftter that hr is done to do something else not online, i have so much math and other tests to do im physically exhausted, yes which makes me weak but when we are weak He isstrong, He is our refuge, and our strong tower. guess thats all for now.

[mlg]

Praying for you mercy.

luv ya

[Mercy7]

Hi, I just wanted to update you, wow it has been 17 days and I am still free Praise God!
so much to say but i think im going to leave it for later. if not i will be back to post it later.