Christianity Oasis Forum

[sandrad05]

I began this study 3 days ago. I Really did not have any thing to say for the first two days. But today studying about God's Grace kind of hit a nerve.

For as long as I can remember I have struggled to earn God's approval of me. Which of course like a lot of other people I felt I was never going to reach that place. In my life growing up there was always the words "I love you with But... at the end." There was something I must do to earn that love. Be good, not disappointment, yet what ever is was that i was suppose to do was never enough. The rules changed constantly.

From the time I was a small child until now, there has been so many bad things that has happened, it seems never to let up as soon as I think I have overcame one thing another thing happens.
At most times I can find courage in these things. Because I know I am hated by Satan, He can not kill my Faith. Believe me when I say I have been knocked senseless many times. And at times I have fallen down, broken and wounded thinking I will never survive this.

And the times in the very worst of moments I have known the gentle touch of a loving God. I have been ministered to by him. Heal and revived
I have cried many tears as he held me close to his heart. And i could feel is love and tenderness flow through me. This is part of his Grace is it not.
For I know there were battles I faced because I disobedient what i knew was right. I want what I thought I wanted and ignored the nudging of the Holy Spirit to beware.

Did I deserve such tenderness after the fact? No, but by Grace through the blood of Jesus I was forgiven and loved any way.
It is strange that I remember these moments but i never connected Grace and forgiveness.
Even thought I experienced these moments my mind still screamed at me: JUDGEMENT PASSED , GUILTY.

I think maybe my mind could not except God's Grace and forgiveness because in my own eyes I had failed the one I most wanted approval from. And how could I really believe he was not mad. Because as i said, I have only known warfare in my life. I can not remember a time of peace and feeling safe. Not even now.

But, let me say this,
I have come to terms that I would have ended up committing suicide if not for the Love that I received from God. Those moments with him. By Grace I have continued to look life in the face and everytime I get up I say. " I still here"

When I was younger I never blamed myself for any that was happening in my life. I lie to myself because I did not want to face God knowing I had purposely when my own way.
So i would cry God does not love me. Why, I try to be good. It's not my fault I did not do anything to deserve such harsh punishment.
And one day i was given a word. and this is that word:

Do you not teach your children so that they do not harm themselves?
When your child reaches out to touch a hot stove, do you not grap that child away from it and tell the child HOT! It will hurt the baby. But the child is fascinated by the fire. and again reaches to touch it. And again you warn the child. One day you are not quick enough to reach the child before the child touches the fire. And the child's hand is burned. you hear your child scream in pain.
Do you feel anger at that moment? No, you reach out for your child to comfort it. To see how bad your child is hurt. You hold your child close and comfort the child. You immediately clean the wound and put medicine on the wound and wrap it up so infection does not sat in.
And through tear filled eyes your child says I am sorry, and they truly are, they do wish they never had touch the fire, because they are in pain.
And as the mother you sooth them and acknowledge their pain and sorrow. You have forgiven them their offence for disobeying.
Now, the child will understand what hot means and immediately when you say hot they will jump back because they remember the pain.
Though the child is forgiven, there is still pain that will last after the event.
Was it your fault the child burned it's hand? Did you put the childs hand in the fire? And because the child still feels pain does it mean you did not forgive the child?
and if you can understand this then how is it that you blame me and acuse me of not loving you?
Do I not come to you when you are hurt and comfort you and heal you.
I offer my forgiveness and give you love. Just as you would your own child. You are confused because you still hurt, that you have not been forgiven and I do not love.

Every since then I have had to go back over many things in my life and be honest with my self. The things I did to cause the pain in my life. I have learn to except the time of pain. But I have also learned to learn from my mistakes and try not to do the same over again. My relationship with my Father has grown by leaps and bounds since that time. I no longer look to blame him. And i understand he will be there when I hurt my self.

but, the other side to the coin is the things I have not caused. The death of my father, my sister, her husband, the cancer my mother is facing, the birth defeat of my child. The abuse from my children. The overwhelming responibilities that comes with being the sole provider of my family.
I feel as if I am a mule that grins the on a wheel. Never finding an end just continuing in a circle until I am too old to pull the weight and fall for the last time. I will just be drugged out from the wheel and another mule will replace me. My life will have no lasting meaning. My children may miss me, but soon they too will find another mule to abuse.

God's Grace is sufficant and though I do not feel his Grace at the moment I will defend it.
For in every single event I learned, I was made strong.
I knew his love and his comfort, his compassion, and mercy. He is a good and faithful Father to me. Even when I do not understand why?

it is hard to remain faithful to the words I have spoken, but will stand, and wait to see the hand of God once again Grace my life. it is the waiting and the fighting that causes such down cast in me. And i fear at times this time i want get up. This time God want come through.

I am tired so very tired.

But, I know the day will come when my Father will come and comfort me and he will put me back on my feet and breath life back into my body. and i will rise my head up and i will tell satan again: "I am still here"

[Dora]

Hello Sandra.



I can relate to much of your words. Especially the feeling like a mule and being easily replaced.

I'm certain that God doesn't think that way about us. Could it be just another way the enemy wants to hinder us.

You are so strong. I know you don't feel it, but I do.

Praying for you sis.
God loves you and so do I.

[mlg]

sandra hey sis

God's grace...given to us without Him asking if we deserve it or not...in fact His grace is given out of love...a love called agape...one that loves no matter what...unlimited with no conditions. God is so very different from us in that He truly wipes the slate clean when we repent...as Jesus died to make that possible...through grace.

Looking back over your past sis...lies a testimony...of good things God has done out of the tough things that has happened. Most would see the problems...but in what you shared I see the hope and blessings He has bestowed upon you. Look for that hope and glory for God in all of the past...and the past won't become so gloomy...but will tell a story of hope and love instead...all because He lives for you.

It's good to see you doing the steps again.

luv ya bunches

[momof3]

Hi Sandra,

I too, can relate to your words...we have a free will and use it. Then we blame God for giving us that free will and the way we used it. This is the way of the flesh...and the enemy is relentless in accusing us..

God's grace IS sufficient. Jesus paid a high price to fulfill that Grace for us. When the enemy says its not enough...counter it with God's truth...over and over and over.

Your doing an awesome job, sis. Keep going. You are so not alone.

in Jesus,
love momo