A Response From Real's Testimony.....

[realtmg]

Message: Oh, brother, there is so much that touched me in your testimony. As you are the one who was the addict, I was the one who tried to love the addict, though I have never been into drugs or alcohal, don't get me wrong, I have drank but I was very afraid of becoming addicted like my dad. But for some reason I was always drawn to those abusive and addicted. I have always been sentive to others pain, and for some reason it seemed to call all to me for help. And I always answered. So I guess what I am trying to say is, you have suffered greatly, and it would appear we have faced some of the same wounds, even though my were caused by the addict. It is something suck in my mind right now, how the very pain an addict inflicts seems as a double edge sword? The pain they have inflicted strikes back at them in the same measure that they thrus into their loved ones? I never have seen this before, though in my daddy,s later years he was regretful and you could almost touch his pain. But his pride would never allow him to humble himself, I led my daddy to Jesus and I know at the end Jesus and he were talking alot. Jesus wanted to heal my daddy's pain, show him forgiveness, uncondictional love. But, he had two favorit sayings: " I had a good life and there is not anything I would change!" This statement always hurt me, because anger would rise up, because I would remember where i was while he was having a good time. I loved my daddy, and I wanted so much for him to find peace. In those days I never fought with him when he said things like that. I knew he was battling himself as well as satan reminding him how much fun he had had in is life. So I would give him a kiss and go home. Until he called me to come and talk with him again. I let him led when he want to hear more. Though Jesus, and sharing with my daddy what the word said: I and my daddy built a bond, one that was never there before. It was only there when it came to the Word. All other times we were at each others throats. His other saying was: I did not read that in the Bible when I was young someone must have added that so I don't believe that. Or I only believe in the old testiment! So I would show him a verse in the old testiment that corrisponded to the new testiment. These saying were always a sign that it was time to stop and let him take in what I was saying. I do have a regret and guilt about testifing to my dad.I failed him because I had led him right up to the door to open and bring Jesus home to him. In 1995, he shot himself in front of me. His last words to me before he pulled the trigger was "go to hell, go straight to hell!" His words will never be able to be taken back, I live with them daily. And for a very long time after I lived out his words in the cold, dark, places of my soul. It was hell, a small piece I am sure, but I do not need to know any more about that place than I already do to know I don't want to go there premantly.there is so much more I could say on this subject, for I followed a path where every man I choose had the same pattern as my father, maybe wrapped up just in a different package.When i speak of the dark places I have been in my life, I try never to leave it on that note. Because by the blood of the lamb and my testimony I am an overcomer even unto death.So let me say this: As surely as my daddy died, I dead with him. The difference in our deaths was his body and emotions died. Mine keep reliveing that moment, and dying all over again. I still felt such great pain. At one point as I laid in the middle of my livingroom floor, balled up in a fest state/ I had a vision, I do not know if it was of God, or satan. Because the impact was horrible.I was laying face down on a grave, in a graveyard with a black fence around it. I was standing outside my body in a safe place as I viewed what was happening. I was parazled and could move nothing but my head, side to side and up. I was in great aguish, and pain. As I watched, birds of prey were swamming around me, they began to land on me and dig their tongs in me. They were of many different types and sizes. They would strip flesh from me with their beaks.As i laid there I lifted my head to heaven.and I begged: "Father, please have mercy, save me!""And if you will not save me, kill me, end this suffering, have mercy!"I truly thought he would do one or the other, he loves me. And out of that love he would answer, one way or the other. To my amazement he did nothing! I did not even hear a voice no movement in my spirit to comfort me, to encourage me. There was only the pain, the vision that would not stop playing.I got up and somewhere deep inside my soul. I shut down. I became numb. toward life and toward God. I got up on my own strenght. And so I would walk out this life on my own merit. Anger as never before filled me. Hate for everything except my chldren. But I had even with drew from them my love to a point. I did what I had to do for them.My three youngest children suffered this withdrawal the most.The conseqence are still being seen in there lifes today.God, forgive me.I withdrew from all my christian friends which I only had two, but Lord, they are power balls.I did not want to hear God's word any more. I knew all the verses they were spitting out at me. And they no longer held life in them for me.They continued to write to me. But I would not open their letters. My intentions were to throw them away unopened. but I never had the courage to actually throw them away. there came a day when my oldest son brought his knew little girlfriend over and his bubby. I was sitting in the living room and they at the table: I could hear everything they were saying.The little girl was saying she did not believe in God, there was not God/ Something in side me sprang up wanting to take action. But, I told myself, leave it alone, I really did not care what she said to my son, nor do I care she felt that way. The longer she talked the more my spirit stirred! And before i could stop myself, I jumped up and sat my self down at that table and told the girl. It's your fault I am sitting here and now you will have to listen. My son said: Oh man, now you got her started! My son knew me and lived with me long enough to know what was coming. I know he was very happy that I had stopped "preaching" to him. I talked to that child for a very long time, with each word spoken of my savior, it seem my spirit was waking up, as if awaking from a very long sleep. I led that child to Jesus and Lord, she had reason to be angry and rebellious. The things that was happening in her life were horrible. And I understand why she had so many walls up. She was trying to protect her self and had no faith anyone else would. I stayed that little girl's friend. I held her when she cried, I sheilded her when she was afraid. After that first night, I needed God to tell me he loved me. I needed to know one way or another, He either did or he didn't. This had to be settled. Ezekiel because my bubby, My Father,(God) reached out to me through Ezekiel's words as strange as that may seem. The chapter on sour grapes was the first place the Holy Spirit took me. My daddy's sin's were not mine to bear. but what caught me the most was God says: " Do I want you to live?"that was the answer I was looking for. and as you read. It says; YES, I would have you live!"The very last verse states this: "For I have no pleasure in the death of him that dieth, saith the Lord God: wherefore turn yourselves, and live ye."Ezekiel 33:10-11"If our transgressions and or sins be upon us, and we pine away in them, how whould we then live?Say unto them, "As I live, saith the Lord God, I have no pleasure in the death of the wicked; but that the wicked turn from his way and live; turn ye,from your evil way and live: turn ye, turn ye from your evil ways; for why will ye die... And he throw the qestion back into my court:"Yet ye say, The ways of the Lord is not equal, Hear now... is not my way equal? are not your ways unequal? you can read the rest if you like.But, for me I had to answer honestly to my self. And as i prayed and prayed: I began to see even more. The Holy Spirit led me to the valley of the dryed bones in Ezekil. Now I may be taking this out of context, but this is what I recieve as answer to my state of being.by the way this is my calling from God: Ezekiel 37.I am sure as a christian you have seen the living died. I hope you understand what I mean by that. while in sin this is our state.It is the first death.i see the valley of dried bones as the lost.It is in the valley we must go to fulfill God great command of all of us. To be what we are meant to be and do as we are called to do. We must have an understanding of being lost. For how can we show the lost and wounded the living dead life if we have no knowledge of it?So be of good cheer my brother, we have been allowed to be touched by the workings of satan, but not unto death, the second death. IT is Our walk through the valley of the shallow of death that is what has made us the warrior's for Jesus that we are. Without out the testing we would not be able to be the sharp and deadly sword against satan that we are. Oh, Lord, I am turly sorry for not shutting up! Please forgive me. My oldest daugther tells me all the time:"mom, just the clift notes please!At least you can stop reading this any time you want to. I know i get on people's nerves being so long winded. but truly I can not help my self. I ususally just write to my self. And keep it between God and me. Because, I just don;t know how to give clift notes. not when it comes to My Lord. Sorry.So instead of finishing telling you about the dry bones: You can read for your self. If you want to. I will just say: I was in the valley of dryed bones and Jesus came to me there and brought me back to life. I praise him always for his never ending love. May the God of life continue to breath his life in you.
Your sister in Jesus Christ, Sandra d

May God Bless her Soul...........

Luv Ya Real

[Mackenaw]

Praise God.

Love,
Mack