Christianity Oasis Forum

[Tam]

Yes I am doing the steps for a second time. It seems that there are some issues I need to work on. I have become a person I don't like and doing things that I know better than to do and lashing out when I shouldn't.
What is going on? What is happening to me?
Truth is first time around it wasn't totally honest and real with myself or with you. I only applied the sufrace and that is what I got out of it, a surface fix that didn't last. And the weeds are bigger and deeper than before.
I said things that I though people wanted to hear instead of what really needed to be said.
I am sorry for not being totatlly real with you or with myself.

FAITH- believe in something with all your mind and heart

for me to believe that for you is very easy, but I do not believe it for myself. I deserve to be miserable, I deserve to not be loved, to not be wanted. Everything I got in life I deserved. So I feel that, not sugar coating anything.
I built up a self defense wall and everyone is out to get me but must get past my wall first. Likely not happening! I can put on a happy face and smile for you but the inside is dying and longing for all that God has for me.
The little Tam in me is hurting and you know what.....I have avoided her. I don't like her because she hurts extremely bad. I don't want to face her. I am scared of her. Angry at her is an understatement! She is the reason I feel like I do today. She carried over all this anger and hurt when she should have dealt with it herself. She always tried to be the tough little girl with the smile on her face.
Well you know what?
I am tired of being tough, I am tired of smiling when I don't feel like it
I am tired of sugar coating things to make me seem happy and like I have it all together because truth is I DON"T.
So therefore I am taking this 14 day journey. I am going to pray before every session and I am going to be very honest and open with you all here.
I am not hiding in the shadows anymore.
Commenting is strictly up to you because I am doing this for me and I am hanging on to the promise that God will get me through this and HE will help me be what it is HE wants me to be.
Thanks for reading and hopefully understanding
Tam

[morningrain]

Commenting is strictly up to you because I am doing this for me and I am hanging on to the promise that God will get me through this and HE will help be be what it is HE wants me to be.

Amen

"But the salvation of the righteous is of the LORD: he is their strength in the time of trouble." Ps.37:39

You belong to God Tam, His strength is with you.

[Dora]

Glad to see you here Tam. Brings me comfort.

I hope you continue to post the truth so to reveal and admit what is really going on with in. It not only helps you but it helps me and others.

One step at a time. As our brother says, "easy does it."

Praying for you. May He reveal to you what it is he wants you to hear.

[momof3]

for me to believe that for you is very easy, but I do not believe it for myself.

that always seems to be the hardest part, sis. Its good for everyone else, but we know us. We know the deep dark secrets we keep. So does He, sis. He's known all along. Nothing is hidden from Him, and He loves you anyway. Words are just words until they sink in and penetrate your heart. I pray that today, He will show you that if there had been just you, He would have done the same. This is good. No matter how many times you walk this path, getting to the truth will set you free.

i love you sis..and pray today, you will be enveloped in His love and peace.

in Jesus,
love momo

[mlg]

Tam my precious sister...so absolutely delighted to see you doing the steps again and doing them with honesty. I recently did them for the second time through...and committed myself to being totally open and honest when I did them...and wow...what a difference it made. I wanted to heal...and I wrote everything in my journal that I needed to...in order to heal.

Then I redid the MCFC steps...and I'm continuing my blog there daily to help me stay accountable to reality...and honesty. Cuz I've found out if you bury things and hide them...they will hurt you over and over until you face them.

Tam, time to go seek out that little girl inside...and show her that it's ok to come out behind all those walls you've built around her. She can heal and she can be as beautiful as God made her...but first you've got to set her free...

You've taken the first step...God is proud of you.

Praying for you on this journey.

luv ya

[deetu]

Finally taking that pebble out of your shoe?

[xxJILLxx]

Tammy tam! I am soooo proud of you!!!!!

Keep with it sister i know He is going to take u to a different level with this!

Gbu on yr journey!

♥Jill

[Tam]

Let Go and Let God....seem to hear that a lot. But that is something that is very hard for me to do. I don't know how to let go. Everyone tells you what to do but no one tells you how to do it. Some say just pray and God will take it away. What if you can't let go? What if you are scared to let go? what then?
Pull the weeds, Lets weed-eat your garden. It is so thick in there I don't even know where to begin. If all the weeds are gotten out them who am I. I don't like me now, what will happen then?
You see, my past is my identity. That is all I have ever known. You ask me what I get out of life and the first answer that pops in my head is ABUSE followed by doormat, easy target ect....I think you get the picture.
I don't see any happy times in my past. Everyone always talks about things from their childhood. Everything I try to talk about has a sour ending. Church trips, vacations, parties, everything ends on a bad note. Usually me being abused. Why can't I remember the good stuff. Why can't I allow me to go to the good? I know the answer is all the hurt I have endured has blocked out the good. I know that there has to be some good in there somewhere. I know that little tam had to have fun sometimes. But getting in touch with her is impossible. I have tried to look at pictures of her and she is just another person. I don't know her, I don't remember any good from her. I suppose that is where the problem still is.
I can pull and pull and pull and pull weeds but I don't see an ending in sight. The memories overshadow everything. If they would only go away maybe then I would be ok.
The lesson later talked about purpose. What is my purpose? hmm that is a good question. Cause I want to do what pleases people to make the happy. It is not important what I want. That way I stay out of trouble. No one will hurt me then. So my purpose is to just survive day by day and don't cross over that bridge of getting me involved. Keep you happy and I will be ok. DO what is expected of me and all will be fine.
Yes I do know that God is the only one that we have to please and I try my best to do that because I don't want him mad or angry at me for sure. I need Him and I don't want Him to ever leave me. I know that His word says that He will never leave nor forsake us...but is that really for me? Does He really love me that much? How? I am so used and dirty. How could He even love me? No one else did really. They said that sex was love..so How can God love me? Where do I fit in this picture?
If I could ever get to the point to believe that His word was for me as much as it was for you that would be awesome. Don't know if I ever will but I want to keep trying to anyway.
Oh to just run away from it all and it disappear. Can I Do I really want to keep doing this? This hurts really bad. I am feeling the pain of this and I am scared. But that has been my nature to run away and push it down, ignore it and ir will go away. What a lie we tell ourself! It doesn't go away it just gets to hard to bear and it will literally Kill you.
I refuse to run this time. I have got to get this out somehow!
So I guess I need to hit the thick marsh and try to make some sense and start weeding out and hope no seeds drop to take root even more. I need to try to find little tam and start from there.
So who knows.

[mlg]

Taking a step into the marsh...take Jesus with you as you go...He is great at helping trim the garden and pulling the weeds...and in turn He will leave behind seeds of good...but you have to let Him sis....

Often we hang on to the past because it's all we know...we don't know what will happen if we let it go...because we are so full of fear that the future will be the same as the past...and the problem is...if we believe it to be true then it will be...so it's up to us...as to what we will believe...

Now here is Truth...Jesus loves you very much...He doesn't see you as anything but beautiful and cleansed in His blood...He wants to heal you...and the only way that can happen is for you to ask Him to do so and accept what He offers....you can't push Him away and hide...because then you force Him to the side and He can't work...

How do you let go? Well sis...you do so by making a decision to lay the past down at Jesus feet and leaving it there...but you have to make the choice and you have to do it...and only you can.

My prayers continue for you sis....you can do this...you can finish the race.

luv ya

[deetu]

My sister/mentor told me this and I thought of you immediately. She had a fellowship/meeting at her home. Someone came who normally wouldn't be interested in such a thing but God had a plan for her that night.
Freedom!

This woman was carrying a spirit of fear. She felt the power of God among these people meeting and wanted to feel that freedom. My sister told me what she had this woman do. It seems so simple but so right.

She told this woman to close her eyes and picture her fear cupped in her hands. Then to picture God's alter and place that fear on His alter as a gift to Jesus and leave it there.
Now you cannot take that gift back or you will be stealing from Jesus. And you don't want to steal, especially from Jesus.
Leave it.

As I was typing this, God reminded me to have you ask Him for something in return to fill that empty place that the old left empty so that He can fill it with good. It may be healing or love but it will be filled with Him so the old cannot return.

Any hindrances or weeds can be placed on the alter but know that fear is usually what holds us back from going forward.
Fear will also keep us from forgiving those that are holding us in bondage.

Father, I ask that you help break down the barriers that Tam has erected so that she can start the healing that she so desperately wants.
In Jesus's name I pray.

[vahn]

Hey Tam

Oh , how dark it is right before the dawn , But isn't that what we always do ? . I know for myself , how many "nights" I had spent pacing and fretting about how dark it is , then I would suddenly realize and go duhh ! Of course it is dark , because its night time !! Then I'd spent the rest of the night waiting for dawn . But wouldn't you know it ? I'd be fallen asleep by then and miss it , next thing I know is bright noon .
So I'd go from dark to bright , nothing in between .

I remember when I was newly sober . After the initial "clean-up" , my sponsor kept "pestering" me about change , mainely , at first , about appearance , "cut your hair .. shave your moustache .. get those earrings off your head !!.." on and on .. So one day I got tired of all that and went to a second hand store and looked for the brightest red or hottest pink shirt I could find , putting on the red shirt , went to the meeting it !! "Here ! You want change ? How's this ! huh ?" He's like "There's an empty chair across the hall vahn !"

See, here's the thing , up until that point , he was asking me to get rid of stuff that were with me "all the time" , and I found the hardest time doing so . But by me doing something completely out of the ordinary , the reaction I got from others reflected my mood , and by their reactions I started laughing at my own silliness . I found something to replace my mood . Where as before , I was thinking like you (naturally) , what would happen to me if I got rid of my hair or moustache ... without a replacement it was hard , but by doing something out of the "rut" so to speak , I went hmm !

It gets easier Tam , like the peeling of an onion , "peeling" is the operative word , one layer at a time , the mistake we often make , is we reach for the knife and start chopping away at it , next thing we know is we're in tears . One layer at a time is lot easier to get that onion smaller and smaller and next thing you know its gone ! Besides , its lot less tearful that way too .


In Christ , our Lord
Luv ya

[xxJILLxx]

tammy tam,

a comon misconception about forgiveness or "letting go" is that once you do all the pain and hurt will automatically leave your heart... This is not true. Forgiveness is not an emotion or a feeling, but rather a decision. The decision to forgive is a choice made through your will that serves as the "doorway" to healing. ONce you make the choice to forgive , your emotions will begin to change.

If feelings of anger and bitterness continue to linger even though you have forgiven someone, just continue to say "I have forgiven that person, and I refuse to allow these feelings to rule my life and my attitude." When you do this, these feelings will lose their power as you allow the Holy Spirit to put more of God's love in your heart.

You are a overcomer and you can become free.

Love you much sister!

Gb
♥Jill