Where I'm at ....

[Wonderfilled One]

I have been in recovery now for 4 yrs., as of this coming Feb.2. I was caught acting out in our house, by my wife. I felt as if my whole world was crumbling(as was hers). I started counseling within days, and have been in it (and support groups) ever since. My wife and I separated last July, and she filed for divorce, although we haven't moved past that point. We were married 11yrs. ago this Christmas Eve. Christmas was my wifes most treasured holiday. Now, it is her worst day. She struggles with living in the house where I did all my acting out, but especially from right before Thanksgiving thru Feb. 2nd. I sent her a text tonight that if she wanted me to bring the tree downstairs, or put the wreaths on the outside, to let me know. She replied that she isn't putting anything up! She used to love decorating the tree....and it always looked beautiful. I got the text on the way back to my parents(only Mother is still alive) house, after stoping home to get some things, and before she got home from work. After I got the text, I broke down and cried harder than I have since this all happened...to have destroyed someones favorite time of the year(and what they thought was reality)...I just begged God to help her...why does she have to pay this price??? It should be all on me.
This is the first holiday season since our world fell apart that I haven't been on anti-depressant meds., and so it's been a little harder. She's been in counselling for maybe 2 yrs. now, but this year seems to be worse than last for her. If only I could....."turn back the hands of time".....]Wonderfilled

[mlg]

Wonderfilled....I know that right now you may feel that things are crumbling around you...that your wife hurting is your fault, and you feel that you are to blame. But wonderfilled...God has forgiven you, and He wants you to forgive yourself as well. He doesn't want you to blame yourself, because the true blame goes to the enemy who tempted you.

I know you said you've done a lot of counseling, but I want to suggest you might look into doing the counseling steps here at the Oasis. They are free and they are a 14 day program. They are Christian based, and there is healing in these steps. I believe that some of the things you are still going through are addressed in the steps...and that it might help you to let go of some of this blame and hurt.

Also, I'm not sure if you've heard of the book The Love Dare...but it might be something to check into...I've seen some strained marriages come back together from one of the spouse taking the initiative to do the Love Dare.

Here for you wonderfilled. Praying for you. Just know that God is still on His throne...He is there with you, and He will never leave you nor forsake you.

luv ya