Christianity Oasis Forum

[Dora]

Growing up as an abused child I learned to read my dad.
Every moment watching him to catch a glimpse of the body language that read, "Time to duck and cover."

I rarely turned my back to him. The few times I had to, I cowarded in fear wondering if at any moment he would blow and slam me into the wall, grab me by the neck, or my hair. Would he threaten me with a sharp object or throw me to the floor.

If you lived with an abuser you know the signs that your abuser is going to blow. When their temper starts to flair. The shape of their eye brows change. Fists tighten. Hands go up in the air. They may grab onto an object tightly (you know it might be thrown soon). Any of these signs make you tense up, heart starts racing, adrenaline starts pumping, eyes widen so to not miss the cue, and you look for safety. Ready to run. Ready to duck and cover. Could you sense when you walked into the room he is in one of those moods so you'd turn and leave hoping he wouldn't stop you to question why you left the room so quickly. Which was all it would take to set him off in his rage.

You are walking through a mine field or a mind field. Eyes peeled for any signs a bomb may go off at any moment. 24/7 The only relief was when he wasn't home. Ears trained to pick up the sound of his car tires on the drive way. So to assume a safe position. To hide anything that might offend him. To get the house picked up in perfect order. Taking those last moments to figure out what should you be doing to please him. Though no matter what you did he was never pleased. Anything you were doing was not what he wanted you to be doing.

When one leaves the abusive home, we've been trained to watch for mines. Though we walk in fields of safety we are still looking for mines.

Are you sensitive to anger. Do you take any form of anger, frustration, disappointment as a potential bomb. Is it no wonder we over react to a persons anger, frustration, or disappointment? We're still watching for mines in the field.

Are you close to a person who's lived through abuse. You may see they think you are angry when you don't feel angry. They are super sensitve to anger and frustration. Is it no wonder why? Remember to be patient and understanding as they have been programmed this way. Sometimes they may have relied on cues of anger as life and death. One moment their abuser loving, gentle, and being the dad/husband/mom/wife that they should be, the next second throwing things, hitting, grabbing hair, choking, or threatening with knives, guns, or what ever they could grab quickly to harm them. It was a war they lived through. A war between satan and them, the abuser was the tool used to try to distroy them.

Being connected to the Lord through constant communication and trusting in his guidance as we walk these mind fields that are now found only in our mind is key. Wow is that hard to do. Especially when you are in the midst of seeing signs that maybe things will get a bit uncomfortable. The triggers that say duck and cover are starting to go off.

What have you done or what do you do when you are walking in a safe field and people you know won't hurt you start to get upset over something, the triggers start going off, watch for danger, though you know there is no danger. Am I alone in my thinking or have you been there? Are you there now?

[foreverHis]

thank you Pine, this is where the rubber meets the road.....the reality stuff...the truth.... If you lived with an abuser you know the signs that your abuser is going to blow... all to familar....thank you Pine for bring out into the open the reality of abuse.....

[Tam]

What have you done or what do you do when you are walking in a safe field and people you know won't hurt you start to get upset over something, the triggers start going off, watch for danger, though you know there is no danger. Am I alone in my thinking or have you been there? Are you there now?

Very nicely put...No pine you are not alone in your thinking and yes I have been and am there now. Thanks for sharing this

[foreverHis]

love you girls..and the lord feels your pain ....He is our healer...listen for His small still voice..giving you all directions as to what to do in each of your situations....cause He loves you way more than you could even think.....

[Dora]

While reading the responses to this post I was setting in a darkened room my husband came up beside me and touched me. He didn't mean to frighten me.

He caught me off guard and scared me. I'm still trembling. I had to leave the computer. I had to leave the room. I started getting busy. Heart facing. Eyes wide. Adrenaline pumping. But I now realize I over react to such situations. And I can say to myself calm down everything is fine. The headache starts and my stomach is sick. I'll be watching my back for hours.

I wasn't going to write about this but I realized it happened when it happened so I could share with you where I'm at and one day come back to share with you that I'm healed.

I know there is healing in the Lord. He has healed me of so very much. No more nightmares, flash backs (rarely happen and are not as strong), self-esteem (improving), self-harm and abuse (has stopped),God has stopped the abuse from happening to me, I'm growing in mental strength and confidence. He is God and can heal anything so I trust he will one day heal even this.

Time to renew the mind. To spend some time alone with God and breathe in his peace.

Yes I "clam up". For fear my words may bring about anger in a person. Even disappointment. Disappointment can cause a person to become angry, so I've tried to not disappoint anyone. I am learning other people emotions may seem frightening to me because I over emphesis what I preceive.

Anger, disappointment, excitement: to me all cause me to pull back, clam up, and look for a way out.

I don't have an answer to this yet as I'm still healing in this area. I trust God has allowed me to see this in me so I can heal. So I know healing is coming. Like foreverHis said...
"He is our healer...listen for His small still voice..giving you all directions as to what to do in each of your situations....cause He loves you way more than you could even think..... "

Amen sis. There is no complete healing apart from Christ.

I'm attempting to do what the world would claim impossable. I am going to be completely healed from all the abuse. I can do this through Christ who gives me strength, power, and the revelation. The one who holds me up as I walk the path. The one who lets me rest on his bossom. The one who loves me (and each of you) as his dear child.

Love you all dearly Together with each other and with Christ we shall be healed.

[Tam]

Pine I understand the touching you and scaring you part...my family thinks that it is funny to do that to me. Can't make them understand exactly what that does to a person. When will the flashbacks and the nightmares stop? Do we ever get past the abuse? All the healing..does it ever come?
Just learning to trust God and people but honestly am really scared to let my guard down. Having lived with abuse all my life sadly to say it is my familiar area...a place where I can try to protect me. It has been 5 weeks since the self mutilation but it has been a battle not to especially when the nightmares and flashbacks occur. Anyway thanks for your sharing here. It does offer me some encouragement that maybe one day I will be past all of this and will not have to keep looking over my shoulder.
Love you sis

[Dora]

May I ask what you find helps settle you back down?
Isn't it difficult to heal when you are still living in a mine field?

Love you all!

[Dora]

What have a come up with...

Faith - that my future is in Gods hands. No matter what happens, he'll see me through and use it for the glory of his kingdom.

Hope - that things are going to heal through Christ Jesus.

Love - myself and those around me and even my enemy. Yes even those who hurt me. Most of all to love Jesus with all my heart to the point I'd lay down my life if he asked me to.

Trust - That I am safe.

Prayer - Always, never ceasing.

I am certain those moments will come when something happens and it triggers memories of the past, sending flashes of the abuse. But I know now that this is what is happening. When it happens I can remind myself, it's not happening right now, it's in the past, and so I can disconnect today from yesterday and so not over react. Atleast not as much.

Thank you all for your love and your prayers and for walking with me through this.

If you'd like to continue discussing how things today trigger yesterdays abuse, I'm here to dig deeper into this and maybe figure out more of what is going on and what to do when it does trigger.

GB

[Dora]

Finding someone who understands is a comforting feeling.

It is easier to help someone through their struggle and at the same time it takes us through out own, than it is to post of our struggle and allow others to help us.

I guess we could call it pride or fear or both. Which humans are prone to. He's growing us though. Step by Step by Step. God is good and faithful.