Christianity Oasis Forum

[josinella]

During the past year, God has been slowly and methodically transforming me. I have grown by leaps and bounds through Christ. I never thought this would ever happen to me. He is real in me. And He is using me, too. I didn't realize how lost I was until He made me look. I still have a long way to go.

I have two stumblingblocks: anger & loneliness. I realized that I was angry with God for having brought me into a world to fend for myself. The years of abuse and isolation has scarred me. I was always a very loving, sensitive and caring person that was not a fit at home. As an adult, I saw myself as different, not fitting in, not feeling like I was a part of God's plan. I love my children and I don't want them to ever doubt that. I didn't want anyone to feel the pain I felt inside. This time last year, I had isolated myself to the extent that my kids thought they were going to come home and find me dead. I didn't think that it showed.

I realized that I turned my back on God. He was always there for me. I just refused to let Him in because I was so angry. The men in my life really were a reflection of my past. God has transformed me, I am a different person. I feel His presence around me, I don't feel alone. The wonderful thing is I haven't been depressed for a long while. I still have problems letting people (not God) in. I don't trust! I feel like I have erected a wall that noone but God can penetrate.

God has let me know that He has heard every prayer, wiped away every tear and knows the details of my heart. Rather than tearing down my wall, God has entered my inner space and is revealing the truth about myself through His loving grace. I feel God's presence daily and that He is preparing me to do His will. He has promised to fulfill a blessing that I find hard to believe. It is all, though according to His will. He wants me to continue working on my core issues, i.e. letting people in, witnessing and loving myself. All hard to do.

God led me to this website to continue my growth, and witness to those who need to hear. Accept this post as my invitation into my space to help me to continue to grow in the spirit of the Lord.

[mlg]

josinella,

Welcome to the Oasis. We are so delighted to have you here.

So you have some issues you would like to work on in yourself. My sister I must say God is so very proud of you for wanting to do this. He wants to help us search for our iniquities and to help us grow to be more like Him daily.

The counseling program is a great program, and will definitely help you grow in your relationship with God. I know God has something good planned for you, and it's great to see you stepping out to find what He wants from you.

Again welcome and hope to see you in the chatroom sometime.

Take care and God Bless

[josinella]

Thanks, I really need someone in my corner. It seems as though people are in my life only for a short time, and then, gone. I emailed my testimony to a few people that I go to church with and already they are expecting a public testimony. I am not ready for that yet.

I had started pastoral counseling that went south after some transitions at the church. But God stepped into my life in a big way and has helped me begin a healing process. What most people want is for me to put the past behind me, but God has let me know that this is not His plan for me. He wants me to go through this with Him.

A lot of things that happened in my past, He has revisited with me (things that I didn't remember) to help me understand how I have gotten to be the way that I am. All that I am He has allowed to happen for me to be who He wants me to be to serve His will. I am not angry with that, but relieved to know that I have a purpose in life, His purpose according to His will.

It is those issues that are deeply suppressed in me that He has opened up. Because of the opening, I tend to be moody and a little apprehensive, but I continue to pray and ask God for His presence, since my friends tire of me. He has let me know that there is real love for me through Him and that special person that I had asked for years ago. I just have to wait on Him. I know that I have to learn how to love myself as well. I treat others so much better than I treat myself. I know He wants me to see me for who He sees me as. When I can do this, there will be no apprehension in me giving testimony or praying in public.

I am a counselor by training, but not licensed. I would like to become a spiritual counselor someday. I feel like that may be what God is calling me to do . But I have to work on my own issues. I am just beginning to know myself. I think that is part of the abuse: dying to yourself to live with it. This is not the death that Christ meant for any of us.

[mlg]

You know sis, I think that God sometimes opens up the past so that we can remember what happened, so that when we encounter other souls who are where we have been, we can reach out to them, and show them that there is a way out of their situation. That way being Jesus of course. But in order for someone to be able to reach others, God needs them to be able to understand. This may be why God is bringing some of your past back up. The catch is not to allow your past to be a stumbling block and hurt you. You can reflect on the past as memories that are scarred over, but if you are letting them become open wounds again, then this is not what God wants.

I know it's also difficult when it feels like your friends don't have time for you etc. Just know that God will never leave you nor forsake you. God wants us to lean on him always.

Take care and God Bless

[josinella]

God has already revealed the path that He wants me to walk in. God is about abundance and He has brought me in the path of someone who can reach many. We both have this capacity and we are both in need of His special love. I have never met someone that I can say is the one God has prepared for me until now. However, our being together is second to serving His will. His will, serving the many, comes first. I just don't think that I am ready.

I feel I need to work more on my core issues before I can witness the way God wants. He assures me that He will guide me in what to say and that He will continue to strengthen and guide me in my journey with Him. I guess my wall is thicker than I thought.

The memories that God brings to surface are things that I didn't remember but were turning points in my life that led me away from Him and others. They are the kind of remembrances that make me reconsider who I am and allow me to be confirmed as a person, as a fellow saint, as someone who can be loved. He has reaffirmed my status as a woman and not a slave to this world. HE validates me yet shakes the faulty belief system I have had for myself (for so many years). I can see where Satan has had his grips on me.

It takes time to break old habits & belief systems. I just need time for it all to sink in. I'm not depressed, just need time to walk with Him for contemplation and renewal.

My daily Bible study really helps and the church that God has brought me to, it is like there are saints there that can discern my spiritual condition and comfort me. They are very encouraged by my spiritual growth and want others to hear my testimony.

I think that my biggest hurdle is learning to love myself. This is the place where the Lord has placed His chisel. He loves me and He knows that I love Him. He wants me to love myself. He keeps chipping away at my faulty belief system to get me to recomtemplate and grow. Needless to say, I had a near sleepless night last night. The spiritual battleground was very active.

[mlg]

Oh sis, the enemy will do all he can to keep us tied up in spiritual warfare. Just lean on the Lord when the battle gets tough, as He will send His angels to help.

It's good that you have friends and brothers and sisters in Christ who are willing to encourage your growth with the Lord. See God wants us to grow so much that we become more and more like Him. That we do love ourself in the way that He loves us. That His love shows through us, and others can feel His touch.

Your doing great with the steps sis. Keep growing and seeking.

Take care and God Bless

[josinella]

Heavenly Father, I want to thank you for opening up my heart and mind and allowing me to receive your loving kindness. Through your wisdom You have allowed me to see me for who I really am and not what the enemy wants me to believe. I have always asked, "Why did I have to go through this Lord? Oh, why?" But as your Grace and Wisdom dictates, Father God, you have a purpose for my life and you were only preparing me.

As You knew the better man for leadership over Israel, You chose Joshua over Caleb because you knew the inner workings of each man's soul. When it the battle was all over, Joshua was once again ready to serve you Lord. Caleb, although faithful, asked only of his portion of the convenant inheritance.

You made me different Lord, and I thank you so much for that. Instead of growing up and becoming an abuser, as I promised you, if You blessed me with children, Father God, I would give them back. All my children have come to know you Father God. In growing up, I tried to be a perfect child for my mother, to make a difference in her life, to let her know that I loved her. I could have been a different child. I prayed for her but being a child I didn't understand the strong hold that satan can have on a person's soul and I allowed him to steal my joy.

I want to ask for forgiveness in turning my back on you out of anger from the past and missing the many chances to be a witness for You, Lord. I ask for your continued guidance, support and love as I continue to find myself and grow to love myself as You love me, Lord. I know that Your continued Grace and Protection is Your will for me as You have a purpose for me in this life. Strengthen me Father as you prepare me to go Your way, Father God. Keep me in the path of Your light, in the presence of Your Spirit I pray to You in the name of Your Son Jesus Christ, Amen![/i][/b]

[josinella]

Why do I feel so invisible to people and not to You? No matter what I do, I feel invisible, always two steps away from affection. Why can't I connect with people? I always have to be alone and I hate this. The only way I can live with these feelings is to just die to them. But that is not what Christ wants me to do now and it is why I get angry and depressed at times.

Why do I think I could connect with any one when I never really have? People closest to me only see what I need to do temporally (live like the Jones') not what I should be doing spiritually. I feel really conflicted and why am I doing this, anyway? I'm tired of people telling me I want things too fast especially when God keeps telling urging me that things will change. I'm talking to myself. I should have just kept this between God and I.

Maybe my needs are too great for people. But I see others enjoying each other. Why can't I be a part of that existence? I don't think what I want is that much. To be told " I love you" every once and a while and get a hug isn't a great task. I guess I'm not worthy and I know that this comes from satan (and an early life of abuse) but I don't feel like fighting him today. I poured my heart out in prayer earlier and no one felt that it meant enough to respond to. This is painful for me. I have never prayed publically. I feel humiliated

[mlg]

josinella, I'm sorry noone responded to your post earlier. I was away from my computer all day, but I want you to know that I read your posts as soon as I was able. My sister I want you to know that you are noticed, and even if man does not notice you, God does. You don't need man's approval sis, only God's. Pray to God and you won't care if noone else notices. My sister, so many times I do things for others, that noone knows about, or if they notice they never say they do. But you know I know that God sees all that I do, and that He will bless me.

Josinella, please don't feel humiliated because noone responded sooner. Don't let the enemy lie to you sis, and make you believe noone cares about you. I do care sis, and I will always answer...and I mean always....Sometimes I am away, but as soon as I return...you can be assured that I will read your posts and reply.

I know you poured your heart out to God. It was good for you to do this. For you to tell God what is on your mind. This is all part of growing with God. God needs you to talk to Him, so He can talk back to you. Keep sharing with Him.

Sis I luv you and so does Jesus. Please know how special you really are.

Take care and God Bless

[josinella]

Every once in a while I need intimacy and encouragement. NOT all the time, but just on occasion. I feel like someone that has to pay for a hug. I see people all the time hugging, kissing, being intimate. I have been deprived that all my life, from a childhood of hell, right into adulthood. I could have been an abusive parent, but I wasnt'. I have tried to raise my kids right with God. I fight the enemy all the time, it would be so easy to walk with satan given the way I feel sometimes. But I don't, I want to believe that God has provided me with the right person to share the good and the bad with.

I want to be able to know what it is like to share love & be intimate with another. I want to be able to release those feelings to nurture and to be nurtured. I have never had this chance and it was a belief that I would attain this that got me through a bad childhood. What I am beginning to see that believing and being good means nothing for me. It is like I am being skipped over. I'm tired of watching others enjoy each other in a way that I may never get to.

[mlg]

josinella, why do you seek so much from people? Yet so little from God? You know sometimes josinella, God takes people from us, so we can become more intimate with Him. It's not that He is punishing us...because being intimate with God is not punishment. It's just that otherwise if He encircles us with lots of people, we may become dependant on the people and push God to the background. Be thankful that you have your relationship with God. In reality, if you are happy with God, then you will have joy no matter what. Work on your relationship with God first josinella. God needs to be first in your life no matter what. Put away the wants of the flesh...and feed the wants of the Spiritual body.

I continue to pray for you.

luv ya sis

[Dora]

josinella,
I'm glad you are posting and getting out the feelings you hold inside. Even if people don't post. They are praying for you. Your sharing helps them to know better how to pray for you. Many were gone yesterday because of it being a Holiday. Some don't post because of lack of time or words. Some because they are afraid they'll say the wrong thing. I've not been in the counseling forum much lately due to issues in my own life feeling overwhelming. I do watch to see who posts and lift them to the Lord. This morning he lead me here.
I am also having server issues where I can type something out and it doesn't post. Dumb computer!
I to could of been an abusive parent. I faught the demons my parents faught and I won. Through prayer, through the power of Christ and the grace of God.
I praise God you won this battle as well. Another child saved from the abuse we went through. That's worth shouting about. Through Christ you broke chains that bound your family. The chains of abuse. You are strong. You are brave. Praise God for working this out in you.
The good you do will not go unnoticed by God. He has his eye on you. He has seen your struggle and your victories. He's with you carring you through those tuff time and very pleased to see your victories.
Continue to fight the good fight sister.


Galatians 6:7
Be not deceived; God is not mocked: for whatsoever a man soweth, that shall he also reap.

God bless you.
Don't stop posting. We are here. Just many are quiet at this time. Do not take it personally. I am certain it is because of our own lives and issues getting in the way.