Christianity Oasis Forum

[Zane]

My wife and I seem to be drifting apart. Sense the last of or kids were born she lost all interest in sex. She has always joked about her bubble, which is no joke to me. I dont remember the last time she hugged me, kissed me or told me she loved me. She can get really grumpy and acts annoyed if Iwant to talk to her for a minute. She seems to be way more concerned with other peoples lives , some of which she doesn't even no on facebook than she is of us. What really hurts is in Church when the kids leave for childrens church I will move over to be next to her and she moves away from me. I have my faults for sure, she says I can be or seem controling, I really dont mean to be, and I know I have pointed out things that she was doing or saying that I didnt think were right, I should have showed her were the Bible and God says they are not good. And at the same time Ihad sin that needed dealt with. After our last child was born 5 years ago,and she shut off from me and seemed to be giving our kids all her love,I turned to something that wouldn't reject me and always had time for me, porn. It lasted up until 3 months ago when one night I felt the Holy Spirit telling me that I didnt need to do this to Jesus or my wife anymore. Iasked Jesus to come take over my life and to help me turn from all the sin in my life and I put all my trust and faith in him that night. I havent thought or looked at that garbage sense. I told my wife about it while we at a Family Life Weekend to Remember. I Probably should have waited a couple days but Ijust wanted to get it off my chest. She was sad and upset for good reason. I dont know that she will ever forgive me as she has never told me that she forgave me for anything. I crave the friendship, love, laughter and intimacy we had early in our marriage. We really need counseling if I could get her to go. She does have VERY stressful and demanding job as a Special Education teacher so thats why I am holding off any serious talks about what I am feeling. It has been around 5 years sense we had sex we have tried a few times but when she finally agree she would say "lets get this over with" so that would put me out of the mood and make me feel very unloved. I've heard all the excuses and the last time I asked to make love she got to add the "it doesnt sound like fun after finding out you have been watching porn" which is fair I guess, but the only reason I ever turned to it to begin with was because of the loneliness and lack of companionship I lost when she stopped wanting me. It was really wrong to do to her and I will always regret the hurt it must have caused in her. I believe she is a Christian, she said she gave her heart to the Lord at a Weekend to Remember we went to 3 years ago, so I pray every day that the Lord will help her to change her heart and the way she thinks and I ask him to make me a better husband. I would love any thoughts or advise, all prayers for sure.

[Mackenaw]

Hello Zane,

God bless you this day and welcome to Christianity Oasis.

I'm sorry your marriage is experiencing such division, but please know it is not uncommon, and with God, love, patience, growth and prayer, there is still hope of restoration.

Many women find being a wife and mother, combined with career, and the overwhelming sense of responsibility associated with each of those life rolls -- not to mention the worry and exhaustion associated with everything -- overshadows peace, joy and the closeness and intimacy between them and their spouses. Unfortunately, when and if their spouse brings up the subject, the wife can feel judged.

My suggestion, keep her in prayer, be patient and supportive and continue to love and cherish her.

Now would also be a great time for you to grow in your relationship with The Lord. There are lots of blessed studies on this site. I can attest to the fact that these studies helped both my husband and I grow in our relationship with God, and with one another. All of the studies on this site lean heavily on the Word of God with is recorded in the scriptures by inspiration of The Holy Spirit.

I would begin with the 14 Day Counseling Study called COOL Confidential Christian Counseling (or CCCC) Study. Here is the link: https://www.christianityoasis.com/cccc/forum.htm

Prayers are rising to our Lord in the name of Jesus on your behalf. God's will be done.

God bless and keep you,
(Sister) Mack

[mlg]

Hi Zane,

God Bless you, your wife and your family. My prayers are rising for your situation. I just hope that you will continue to fight for your marriage. Maybe try taking your wife somewhere, just the two of you and having fun together. Sometimes the hustle and bustle of lie can take over, and steal the joy away from us that we once had. It sounds like you and your wife may be experiencing this now. Hang in there...and know God is for you and He can make your marriage strong again.

I wanted to share a song with you. It's called Broken Together

[dema]

I have heard of cases where pure appreciation has healed marriages. Also, have you heard of The Love Dare? You can get it on Amazon, I just looked.

I know I recommended this to a man on this site some years ago in a situation very like yours. He logged back on one last time to tell me it had worked, his wife was doing it also, but like in the movie "Fireproof" she wanted him off the internet. But he wanted to thank me first.

How much do you want to repair your marriage? Are you willing to work without expecting rewards? The rewards will hopefully come, but it may take quite a while. In the movie, the man just kept going after the 40 days of the book were up. On day 43 his wife came around.

If you aren't ready for that sort of self-sacrifice - try appreciation. Compliment what she does. Compliment how she spends time with the children, her job - you told us that you appreciate it, have you told her? How recently? Leave the negatives alone. If you've let her know something bothers you twice, then time to adjust your own attitude. Most things don't really matter. Most things you live with anyway because she probably doesn't change. So live with them happy or live with them angry - your choice. That's true of everybody in a relationship everywhere.

How much appreciation? Lots. But only if you mean it. Do you like her dress? Does her hair look good? Do you like the food she made? Oh - and that's another thing. Do you spend as much time on the family combined with work as she does? Many husbands do anymore. Many do not. If she's exhausted and bathing the kids and you are watching TV, well, that's definitely a potential problem.

I'm not saying this is your fault - fault is a bad word in a situation like this. But you ultimately have no control over her. But you do have control over you. And of course pray for guidance in all this. Pray that God open your eyes and lets you see.

Best wishes.

[notforgotten]

God bless you Zane. I can understand your frustration. If my wife completely withdrew her affection, I would go a bit batty. We haven't had sex in a year. Partly do to an ovarian cyst she has yet to get removed. I don't mind. Sex to me is carnal anyways. What I crave for mostly is the petting and cuddling. I'm sorry to hear that she hasn't told you that she loves you in awhile. We can never hear too much of that. My wife and I say that nearly on a daily basis. Perhaps you should bring it up to your wife. And think about what truly means something to you and have a talk with her about it also. It couldn't hurt.

May all be well with you and yours.

Scott

[Christianity Oasis]

After reading the responses given to this hurting soul ... Makes me proud to work with those who reached out.

Keep up the excellent work for the Lord.

Luv all of you