Christianity Oasis Forum

[HickoryNut]

This is day 1 journal entry for me. I had to choose a topic for my counseling.

Back in 1971 my brothers wife set off a chain of events targeting my mother and trying to break the relationship she had with her son. I was 17 and lived alone with her; she was a widow. By the end of two months of torment her weak heart gave out and she had an attack and died. I then had to go and live with this couple, and those years were nothing short of child abuse. In her efforts to break him from his family, she pointed a finger at me, saying I wasn't taking care of my mother. So my brothers blamed me for her attack. For various reasons, I kept silent and did not tell my brother of her betrayal. 35 years later I land in counseling for Post Traumatic Stress Disorder over this. I went for a year and it did help stop the crying jags and bursts of anger I would have.

I know in my mind that I am to forgive her, but I find that insurmountable. When I try to think of forgiving, the rage comes back. I think how she is still that mean person who would hurt anyone for the simplest of self-serving reasons. I can't see forgiving her, the pain and rage is so deep that I actually desire to see her stand before God with my mothers blood on her hands. I know thats wrong, but its what I end up feeling.

[dema]

Forgiving frees you. Forgiving is giving to God what was God's all along. It is relinquishing your right to punish her - but you never had the right to punish her anyway.

Forgiveness is letting go and letting God.

It is terrible what that woman did. I am so sorry you had to go through that. And I am so sorry you lost your mother due to her distress.

Don't let that awful woman keep you bound up in hate and anger. Let it go. Yes, you had every right to be mad. You had every right to be heartbroken - but so many years later it is time to let it go. God will judge whether or not you are still angry. Let God have it.

[HickoryNut]

Thank you

[HickoryNut]

Day 2 of the Journal.

I want to forgive her because its the right thing to do. I know this forgiveness has to come from God/Jesus/The Holy Spirit because I don't have it in me. One stumbling block is that I feel I am betraying my mother by forgiving this woman.

[dema]

Holding on hurts you. It doesn't hurt your aunt. Only hurts you. Your mother wouldn't want that. Forgiveness doesn't have to mean hugs and kisses. It means freedom for you.

[HickoryNut]

I have done day 2 and should go one to day 3, but feel I need more time to absorb the lessons in day 2.

I recall the passage that vengeance is Mine, and not for me to act on. So forgiveness includes giving up on making things right, but to let God handle her.

I think I have to understand forgiveness more. It doesn't mean I approve of my brothers wife, or that I now say its ok what you did, and are still doing. I can't actually forgive her in person, because she doesn't know that I know all she did, so I don't feel I can go to her and say "I forgive you for taking my mothers life". Perhaps it isn't what needs to be done. This is between God and me, and what she did is between God and her, maybe just achieving that understanding is what the forgiveness is.

My garden is full of weeds. When ever I think of the past I become hurt and enraged, that leaves me feeling trapped. I never told of what I knew and often wanted to go to my brother with this news. I have even written long letters to him which I never sent.

I also found out a few years ago that I was bi-polar. I also had Post Traumatic Stress DIsorders from this experience. I am now on a minimal dose of medication and that has done wonders. (God heals - with doctors, without doctors and inspite of doctors).

Counseling has done me well also, I used to have crying jags that lasted days and days. She used EMRD therapy on me and I have come a long way. But I am inclined to think it is not the EMRD that helped me. When you use EMRD, you have to be deep into your pain, and I think what did me more good was the fact that I was finally able to tell the whole story and cry, cry hard. I think the healing came more from Jesus and release of the pain.

I am now thinking that while I think of my mother, the flood of pain and anger may come from Satan - weeds. I would not betray my mother by forgiving my sister-in-law. I even long to remember my mother with joy, not tears.

To this end, I will plant six flowers in the garden to replace weeds:

Six Things About My Mother that make me Smile:

1 - She taught a friends mother how to sew so she could afford clothes for her kids. She made ours so we had nice things to wear.
2 - She was a single mother to three and managed to progress in a career that made her happy, and provided for us.
3 - She was a good photographer and filled us with pictures of our childhood to look back on.
4 - She loved us children to no end and always stood behind us right or wrong.
5 - Even though she separated from my (alcoholic) father, she continued to love him and had no interest in anyone else, nor would she ever bad mouth him to us kids.
6 - she was so nice to our friends they considered her "mom".

So maybe I am ready to go to Day Three of the program - I will let this sink in and do it later today.

[HickoryNut]

Journal Entry for Day 3

This is a lot to sink in. Strange that you can think of Jesus forgiving your loved one and taking them to heaven, but have more difficulty putting yourself in that scenario.

I also read the section of lost loved ones. That was very helpful.

The thought that God saved your loved one from tribulation by taking them when He did, is a consoling thought. Maybe I have to stop pointing the finger at my sister-in-law and consider that it was Gods will that it should end the way it did. That's a hard one to wrap my brain around, letting go of the blame, but I can believe that she is at peace from all the torment and loss she was going through.

In all honesty I don't like the thought right now, but its in my head that I have to stop blaming her, that would be an act of forgiveness.

[dema]

God bless you in your journey.

[HickoryNut]

Day 4 of Journal

I am supposed to write everyday, but I have nothing to really discuss today.

This step talks of forgiveness and then goes on to the next step as if that can be accomplished with a 15 minute lecture. There is too much to absorb.

I understand forgiveness, and you will be measured by your own standard of forgiveness, and I do desire to reach the point of forgiveness.

I ran into a brick wall when it said you have to tell that person you forgive them. That gets way too complicated. First, this person doesn't know I know what she did. Bringing that up after 45 years would open a real can of worms. My family is estranged (thanks to her efforts). We live in the same area and have gone years at a time without contact. It will be next to impossible to talk to her in private. If my brother were to get wind of it, it would destroy him, and probably their marriage. I am not prepared for the consequences of confronting her, or convinced its the way to go about it. Though my brother has much to be forgiven for too, I can't take away everything that is his by exposing his wife to him.

Then they go on to say if this person denies wrongdoing, I am to confront her with a witness. Well there were no other witnesses.

She didn't accomplish this alone either, she conspired with another, so what do I do about the other person. She is hundreds of miles away for starters, I haven't seen her in 40 years except for once years ago.

I will go to step 5 in the hopes that it helps, but I feel overwhelmed by step 4 in my particular situation.

[dema]

I don't think you need to tell the person. Particularly if they don't know what you know. This is rather like AA and not using the steps to make someone miserable. Context is important.

[HickoryNut]

Thank you dema, I appreciate your counsel.

I used to read a mans works, he was Hugh Prather. He wrote a book called The Quiet Answer where he pointed out that the right answer brings calm and peace, the wrong one brings a large amount of noise (questions, what ifs, what to do about it, etc).

This conflict sure brought a lot of noise!

I will continue to seek the right form of forgiveness.

This course is a good one!

[HickoryNut]

Todays lesson dug deeper into my issues, and I need to take some field trips. Especially the one on forgiveness since that is my target in this counseling path.

I was broken by all that happened to me at such a young age, but I do see Satan in keeping me broken all those years, and can place blame on him for that. And myself for not stepping out of it, but I am forgiven for that reaction, by both Jesus and myself.

I can even see that this woman was also a victim of Satan, being used for such purposes.

That's all for tonight...