Christianity Oasis Forum

[HisOwn]

I am older. Not ancient but in my mid 60s. My husband is ill, chronic, and some days it is so hard. I get so tired, Drained. Weary. But yet at the same time God enables me to keep putting one foot in front of the other and going about enjoying moments and serving him.
But lately, at times. I just have moments where I am so drained and weary and feel so all alone. Which is a lie, I am not alone at all.
When I was younger, I was an intercessor at my church and whenever a child or spouse was gravely ill, God called me to pray for the care taker. Maybe that was seed for me now.
It is hard to be ill and it is hard to be a caretaker.Especially when you are older and have aches and pains too.
And yet GOD is always with us and aware, the trick is remembering to lean on Him.

[Mackenaw]

Hello HisOwn (((hugs)))

God bless you this day.

Your post really blessed me. Thank you. Thank You Holy Spirit.

Amen! God is always with us. Hallelujah!!! Thank You Jesus!!!

HisOwn, I'm sending up prayers for you, dear sister in Christ. God's blessed and perfect will be done.

God bless and keep you.
Love,
Sister Mack

[HisOwn]

thank you Sister Mack.
It is the strangest thing...I can think/feel so down and yet at the same time, its like there is a reservoir from which even during those times can spring forth something to help another. I cant figure out if I am really sad, or if the sad I have is normal for the situation of life, or if in fact I am not even sad but the devil wants me to feel like I am. Not sure if that even makes sense. There is a huge tenderness that I am less accustomed to present all the time. Maybe I confuse it with sad. All i know if I feel very fragile.

[clark thompson]

Going to him always makes things easier.

[HisOwn]

I think i may write here off and on for a time. If i write on my journal at home, it could be read..i have been so sad, i did not know why i was feeling so sad...my friend in town asked me and i answered her but that is not really it...there are sad things, almost daily...there is a not knowing not being able to plan and at the same not being able to not plan.. like i am off free for 5 days and at this time of year we used to go to the mountains...so i thought, oh we could go to the mountains for a few days, i think I feel ok enough to have energy to drive... but then i remembered, no we cant... we cant because oxygen has to be arranged at leads 2 weeks ahead... then i saw a pix of fall and someone i know lives where it is fall and i realized...oh i can't, we cant... the past few days he has been worse breathing than normal and so has stayed asleep later. He normally loves to go out to eat, much more than i do actually, but he has not felt good enough to get up in time to do that... so most of my waking time I am alone, even though he is here in the house..sleeping..so in a way sad is normal and i think i need to grieve the loss of how it was and embrace how it is now... really life is not bad for me...i had a good day..its just sometimes the sad just like rolls over me all of a sudden like.

[HisOwn]

I realized the sad I have is just normal for the situation. It does NOT mean I am not trusting God, because i AM trusting God. In fact I am trusting God when I do admit the sad. God is GLAD to be with me, with us any time, all times...no matter how we are feeling.
Today is a good day for me. Last night our AC broke but now a man came and repaired it. Where I live and with his COPD AC is very important.
I got to go to a mentors meeting and yes, God allows me the honor of mentoring others even tho sometimes I feel so unworthy. It was nice to be with those friends and something I look forward to weekly. Tonight is our home bible study. AS it turns out, he does not feel like going. We were meeting some ladies for supper prior but he feels like sleeping so I am going by myself with my friends to dinner and after dinner I will know, via GOD if I want to come home or go to bible study alone. This is a group we have known for years, one couple I have know since I was a baby Christian in the 80s.
The hard part is I am torn with wanting to go out and wanting to be a recluse and hide or be here for Husband. but he will probably sleep and is perfectly able if he wakes up to be home alone for a few hours.
It is hard and it is a sad season but the JOY is bigger and more frequent that the sad. I wrote this morning too. I think I will post it: Look THROUGH the problem,
Look PAST the problem,
Look UNDER the problem,
Look OVER the problem,
We can even look from WITHIN the depths of the problem.
How?
By CHOOSING to set our heart, our mind like FLINT upon The TRUTH.
God is LOVE.
God has PROMISED NEVER EVER to forsake us.
He is WITH us in the STORMS.
He is FOR us in the storms.
He CARES about us.
When necessary he will CARRY us.
At other times he gives us HIS STRENGTH.
Whatever HE does we can KNOW,
HE is EMMANUEL in EVERY season and moment of LIFE.
GOD WITH US.

It is the Lord who goes before you. He will be with you; he will not leave you or forsake you. Do not fear or be dismayed. Dt 31:8
The eternal God is your refuge, and underneath are the everlasting arms. DT 33:27
Even to your old age and gray hairs I am he, I am he who will sustain you. I have made you and I will carry you; I will sustain you and I will rescue you. Isa 46:4
Shout for joy, you heavens; rejoice, you earth; burst into song, you mountains! For the LORD comforts his people and will have compassion on his afflicted ones. Isa 49:13
Peace I leave with you; my peace I give you. I do not give to you as the world gives. Do not let your hearts be troubled and do not be afraid John 14:27

[HisOwn]

Today I awoke with a song.. The LORD is good to me and so I thank the LORD for giving me the things i NEED the sun and the rain and the appleseed. So I looked it up its from Johnny Appleseed by Disney.
God is GOOD to me and I DO have the things I need.
Last night, I did go to the home prayer group. A lady who is a bit older than me, came and sat beside me before we started and I said something like, its just so hard and teared up and all she did was pat my arm and said, "I know it is very hard". And I know she DOES know because she lost 2 husbands. And somehow that was gift that GOD sent me in that moment. Thank you God for being the LORD of ALL.

[HisOwn]

Its been over a week since I posted. The days run together. At times I am weary or down but most of the time as long as I remain present in "this moment" I am ok. No not ok, I am at peace as long as I stay connected to Jesus.

[HisOwn]

Moments by themselves are more good than hard. But almost every day, taken as a whole is so hard. Today, its almost 4pm. It is raining. I have my own chronic pain from arithitus in a knee, hip and shoulder, so housework or any major projects are so hard physically. I am ok with that.
But here I sit. I am not babysitting today, so home most of the day.
Did run errands but it is storming and I had to cut them short. May go out again. I edited a bible study I will deliver tomorrow, its a good one on obeidence. I cleaned the kitchen, a daily thing.
I wish things were different.
I wish more than anything that I was different. More kind. More compassionate. More loving than I am.
Sorrow... welling up but never out... needing to be given to the Lord but stuck and stuffed and stifled down. Loss, grief, sorrow welling up but never out. Daily reminders of choices made, by self and others.
And Yet the Lord did speak this morning. And this is what he said and I know it is true. But I am not there right now. Beloved,
I am near to the brokenhearted.
I hear the silent cries.
I see the unshed tears.
Be comforted in/by My love.

Remember this Precious Child,
No sorrow is wasted.
I am He Who Redeems,
Who Restorers,
Who causes the sorrow to joy exchange.

I am He Who Sees,
Who Knows,
Who Loves,
Who Cares and
Who Walks Beside.

Come to Me.
Anytime.
All the time.
From within any time.

You will find rest for your heart.
Zep 3:17

[HisOwn]

Maybe the redemption it speaks of is a future one.

[HisOwn]

almost a month...

[HisOwn]

Tomorrow my son and his family go to disney. I was invited but felt i could not go and leave husband since he wanted to go but health wise really cant. I am feeling sad and lonely, so plan to go spend time with Abba later by walking on the pier. at the beach.