Christianity Oasis Forum

[misha81]

Hello,
I have been with my husband for 11 years. We are in a very rough patch where either one of us is about leave.

I need help are someone to talk too. I do not want to leave him but it is getting difficult to stay.

For the past 4 years he has been on me about being unhappy or cheating on him. I was not unhappy until he started telling me all the time that I was. Than he thinking that every person who happens to male is my boyfriend and I am cheating on him. I have never cheated on him and get every angry when being accused on a daily basis. He cheated on me 9 years ago so if anyone should be paranoia it would be me. i forgave him years ago and no longer am upset at what he has done to me.

On top of that he had to go into treatment because he was drinking too much and gambling. His problem effected the whole family. He realized it on his own and went into treatment on his own. He only stayed sober for 1 year. He first started hiding the alcohol, than started saying he can drink without it getting out of hand.

I have gone to his treatment place, and they told me that he is going to do what he is going to do. My nagging or helicoptering will only make things worst. I am very hurt that he went back to drink but thought maybe he could drink reasonably. Beside he told me he drank so much was how he dealt with my son heart transplant at the age of 1 1/2 years.

We were not in a stressed situation when he started again so I thought maybe he could do it. He slowly went from once in awhile to every weekend to daily. He drinks 1 - 3 tall can of alcohol a day or liquor of some kind. When I try to mention that I am a little concerned about his drinking than I am the one who gets yelled at or told that it is me with the problem. I am concerned about his drinking and how it is effecting the family.

He has changed in the past 3 years into someone that is angry, irritable, upset-able, and grumpy. I mentioned counseling but he told that if I think we need help than maybe I have am the problem and need to leave because I am so unhappy. I am so tired of being mentally abused, yelled at, feeling like dirt, feeling like an idiot by how he talks to me. He says that we need to work on things but it seems like I am the only one who wants to do anything or I am told that I am the only one who needs to work on myself. I need help. Can someone help me?

Lately I have been thinking that it would just be easier to leave but my son is the only thing keeping me here. I could not do it but it is getting so hard. I do not believe in divorce and want to work through this but I do not know how.

[ChildofGod]

I will pray for you all. I am not sure what advice I could give. That is a very tough situation to be in. Are you afraid he is going to physically hurt you or your son? You are not stupid, or and idiot. He is the one with the problem. It sounds like to me that he is an alcoholic. Just please be careful and I am praying. If you want to talk personally I will be your friend and we can pm each other. I will see what I can find out. I know there is help out there to keep you and your son safe.

[Shan]

Hi,

I'm sorry you and your family are going through this but we must believe something good will come of it one day for God's glory. When someone we love has an addiction it will seem like an impossibility for us to keep living a functional life with that person because they're not functioning properly. You can set some boundaries to protect you and your son and not enable him. I know it may seem hard but no matter what you do, love him like Jesus, that doesn't mean accept what he's doing and maybe it means tough love. Have mercy and forgive him, he isn't intentionally doing this to you, it's that he's in some sort of hell inside himself and until he recognizes his sin, you're going to get the bad end of the deal. If you have a support group or person who can be there through this with you that would be good.

My husband was addicted to pornography for over 15 years, we've been together for seven of those. There were times I wanted to leave, I just couldn't take it anymore, I didn't think I was good enough for him, and so on...What I came to realize is this was his problem, just like I've had mine, he didn't need a judge in me, but I also didn't have to allow the addiction so I set boundaries and only one time has he crossed the boundary line as far as I know. When he did there were consequences naturally, but God kept telling me that I didn't get to walk away from him but that victory was going to come. Going through this with him has done more for me as a child of God and woman. God has truly given me strength and shown me my worth as a woman in spite of this sinful addiction and for that I'm greatful and thankful. Most importantly God must be your first love, let Him be to you what your husband can't, your husband is a broken man who needs God's grace and the bible tells woman we can win our husbands over by our actions not words. I BELIEVE THAT WHOLE HEARTEDLY. When you are angry yell, rant, and rave to God, when you are sad cry to Him, when you are scared climb into His arms, when there is victory praise Him, let Him become everything to you and for you, He is willing and most able! Pray, Pray and pray without ceasing, let your prayers be like your breathing, they keep you connected to Him. God's peace and grace be upon you.

In Christ,
Shan

[FaithCW]

'Be careful for nothing, but in everything by prayer and supplication with thanksgiving let your request be known unto God. And the peace of God which passeth all understanding, shall keep your hearts and minds through Jesus Christ.' Philippians 4:7

I thank you for opening your heart and placing your heart concerns out in the open. God responds to transparency.

My understanding of the scriptures is that God intends for the Body of Christ to maintain unity and at times, we are called to advise, but only according to His Word. My first question when someone approaches me to talk of a particular predicament is, ''Haveyou prayed to God about the matter?' I find we take problems to friends before we entreat God and from the beginning of time, that has been the one thing to provoke God, believing someone, or something else can do a better job than Him. He may use us to impart knowledge or wisdom, but we must remember, all we are and all we know derives from Him to use to His glory.

This April 2013, only by the grace of God, my husband and I will attain 23 years of marriage. When we met, I was an active alcoholic, and he was an active drug user. Today, he is sober; I am sober 15 years; yet, still we are together. When we give our testimony, and that is the importance of testifying - to let others know they are not alone and that God is not preferential, if He did it for us, when asked aright, He will do it for others. Nothing in you query mentions if the marriage is evenly yoked, meaning a believer joined with a believer, so I respond as if you both believe. We joined a church together and I was baptized into the service of Christ six years ago; and really, that is when our marriage as an institution of God began to exhibit the joy a blessed union between a man and woman ought. The one true thing that changed for the better is when down on my knees, I turned my husband over to the care of God and he did likewise.

Addictions are diseases, not so different from any other, and like any other, a disease requires treatment, but treatment only helps when there is recognition of an ailment. If your husband does not see a problem..., then, and this may be difficult to grasp, a problem does not exist. You will be unable to love an alcoholic to sobriety. The issues which propel a person further into alcohol abuse, existed long before they took their first drink. The secrets married people keep under a false pretense of saving face are usually fatal. So many time in the scriptures we are advised to confess and bring matters before the leaders of our home church. Such was a humbling experience for my husband and I, but from humility grew buds which blossomed into a happy marriage. The Body of Christ is exactly that - when anyone disjoins from the body, it is futility to believe the body can help. Disjoined - who in the body could know that the eye is blinded, or the knee is crooked? We become so caught up in not wanting this or that person to know this or that about us that we water down the effects of testimony.

There was a woman in the bible who pushed through a crowd because she believed if she just touched the hem of Jesus' garment, her ailment, which was an issuance of blood for 12 years, would be healed. {Luke 43-48} Indeed she did touch Him and the scripture says, 'immediately, her issue of blood staunched.' She was healed, she could have walked away, but she did not. Jesus asked, 'who touched me?' She came forth, fell to her knees and in front of that great crowd she told everyone what her problem was and why she had touched Jesus: she testified. Touching Jesus healed her. Testifying, vs. 48, 'made her whole.'

There was a Samaritan woman at the well - Jesus was a Jew - Samaritans and Jews did not deal with each other. She listened to Jesus long enough to be convinced of who He was. She went to her village to tell other Samaritans of this man she met. They were so intrigued they went to see for themselves. The scriptures says, many from the town believed.

Ask, always ask, WHAT ACTION WOULD BRING GLORY TO MY GOD? A lesson to be learned from the lives of Jesus, the prophets and apostles is this: The easiest path is usually not the Godly path. I will pray for you and your family my sister; because, with our God, all things are possible.

[eagle4031]

You are being abused. Mentally yes, at the moment, but his anger will turn more dangerous, not just for you but your son too.
Constant highlighting of his issues does put you in the firing line. I would refrain from ever raising it. Just do unconditional acts of love and do not expect acknowledgement or recognition. This will leave a vacuum within him, which MAY lead to introspection on his part.
Most importantly PRAY and give the issue to God.
God may tell you that the risk to you is too great. Therefore live somewhere else, for a while, with your son, for your safety. This is not leaving him. It is respite for you and allows him to reflect and hopefully make better choices.
Remember though, pray and listen to GOD ---- NOT us mere mortals.
Then make your decision. Too much advice from us can stop you listening to GOD