Christianity Oasis Forum

[addicted2sin]

I'm addicted to porn and masturbation... I'm 20 years old, married, and soon going to have my first son in February. I grew up in a christian home with a loving family. I have been addicted to this ugly stuff since I was 10. I was sexually assaulted by a very close friend and that changed my life. I went from an innocent child to someone who felt dirty and sinful. I didn't tell anyone in my family for years of what happen to me for I didn't want the boy who was 5 years older then me to be sent away... instead I told God and prayed that He would forgive him and not let him get in trouble.
At first after what happen I didn't do anything. But later I would touch myself and found myself enjoying in. At this point I still didn't even know what sex was. As time went on and I grew into my teen years I would look things up in books and online. I'd read sex stories and look at pictures. I'm not proud to say to but I enjoyed it. But everything I finished I got that feeling of being dirty and sinful. I'd cry all night long asking God to forgive me and help me over come it, but I'd always go back to it. Soon I gave up... I turned my back on God and walked away. I did want I wanted without answering to God. But when I was 17 my brother died and it open my eye and I was saved. Even though I was saved and I was reading my bible, going to church and praying Satan still found his way into my life.
I was 18 when I met my husband and he was a christian who suffered from the same addictions as me. Helping him over come his addiction both helped me and made things worse for me. I didn't understand some of the stuff he was into and so I looked it up online and found out...only instead of it helping me help him I to became addicted to it. I never really told him this and only kept asking God for help. We got married and at first everything went every well. I thought it was finally over...until I got pregnant. I don't know if it was cause I felt like my husband didn't pay me enough attention or I let my guard down but it has come back... I want it over! I DON'T WANT MY LITTLE BOY TO GROW UP WITH THIS SICKNESS IN MY HOUSE AND IT'S ME WHO'S IS LETTING IT IN!!! I just don't know what to do any more.

I feel like I'm a hypocrite for I look it up and do things to myself then ask God to forgive me only to go back the next day and do it over again... I'm sorry God for aways breaking your heart and not following you. I hate myself so much!

[Mackenaw]

Hello Addicted2

God bless you this day, and welcome to Christianity Oasis.

I am glad The Lord led your here, and also very glad that you have begun the 14 Day Counseling (CCCC) Study. Let me remind you that The Lord God Almighty: God The Father, God The Son and God The Holy Spirit loves you so very much.

Continue reading the daily portion of the Study, which is full of God's Word and you will grow in your relationship with The Lord. God's Word is Jesus, and Jesus is The Truth, and The Truth shall set you free. Meditate on the blessed scriptures in each day's reading. Take it fully into your heart.

I will be praying for you -- praying to our Lord in the name of Jesus on your behalf. May God's blessed will be done.

God bless and keep you.
In Christ Jesus' love,
Sister Mack