Christianity Oasis Forum

[grandma dolittle]

I think regret is one of my biggest problems. My first marriage didn't turn out like it was suppose to. it was suppose to Mom and Dad on the porch swing with the kids stopping by to visit and grandkids staying with us. Instead Mom was hundreds of miles from home; Dad was living with another woman; and the kids were confused and didn't know where they belonged. My son was 9 when I left his dad to finish college and he hated the city and wanted to go back to the country. Dad never raised him, grandparents did. He felt I abandoned him and has always resented the fact that I wasn't there for him. My daughter starting to lie, do drugs, sleep around and she was just 16. At 17 she ran away and I had no idea where she was for nearly a year. By the time she was 19, she had two sons by different fathers.

If I had stayed with their father, would life have been different for us? I don't know. I thought I was doing the right thing in getting a college degree so I could make a decent living for us. Their dad wouldn't work and I was tired of raising my kids on government commodities and hand me downs. Now I wonder if I did the best I could for them or fail them. Is my youngest in prison because I failed him?

My daughter is married, but is living with another man in a different state. She has an 14 year old adopted son who feels that she has abandoned him. I see history repeating itself with her son and I wish with all my heart I could stop that train, but I can't. My bad decisions has made life turn out miserable for those I love and forgiving myself for that is a tough one.

[dema]

If you just want to talk, feel free to PM me.

Shame and blame are the devil's tools. They really are. They do stop the train. They stop every train - and rust the wheels and grow cobwebs in the window. No matter what the past, ask Jesus for forgiveness and then believe that not only are you forgiven, but Romans 8:28 - that God works all things for good to them that love Jesus.

Praise for your children. Not just pray - but Praise God for them. Thank God for them. Do this regularly. And trust God. When you speak to your children, be a voice of love and hope. They need approval - that doesn't mean you approve all their actions. But there is much about every person on this earth that deserves approval. Whenever you hear from them or talk to them - talk of the good. Leave the bad alone. Don't shower them with worries, shower them with hope. This is Biblical.

As far as your own thoughts go - about your choices. Honey, you did the best you could with what you knew at the time. You have to trust God to do it from there. And whatever did happen, well, it could have been worse. And you don't know that it wouldn't have been. Really, the worrying and the second guessing - that is the devil's work. Let it go. The devil wants you stuck in the past so that you can't go forward. He wants you to focus on the ugly so you can't see the good. Look at the good. If you do love on and compliment your children, they will want to talk to you and see you more. And that will give you more opportunity to praise the Lord in front of them. And that will open the door for God to work in their lives. But, don't preach at them. Pray for them and act in peace and love. If you feel like you have to push, I can pretty much guarantee that isn't from God. God isn't pushy.

This is touch stuff I've written to you. It is hard, so hard, to think positives and keep your mouth shut about the other. It is very difficult to not be telling our adult children what they should do. It is difficult to not criticize what you know, absolutely KNOW from experience doesn't work. But each criticism adds bricks to a wall between you. Once in a great while, when you have had a month long or longer history of compliments and edifications, you can probably get in one paragraph of warm and loving parental advice. But that is about it with grown up children. A month of compliments and one paragraph of advice. Gently delivered. But that will get through more than a thousand complaints. It really will.

God loves you - you need to love you too.

[grandma dolittle]

Thank you. Wonderful food for thought! God bless you.
grandma