Christianity Oasis Forum

[Buddybearr]

Dear Sister Kimby

You are an inspiration !!! Please don't say no and just accept it. Look at the lessons you taught with one field trip.
To those who were disobedient, they learned at an early age that bad behavior and / or actions have consequences.
You earn those consequences.
Second lesson, those were disobedient had to do what a lot of people don't take time to do...stop and THINK AND REFLECT, ...
what did I do ?
why did i do it ?
Was what i did right or wrong AND how do i measure whether those actions were right or wrong ?
How did it affect me ? How did affect the group (aka society ) that surronds me ?
What ways do i take responsibility for what i did (good or bad ) ?
If they were positive actions, how do i continue them to keep enhancing other in my society ?
If they were negative actions, whom do i have to do true acts of repentances with those affected ?
If they were negative actions, how do i ensure that i won't do them again ?

This all came from a simple , no , you can't go on this trip because you misbehaved. great lesson . reminds me of lessons we learned and how to think from the great teacher and His life manual . .

Now the children may not have realized they were thinking on such a high level but because they did think about it ad write about it and share it ....they did and they were inspired ..hmmmm ...by who or is it whom...by a caring , loving and responsive teacher ,, a treasure hard to find and not appreciated for all they do. .

God bless u Kimby
keep up being the light in the darkness of the world

Your friend and brother in faith
Eric (Buddybearr)

hope you actually get to read this

[kimby]

As often as I can I tell my students that they are the best fifth grade class in the school. After yesterday I think that thought is starting to sink in with a few of them.
The counselors ask each class to set a goal every month...something they need to work on as a class. I decided we would start with working through the difficulties we experience when we have to walk in line from one place to another. They have improved a lot from the first day, but there is still much room for improvement and since this is the thing that people see most often we decided it was a good place to start. We decided to focus on lining up quickly. They lose a lot of time everyday just trying to get the line quiet so that it can leave the room. Our other two focus points are noise level on the stairs...something about that stairwell...it doesn't matter how quiet they were to start with, they lose it on the stairs...and staying together with no stragglers. We counted up how many times these events would occur between now and the end of the month and then we had to decide how often we thought we should be getting it right to set our goal. I told them that only something above 70% of the time would be okay with me. They discussed and we started to set our goal at 75%. One of my students raised her hands and shared her concerns. She told us that if we were the best fifth grade class in the whole school then we should certainly be able to do better than that. She thought 85% would be more acceptable.
We ended up setting the goal at 80%, but I loved the way she 'rallied the troops.' Now let's just hope we can do it.

[kimby]

Two steps forward, one step back. One step forward, two steps back. I haven't quite worked out what the ratio is yet. This has been a rough week. A very rough week. I am worn out and it is only Tuesday. Today was slightly better than yesterday. If that pattern continues hopefully by Friday we will have reached tolerable. I am not sure what has these little guys so wound up and worked up right now.

[kimby]

I am not sure I will post this after I type it, but I have to do something that will help me get my head back on straight...I had a few minutes and my laptop and came here.

I got a phone call after this morning's church service. It was from my boss in Northern Ireland. One of the young people we work with and who has volunteered with us was killed in a car accident there this afternoon. Jordan wasn't just any young person. She dated The Peter, one of my housemates. If you know me at all, you have heard me speak of him. If you were in chat at the right times, you might have even heard him come in and sing for us. My thoughts are more with him right now. I know she is okay. I don't know how he will survive this.

They truly were an amazing couple. They had been dating for almost three years and were an incredible example to their classmates and other young people of a God-centred relationship. The purity they maintained and the openness they had with each other was a hard-won battle. And they would tell anyone they could that the only way to do it was praying for and with each other regularly. We had talked often of their wedding. The distance between their two universities was the only reason it wasn't already on the calendar. When I moved away last month it was with the promise that I would be back for the event.

Her licence plate started with PDG...The Peter called her Pudge because of it. It truly takes an amazing relationship to withstand that sort of petname! He was her hero and she was his precious treasure. A maturity truly rare in eighteen and nineteen year olds.

I am not ready to deal with the why's yet. I am still figuring out what I am supposed to do with myself right now, for the next hour, tomorrow. Nothing feels right.

[Dora]

Oh Kimby! I'm in tears. I hurt for you and for Peter.

I'm glad you shared. This is a huge burden to carry. You worry for your friend and hurt for him. Try to remember God has a plan and loves Peter even more than you do. I know that's hard to do. But sometimes when we can accomplish it, it brings us a little peace with in.

I love you Kimby. You may never know why. Just as I may never know why. We just gotta keep trusting despite the hard times. Cause He really does love us so very much. Trust in that through this k sis? *squeezing tight and never letting go*

[momof3]

Kimby,

Im joining in prayer for both you and Peter, and all concerned. May His peace surround you during this time and His strength fill you.

His perfect will be done in and through this.

In Jesus,
love momo

[kimby]

I found out yesterday that I will not be able to make it back over for the services. I don't know how to feel about that...relieved or devestated. I think I am a a bit of both.

The young people in the community are taking the loss very hard. I haven't been able to talk to The Peter, but our former boss told me that he was handling things well. I hope that is truly the case and that he simply isn't in shock.

People keep asking me how I am...and I just don't know. Some moments I am fine and am going on with life..almost forgetting in the busyness of the day...and other times the knowledge comes rushing back. I don't know what I am supposed to feel. I don't know what the 'right' thing to do is.

I am cold, all the time, just cold.

[momof3]

Sis,

I dont believe there is a wrong or right way to grieve. I believe the Lord gave us the ability to grieve for a reason. It means we loved...we had hopes...we had relationship with the one who we will miss till the day we are brought together again. When my mom passed, I didnt know how life was ever going to be normal again. Later, the Holy Spirit showed me that life as Id known it would never be what I considered "the same normal" Ecclesiastes...there is a time to mourn, a time to grieve. Its ok to grieve and still know where this soul is...death was never meant to be a part of God's will for us..in the beginning. This is why even Jesus wept.

Lean on Him...He will show you what to do. His Spirit will help you through..He will lead you. He will give you the words to say, as well. Sometimes, our pain stands in the way of hearing the Lord. (Ive allowed this in the past and turned to everything but the Holy Spirit) But, if you keep Him close, and pray for Peter, and just be a listening ear..or a shoulder..you will still be ministering to him..and he to you. Allow Jesus to walk with you through this time. There is a reason....and a plan...for everything. God is still in control.

Im praying for you....and for everyone involved.

in Jesus,
love momo

[kimby]

I am not sure if I am truly settling back into life here in America, or if I am just used to it and have accepted that this is what is. Either way, life doesnt' seem just as stressful as it did at first.

My students had a decent week followed by a rough one. I am not sure which was the one that was out of the norm. I guess we will see tomorrow. I have realised part of my struggles at work have come because the 'living out of a suitcase' mentality I have at the house has filtered over to my job. I finally bought a desk organiser for my desk and started straightening it out. I am starting to get more things organised. I start tutoring before and after school tomorrow so I will have to become more organised and use time better. I sometimes get frustrated with the two other teachers on my grade level. They have taught together for years and are very similar. I feel like they expected me to jump in and do everything they did, the way they did it. I would have tried, but I know myself well enough to know that I couldn't have been successful being 'them.' Once they realised this I have felt the camaraderie and goodwill faded. It may be my perception, but I don't believe so.

Staying at the parents house has become a bit more peaceful, but not any less stressful. I don't feel like I have any space or time that is my own when I am there. If I am late coming home from work, I get a phone call. I can't go in my room and have any guarantee that I will be left alone to make a phone call. It is frustrating. The home search hasn't proved fruitful so far. Another option came up this weekend, but I am not sure I should go for it. God said no previously. I don't know if that was a forever no or a temporary no. The conditions have changed...maybe that was what needed to happen. I am just not sure. I can say it is the first thing housing-wise that I have been at all excited about.

I still feel a bit overwhelmed most of the time. I am still processing Jordan's death. I never realised how much time I had when I was overseas to just 'be.' I worked as many hours, but the schedule was so different it allowed for that time and space. I miss that. A lot.

[kimby]

I have finished the first quarter and gotten through the first set of parent teacher conferences at the new school. It is no longer the dreaded place of torture and misery it was the first few weeks. I think a few teachers are still finding it that way, but my class has settled down considerably and I finally feel like I have some genuine relationships built with some of my students. They are far from perfect..far from what I would even like or in the past consider acceptable. But when I think of what they were to what they are now, I can't help but be a bit proud of them. The ladies in the cafeteria told me my class was the best behaved during lunch. I ate lunch down there with them twice this week..I can't help but agree.

Parent teacher conferences went smoothly with a few exceptions. Of course one or two of the parents you would really like to speak with don't show up. The other one was a confernce I felt went fine. It is a mom I have communicated with regularly since the beginning of the year. Her son doesn't pay attention during lessons, doesn't do his work, disrupts class, is disrespectful...all behaviours I see frequently. She was shocked when she saw his report card. I am not sure how she can be. What did she think those behaviours would lead to? I suggested that her son start carrying an agenda between the two of us. I will mark what has not been completed during the day and needs to be done as homework. She will sign that it was finished. She 'seemed' happy with this. She left my room to go to her next child's conference and proceeded to tell that teacher that I am too aggressive with her son. He had the decency to point her back to me and to later tell me. I am just torn as to what to do. Do I ignore and continue on with the plan as we discussed? I know that is probably the best course of action, but there is part of me that wants to confront her. To let her know that I am acting in the best interest of her son and that the victim mentality she is allowing him to hold is not going to serve him well. I have actually been quite gentle with this boy in many regards. Do I become very hard nosed with him just to show her? I know that isn't the right attitude. I know I am just frustrated because she is bad-mouthing me behind my back...I think the frustration is compounded because she was all sunshine and roses to my face. I have had a handful of parents not like me over the years. It comes with the job, but they have been open about it. Yes, I have high expectations for her son. She has excuses for him. We are not only not on the same page, but not in the same book. That is fine, but please, please don't discredit me to other teachers.

I think this plays back to a lot of the insecurities I had when I first started at this school a few months ago. The students behaviour was unbelieveable and I took it personally. I felt like I was letting everyone down and failing. I still have days like that, but it is not the constant overriding feeling anymore. This is trying to bring it back. If I was a better teacher he would be doing his work...if I could engage him he would be paying attention to lessons...if I had better classroom management he wouldnt' disrupt class. The school counselor and I discussed it on the drive home yesterday. Teachers can control all but one variable. We can never forget that we are working with a live human being that makes their own choices that we can influence, but not control. My brain knows this, but still the doubts and insecurities try to creep in.

In other parts of life, I am taking baby steps forward to purchasing a house. I still haven't felt any solid direction from God. For now I am limiting everything I do in regards to it to be in teeny tiny steps, and I am hoping, hoping, hoping, that if God's answer is no that He will put a solid brick wall somewhere. One that I can't get around.
Dad's speech seems to be making small, small improvements. He can't always say what he wants but he is getting better at being able to somehow communicate it. The other night I went in to give him a hug and kiss goodnight. I said something that reminded him of my pet name that he always used for me. He kept repeating it and then said, "need big soccer player." We laughed....I guess I should be keeping my eyes out for a big soccer player. It's the small things like that that bring smiles to my day.

[kimby]

Today was a surprise and a half. Any classroom teacher will tell you that Halloween is worse than the day before Christmas and the last day of school combined. With my current class, I had prepared myself for today to be a nightmare of epic proportions. At about 2:15 this afternoon, it suddenly dawned on me, "It's Halloween." The students had been exceptionally good all day. They didn't complain when I gave them division to work on, they earned a good report from the art teacher, and behaved well and worked hard in the computer lab. In my previous ten years of teaching I have never had a Halloween that was less of a headache. I am praying that they continue this tomorrow when the possibility of eating candy for breakfast is very real!

I also talked with the principal this morning about the parent that has a problem with me. If she is complaining about me to other teachers, I assumed it is only a matter of time until she takes those complaints to the top. My principal was very understanding, but also said that this is not the first time recently a teacher has come to her saying that this mother is 'bad-mouthing' teachers. She supported the decisions I had made in regards to the child and said that if the mother comes to her she will stress the importance of what we are doing and hold the mother accountable for her part in her son's education. I am blessed to have such a supportive principal...and co-workers.

I drove by the house I am looking at last night. As I neared the curve in the road where it sits, I had that 'almost home' feeling you get when you pull onto your street after a long day or vacation. I don't know if that means anything or simply my own brain and emotions trying to move ahead of me. I pulled into the driveway and watched a fox come out of the backyard and stand in the glow of my headlights. A gray cat joined him and together the two romped and played. I think they would be lovely neighbors.

I feel far more at peace than I have in a long time. I called from work to see if mom needed anything picked up at the store. She was in quite a state, cussing every other word, and mad at anything that breathed. I managed to stay calm and talk to her and, amazingly enough, brush it off as soon as I hung up. By the time I made the commute home, fought rush hour traffic, and stopped at the grocery store, she was back to herself. I am glad I didn't waste the hour drive home mad at her or worrying about how she would treat me once I got here. It would have been a waste of time, energy, and emotion.

An important question: where is Jesus in all of this? In the trauma and difficulty that was the preparation for and aftermath of the move, I lost sight of Him. Not in theory of course...everything I was doing was because it was what He had led me to do...but in practice, I had left Him far behind. I was angry....angry at being uprooted, angry at leaving everything I loved, angry at having to come back to such hard circumstances, angry at Him, myself...the list goes on. All that anger left little room for anything else. I am starting to see that now. And while I am not to the point of discussing any of it with Him, I can at least admit to Him that those emotions are there. It may be small, but it is a start.

[Dora]

I enjoyed your journal. I smiled. I laughed. I understood. I'm glad you're making progress.

Fox and a cat hu? Pretty cool.