Christianity Oasis Forum

[elle]

Hello, I have a problem. I have a tendency to 'speak up' at times when others have the wisdom to keep quiet. If I am in a meeting and I disagree or have a question, I just say whatever's on my mind, even (foolishly) disagreeing with the boss. Sometimes I come off as harsh, disagreeable, or confrontational. Afterwards, I feel nervous, fearful, and remorseful that I opened my mouth. It affects my career, but I cannot seem to change. The fact that I am a hard-worker and a high performer does not help me with this problem. Recently I was in a situation where I spoke up. Now a superior (who is not a Christian) is wary of me. This person did not like me to begin with, because we are not similar at all. I fear that the superior will 'use' this against me and alter my future. I need some advice as to how to stay quiet like everyone else, and how to protect myself against this particular supervisor who would probably love to see me fail. The supervisor is more into psychology and tends to mock Christianity and conservative values and carries a good deal of influence. Any advice will be appreciated. Thank you!

[dema]

Sometimes it is very hard. And sometimes what you say is right. But the fact is that if you sleep on it, you can probably say it better. And a lot of times you can handle it in ways that both get better results and save face. It is so important to not embarrass anybody in these situations. (At least not unnecessarily.)

Do you need the attention? Is the stuff you are saying about what you are saying, or is it about you feeling invisible? This is a question. If it is about you feeling invisible, then you need to deal with that.

It is important to let people in general, and bosses in particular, feel good about themselves. There are a lot of ways to say most things. If you think about it, you can probably express yourself and still leave the other person looking good in front of people.

When you say things spur of the moment, this is very hard to do. Are you afraid they will steal your ideas?

You can email the idea to your boss and copy his boss. That way you have a level of protection. You don't have to say it in the meeting.

I think the first step is to look at how you feel and why you felt you could not wait to speak. Were you afraid? Were you angry? Was there a problem that had been eating at you for months? Do you just need to feel more important? Do you feel underappreciated? See if you can figure out what you felt and what you thought down deep speaking would gain you. And then you can work out a way to be a little wiser.

[elle]

Dema, thank you for responding. I'm not afraid that people will take my ideas, and I don't want or need the attention. I go into any meeting with the plan of just listening. I'd rather never speak up, actually. Sometimes the team is asked to do something that will waste time or be counterproductive; sometimes the person speaking makes a statement to 'sell' everyone on their point of view, and the statements seem wrong. The team will talk openly outside of the meetings, nobody likes what's going on, but they feel that if they speak up, it won't help, the supervisors don't listen, and that to speak up puts their job in jeopardy. I don't like to speak up, but sometimes I do. Then I worry that I might fall out of favor. Incidentally, the place I work is part of a money-losing industry. I have good intentions when I offer my opinion, but it seems that the industry is bent on doing things the same old way. More waste, more paperwork, etc. I don't want to feel like, "Just be quiet, keep your job, and pay your bills." I think I want to change the way things are. That's why I risk speaking up. Again, thanks for responding. Feel free to share more!

[dema]

I'm sure you have seen the various posters about how well-behaved women aren't the ones who changed the world. I can't keep my mouth shut in situations like that either. Zingered my preacher today in Sunday School. Left him a note stating what a wonderful teacher I think he is and tiptoed out after class. I agree with what I said and other people did too. But it still zingered him.

I think that you need some serious prayer time. That maybe you are a designated "trouble maker". Elle, this is a calling shared by most great people. Martin Luther King, Steve Jobs, Abraham Lincoln, The Wright Brothers, Noah. These were not well-behaved people. I could no more keep my mouth shut to save my job than the man in the moon. Now I own my own company.

I do have recommendations. Pray. Do your homework, follow up. And be a joy.

If you will compliment, compliment, compliment. If you will always be willing to do the extra task. If you are prepared. If you bring in cookies (unpredictably - don't let them delegate you to servant status) and be valuable and liked - it will go a long way towards both making your words more palatable and making it more difficult to fire you.

After you make these comments, you might take the time to research both sides of the argument. Make sure you say things like, "And while this has been generally accepted in the past, in more recent times....." Good words for a variety of reasons. If you can find that your way has been making real progress recently - well, politically that is a gem. And when you do this, pick your distribution list carefully. Too high up, and you seem uppity at best. Not high enough and it isn't effective.

If you have to rock the boat, be the best boat rocker you can be - and make sure everyone has all the pillows and dramamine that you can provide.

The most important advice is to Pray - and listen. If you feel like you shouldn't speak, then don't. But if you still feel like you must - look at it. If it feels like static electricity - get up and go to the bathroom. Don't speak when you feel like you are sitting on hot potatoes. However, if there is peace in your innermost parts - and a strong prod with it. Well, then, you know your answer.

You will be taking risks. But some of us just cannot play it safe. And where would we be if we all played it safe? In grass huts eating sweet potatoes and wearing skins most likely. Still, risk taking should be done judiciously - with a lot of prayer.

[elle]

Dema, thank you. Your remarks make perfect sense, both spiritually and practically. When I posted my question, I prayed for the Lord to put it in front of someone who would answer truthfully, whether the answer made me 'feel good' or not. It's funny, I know that someday I'll have my own company, too. I've always known that. I just want to make sure I'm doing what the Lord wants me to do at this time where He has planted me, and that I make my next move only in the Lord's will and timing and not disrupt the Lord's plan by using my words in a way that God doesn't approve of. Your comments and advice are right on target. Thank you for sharing your wisdom. Tonight I will pray for you! God bless you. Keep up your good work. I just found this website for the very first time last night. What a huge gift!

[dema]

You are very welcome. There are some great programs here and wonderful studies.

God bless you and may your heart hear Him clearly.