Christianity Oasis Forum

[angelbaby]

The poem is both figurative and literal. The literal is the past. The figurative is the emotions and thing behind it. It is really rough because all I want to do is run and cut. I am terrified to go to my room right now. It is like I am replaying the same again. The building I live in is set up the same manner. The feelings are intense. I don't know if this even makes sense. So, I will hush.

[angelbaby]

Trapped By the Nightmare Within

Running from the Darkness within
Trying to escape the Nightmare
Afraid that it will never end
Truth be told I don’t think I can handle this anymore
It is just too much to bear all alone
No Light is present
No Hope can be found
Alone in the Darkness
Trapped by the Nightmare within

[angelbaby]

Repeating History

A little girl stands at a door
Afraid to enter in
Knowing what waits behind the door
Shall once again be done
Unable to tell because she knows telling doesn’t help
Now an adult stands at the door
Afraid to enter in
Knowing the secrets that lie behind the door but unwilling to tell
For telling what is behind the door
Could cause history to repeat

[angelbaby]

I Want to Go Home

I just want to go home
I just don’t want to be here
I don’t want to come back here
Please just take me home to a safe place
Where everything is normal
Where everything is ok
I just want to go home
But you can’t hear my voice
You are in a room that I can’t go in
Stay out here in the game room and play
Explore the hallways and the woods
While we play inside this room where only adults can go
Whether it is dark or light when we are finished we will go
We’ll go home and pretend like everything is ok
Either go to bed or get dressed and ready for school the next day
I will pretend everything is normal and everything is ok
But in reality nothing is normal
Nothing is fine
Knowing tonight will be no different than last night

[dema]

I watch Raising Hope. It is a stupid show, but they have some interesting themes. In one episode, they dealt with the fact that every year the mother made them all crazy trying to get a perfect family picture. The character is a maid, and in every house she cleaned, there was a perfect family picture. And no matter how she tried, she could not get one. She planned the picture for weeks, started hours early - but the stress would make her son eat his eyebrows or something.

They ended up having a conversation with one of the people in the perfect pictures - and that rich person revealed that their whole lives had less warmth than these crazy people. In the end, the crazy family received a traffic photo in the mail of them singing to the radio and that was their perfect family picture.

I know that these comments don't deal at all with the hurt. However, I have found that not only do hurt people have to deal with the hurt itself, they also have to deal with false expectations. I know that has been a major issue with my husband. Actually, it has been for me as well. I tend to have these big dramatic weirdnesses in my life. An investment counsellor forged my signature and tried to transfer my retirement account out of my institution to hers. Now that's just weird. Had major state honchos involved. I've had a lot of that weirdness in my life in the past. My parents are still living and we've had a good relationship except in my teens. I doubt that they realize that the biggest issues in my teens were due to that bus incident. They never dealt with that except that Mama did drive me to school and back for months. And that was a lot of work for her. But, we didnt' talk about it or what it did to me. And it bubbled up, as they say, in my teens. I realized pretty early that that is what was going on. But in the 70's, they still did things like ask you on job applications if you had ever been to a psychologist and then wouldn't hire you if you had.

Angel, the point of this rambling message is that there isn't anybody in that room in your poem. Nobody real. The only people in that room are acting. They are standing outside their own rooms.

Unless they are in a room with Jesus - that is the only room where the pain goes away and we can come to each other in warmth and love. All the other rooms have pretending and hurt and pain and people trying to overcome and looking out doorways and walls into other rooms. You've heard the phrase, "The grass is always greener on the other side of the fence"?

I have known so many failures in life who were a failure mainly because they refused to deal with life as it is. They insisted on dealing with life as it should be. Pot should be legal - so they went to jail. I shouldn't have to put up with this on a job - and so they lost the job. I shouldn't have to pay this much for license plates... You get the message and I imagine you've known them too.

The Gulf of Mexico should still be more polluted from the oil spill. The tornado winds should have killed my geraniums. The person we prayed for should have died.

There are two sides. Where God steps in, the shoulds go the other way.

Jesus is the Great Physician. Jesus heals. And we are all broken. Every single one of us. We all NEED the Great Physician.

[angelbaby]

Today, something has hit me. I am jealous. I kept hearing people talk about their plan with their families for Easter. They are cooking dinner for their family, or they are having dinner with their family. All, I am doing is going to church and then back to my dorm. This is acutally weird because I hate family gatherings, but I guess I am homesick. I have only went home once this semester for Spring Break. This is atypical for me because I typically would go home more than that. I also have lots of problems with being around my family. I tend after the first day or so to want to come back here. I know summer vacation is less than two weeks; then, I will be home with my family for the summer. I have been missing my neices and nephews. I am also really burnt out at school. I just need the break. I can work a job and leave work there. I don't have to worry about homework or anything. I have three major assignments left then finals. Finals will be easy the two classes with test finals will be easy. Those teachers make testing easy. The other is just listing four virtues of a teacher and particpating in class discussion. I can even see myself after a week or so begging to come back to school. Will I ever be happy with anything someone might ask?

[dema]

That's something that Joyce Meyer preaches about - how difficult it is for people to be blessed in the moment. Paul talked about learning to be content.

But, Angel, you have never been able to shape your life. Going to college is a major achievement - but when you graduate and get a job, you will be able to make a lot more decisions - get a place that doesn't resemble your past and so forth.

Learning to count blessings is something to work on.

[angelbaby]

Hiding Within

Time after time Darkness enveloped
The secret remained hidden
Until one day the secret was spoken
Oh, how I wish I could take that moment back!
How I wish I didn’t say a word
After that, the Darkness only grew worse
Hiding within me was the only option
Hiding all of what happened in the dark

[stillstanding]

the Light brings healing, Angel. ((U)) keep letting the light in. yer doing so well with yer writing

God bless you more and more every day!

[newdawn4uk]

Day three is a very difficult step for me. I am not good at either letting myself, God, or others off the hook for things. I have often had difficult understand the "why's" of life. Why God allowed things to happen? To be honest, I really despise the answer that human have free will. I have heard it a million and on times, and it still bothers me. I just don't get it, I guess. The most difficult thing is forgiving myself. If I make a mistake, I feel like I have to correct the mistake or punish myself. Even if someone forgives me, I still typically have a hard time forgiving myself until I feel like I have punished myself or made up for the mistake. Yes, I whole heartedly admit that I am a perfectionist. I have learned this from home, school, and the expectations that I place on myself. I want others to see me as strong and having it all together. I am usually the once counseling my friends and giving them advice. At the same time, I could feel like I need to fall apart, but no one else is allowed in the walls to see. The funny thing is that I am very contradictory. There are times I despise this feeling of having to be perfect. I want to throw the mask off and just scream that I am a human too. I make mistakes, too! I am also terrified of that. The times, I have taken off my mask to show people the real me I have been accused of just seeking attention or being rebellious "teenager." People didn't see the real need. I felt rejected. I swore that I wouldn't take off the mask and let people again. That is a very lonely place to be, however. The true cry of my heart lately is to be transparent.

I am touched by your honesty angel and today i heard a song for the first time and as you talked about your mask ect and how you want to take it off and be transparent this song popped into my mind and the song is by Casting Crowns and is called "stained glass masquerade", i dont want to put a link up here but you can find it on youtube if you want to hear it, hope it helps.

[deetu]

Have to keep Jesus close when facing the darkness, it is something you cannot do yourself but with Jesus, you can.
Evil doesn't want you to face that darkness... it wants you to keep being afraid so you can't be free but the darkness isn't the light. You only need a little bit of light to dispell the darkness.
You are doing great angel... things are changing... you are changing

[Dora]

Hiding Within

Time after time Darkness enveloped
The secret remained hidden
Until one day the secret was spoken
Oh, how I wish I could take that moment back!
How I wish I didn’t say a word
After that, the Darkness only grew worse
Hiding within me was the only option
Hiding all of what happened in the dark

I think I get that.
May times I have wished the past stayed hidden.
But you know, was it ever really hidden.
Didn't your deepest parts know it was there and caused things like fear to be a constant.
Didn't you have times you got snippy at others and had no idea why when in reality the past was there in the back of your mind causing you to be someone you didn't want to be with a person you least wanted to hurt.
Or well maybe not you. But I've been there.
They can't be healed if they don't get uncovered first.
It's a hard process to deal with, but you know what He's there every step of the way. And He is so very good. He will hold you through every moment, if you trust Him, and let Him.
Trust is hard. I know. But He is trust worthy.

One day all this will be faded away. Just don't keep such a tight grip on it that He can't work it loose from your hands. When it's gone, you'll feel so light you'll fly. You won't loose you. You'll find you.