Christianity Oasis Forum

[Dora]

Dema I love you and I'm not ignoring you.

Apparently to hear it's not my fault and I'm forgiven is abrasive. Which just shows me that I still carry guilt over this stuff. There's just so much. And when I work on receiving forgiveness over one, there's another memory pop up and the guilt and shame and their words that were used to make sure I felt shamed enough to keep quiet and words that released them from feeling wrong in their actions, and then the accuser keeping things spinning with in my mind to the point I can't even focus through one issue because another is popping up.

I know Jesus loves me. And living in His grace is an up and down thing for me. It takes time of reflecting which I've not allowed myself lately. I tend to just get busy and work so I don't have to think about it.

I feel nearly numb this past few days. I don't think it's so much of my past but the kids that I tend to. Some drain me mentally and emotionally. I just don't know how much longer I can continue with them. I'm at the point I feel my home is a disaster but I can't even figure out how to begin to get it in shape. Then last night my boys trashed their room. I just stood in the door way asking myself, "How!?" They are teens. They can't figure this out that clothes go in dressers!! And things need to be put away when you're done. I just asked my oldest son to please remove his lap top from the kitchen counter. He understood and did so. Then this morning there it is again and he has left for the weekend! So here I am taking care of his stuff or it will sit in my way all week end. Footballs, pocket knives, clothing, papers, books, tools, weird things that I have no idea what they are or what they go to. Every where I turn their stuff. They have very few chores but can't seem to keep those done with out being told multiple times and then getting upset at me cause I'm hounding them about them. We have bible study here tonight and I just want to cry! Little children's faces smears all over the windows and glass door, floors need mopped, muddy doggie prints on the couch, dust an inch thick and a pile of peoples things that no one seems to have the time to go through and pick out what is theirs and put away. Which I'll probably just end up putting them away. And I want time to make the living room look friendly with candles and flowers and pretty things.

[dema]

I'm sorry I chafed you.

With the kids - do you still have Sammy? If you didn't have Sammy, would everything else become manageable?

As far as the teenagers. I really recommend taking their stuff and locking it up. They get it back when they earn it. Choose what you lock up carefully. Clothes they may never wish to earn back. A computer might mess them up at school. But a football? They would want to earn back a football and might be willing to get their whole room cleaned up to get that back.

Try to get clever at methods of punishment that don't hurt you and that don't damage them.

And give them notice. Teenagers hate to have things sprung on them. It makes them feel like you are treating them like a little child and they don't like that.

Also, with me, when I was really suffering from the combo of marriage and the financial strains of the business, I would just sit and play solitaire or watch television. And I felt guilty. And God said to me, "What do you do when you are sick?"

And I realized that what he meant was that when we are sick we allow ourselves to just sit and play solitaire and watch television and take long naps. And we heal during the rest.

Another day, I really wanted to do those things and felt guilty and He said, "You need a sick day, do you REALLY need to get sick to allow yourself to take one? That can be arranged."

I can just hear you say, "I can't - I have smudges on the windows and footballs and computers and......." And I think that reaction and you being upset at me for telling you that you are forgiven are related.

Pine, can you picture the little girl and pull her into a rocker and just rock her? Are you able?

Can you tell her that you love her just for her? That she doesn't have to work really, really hard and help every person who posts on the site and help little waif children who have a really rough life, and pressure herself to get well really, really fast and make wonderful meals for two cents a serving, and smile and be a good girl all the time?

Pine you are super woman and nothing seems to be good enough in you to meet your own approval. You are wonderful. You are wise. You are there for everyone almost every day. You are cleaning and counselling and cooking and playing guitar and Bible studying.... Honey, aren't you tired?

[Dora]

Your words didn't chafe me. The truth did. I am in no way upset with you.

I guess it all falls down to control.

I want control of my house. I want control over the dishes that don't stop piling up, the laundry, the dust, the stuff, the unmade beds, the dirty bathrooms, the tiny feet that wont stop moving long enough for me to put shoes on them, the kid that wont stop eating, the cat that is destroying the house, the constant dog hair that makes me itchy and sneeze and the chicken that ate my tulips before they even had a chance to grow! I want to control the teens and the spouse that doesn't seem to notice their stuff piling up and their messes.

[Christnundrconstruxn]

Hi sister Pine!!!
I agree with Dema about the teenage boys, hold them accountable!
You see I have one and he is just like what you describe, house is all clean and school lets out....WHOOOOSH!!!
the tornado walks in , I'm not kidding he can destroy a couple of rooms in MINUTES and will NOT pick ANYTHING up
when me and my wife were together she used to come home to me being half aggravated but the house was always clean and she had no clue, now she comes home and I'm not there 2 hours before her getting on 3 teenagers to clean up thier messes so when she walks in WHOOOSH!!!! the tornado plus 2 (the girls) had hit and the kids occasionally call me "moms yelling and out of control" hmmmmm sounds familiar, you see I was the heavy hand and came home cracking the whip to clean up BEFORE she would get home, I actually made up a chore list that would alternate every month so all 3 had the same work load as the others and I would enforce it after school BEFORE anything else!!
It's kinda funny because my son comes over to my house and don't get me wrong he is stll the "tornado" to some degree but he shows more restraint and when I say clean something up I only have to ask once.....yes I said once...yes teenage boy but at home he destroys and what happens she comes home and starts cleaning up and picking up....AFTER 3 TEENAGERS 2-13 and 1-17 oh and the chore list...gone.

SO dishes, laundry, dust, stuff, dirty bathrooms.....CHORE LIST unmade beds....close doors , limit area for dog-cat AND chickens, spouse....your on your own there
Just remember what Dema said it IS truth

Pine you are super woman and nothing seems to be good enough in you to meet your own approval. You are wonderful. You are wise. You are there for everyone almost every day. You are cleaning and counselling and cooking and playing guitar and Bible studying.... Honey, aren't you tired?

May God bless you as much as YOU have blessed others!!
Cuc

[stillstanding]

I want control over the dishes that don't stop piling up, the laundry, the dust, the stuff, the unmade beds, the dirty bathrooms, the tiny feet that wont stop moving long enough for me to put shoes on them, the kid that wont stop eating, the cat that is destroying the house, the constant dog hair that makes me itchy and sneeze and the chicken that ate my tulips before they even had a chance to grow! I want to control the teens and the spouse that doesn't seem to notice their stuff piling up and their messes.

i SOOOOOOO get that! so very very get that! when i was doing day care in my house i cleaned constantly. i was grumpy constantly. i never had time for my family and resented everyone for it. i really never had time for me and really resented everyone for it. i had to quit doing daycare in my home because it was making me crazy and everyone miserable. and this was BEFORE aaron. i still had to work at that time. so went back to work in a larger community daycare. then i was working for someone else again, which i hated. and still dint have time for my family. so the anger and resentment over that kept growing. i finally just couldnt do it anymore. i had to stop being the primary caregiver for other peoples kids and start learning how to focus on mine. it's been over a year and im just starting to get over the resentment of having to put my family on a back burner for the sake of working for all those years.

whats working now? its so hard. its unbelievably hard to overcome all this pent up frustration over the constant cleaning up after them. i have certain expectations of them all based on their capabilities and when they dont reach my expectation i feel myself getting frustrated more and moreso until i'm angry. but i can recognize this now \o/ i can tell that i'm gettin royally ticked off and talk (rant maybe ) at Holy Spirit as i clean up their junk and messes. Holy Spirit help me remember do all things as unto the Lord and to my very best ability. (regardless of the fact that they are complete and utter pigs and lazy omy goodness do u see this...) yes to God's glory. and i just go on and on with Him like that til i'm done. i'm getting it. it's hard to fight thru. but He gives me more and more of what i want as i more and more do these things as a willing servant who's been allowed a position of caring for His wonderful children. I constantly remind myself that as much as i want it all my way, i really would rather submit and let Him do it His way, because in the long run it's easier. inasmuch as i have expectations of my family members, ultimately their behaviors are between them and God. I show them and teach them what is right and guide them towards God to my best ability - God given ability for God given purpose - but i cant let myself get angry when they dont meet my expectations. my expectations are created in my head for someone who has a completely and entirely different purpose in life and whose brain doesnt work like mine, someone who has countless thoughts going thru their head at any given moment that are absolutely foreign to me.

this is something very new to me. i'm human. and i have a lotta wrong teaching and gobbledygoop that i have to overcome, but i think this is what God is teaching me right now. be what I made you to be. serve in the ways that I have given you right now. Do all things as unto Me. for me it's meaning sweep the floor while praying; do the dishes and pray; pray while doing the laundry; clean the bathroom and pray...all these activities that i have spent all these years doing while simultaneaously complaining in my head about them and the people who made the mess now i hafta reprogram my thinking so i'm not complaining but instead i'm praising for the opportunity.

its soooo hard...this reprogramming stuff...but it's paying off

love you. i dint mean for this to be so long. hope theres something in it u can use

[Christnundrconstruxn]

hey Sorta,

gobbledygoop.......I LOVE IT!!!!!

seriously my hats off to both of you, I was a stay home dad for 2-3 years and THAT was enough I could not imagine a house full

[Dora]

Morta There is soooo much truth in your words. And yes a lot that has helped. I feel calmer and as if these things that are effecting me so greatly really don't even matter much right now.

I guess I expect they are teens now they really need to step up to the plate a little and be more responsible for their stuff. I think I'm just going to have to do it. For today. And maybe even throw some stuff out even if I don't know if they need it.


It helped to vent and I read James the story Five Little Monkeys Jumping On The Bed and I feel much better. Plus most of the house work is done.

CUC I'm proud of you for that 2-3 years. I always knew you were awesome.

Thanks to you three and the Holy Spirit I feel a relief.

[Dora]

I asked the Lord why is it others can show so much love, yet I feel so empty.

I saw a picture of a heart with such huge cracks that the love put into it poured out the bottom.

After all the counseling and the many many talks with friends, the time spent with the Lord, I don't understand why it's still so broken or how and when it'll mend.

[akita777]

I have two teens myself and the Lord in showing me how(even though I fail a lot) to hold them accountable. For instance, my day off is on Thurs. and I told my 17yr old to be up and ready to go look for a job by 9:00am. He ignored me and slept in till afternoon. We had told him that we were going to get him a video card for his computer that had gone out. I told him his choice not to get up cost him his video card. I told him that I would find extra work around the house for him to earn the money for the video card. It took him another 2 weeks to get it. So he was without one till then. He was mad as a wet cat!

My kids have chores to do too. I think it is important that they keep up with them. Maybe if your son leaves his stuff laying around and can put it in your closet. Just keep adding things to it until he learns how serious you are about his lack of respect and defiance. This is very important, because when we are defiant against our parents (and I was) we ultimately are driven to defy God. That is the WRONG thing to do. God loves us so much that he will chasten those he loves. I for one can tell you it is not a pretty picture.

Maybe after you have collected things that they leave laying around they can earn them back. By doing the chores consistently. Just some thoughts...Steve

[akita777]

I asked the Lord why is it others can show so much love, yet I feel so empty.

I saw a picture of a heart with such huge cracks that the love put into it poured out the bottom.

After all the counseling and the many many talks with friends, the time spent with the Lord, I don't understand why it's still so broken or how and when it'll mend.

One more thing: Psa 51:17 The sacrifices of God are a broken spirit; A broken and a contrite heart, O God, You will not despise.

[Dora]

One more thing: Psa 51:17 The sacrifices of God are a broken spirit; A broken and a contrite heart, O God, You will not despise.

\o/ Praise God!

Thank you akita. Thank you.

Thank you for the parenting advice to. You've got me thinking. One son has been grounded all weekend because of other issues. Severe issues! I feel so guilty. But now that I think out how ultimately he could defy God that way he is defying me it makes me glad we grounded him as sharply as we did.

[Dora]

I am so excited.

Yesterday I was standing by the window looking out at the cold, frozen brown grass struggling with anxiety that comes from letting people down. I feel like I'm running through life doing what He asks, and have to jump these hurdles that humans put in the way. Hurdles or what they expect of me, which is NOT what God expects of me. It is hard to know I let them down. I didn't live up to what they felt I should. If left unchecked it came bring and feeling. And steal my joy and peace.

I felt God so very close. Oh how I love that. Sooooooo gently He showed me that just a few days ago I was so aggravated at someone because they didn't see things the way I did. They didn't see a need to do things that is so natural for me to do. I couldn't understand how they couldn't see the need to do these things. My eyes were opened that just as these people who are frustrated at me are feeling the same way towards me that I felt towards these others.

What I find so amazing and exciting is the way He came to me, so gentle, so filled with love and concern. He didn't condemn me. He didn't speak harshly. He didn't show me my error and leave me feeling like I must change or deal with it. But he came softly and gently softened this harsh area in me. Oh it makes me want to cry tears of joy. We have a gentle shepherd. So very gentle. The inner child feels so safe and secure in Him. Each time He comes to her He goes deeper with in her emotions and feelings and brokenness and she falls in love with Him more and more. I feel like the young girl waiting in anxiousness for that wedding day. My mind is filled with daydreams of Him and longs to be with Him so intimately every moment of every day. To dance and commune with the Father, God, who loves me even when I'm not very unlovable, even when I'm sinning. Cause He is so good like that. We are so blessed.