Christianity Oasis Forum

[Guest]

I am struggling. I am weak. I am confused. I can't seem to escape the harvest of a bad seed planted. I can't seem to exit this season. In keeping with my "bus" theme, the bus is out of gas. The constant roller coaster of chaos which my life consists of has left me exhausted emotionally and physically sick. I can't seem to let go of my wife's situation . . . . my "cross" to bear. I am supposed to help her, which I attempt to do, but . . . . . . . maybe Iim confused . . . . . . . as a Christian and a husband I am bound to be there for her . . . . . . . every time she cries for help could be the turning point . . . . . . .Wednesday seemed like one - a new start for her (see my "Back on God's bus" post). Thursday she disappears, does not answer her phone. Finally, she calls at 8pm, hysterical . . . . . . . . .she is crying profusely, distraught . . . . . . .she says "I have really screwed up this time, used again . . . . . cheated on you last weekend." I talk to her for over an hour. I console her, I tell her I forgive her, I speak softly and lovingly, as I am scared for her safety. She cannot come to me because it is dark, she has lost her glasses, and cannot see to drive. Finally, she is exhausted, and goes into her clean and sober living house to sleep. I am relieved she is safe, and thank the Lord for being with me and helping me to help her. Friday morning 5:30 am she calls and tells me she's on her way . . . . . . .she arrives, comes to bed and sleeps. I do my devotionals, step 3 and go back to sleep with her. When we wake up, I make us food, and we spend the rest of the day in bed watching movies and her resting. She "doesn't want to talk" and I respect that. She makes me a big pot of spaghetti (since I can't cook) and leaves to go back to the clean and sober house around 4 - before dark. I call her later but she doesn't answer. Saturday, she is out of touch again, but I have great peace, I feel the Spirit of the Lord upon me, I feel that I have been moved to let go . . . . I feel free and spend the entire day in His Word and in His presence. Around 9pm my wife calls . . . . . she is delusional from smoking crack . . . . . . "they" (the people at her clean and sober house) are part of the "plot" against her. I try to talk to her, but it is difficult . . . . . I tell her to drive here, but instead she goes back to the house, packs her things, and leaves. I talk to her while she is doing this until her phone dies. She calls me later, parked on the side of the road. She is smoking crack and lost. After we hang up, I am amazed at how God is helping me deal with this. I have no anxiety, no fear, no stress. I am calm and in a sense detached. I have joy and peace knowing that He is in control. I feel blessed and free. If she comes here fine, if not, the Lord will take care. About 1 am she pulls into the driveway. She does not come in . . . . . she is smoking crack. An hour or so later, she comes in and goes to bed. l am glad she is safe and thank the Lord for helping me through this. Sunday she sleeps late. Again, we spend most of the day in bed, and I try to minister to her. I hold her and tell her that God has to be in the center of her life, don't give up, etc. We watch inspirational TV for a while, She sleeps off and on, and I watch football. I know that the concepts of "enabling, tough love, she needs to hit bottom, etc . . . " can easily be attached to my actions, but I have went to the Lord on this and He (at least I believe) keeps telling me to be there for her. To provide aid and comfort to her when she reaches out. I have many times asked to be released, she has left me countless times, but she always comes back . . . . and I believe I am supposed to receive her. Finally, at about 4 pm yesterday she receives a call. It is from a man that she is fond of . . . . . . .a man who has paid her to have sex with him in the past (yes, she has worked as an escort (prostitute)in order to support her habit). She tells me she is going to go see him. This, needless to say, pushes my button. We fight, I force my way into her car in order to try to express my deep hurt and frustration. This is a huge no - no. You see, my wife was molested by her father as a child and any attempts to control or constrain her cause her great distress. I say my piece however and go into the house. 5 minutes later she drives away. I am left alone in anger, frustration, despair, and guilt. I have not heard from her since. I try to go to the Lord, but cannot find comfort. I try to let go of the chaos, but cannot stop obsessively thinking about all of this . . . . my mind races, my stomach turns, my heart bleeds . . . . and satan laughs. This is my life and I am torn. I cannot control her, I cannot save her, she is in God's hands. This I know. I have no support except from Him. No family or friends who will share this burden with me. I many times want to quit on her, but can't. I give it to the Lord, and receive short respites, but always something happens to draw me back into the fire. This has been going on for 3 years. It is getting better, really . . . . . but that only shows how bad it has been. Needless to say, it has been hard to focus on my steps. WOW, a long post. I hope it has not been to personal or disgusting to read. It is kind of embarrasing to share such personal things. I really did need to get this out though, as like I say, I have no real outlet. I know my real comfort and strength lies in Him and will seek it diligently. Thanks for reading this and for your prayers,

[phantomfaith]

Brother aj just wanted to give you a*hug*

I feel your pain but not all of it of course as only you and the Lord can feel it all. I like the way that you are letting God deal with this. You doing the best you can, keep it up

GBU

[goldieluvs]

awwwwwwwwwwww aj idk if this will help,,, but i will share what helped me..... my family saying you cant see neices and nephews. They did not contribute money when i was using... not that i didn't relapse cuz well that wouldnt be true. BUT when i came back i was accepted back with love. Concern and some talks. But all in all, it helped. I know God was in it. I say this to point out that i was my own worst enemy. I had to hit rock bottom.... everyone's bottom is different. My family said enough... we love you, but we are NOT helping you to continue with this....

IDK if these words helped.... so perhaps a to let you know we care and will pray.

GBU

[vahn]

Hello AJ

Reading your post(s) brings so many "disturbing" memories of my own similar experiences that I just simply could not find a starting point as to where or how to begin my reply .
I put the word "disturbing" in quotation marks because of one reason , they don't disturb me any longer , in fact , they stopped disturbing me the minute I made the decision that I would not let my situation "hurt" me any longer .

I am , at this writing , finding it difficult whether to limit my reply either by way of empathy or solution for I do know and feel both .

You are , and naturally so , using your words , " Struggling , weak and confused" . If we were to reverse the sequence of the quotation and take the last word first and deal with that first , then we will find our "strength" and the "struggle" will take care of itself .
First thing that comes to mind , is the fact that our Lord is NO Author of confusion , so any confusion that we might be experiencing is coming from enemy territory , therefore , ANY decision we make with a confused mind will render us yet more confusing results . Hence is the law , if we do the same thing ... the same thing will happen , and the core of our addiction(s) hinges on the very fact that we are forever telling ourselves "This time it will be different" . Well , my brother , the truth is we may never see the "this time" . and even when we do , we probably be so exhausted and weak that we never get to enjoy the moment , so ...

First things first brother . Not only am I powerless over my own addictions , I needed to realize that I am also powerless over someone else's . And just as I recover from my addiction , I needed to apply the same principles to the other's addiction as well in order for me to gain enough strength to be able to "carry" others , otherwise I will I will succumb as well .

If we pay close attention to the way lifeguards do their work saving a drowning person , we will notice that they swim up to the drowning and , from a safe distance , they toss them the lifesaver and then tow them to shore . It is up to the "victim" to decide whether to grab hold the lifesaver or not . Otherwise , what good is a drowning lifeguard ?

I can go on forever , brother listen , in my experiences in this recovery business , I had been called every name in the book , but I will tell you one thing , in my book not telling truth equals to lying . Addiction is REAL , pain and suffering is REAL , Powerlessness is REAL , and SOLUTION is REAL would you like find out why ? ... GOD ... IS REAL .


In Christ , our Lord

[Guest]

Thank you Vahn. Your words are helpful. Your lifeguard analogy is very accurate. I feel like I am continually throwing the lifesaver, she takes it for a minute, and then decides to release from it and swim back into danger. She will eventually stop swimming and yell (reach out) for help. Ad nauseum. Ergo my frustration and confusion. I don't see any other life guards - in fact, everyone on the beach and in the water is telling her to keep swimming. I would much rather be back on the beach in my tower, attending to my business, but to say "this person obviously wants to drown so I will just let her" is not in my nature, and I don't believe it is what God wants either. So, do I swim back to my tower, and say "let her get back to the beach on her own (tough love)" or do I continue to throw her the lifesaver, believing that there will be one time that she holds on for good (what I believe is faith). Now this is my burden, my cross, my situation and there really is no right answer as to what to do necessarily. How I deal with it internally is really the issue and like all difficult life situations, it can be a struggle. I cannot express how helpful this site has been in coming to a place of serenity. The Lord is blessing me with peace and freedom. He is showing and teaching many things. One of the things I am being taught is that this is not just about her, it is also about me. I am being built up further into Him and being brought closer to Him as I have to rely on Him in all of it. This is a true blessing and cause for rejoicing. There is healing taking place in me as He works out His purpose. This situation with all of its pain and chaos will eventually be resolved. My prayer is that she will be able to partake in His victory with me. I love you, my brothers and sisters in Him. Thank you for your thoughts and continued prayers.

[Dora]

aj I set here and weap as I read your journal. I am so thankful you have a place to "let things out."

I wish I had words to share that would wipe this all away. Yet I don't. I do know a God who cares about every little thing in your life and understands your struggle and pain. I know He can and will set things straight. And I offer you prayer. I pray His good and perfect will be done. In Jesus name.

You are not alone. If you ever need a friend to talk to I'm here.

I am amazed at your strength and faith. Stay strong brother. Stay strong.

[momof3]

I, too am praying for you and your wife. God is in control and Im so thankful He is giving you peace through this. She is His, too..and He loves her. She has choices to make...and only she can make them. Keep praying for her. Keep planting those seeds of healing through Jesus.

You and she remain in my prayers. God's perfect will be done in this.

in Jesus,
love momo

[havingfaithagain53]

AJ~

Reading all this has really made me see that although we all go through difficult trials, that everyone has something that seems worse at times than others. Yours is definitely a trial that could make or break you in the Lord. I see that through this trial that YOU have OPENED all the DOORS for the LORD to ENTER and are doing EVERYTHING you believe to be what HE would have you do.

The most AMAZING thing I see from you... is something we ALL could learn from... UNCONDITIONAL LOVE!!! You are actually giving your wife something that MOST people in your position would NEVER even think about doing... let alone for 3yrs!!! God has TRULY been with you on this journey. AND the good part... YOU HAVE BEEN LISTENING TO HIS CALLING FOR YOUR LIFE!

Let me tell you... I am definitely one who believes in TOUGH LOVE. I've had to use it with my oldest son and it was VERY VERY HARD. Especially being a Mother... you never want your child to feel ABANDONED! I would cry nights not knowing where he was or if he was alive. But... that is where the Holy Spirit came in and reminded me that GOD loves him more than ME!!! And if I TRULY believe that GOD IS IN CONTROL ... I WILL LET GO AND LET GOD. I did and the PEACE that overcame me was unreal! The end result... like you said... it wasn't just about my son... it was also about ME and God teaching me how to TRUST HIM COMPLETELY!

In saying all that I am NOT saying for you to follow after what I did... I am just telling you my experience and that GOD took my son and molded him into an AWESOME MAN OF GOD! And one day you may have to come to this decision... but until then... I agree with you on one thing... UNCONDITIONAL LOVE is something SHE WILL NEVER FORGET! Trust me on one thing... YOU are not only planting the seed... you have been watering and protecting her as well. So... when the day comes and it will... that GOD says... now let the SON take care of her to let her BLOOM to be the most beautiful flower... you will KNOW to let go!

Thank You for SHARING your story.... It has opened my eyes in more ways than you know.... I knew what UNCONDITIONAL LOVE was ... but SEEING IT like this... has been such a BLESSING ... GOD IS WITH YOU!! Don't for one SECOND doubt that... You have proven WORTHY and HIS BLESSINGS are coming your way!!! PRAISE THE LORD!

BELIEVE AND YOU WILL RECEIVE!!!
Love in Christ... Linda

[Guest]

Thank you so much Linda. I know hard and difficult the experience with your son must have been. Praise God that He honored your obedience and brought your boy back to you. I don't really feel like an awesome man of God most of the time. I am just trying to cope and the Lord is the best source of coping I know. The fact that I struggle each day to maintain my faith and have trouble allowing myself to be guided by Him is enough to humble. I also know that I have some issues of co-dependence and have enabled my wife which has made the situation worse. This sometimes haunts me. I have also spent innumerable days and nights in tearful pain - the last time being a couple of hours ago. My wife has so many issues (incest, abandonment as a child, early drug abuse with her parents, abandonment of her son, rape, sexual exploitation, shame, guilt, splitting sanguine personality, disassociative personality disorder, and to top it off a severe case of delusional paranoid psychosis, induced and exacerbated by the crack). She is very confused and very sick. I really am the only person in her life that has ever believed in her, genuinely tried to help her, and stuck by her. Her chemical dependency is a result of trying to mask the pain and a cry for help. She is also trying to kill herself out of shame, guilt, anger, and suffering. The scope of these problems and my sensitivity to her perceptions of how she has been treated makes "tough love" a scary proposition. It may be necessary at some point though. The first time I met her, I looked into her eyes and saw the pain - actually felt it. I loved her immediately. Very strange, but true. Of course I also saw the wonderful person she was and could be. I have been in love with her and trying to "rescue" her ever since. We did almost make it a little over three years ago, but I did not put God first and defeat was snatched from the jaws of victory. That's when the nightmare truly began. Believe me, I am no angel and have really blown this thing big time in so many ways (still am to an extent). I do believe that "the darkness is starting to lift" and the Light is shinning on me. A large part of that is because of this site and brothers and sisters like you. Your encouragement and prayers are being used by the Lord to strenghten me and guide me. God bless you.

[sbennett]

AJ, I pray that you continue to fight the good fight...not only for her but for yourself as well. Keep seeking God in all of this....I know you search for HIS answers and guidance.

[anne marie]

AJ
You are a wonderful man who has put your wives needs above your own. You are what I now wish I could have been years ago to my own husband. He too suffers from addiction and unfortunately, I did not have God first in my life in order to be able to help him. I was so afraid of his habits and allowed that fear to rule the situation, instead of giving it to God as you do. Now our troubles are multiplied.
Stay strong in God.
I will pray for you and your wife to find your way through this awful time with God's help.
You are a wonderful inspiration of accepting God's will.
anne marie

[Dora]

I am truly touched by your story aj. Thank you for sharing brother. I continue to pray for you and her. Gods will be done.

It's good to hear you are beginning to struggle less through Him. He sure is wonderful isn't He.