Christianity Oasis Forum

[xxJILLxx]

Another touchy subject...

The victim mentality is a self-defeating pattern which does one of two things, or more commonly both together. The victim mentality causes you to think that you cannot make the changes in your life that you desire to make because of others, for reasons that you cannot define, mysteriously "have it out" for you and wish you ill will, and thus they do things to set you back, harm you emotionally, etc.

For some , the victim mentality causes them to feel that some kind of "divine intervention" continuously takes place in their life so that they continually fail even though they are doing the right thing. These people may say negative things like, "God hates me."

So, in short, is the "poor me" and it always lays blame for your own problems on some outside entity. Nothing ever goes right for you, and yet you are rarely to blame for that.

To find out if you are suffering from a victim mentality, observe your stream of consciousness and habits for a little while. Now, ask yourself if you habitually find answers to the following five questions whenever things go wrong for you.

There is only one correct answer to all of these questions. And you probably aren't giving it. The correct answer is, "Because I don't take responsibility for causing most of my own problems." If those five questions always go through your head, and you never blame the man in the mirror, you suffer from victim mentality.

1.Why do other people do me wrong all the time?
2.How could anyone say this is my fault?
3.Why didn't I have the time?
4.Why aren't I lucky?
5.Why don't I ever get what I deserve?

The problem with victim mentality is that it is very often rooted in a real situation where you were slammed by unfortunate circumstances, or you were done wrong by another. But that time is long since dead and gone; yet you have chosen to respond to all obstacles in your path or all misunderstandings or disagreements between you and another in the context of that dead and gone time. Thus, you have become delusional.

Other prominent root sources of victim mentality include:

1.Negative thinking . You see everything getting worse and always expect the worst, and this in turn very often transforms into a self-fulfilling prophecy whereby you aid and abet yourself in crimes against yourself.

2.Low self esteem. You wish, of course, to get all that you "deserve". But somewhere in your emotions, you strongly feel that you really DON'T deserve these things you wish for. This is quite often guilt about something. But when you feel guilty it is not your "sins" that you hate; it's your self..

3.Co-dependency behavior. You have become attached to another person who really does abuse you, but they also know how to play upon your weaknesses and thus they "confirm" your worst feelings and fears about yourself or life. You, in turn, give them energy from yourself that they never earn because you believe they signify "what's real". This often is the case in a bad marriage that one or both people remain in.

HOW TO OVERCOME THE VICTIM MENTALITY

Begin by building self esteem, It is a wonderful feeling to be reminded of your good qualities; one that can carry you through difficult times, improve your a confidence and make you feel more sure of yourself. You will need to re-condition yourself to feel that you deserve what you wish for. The best way to start with doing this is to get more involved in something that you know for a fact you are good at, no matter how "small" it is. Also read books and practice what they tell you are ways to success, no matter how difficult they are at first.

Take responsibility for your life. Decide to do something about your negative feelings, misplaced or inappropriate anger, resentment, and feelings of helplessness. Use any technique to heal your past wounds and let go of these emotions. Say to yourself until you hear it in your sleep, "If it's to be, it's up to me."

Take assertiveness training to begin to stand up for yourself. Once you learn how to stand up for yourself and able to say what's on your mind clearly and calmly, many positive changes result: others will give you more respect and consider you capable of more responsibility , you are treated with more respect within relationships and you feel much better about yourself.

If you find that you are a co-dependent, start by breaking your family roles and learn to set boundaries. Your attitudes emanate from you and communicate to the subconscious minds of those around you.

We have to stop thinking that being a victim is a victimless crime. Don't be a victim of yourself.

Any thoughts?

God bless
♥Jill

[Dora]

Good words. Thank you Jill.

Very good words.

[xxJILLxx]

Amen sister! I am learning and want to share with all what I am learning.

Another way to eliminate your victim mentality is to take a moment to put your problems and fears into perspective. Comparing your predicament with people whose lives are much harder and less fortunate than your own is an excellent wake up call for your victim mentality. Gaining a sense of gratitude for the many blessings in your life is essential for appreciating the many gifts you have.

Gratitude may seem like a hard task in view of our past hurts, especially if we have been treated badly by people we loved and trusted. However, allowing ourselves to focus on betrayals and cruelty only serves to keep us stuck in a victim mentality. In order to break free from this we need to learn to forgive. Remember that forgiveness does not necessarily mean we condone others' actions against us. We forgive primarily for ourselves, not for others. Forgiveness releases us and unburdens our soul and it severs the link we hold with the person who treated us badly. Their power over us is broken. Forgiveness is vital if we wish to eliminate our victim mentality and move forward in our lives.

God bless
♥Jill

[Deepsi]

Wow, Jill ... Amen, and amen! Thank you (and the Holy Spirit) for sharing this with us!

How can we allow God to work in OUR lives and mold us into who we are supposed to be if we don't first take ownership of what WE have done?

Good read ... everyone--READ IT!

[ciny]

amen Jill thanks for shring this we do have to take resposability of what we have done to others it is part of repentance for what we have done this is why God is working in my life noe because i have decided to clean
out my house from atic to the basment and in between.
that is to ask God to forgive me and cleans me and forgive those who treepassed against me and dont keep holding on to it hard one forme
thanks again for sharing this it is very helpful.
God bless

[Mackenaw]

Hello Jill and Everyone

God bless you this day.

Another interesting read, and most of the thoughts shared in the text, I do agree with to a point; however, it doesn't mention God as the One Who will fix what is ailing us. In fact, it doesn't mention God at all, except as an example of someone blaming God.

We do have to be willing, and have hope and faith in The Lord Jesus, that He Who has begun a good work in us, will complete it. Thank You Jesus.

Recognizing that we have a tendency towards self-pity and a "victim mentality" is but a beginning. A good beginning, but the cure truly must come from Him. Whenever man sets out to cure his own ailments, they are but temporary if we do not understand that all good things come from God; therefore, we need to apply His principles and love to receive a permanent cure. God is the permanent Cure!!!

He anoints my head with oil. Praise God!!! Hallelujah!!!

Psalm 103:1-6
Bless the Lord, O my soul and all that is within me, bless His holy name.
Bless the Lord, O my soul, and forget not all His benefits:
Who forgiveth all thine iniquities; Who healeth all thy diseases;
Who redeemeth thy life from destruction; Who crowneth thee with lovingkindness and tender mercies;
Who satisfieth thy mouth with good things; so that thy youth is renewed like the eagle's.
The Lord executeth righteousness and judgment for all that are oppressed.

The following part of the sharing, gave me pause:

Begin by building self esteem, It is a wonderful feeling to be reminded of your good qualities; one that can carry you through difficult times, improve your a confidence and make you feel more sure of yourself. You will need to re-condition yourself to feel that you deserve what you wish for. The best way to start with doing this is to get more involved in something that you know for a fact you are good at, no matter how "small" it is. Also read books and practice what they tell you are ways to success, no matter how difficult they are at first.

Again, it's not about how good we are, but how Good God Is!!! We can read all the self-help books out there, and learn how to be successful in this world, and who knows, we just might become really successful in the ways of the world. But...in the end, we might also be further away from God than when we started out.

God's Word describes us accurately.

I Corinthians 1:26-31
26For ye see your calling, brethren, how that not many wise men after the flesh, not many mighty, not many noble, are called:

27But God hath chosen the foolish things of the world to confound the wise; and God hath chosen the weak things of the world to confound the things which are mighty;

28And base things of the world, and things which are despised, hath God chosen, yea, and things which are not, to bring to nought things that are:

29That no flesh should glory in his presence.

30But of him are ye in Christ Jesus, who of God is made unto us wisdom, and righteousness, and sanctification, and redemption:

31That, according as it is written, He that glorieth, let him glory in the Lord.


Believing what God says about us, and how much He loves us cannot and will not compare to what and how people describe us. They in no way can be compared, because what God says about us is Truth and Light, and what most people say about us is from an heart tainted by sin and death.

Jilly, I thank you for sharing this with us. The messages do get us to thinking and sharing thoughts. I like that.

God bless and keep you, All
Love,
Mack

[Jonelle]

Thanks Macknew for that, I think I finally understand what forgiveness is all about.

[xxJILLxx]

Hello everyone,

Thank u all for the responses!

Very Truthful points there mack! As i have stated I am in this learning process as well. Just thumbing my way through it. So ALL insight and corrections are welcome so i can continue to poke and pry into my life and others can do the same.

Let us learn together shall we?

Recognizing that we have a tendency towards self-pity and a "victim mentality" is but a beginning. A good beginning, but the cure truly must come from Him.

Indeed!!!

Ok here look at this,

Lets seperate these and examine

Winner:
1. What have I got; 2. Makes thing happen; 3. How can I become; 4. Looks at the positive; 5. Finds ways; 6. Acknowledges responsibility; 7. Takes guidance; 8. Sees always wins ahead; 9. Listens more; 10. Creates goals for him/herself; 11. Learns from mistakes; 12. Forgives; 13. Long distance runner, patient; 14. Favors.

Victim:
1. What havent I got; 2. Waits for things to happen; 3. Why cant I?; 4. Focuses on the faults; 5. Finds excuses; 6. blames others; 7. Knows all; 8. Sees always looses ahead; 9. Talks more; 10. Creates obstacles for him/herself; 11. Looses from mistakes; 12. Holds a grudge; 13. Short distance runner, burns out; 14. Blames.


This list says alot, it gives you a clear idea what is the essence in the difference of a winner and victim. When we make the mistake in our lives to become a victim. We think that because we had a bad past it was necessary to feel sorry for ourselves, and because of our bad past other people should feel sorry for us 24/7. We think that if people just felt enough sorry for us that our emotional pain would go away. "If only I could get a person in my life that would listen to my story about my bad past and just feel sorry enough for me, then everything would get better."

When things just got worse we blamed the people in our lives for not fulfilling their task of feeling sorry for us. We crave for this idealized person that would feel so sorry for me and solve all my problems. The fact is that no one is capable of feeling enough sorry for a person, simply because there is no person in the world that can make things better But there is a God who can, make things better that is.

Are we willing to let Him?
I believe this is part of LETTING GO and LET GOD.

Let's face it, empathy has never cured any personal or mental problems in anyone ever. My opinion is that I think empathy triggers our "behavior mirrors". That is if you get empathy from others you start to act the victim role and you start to feel worse because you want to reflect this idea that person has of you as being a HUGE victim. So with every person that feels sorry for you, your victim role is strengthened and with it you throw away any responsibility for your own emotions and behavior.

Everything you try to achieve in this victim "mode" is doomed to failure because you have to proof for yourself constantly that you are so much a victim that everything fails and then you have one more thing to feel sorry for yourself about and that strengthens even more the victim inside you.

A downward spiral, if I may, right in the center of this "tunnel vision". But if we keep spiraling down and others are showing empathy for the downward spiral we are not neering the light of tunnel, are we? We need to direct those who suffer from this victim mentality to the light a the end of tunnel and not play into their victim mentality.

Any thoughts?

Love Yall!
God bless
♥Jill

[Mackenaw]

Hello Jill

God bless you this day.

Jill, I think I know you well enough to know you don't want insincere responses and thoughts shared here. So, I'm gonna be very honest.

While this is another interesting read, it too lacks something...the presence of God, by way of Holy Spirit inspiration.

Prior to my deep and abiding relationship with The Holy Spirit, I was a huge consumer of worldly "Self-Help" books and articles -- gobbling them down faster than an Happy Meal from McDonalds. I got real good at applying their principles into my life, and even managed to achieve some worldly success. But, my heart turned hard and cold towards others -- believing I didn't really need anyone else, and quite frankly, believing that most didn't measure up to my standards or achievements. As sad as it is to admit, during my most arrogant years, I was also a Born Again Christian.

We can achieve worldly success -- be it financially, in worldly confidence and/or standing, etc., and yet be absolutely miserable and feel like a victim, because Satan seeks to steal, kill and destroy anything that belongs to God. Plus, if we are out of God's will, God will turn up the heat too, because He loves us and has His own plan and purpose for our life.

Spiritual warfare!!!

I researched this Article, which you presented here, and the one prior, which confirmed what I was Spiritually discerning ...neither of them are from Christian sources.

The two "lists" -- one entitled Winner, the other... Victim: The Winner list bothered me, because it read more like bullet points in a brochure or ad compaign -- promoting one businesses' services to another. The Victim list was predictable.

I prefer the way, laid out for us, in His Word -- It has all the eternal answers.

God bless and keep you, Jill.
Love,
Mack

[xxJILLxx]

Hello mack,

Thank you for honesty sister. For without Truth how do we learn what is false, right?

Tonite i was preparing dinner. I was preparing one of those complete meals in a box. I read the directions and prepared the food as directed. Now my oldest may say "Mom what are you making? That?"

Why is it that when you make a meal out of a "Box" and you make it from scratch, to some persons the meal would not be good enough to eat, to others any nuritionment, im just hungry!

And as you have stated the articles are lacking in some respect. They lack a bit of salt and pepper. Without God the article in itself is not going to help anyone, so yes i agree mackles. And to those who are more seasoned they take and let Holy Spirit add to the ingredients. But to those who are babes in Christ they may not get that and we need to make sure we add that in there for them.

As i read the articles Holy Spirit is working in me, showing me things through their words. As i interpret the sentences i now understand that some may not make the same interpretation of these words.

For example lets look at this list and how Holy Spirit interprets it for me will be in parenthesis,

Winner:
1. What have I got; (Gratitude for the things He gives us)
2. Makes thing happen; (Through my faith in God ALL things are possible)
3. How can I become; (more of what He made me to be)
4. Looks at the positive;(God being the positive factor here, turn towards Him)
5. Finds ways; (seeks HIs ways)
6. Acknowledges responsibility;(looks within, with guidance of Holy Spirit)
7. Takes guidance; (takes the road of Truth that He guides me down)
8. Sees always wins ahead; ( If i have God on my side, no way i can lose)
9. Listens more; (Stops and confers with God and what He is saying)
10. Creates goals for him/herself; (To become a better Christ follower)
11. Learns from mistakes; (Dont look back, keep looking toward the win... HIM)
12. Forgives; (practicing forgiveness )
13. Long distance runner, patient; ( Relying on Him for our drink, food and our energy)
14. Favors. (looks for Him in all situations)

Now, the boxed meal is complete... the smell through my home is good, yes i taste, it is good for nourishment ( gots lots of vitamins) BUT we cannot forget to add the "salt" . Some do it without thinking twice, while others need that guidance on what ingredients to add to where. .

By the way... the boxed meal? It was pretty good and the kids devoured it!

God bless
♥Jill

[vahn]

THERE'S NO OTHER GOD BUT GOD , ONE AND ONLY ONE

We all (Christians) know that right ? But ... Do all Christians know that , The Bible , Torah and the Quran , ALL say the very same thing ?
The statement , taken separately , we don't find absolutely nothing wrong , in fact , we (Christians) are in absolute agreement with it . However , to the unknowing , if we were , say , we tell them the statement came from the Torah , it's like "WOAH , Wait - a - minute !! " to both the Christian and the Muslim right ? And we can use any combination thereof , telling the Jew it came from Bible so on and so forth ... The reaction would be expected to be the same right ? Why ?
It is the belief of the content or intent of what follows the statement mentioned above , that some have preference in . Does that make the statement wrong ? No , the statement remains and will remain the same .

PAUL , second Corinthians 3

v4 ; We dare say these good things ...ONLY BECAUSE of our great trust in God THROUGH Christ . .....
v5; ... Our ONLY power and success comes from God .
v6 ... The Old way (or secular), trying to be saved by keeping the Ten Commandments , ends in death , the new way , The Holy Spirit , gives Life .

v7; Yet the old system of law (ten commandments) that (eventualy) led to death began with glory ... for as Moses gave them God's law to obey, his face shown out of the very glory of God.
v8; Shall we not expect far greater glory in these days when the Holy Spirit is giving life?

How can the same thing (the law) be of God and kill us at the same time? The law in itself is not bad, but by itself it kills us.

Before i clauber this whole message, in plain English (mine) it says the ten commandments where not bad and still are not to this day. But take them by themselves Paul was telling us that it was going to lead us to death. He is also telling us, UNLESS we add the Holy Spirit to it we are doomed to die.

How can one know what he is being saved from unless he is captured first?

Solution by itself will do nobody good unless they know they have a problem first.
Talk about the problem would do them no good either, i would not listen unless they give me a solution. Then i will listen.

So as far as the article above is concerned, the article is telling me what my problem is and how i got there. what lacks is the SOLUTION.

Sponser says, who cares how the donkey got in the mud. Just get them out of there.

My response was, i dont even have a donkey, what are u talking about?

He said , the reason u are not seeing the donkey is cause it is burried in the mud.

in Christ, our Lord

[vahn]

It is only obvious that I am in total agreement with what our sister Mackenaw reply(s) , however , don't get me wrong as if I am saying the context Jill put the issue as is wrong either .

In my journey of working with seemingly "distraught" brothers and sisters in Christ , I almost always come across "Poor me , why me , I musta done ... , I don't deserve ..." you get the picture . My answer to them is , naturally , "Why is it that everything or every time something goes 'wrong' , so to speak , HAS to be your fault ?" , after a brief ping-pong game of the enemy this and they did that stuff , the discussion ALWAYS ended with , "Hey listen , just because the enemy attacks it does not mean I can't fight him back, ok ? "
"Now how am I to fight him back ? and with what ?" I got to be asked , and that is when I discovered that my arm can act independently and reach to my head and start scratching it , and at the same time my mouth is saying "Good question !!" (hey it beats saying I don't know) .
So , determined to "find" answers , I first say "How about we continue this session next week ok ?" and I dash to the library with record speed , get to the proper isle , and now I'm dizzy , I mean THE WHOLE ISLE IS FULL OF "ANSWERS!!!" , ok , back to the office , crank up IE and on the bottom of the screen in cute little boxes it reads "pages from 1 to ten thousand ten" !
Execute plan C vahn .. Sponsor , "Did you ever think that when there are so many "answers" as there are people , implies that NOBODY has the answer ? AND what did our Lord say about that ? 'why are you looking for Me here and there , while the Kingdom lies within you ? Why don't you look inside ?"

So , just like sister Mack , mentioned , I had this attitude of well if it ain't in the Big Book it ain't AA , I looked and saw how limited in my Spiritual life I had been , I HAD to go beyond that . Back to my sponsor (who by the way in his typical grin on face which I hated) sez "Bin waitin fur you" and without even giving me the chance to ask the question sez, "ALL the answers for you problems are in the Bible"
That was 11 years ago , and the Book has not been closed yet !!

They (His disciples even) asked our Lord , in affect , let us suppose one man sins , should his offspring pay the price ? And what if the son sins ? should his father pay the ransom for him ?"
I can just see the look on our Lord's face , "What are you talking about ?"
Yep it IS in the Bible ... Look it up!

Your only a victim of your OWN thoughts!

"As man thinketh so is he"
If i think I am a victim i become one, if i think I am a victor I become one. BUT I am only a victor in Christ, without whom I am nothing.



In Christ , our Lord