Christianity Oasis Forum

[Guest]

I am writing my feeling down so that I can be FREE of my fears, shame and guilt. I am 37 years old and I just realized that my father, my sister, my brother, and other friends of my family have continually violated me sexually and mentally through out my life. I have always felt that I wasn't good enough to be here on this earth and I have always isolated myself from building close relationship with anyone.

I don't remember much about about my childhood besides that I was always fighting to stay happy and welcomed. I didn't fit in at school and I didn't feel accepted at home. I was told often that I was a liar, ugly, stupid, and unlovable most of my life. My mother also passed away when I was in 10th grade from cancer. I feel without the hope of God and basketball I would of lost hope for my life.

I've had many accomplishments in my life which includes my dream of playing basketball through college, graduate from college with a Bachelors and Masters Degree, and also have two beautiful children but I was not married. I was running from God on and off for along time. I start going back to church and I had a strong desire for more for my life. I always felt that I could never love a man completely but I begin to desiring this more and more. I met my husband within a year of praying for a husband. We are now married and have five children together. I love him so much and I thank God for allowing me the privilege to be his wife, best friend, and his lover. I really never thought that I could love anyone on this earth like I love him. We have been married for almost 4 years.

I begin this journey of the truth after I married my husband, Kelly. I feel so safe with him and I was able to start a process of being honest with myself and him. I had a strong desire to become a better person for God, myself, my husband, and my children.

Then HELL broke loose and I started having nightmares and having flashbacks after watching certain movies or after listening to certain music. I also would begin to become childlike when I felt rejected by my husband. He gets so overwhelmed with all that has happened to me before he met me. He gets angry and says things to me out of anger that makes me feel like a victim again. I would rock and isolate myself from him and my children. I would become very angry with myself, God, and my husband. I have also started getting so angry that I have a desire to hurt myself or just die. I want the pain out of my body and I sometimes just don't understanding why I am feeling the way I do. I don't want to hurt myself but I sometimes hit my arms, my legs, and scratch myself because I don't know what else to do with the frustration, anger, and low self-worth.

I feel in my heart that I just hid from my pain and suffering for so long that I just get too overwhelmed with my emotions that I just want it to be gone. I feel like I have two personalities and one person being strong and successful and the other weak, fragile, low self-worth, and ashamed and full of guilt.

I know God has been revealing the TRUTH. Recently, GOD has told me to close the door from interacting with my family so that he can work on my self-worth. I am really struggling with this because I always picture my family being really close but it was a false sense of security for me. They don't think that they ever did anything wrong and I feel pressure every time I am around them. Do anyone have any suggestion on how to handle my family? Should I tell them I am cutting off my communication with them or just limit my interaction with them?

I really thank God for this support group and counseling. I am able to apply God words to my life and gain freedom from feeling not worthy. I feel GOD can do all things and that old things are past away. I just need support on this journey of being TRANSFORMED to being the person God always intended me to be. I am learning just from taking the steps of healing from incest that I can have peace when I FULLY trust in GOD. It gets overwhelm still and I still have anger in me that I am unaware of at times. I am trying to be in tune to myself so that can stop my emotions from getting out of control as soon as possible.

God is my best friend and he has always been right there by my side. I just want to continue to learn more about his LOVE for me so that I can love others as he called me to do. I love serving him and helping other people but I am learning to do the same for myself.

I forgive my family members, teachers, ex-boyfriends, and myself for all the wrong and painful things that they did and I did to myself. I know GOD doesn't want me to remember everything because it too painful so I must trust in him to guide me each day on how to live my life with love, peace, forgiveness, and joy. I must learn to LIVE one day at a time and give my life to GOD TOTALLY.

This is the ending of my first time sharing and I believe with all my heart that I want all my darkness to be placed in the light so that I be free from bondage so please help me on this journey. I know in my heart I have a big problem with TRUSTING others. I am taking a leap of faith and learning to embrace others love and encouragement.

[mlg]

Hi Eline, Welcome to the Oasis. We are so glad God has lead you here to start the healing process...you so deserve the healing Eline and I know you've been through much...but God loves you very much and He wants to help you to push past the past and move forward into the life He has waiting for you...a beautiful plan He already has planned out for you.

Praying for you Eline...I know you can do this...God will be with you every step of the way.

Take care and God Bless

[Dora]

Hello Eline

Wow you have come such a long way already!! You should be pleased with the progress you've gotten behind you.

I know you will love this program and where it will take you spiritually.

About your family. As Christians we are all made brothers and sisters. Your family is your for just a short time, then your Christian family is your true family. For eternity. I'll be your sister and you'll be my sister forever. Sounds great to me! Which family is a truer family? The one that lasts the short time we are here on earth or the one that is eternal?

I let go of my family and the abuse. Even to the point of not seeing my dad when he was very ill until the day he died. I went to the hospital to see him. People have laid the guilt on me heavy about this but I knew for me and my children I had to get out of the abuse. I don't regret it.

They are sick and need healing. Some things you could say to them is, "If you talk to me that way I won't be hanging around here." or "I'll be back when you start treating me like I deserve." Don't wait for a response, just leave. And Know you do deserve better! They'll spit and sputter and cut you down and even possibly send others to tell you how wrong you are. But who cares. No one deserves to be treated that way just because they are family.

You have accomplished some wonderful things despite your struggles. That's terrific. And what is even more terrific is you have stayed close to Jesus.

Continue to build that relationship with Him. Get to know Him even closer. He's already begun the healing process and He will complete it. It is fabulous you have been able to forgive. Have you forgiven yourself as well? Even though you did no wrong to deserve the abuse our abusers make sure we feel it is our fault at times.

When you trust God completely with the past the anger will completely fade.

[Guest]

Thanks for the responses today because I needed encouragement to help me continue my path of recovery. I feel blessed because I do have a personal relationship with GOD. I feel through this whole situation, I've been hard on myself than anyone. I am second guessing myself when it comes to my family because they are very sneaky when it comes to putting me down and making me second guess myself. I know that I am better off with out them in my life but it still hurts.

I know that is why I don't have self-worth because I haven't completely forgiven myself because my confidence in myself is missing. They have made many side gesture to me but then on the other hand acting like they are supporting me and we have a great relationship. IT is FAKE. I can see that now. They are lost and my sister has a lot of jealousy, controlling behavior and tries to manipulate me to do what she wants me to do. I finally can see what it really is. That is why I need time away from them so that I can be completely healed from self-hatred and low self-worth. I am so tired of going on the emotional roller coaster with myself.

I do believe that GOD is healing me and that things are getting better so I must be patient with myself. I've had a hard day today. I felt my emotions going up and down again. I am not quite sure why I was this way but I am wanting to just be by myself and not around my husband or children.

I am just going to avoid contact with my family and I think they know I am changing and that they are losing control over me. They are looking at me like I am being controlled by my husband and trying to convince me he is jealous of my relationship with my family. I don't buy that. I am hoping that I am stronger soon so that I can get off this roller coaster of EMOTIONS.

Thanks again for the support. I will wake up tomorrow with a new DAY. I am just looking forward to what GOD has next for my family and I. I know this is just a temporary situation that I must press through or it will KILL ME emotionally.


GOOD NIGHT and GOD BLESS

[mlg]

Amen and God's mercies are new everyday....you know forgiving yourself will make a huge change in you and really help you with the healing process...I will pray for you on this...and may you work on this with the love of God and let go and let God.

See you tomorrow.

GBU

[Dora]

Yes keep pressing through...you are strong.

Pray for your family. That God will grow them too. That they will begin to let go of their desire to control.

One day when the land is healed you may be able to return. Maybe for brief moments at first. As you all begin to learn how to live together as a family.

It is possible. Through Him. This is only temporary.

God bless and keep you.

Prayers remain.