Christianity Oasis Forum

[Guest]

Hi again;
Well, this is one day / subject I wish I could end in my life, but I never succeeded. This one is going to be a bit long, so please forgive me. This will contain some of my life's history, so please be patient with me. Some fact I later found out during my life.

I was born 20 February 1975. My real parents or mother immediately gave me up for adoption. There is no records on file as to who my real parents was, only who adopted me.

2 Weeks or so after my birth, my adoptive father's father, my grandfather, who was a full fledged Satanist, Free Mason, and Witchdoctor, sacrificed me to Satan in some sort of ceremony, to kill people when I am older.

We moved allot while me and my sister was growing up, we went to every church imaginable. We also one time almost joined a nunnery, but because of me and my father we as a family could not join. Every six month's or so to another town, another school etc. I never had any self-image, I could not perform at sport, in school, or anything, and my parents always told me that I will never amount to anything. I will never have anything. I will just cause trouble and pain to everyone I know. This moving, continued up to when I was 15. We then stayed in a town called Welkom in the Free State. I was always bullied, ridiculed by peers and teachers alike. I never had any friends. I tried smoking to gain friends but not even that worked. Everyone always did everything better than me, was stronger, popular, needed, wanted and I had a real hard time dealing with that. I even wet my bed until age 17.

When I was 16, my dad introduced me, my sister and mother to the world of pornography. He came with the idea that he wanted us all to become nudists. He forced us to do stuff to each other. My mother was very overweight, and that made things all the more horrible for her and me. I won't go into detail, but it came down to that my dad and mom molested me, and my dad raped my sister.

My father then lost his job at the mine he was working at, and we had to go live on a place for homeless people that we here in South Africa call a mission. My sister then met another man while staying there, they ran away, and got married on another mission. They then moved back to Odendaalsrus, outside which this mission I was staying on with my parents was situated. I then ran away and went to stay with my sister and her husband.

When the school came to know that I am staying with my sister, they informed the Welfare and they took me away. After they learned that my dad actually molested me etc, they took me away and put me in a Place of Safety until I appeared in Court and I was sent to a Children's Home in Klerksdorp at age 16.

That was even more hell. More embarrassing, due to my lack of self esteem, wetting my bed, no ability to make friends etc. You can imagine what that was like. So, seeing as I was one of the oldest kids, I had my own room. I then resorted to cutting myself to deal with my emotional pain. I preferred physical pain, more than emotional pain. This continued until about 3 or 4 years back.

I there also started numerous suicide attempts, but God forbade that for some reason. I always say that scripture that say God will put the punishment of the fathers onto the 3rd and 4th generation of children, as my curse. I was punished for the sins of my parents.

Well, at age 19, I just started Grade 12, and because I was no longer underage, I was given the opportunity to choose if I wanted to complete my year in school, or do I want to sign myself out. I made the choice to leave, although I did not have anywhere to go to, or any money for that matter. I only had the few clothing that I possessed. I packed up and left for Durban, a city at the beach, which I always thought was the best place to be, because that is where the money, and fun always is, or so I thought. How quickly I was jerked out of my misconceptions!!!

So after about 3 weeks on the road, no place to sleep, hungry, disoriented I arrived in my city of dreams. I was shunned, ridiculed even more, because I was dirty, stinking, and afraid of people. As stated before, I had no place to go to, no money, no friends; I then had to start surviving. I scrounged around in dustbins, eating other people's leftovers, chewed off bones from chicken people threw away. I drank molten milkshakes etc. I slept on the streets, wherever I could find a spot away from the cold and wind, because I quickly learned, that no matter how hot it is outside, if you have not been able to take a bath for a week, you are always cold, and I was so cold at times I wish I could die!!! That style of living continued for 2 and a half months. An Indian hooker actually took me in to sleep on the floor of her 2 x 3 meter room one night. She was smoking pot / weed, and mixing it with mandrax, she got so stoned that she fell forward with her face into the bottom of the broken bottle that she used as a pipe. I got such a fright I ran away as I thought she was dead.

A passerby then suggested I go to the Ark, a Mission on the edge of the harbor. I went there and had a shower and a real plate of food for the first time in about just over 3 months. It was awesome. After 2 months staying there, a guy came looking for a cleaner to clean his club after closing at night. I got the part time job.

Now after 2 nights, the guy thought it was to far and to dangerous for me to walk all the way to the Bluff (the area at the edge of the harbor where this mission is situated), and suggested that I come and stay in his flat, as he was staying with his girlfriend. I agreed and well that is where I stayed and worked. After 2 weeks I asked this man if he can pay me for my work for that 2 weeks, as I wanted to go back to Welkom as I wanted to go sort things out with my parents. (I always have this thing in the back of my head that all that happened while at home was my fault as I disappointed my parents, failed them and was an embarrassment to them since I was born). Well, he refused, and so that night, I rummaged through his drawers and took 2 rings and a watch, which I took and thought I would sell on the street to pay for food on my way back to Welkom. Another shock awaited me, as I was hiding in another club, but the owners obviously know each other and I was arrested 20 min after going into that club.

I was in court the next day, and I pleaded guilty, as I figured, there is no point in lying, I did steal from this man, and I was willing to face up to the crime. This guy was made out to be the hurt little maiden as he opened his heart to help me, and then me; this horrible monster threw his kindness back into his face. The charge brought in against me was Theft of Jewelry to the value of R40 000,00. (I later found out that the stuff I took was fakes, the real stuff was in a safe in a bank). But nonetheless, I was sentenced to 1 year imprisonment under the law of Correctional Services. Meaning, if I behaved while in prison, I might stand a chance to come out under Correctional Supervision. I was sent to the Westville Correctional Facility outside Durban.

I heard about prison as a child, teenager, and I were so horrified to find out the truth about life in prison. I am so grateful that I am almost 2 meters tall, but it was really the grace of God that protected me!!!!

When you are just into the prison, you are placed into a communion cell which contains about 40 to 50 inmates. You only have a little mat to sleep on, and one little blanket. At night, I did not sleep; I just lay flat on my back, and watched the people around me, as they were systematically raping the young and weak guys, while everyone was watching. A few guys pinned one guy to the ground, while another guy raped this poor soul. The wardens were all aware of what was going on, but nobody was willing to do anything. I thank God that they did not touch me. I just waited until daytime when we were let out into the courtyard where I sat in the sun and slept, because tonight I had to stay awake again!!!

After 2 weeks, I heard that I can apply to go up to the single cells, but it rarely happened. Only the most dangerous guys were given that chance. Well, I applied anyway and it was approved. I was transferred to the single cells and had my own cell, I really felt like a celebrity for about 5 minutes. One of the guys, called Moody Meyer sort of took me under his wing and protected me. Yes I had to do some of his cleaning but not regularly. I survived there for 3 months. I then heard about this "Pastor" who ran a house in a city called Pietermaritzburg close to Durban that took in guys that was due for parole or Correctional Supervision. The one warden helped me to post a letter to this Pastor, asking if he could take me in. He came to see me a few days later, and so 2 weeks later I was released into this Pastor's care.

The house was an old house, 3 stories, probably built in the 18 / 1900s. We were now 8 guys living in this house. One of the guys, Thomas, shared a room with this pastor. The one colored guy, Sheldon, invited me to go with him the following day to the Academy of Learning where he was studying. I went and was introduced to this principle. She allowed the guys from this house we were staying in, who wanted to, to study at her facility for free. I immediately joined. It was in 1995. I got my first taste of PCs there, as I started studying Intro to Computers, which were Windows 95 and MSDOS.

Once again my "Curse" came into play as 2 months later, one day after studying, me and Sheldon went home, and found all the other guys outside. Nobody went inside. Only the guy Thomas, who was sharing the room with the Pastor, was inside and he tried to kill anyone who dared to enter. The Pastor also was missing. We slept on the street that evening and went to the Correctional Offices the following day. We reported everything and after a short investigation, it was discovered that this so-called "Pastor" was actually gay. Thomas was his partner in bed, but, for Thomas's services in bed, the "Pastor" bought him drugs. The previous day, the "Pastor" could not get any drugs, and due to withdrawal symptoms, Thomas lost his mind and tried to kill everyone. I was given the following 2 options: (A) I go back to prison, as I had 8 months of my sentence left. (B) I could go work on a sort of Camp for Children, kind of like a Summer Camp that you guys have over in the USofA. Only it is just like for 2 weeks at a time.

I choose option B, but I have numerous times thought I would have had a better life if I chose option A. I was taken to this Camp and I was treated worse than a dog.

I was responsible for cleaning up after the kids and making a fire for the boiler for their showers. I was not allowed to be seen, noticed, use any facilities only a broken toilet. I was given the scraps left by the kids to eat. This camp ground was situated in a valley with lots of trees. Very little sunshine and lots of rain. I was very wet, cold and hungry for those 8 months until my sentence was done. They just let me go, and I had to walk about 60 km to get back to the Correctional Offices to do the final paperwork.

I went to check out the House and found Sheldon and some of the other guys still staying there. The House was officially closed but they were still allowed to stay there as long as they paid the Water and Electricity. Well I stayed there for 2 days and decided to go look for my parents and sort things out. Sheldon said he want to go back to his mom and family as well. We left together and decided to first go to his mom outside Roodepoort close to Johannesburg in the Gauteng Province. Then from there we would go look for my parents in Welkom in the Free State. We were at that stage in Natal.

We spent about 2 months on the road, as we were looking bad, did not have money, transport so we walked to Roodepoort. We spent 2 weeks there, and then we walked to Welkom which took us almost a month. After a day we found my parents and they agreed to give me a "2nd chance" as my dad put it. Sheldon was not even allowed to sleep on the Living room floor, he had to leave immediately. It was the last time I ever saw him.

My dad had his own small shop, fixing radios, hi fi's, TVs etc. He was always into electronics. I had to go buy parts when he needed it, make collections and deliveries where possible. After 2 weeks I went out the Saturday night. My parents gave me a few bucks for working at the shop. Before I left I was told that I must help my dad carry a few radios that he was working on at home to the shop that Sunday. I got sloshed as it was my first time out, and I only had like 2 beers. Got a girl's phone nr and address and was invited to come visit that Sunday. I overslept, woke up with a big headache, and found my parents gone already. So I went to visit that girl. When I got home that evening, my parents told me to pack my bags and leave the following day and never come back again. They never want to hear from me, or see me again. So I left.

I went to this Girl, stayed with her for a while. Then she asked me to marry her, as her parents said I must marry her if I want to be with her. I then one day while looking for a job, spoke to another girl, family of my girl saw me and I was kicked out. So I went and stayed on a mission. I met a guy there that suggested we leave together and look for our fortune together. As we traveled, we went through a town called Parys, the South African Version of Paris, only in a very small scale with no Eifel Tower. The only thing they can brag about is some very big cows. I got a job as a Night Shift security and Reception at this Holiday Resort. Worked there for about 8 months. While working there I met a guy, he worked in at an Engineering Company and said he might be able to organize me a job at that company and he will let me know. Now what are the chances of that happening? Well a few months later he did phone, and he arranged for me to be collected and brought to Alberton where he stayed. He paid for my lodging for 2 months in advance at the Boarding House where we stayed and I got a job at the Engineering Comp. I worked there for a year.
Later in that year I spoke to my boss as I was very down. I told him I want to find my parents and sort things out. He said he have a friend that is like a Private Investigator. He specialized in finding people. I gave him all the details I had and a few months later this guy came back to me and just gave me a number of a lady at the Welfare Dept in Welkom. It turned out that he could not find them, but this lady told me that the Viljoen's actually adopted me as a baby and there is no record on file as to who my real parents was. I was so devastated; I resigned and became a car-guard. I spent the next 9 months of my life, looking after people's cars, and saving all or most of my money to go drink on a weekend. I stayed in a hotel room, lived on Steers burgers, and on weekends I drank myself into a stupor. I met a girl and we just came together for the sex. I ended up fighting with one of my co-guards and we were given the choice to fight or work. We both decided to fight and were told to leave.
I met this guy that organized me the job in Alberton in the first place. He said he is on his way to Pretoria where I am still staying. We went to stay at an Aunt of this guy. On our way to her, my glasses broke. She actually took me to the Eye Institute in Pretoria and paid for new glasses for me. It was far more advanced than the Bottle bottoms I previously wore. Then that lady's family decided that it is unsafe for her to stay alone with 2 jobless young men. We had to be out within 2 weeks.
I got a job as Night Shift security and reception at a hotel. Worked there for about 3 months and started going to a church. I told the Pastor I need to get to a place where I can sort out my life and focus on God. He suggested I go to a place here in Pretoria; you stay there and participate in a 1 Year Life Skills Course. You had to attend a meeting every morning and then either work in the recycling dump or help with the cleaning in the dormitories. I worked with the cleaning crews. By the end of that year I even prayed with the one lecturer for the people that came out for prayer. The one day, we stood in the front and prayed for people. The next person that came to me was an old black man, with an artificial leg. I asked him, Alfred, what can I pray for, for you? He told me his left ear has been deaf for many years. I first prayed in the spirit and the Holy Spirit told me to lick my finger, rub it in his ear and pray for him. I first thought that this black man is going to give me a smack against the head if I stick my wet finger in his ear so I disobeyed the Holy Spirit. I just prayed for him and he walked away. As he was walking away I asked this lecturer if it was really the Holy Spirit. He asked me if I did what I was led to do. I told him no, and he said that I must go call Alfred. I did, and he explained to Alfred what I must do and he agreed. I first repented for disobeying the Holy Spirit. I then did as I was instructed and prayed for him again, and God opened that man's ear right there and then. God healed his deaf ear completely. I praise God to this day.
Close to the end of that year, I walked through a park in the city, and I saw a notice that someone is going to come hold an outreach there the following Saturday and I decided to go. I went there the following Saturday, and they announced that they were looking for someone to do the sound on their outreaches as the previous sound guy left. I volunteered as I was doing the sound at that stage in church. The lady in charge turned out to be my future Mother in Law. I must admit I first had my eye on my future wife's niece, but she was not interested. So I and my wife hooked up. She came to visit me often and I only went on one outreach, and I then resigned. My mother in law preached, so powerful and prayed so awesome that tears streamed down my face, but afterward some of their kids played a bit too much for her liking and she started swearing them for probably 20 30 min without end. I decided there and then that I will not submit under such authority. My ex still came to visit me and soon after I moved in with her. I was also caught up into pornography and it once more gained the upper hand in my life. I repented numerous times, and confessed and prayed but could not get the victory over it. Then we got married, I was still without a job. My father in-law organized me a job at Metrorail. I went to their college and passed with flying colors. When we came back from the training, and started working they asked me to do stuff we were instructed never to do as it is dangerous. I refused and my father-in-law tried to force me, and they even wanted to send me to a psychiatrist. I refused and resigned. I was then without work for 2 years. I do not have any qualifications, no real experience, and that is still the case. On 07 May 2008 my beautiful daughter was born. Her name is Meűre, She is my pride and joy, and I was never allowed to make any decisions regarding her as it was decided between my wife and her mother. I was not brought into the loop. I have now missed more than 6 months of her life and am now only allowed to see her for 3 hours every second weekend!!!!

I went from church to church seeking help and was chased, judged and just ignored. Everyone just said I must trust God and all will disappear if I can perform enough, do this, do that and all is my responsibility, and I must help myself. Well as I said, I went around seeking help for many years and nobody could. My marriage consisted of me being at home, when not working and that is where I stayed. I did not have any friends for the 10 years I was with my wife. My wife never forgave me for anything, she can tell you day, date and time I ever did anything wrong since we got together and every argument was ended with all the past mistakes I made being brought up. I was not allowed to even talk to another woman, because then I was having an affair. I admit I was addicted to pornography, but I never actually cheated on my wife. I know it does not make it right. Well, in the last 10 years with my wife I got 2 visitors coming to visit me, and it was some of my wife's family. But numerous times when I prayed for my wife or her mother for headaches God healed them. I am confused. Hurt and I don't know what to do anymore!!!! Hence me seeking help on the Internet!!!

To cut a long story short.
I jumped from job to job, and well, I am now 35 and don't even have a driver's license as earn too little to pay for the exams. Last year June we were staying with my wife's parents for more than a year. I could not take it anymore. I went to a church with my wife's brother and then to a cell group. After one meeting I asked the cell leader to pray for me for the pornography as I almost hurt my daughter. He went the next day and told my brother in law and he told my father in law and I was forced to listen for 2 hours how big a piece of crap I am, as well as my worthless upbringing and predecessors and I am so useless etc. I then decided I am leaving and I am not coming back unless I found help and really came to Christ.
I am working at ADT Security now for just over 5 years, and last year they based my annual increase on a poll that was run in the company to find out what people think of me. They gave me a full 2 percent raise. I am not ungrateful but that is ridicules. I am 35 years old, no qualifications, no real experience, and not even a driver's license. So yes it is hard to forgive my self for all the mistakes I made. All I did was make mistakes and wrong choices and today I must pay the price for that. I do not have any family, no real money, as I am placed under Debt Counseling to sort out my debt and I am really tired of not being able to become anything or be anything. I cannot even provide for my baby. I only pay R100 child support as that is all I can afford!!!

Forgive me for the long story, but I need you to also understand where I am coming from!!!

God bless you all.
Andre

[momof3]

Hi aviljoen

My brother, when i read your post today i was reminded of a young boy, young man, actually, who came to stay with my family for a while. He was one of my son's friends. His father had been in and out of prison throughout this young man's life. His mother had died when he was a boy from a drug overdose that his father had supplied to her. This young man stayed with various people and at different group homes while growing up. Throughout his life, when he made a mistake, the people who he was living with would either make him leave, or tell him over and over that he would end up just like his father. He was told this over and over till he believed it. No matter what he did to try to escape or make his life better, or make better decisions, he always heard in the back of his mind that he would end up like his father...worthless, in prison..never amount to anything. I wish i could say that he didnt end up in prison. He did, where he remains to this day. He could never get past the lies he was told about who he is. He was labeled, just as his hurting father was, and thus, according to his own belief, that is who he is. But. God is not finished in this young man's life, nor in his dad's.

The truth is, no man, no thing, defines who you are. No mistake defines who you are. Only God, your creator, defines who you are. Our parents, were vessels used by the Lord to bring us into this world, but He is the One who breathed life into each of us and had a plan for each one of us before He breathed that life into us. It matters not where you have been or what you have done. He is your Father..He is your mother. I see, in your past, a testimony that God will use for His glory. There is nothing you have done that He cannot use in your life to reach someone else or to grow you in His Spirit and will for your life.

You are not defined by this world or anyone in it. You are defined..who you are..is who He is in you...and who He has called you to be. The addiction to pornography can be broken. You must choose to stay away from it. He will break that addiction. You must choose to seek who He created you to be and let the lies that the people who raised you told you..let them go and replace them with the truth. God already uses you through His Holy Spirit. What the world tells you, you must let go of. He is in control and sometimes we allow what we've been told we are become excuses for the things we do, cuz its just what we were born to be..we tell ourselves. That is not truth. He sees you as He created you to be. Now, He wants to show you who He sees you as...through His eyes, through Jesus..His Grace is sufficient for you.

Keep going my brother. Let the Lord's truth sink into your heart. This is a daily thing. A daily process. Keep seeking His truth.

God bless you, my brother and remember, this world is not our home. It is only a temporary place.

in Jesus,
luv momo

[mlg]

avilijoen

Yes, I now understand where you are coming from...but that does not have to define where you are going...see you now have an opportunity to place God where He wants to be in your life. God wants to be first. I know right now you have many worries and cares, but just know that God is in control and He wants to take those from you. What I see missing within you right now is Hope...hope of a better tomorrow...but that my friend is what sustains us in this world. Knowing that when we make it through this life...eternal promises await us. God loves you and He wants to give you good things...He doesn't want you to suffer...but He can't work until you allow Him to do so...and that means placing Him above all people and things in your life. He heals avilijoen...He is still on His throne....His path is the one to follow.

Praying for you.

luv ya

[lizzie]

brother... thank you so much for sharing your heart with us, and your testimony.

I know you are still going thru trials, but just reading your testimony thus far, to this point, gives me, and I am sure anyone who reads it, HOPE.

God has brought you this far, and He will not abandon you now.

What you have suffered through was not in vain. God will use it all for His glory.

All I did was make mistakes and wrong choices and today I must pay the price for that

Your past does not have to determine your future. You must believe that. Yes there are consequences to some of our choices, but we cannot change or undo what was already done. All we can do is use the lessons we learned, and the strength we gained from our past experiences, to make the right choices in our life now.

You have a new beginning in the Lord. Every day is a new chance. Be encouraged.

Jeremiah 29:11 For I know the thoughts that I think toward you, saith the LORD, thoughts of peace, and not of evil, to give you an expected end.

It is a blessing to see you here seeking God's will for your life. Stay in faith and keep focused on the Lord and not on your past, as tough as it may be at times. Look straight ahead and keep moving forward.