A lonely place this side of Eden

[josinella]

Since the youth night, I have been heavy laden with feelings. I have had many talks with God, the tears come easy. But, I put my faith in God knowing that He has a plan in all this. It seems the way He works is a problem comes up that He is directing me to. I see it and discern what my presence should be and I take it to Him in prayer. Of course, He has known about this all along and is just guiding me there. Sometimes, I have to wrestle with my own emotions; I am learning that this is a vulnerability for Satan, and I call out to God for protection while I am sorting. I act on trust after prayer and allow God's spirit to direct me. It is as if He wants me to choose His will, and then He guides me in everyway. I know that this process will get easier with every trial that comes my way, and I will no longer need to sort.

Tonight, I did home visits with the families of youth that were cutting up in class. I took my son with me. We prayed together before we entered homes. As I expected, none of the families knew that their kids were cutting up. I used this as an opportunity to talk about the program and their involvement in the program. I also extended an invitation for the families to come to church on Sunday and visit the youth class when in session so that they could see for themselves how their children were doing. We are also having a hayride in Sunday evening, what a wonderful day to extend an invite. I called upon God's spirit to direct me in what to say. It was a wonderful experience. I was able to hug everyone and share God's love.

This is only part of the equation because I also still have to meet with the leadership team of the church. I see how God is using me and it gives me pleasure to know that I can serve Him. It was an emotional experience because now I know what my youth leaders experienced when I was a kid, and now I am able to do likewise. This is how God is going to integrate the church, one family at a time. I also learned what God wants me to keep confidential and how to witness around that. I feel so empowered by God and I pray that His spirit stays with me, as I know He will, when I speak with the leadership team.

He has made this all possible and all I have to do is put full faith and trust in God, Who will be there to guide, strengthen and protect me. I feel just another step closer to Him.

[mlg]

And tonight I smile...because I see God's perfect plan beginning to come together through you...and what Glory He is gonna get when His plan is finished.

Sis those children have now brought an opening to reach out to their parents with the Word as well. God used those children in order for you to be able to witness to mom and dad. What an awesome blessing for you.

Josinella I see God has a soldier in you. One that just doesn't throw the towel in when the going gets rough...and sis He truly is proud of you and so am I.

God Bless you my dear sister and all that you do for Him.

Keep up the God work sis.

luv ya bunches

[josinella]

I am in awe at how God uses situations to speak to me and answer questions that I have about His purpose with me, without me even asking. Through the events of the last few days, God has allowed me to see areas of concern:

1. Some Christians tend to become complacent in their outreach efforts when submerged within a Christian only culture. I have always had a mixture of friends and I wouldn't feel useful to Christ if I didn't. Luke 5:30-32

2. Instead of judging others, we need to take that leap of faith and witness for Christ. This means going beyond the 4 walls of the church and "tell" about God. God has blessed me with a gift, and continues to heal me. What better way for me to show my love for Him than to express it to someone else. Romans 8:35-39

3. God is never done with any of us who choose to follow Him. I have got to figure out why I can't pray with others. I can witness and get personal about my relationship with Him but I can't pray when called to. I don't know why but I will continue to follow His path, nevertheless.

4. God is allowing me to see a side of myself I have never allowed myself to see. It is here that I truly know that I am ordained by Him and I derive my strength from Him. Acts 2:17-18 , as evidenced by visions, dreams, and His perfect will revealed.

[Dora]

Wow Josi that #1 I never thought of before. I think you are right.

I love to see the Lord working in you. Warms my heart and brings a bit of joy to my spirit.

The thing on not praying with others, I wonder if it's like Satans got your tongue. Won't let you speak and he needs to be bound. Or possibly fear.

I pray the Lord continues to reveal his perfect will to you. Just as he has been.

luv ya

[josinella]

I discern that my inability to pray with others is a spiritual growth point, not satan, and is in the will of the Lord to remove the block as He has been doing. I gave all to Him from the past, but there are things that come with the form of abuse I received that cause part of the spirit of man to flee, in fear, as you suggest. I feel in God's perfect time He will, once again, reveal it to me and remove the block.

[mlg]

I love to see when another is listening to God's still small voice. Look at the things He has revealed to you over the last few days. Wow...

I too like Pine never have thought about #1 but so much truth in that. When we are around Christians only we tend to become complacent...that's why it's important that we reach out to the lost, and not stay in our comfort zones...yes this can seem scary to get out of this...but we all know that it's the only true way to reach the lost.

Thanx for sharing that josinella.

luv ya sis

[josinella]

The kids were really wonderful tonight. Our leadership team was very united and loving to the kids and to each other. I just hope that this experience has allowed all to see how important outreach is. I really liked our meeting, no one was willing to give up on the kids and we were open to each others opinions as to what we saw going on with the kids. And we opened & closed in prayer.

I think that I will keep in contact with the parents; I will prayerfully await God's creativity on how to do this and invite them to come to the church.

Something that I can't fit in but I will express. I feel incredibly lonely! I give all to God, I don't own anything and I feel lonely. I prayed about this for over an hour today. He is blessing me in so many areas, yet I feel this tremendous need for companionship. I feel sometimes spent, it is not a satan thing though. It is like He is telling me, "No More Wonder Woman". He urges me to take care of myself. Times when I do feel satan tugging at me, He comes in and tells me to avoid negative feelings. This loneliness is more of a preparatory thing. Like maybe a part of His bigger plan yet unseen? I hugged a lot of the kids today, like He was getting me to role modal His love for the other leaders to see. I felt Spiritually directed in doing this. Like He is using me.

But there is a part of me that is really numb, like I am dead to myself. The funny part about it is, I know that He knows it. I think that is why I am not depressed besides that fact that He won't let me be. It's counterproductive to get depressed when the One Who can do something about already knows. I feel spent, not necessarily emotionally, just spent. I hope that I am making sense. I have been told to be honest about my feelings with Him the only way to true understanding. It has worked so far. I feel so much closer to Him. I remember a time that I never read my bible. Now I don't feel comfortable if the day has gone by and I haven't read, had devotion or talked with Him.

I feel like I am out there for Christ in ways I never thought possible of me. I know it is Him who is in me and I don't understand why I feel the way I do. It is like He is uncovering areas unknown to me, healing, strengthening and filling me with His wisdom. People around me see this, and tell me they are encouraged. I always tell them where it all comes from. It is Him who is in me. Yet, I feel a numbness, not a void, but like an area that I can't grasp. This will probably prompt another visit from Him. ????

[mlg]

Hi josinella,

Loneliness...this is something I used to have often when I first got my divorce from my ex. Now, that I've grown in my relationship with God and trusted Him with this part of my life the voids...the loneliness, He has brought people and works into my life that takes these fleshly feelings away. So, what I'm saying sis is for you to share these feelings with God and ask Him to take them from you, and to fill the void, and then let it go and leave it with Him. He will move

I'm so glad you all had a good time with the kids. Sounds like some progress is being made with the team as well. Praise God for He is good

luv ya sis

[josinella]

I hear what you are saying because I hear this coming from me. I have asked Him to take these feelings from me but it is like He doesn't want me to close these doors yet; He is using these feelings to fuel me. I can't grasp what it is, but I sense, I have to trust the direction He is taking me with it.

I see many Spiritual doors opening. Everytime I take a step His direction, I see Him more. Sometimes He will take me down a path as a "faith test" just to see if I will go. A while back, you or Pine suggested that God is working in my life because I am "willing to walk with Him". I don't have the attachments that people seem to have with each other. I understand that God is using me but sometimes I "go into a place" because I feel "left" or I live "outside the inner circle of life", different. It's an angry place and I have to catch myself.

It is like there is something else He needs me to see, to do or to reveal to me? My kids are deep believers and they see it too. My son is very affectionate with me, it is like He waiting to see where God is going to move me. Our membership keeps saying how different we (my family) is. It was tearing me up that people were inferring about the kids circumstances and not going to see what their circumstances were. God told me to go and I give all Honor to Him in it.

I guess my loneliness is my "Moses" because I have no "Aaron" to do for me. I have to go it alone, just me and God. I have no one else, so I go with Him. Like a kid learning to skate, pushing off from the wall going around the first time alone, I just hope I don't fall down and get hurt.

[mlg]

awww I do know that feeling sis...it's a lonely walk these days...especially when God opens new doors...that first step inside of the unknown sure can "feel" scary. But in reality it's not scary at all, it's really just a new way to fear the Lord and His works. Like as in awe...

One thing you have to know is that what others say about you and your family do not define who you all are...only God in you all defines you. So pay no mind to what others say, as long as you are at peace with God then you are on the right path.

God is using you josinella because you are willing. He is revealing things to you, because He knows you will accept what He shows you.

Maybe there is a missing piece, because sometimes God only reveals parts of His plan at a time...but be patient and wait upon Him and He will share the rest...in His time.

Have a God day today sis.

luv ya bunches

[josinella]

Yes!

Love you too!

[Mackenaw]

Is it possible that the loneliness you are experiencing is not yours but another's?

The Lord will sometimes allow us to feel the emotions of those around us, so we'll inquire of Him and pray for them. He'll often show us a need through discernment, even at times to feel what they are feeling.

God bless you, Josinella.
Love,
Mack