Christianity Oasis Forum

[vahn]

Am I quick or what ?

Right after posting my decision to go thru the steps once more , a whole new set of emotions flowed out from an unnoticed, dammed up reservoir that all but shredded me to pieces (truth hurts yes ?) . So, usually , my M/O had been "jump into the crowd vahn , and hope nobody notices " . At the time I wish I could but , "enough of running away from probs" later I find myself pm-ing someone instead , in the process , I get told "stop running away from your probs !! " I'm going huh ? , I mean I pm-ed because I didnt want to run to begin with ! , OK , "someone trying to tell you something time" .

See , the truth was that , I was using this soul searching process that these steps help you with, as a cover for a later , well planned "disappointment" (oh I tried but ...yada yada right ? familiar ?) .
Well , being guided by the Spirit , the truth came out as , in short , "I'm throwing in the towel " . (what does this person know anything to call my bluff huh ?) . See , I had just come out of the other end of a very emotionally , mentally , phyisically and Spiritually draining week and was simply not thinking right ! Heck I was even thinking to leave this whole site altogether , not because I wanted to , but because of truth .

Well anyway , before this post ends up being a newspaper instead , which it usually does , after that pm , out of sheer exhaustion , the only thing I could blurt out as a prayer was a , more than anything else , a yell saying "Take it !! All , good , bad or in between , just as long as you dont wake me up again !!" - slept like a log !! And you kno what ? I woke up !!-- I couldnt even recognize myself !!

A day before all this I get an Email saying , "stay away from the shelter , your love for them is killing you !!" , no address no name no nothing . Upon awakening , I searched frantically , could not and still cant find it !! On the door of my office , a note , "Change of command , Briefing @ 7:00 AM , Location : Corp. " . It's Major P !!.(confidentiality) , this guy was my Capt. and he graduated me , in short , he knew everything about me , as far as my then struggle with God is concerned .
So off to headquarters , open door , its locked , ok , check calendar , nope its not April , on the way back, I have to take the shelter route right ? (defiance ? maybe ? hmm !) Go in ,(just to check,ok ?) I hear this "well well look who's here , now get your butt in the car !" yeah you guessed its the Major !!
"But Maj. the ctr is that way !" - "I always knew you're a genius vahn! just shut up , not another word from you until I say so ! " "who the ..."

45 mins and 10.000 miles later we are across the lawn of the first house I ever bought with the help of this guy , and again with his help is when I got custody of my daughter ,which is why I bought the house to begin with . Now needless to say , I'm numb , as if I had taken a whole pharmacy-full drugs and someone forgot to turn the faucet imbedded in my eyes off , I was so paralyzed I couldnt even get out of the car , let alone run , then , he reaches in the back seat pulls a sketchpad and a 'coal stick and says "Now DRAW !! "

My habit of taking daily inventory was by sketching the theme of the way my day had gone , (yeah I'm an artist , so shoot me) and my daughter had assigned herself executive critic of my work , and the next morning she'd give me her approval, well , mostly disapproval before my usual "dont miss the bus ,have a good day at school hun , (before I wring your neck attitude) " . Six yrs later she passed , and hadnt touched a pencil since .

There's healing in these steps people ! How do I know ? I didnt come here because things were going good , my Lord didnt lead me anywhere else , and the ppl here didnt guide me anywhere else , and the steps didnt take me anywhere else but to the TRUTH , and truth revealed to me was that I cant relate God's Love for me as the love of my understanding , which is -was- love of hurt , everytime I loved something or one ended up in hurt , that is why I keep jumping around from one "love" to another yet never be able to fill the void that only God could , that's why when someone said God Loves you I thought of hurt ! .
When I finally got enough courage to glance at the sheet , there was no picture but words instead , it said "Thank you for the life you've given Me"

Its a process , not an event ! You see , you cant leave your problem here and go to God there ! no ! you take God where your problem is , and it there that God will do your battle FOR you and not the other way around , you dont fight the battle for God , He dont need you , you need Him !
There's a reason why we have probs going thru the steps , we try to do them ourselves . well , if any of you having doubts whether you can do it or not , or whether if these steps will work or not , hah !! pm me we'll talk .

[xxJILLxx]

amen vahn!

These steps are so healing!

Ty Jesus what you have been able to accomplish in soo many lives here with this awesome program!

Gbu vahn and keep up the EXCELLENT work!

♥Jill

[mlg]

Wow, what a testimony vahn....see God brings us in all sorts of directions sometimes, because He has a plan. His plan was for you to let go and allow Him to handle things...and what I see is that He now has used your testimony to glorify Him and to reach others.

Thanx for sharing Truth.

luv ya

[splash]

Wow, Holy Spirit has been busy stirring you up... I think you should go back to drawing. Love ya bro, Splashi

[Dora]

Vahn it's good to see you doing the steps. I just know you will take a lot from this study.

He's been working on you and will continue till his work is completed.

Cause God is good like that.

[smalltowngirl743]

I'm confused Vahn...


You have a very...um...unique!...yeah, that's it...you have a very unique way of writing!


I'm kidding, bro. If I am interpreting this correctly, you have found the Truth behind the Step process, and are well on your way to complete healing.

Yay! Good for you...I'm happy for you, I support you, and I encourage you!





Have a wonderfully blessed day, my friend!

~Ann~

[Lani]

*Wave* Hey Vahn,

Awesome bro!!! What a testimony my friend.

Seems you are well on your way to spiritual healing!

You will be a great friend on the journey many will face in finding healing in our Lord. I pray your story gives encourages all to forge ahead despite their discomfort. Great Healing Indeed!!!

Looking forward to hearing more about your journey with Christ.

Lani

[deetu]

I said it before... I'm so glad you decided to stay vahn.
I'm also so happy that you have had the breakthrough that you needed.

Sometimes the walk seems so hard that we can't handle it but once we are through it, it makes it easier for us to help others who God sends to us.

[vahn]

Thank you all for your time , words of encouragement and support , the truth is , and the title of this post sums it up , after my experience I dont feel the need to keep posting about my day to day journey on a daily basis .
Reason #1 , I am living in all 14 steps in all my undertakings in the Hands of My all Loving God , I have no more fear of the what if's any longer . # 2 , I would much rather spend my time sharing my experience , strength and hope with the ones that have decided to walk thru the steps as I did , there was someone here when I first went thru them guiding me thru and still do to this day (just take a look above this post) and last but not least , borrowing from AA , whenever someone somewhere reaches out for help , I want the hand of God to be there for them , for THAT I am responsible . This is an experience I dont like to see anyone miss , I'm sure you would not want to either.
Looking forward to meet up with you along this journey , with only one note of caution , I dont believe in pitstops !!

[mlg]

Amen!

[Dora]

Oh those "what ifs"

Ugh!

Grrr.

They can cause so much havic inside.

Like crab grass.

Glad to hear you've overcome this Vahn!

God bless and keep you.

[deetu]

It is so cool watching someone when they first come and as they progress.
You alright vahn.