Christianity Oasis Forum

[smalltowngirl743]

I've never done anything like this before, so I'm not sure how this works. I guess I am supposed to write things down for this first step. So here goes...

I was raised in a Catholic home, so I've always known about the existence of God. I started losing interest in church when I was about 13...just about the time I started my journey as a wild child. I officially quit attending Mass when I got pregnant and married at the age of 17. After that, my life became a mess. My first husband was 15 years older than me and very abusive. He beat me a lot and got me into some deviant sexual practices. Nothing real bad, but just made me watch porn and participate in threesomes. Now that I think back, it was pretty icky. Unfortunately, those first sojourns into the sexual arena have tainted my ideas and feelings about sex ever since.

About five years ago, I became saved (I think). At the time, I was living in sin with a man for the past year and a half. We didn't get along well, and to be honest, I was just using him for his house, car, money, etc. Well, shortly after my salvation experience, I became convicted of the wrongness of my living situation. At the time, I didn't know it was called "conviction", but I sure felt it! It was like my gut was in knots constantly, and for two weeks I just felt horrible inside for what I was doing. The feeling was constant and never let up. What was surprising to me was that I didn't feel badly about sex or living with this guy, but I felt really badly about using him. It was my own sin in the matter that was wrong. It is a horrible thing to use someone for material things in exchange for sex, when you don't even care about the person. This was what God was convicting me about.

So, one day, we got into a huge fight, and that gave me the push and the out I needed to leave. I think I moved out the very next day, and I made a promise to God, and to myself, that I would never have sex again unless it was in the confines of marriage. God took my promise to heart, and He has helped me to stay celibate for all these years. But, although I haven't had sex in all this time, my warped sexuality is still an issue for me at times. My way of thinking about it is wrong and perverted. And there is something else that has to do with this, but I am just too ashamed and embarrassed to speak it outloud...even here in this forum. I do want to say however, that overall I am dealing well with celibacy. I only think about men or sex a few times a month; and I can usually dismiss the thoughts easily. But sometimes I can't, and that is where I need help.

There are two other issues that bother me spiritually. The first one is that I am a smoker. I have smoked cigarettes for the past 30 years now, and it is such an ingrained habit, that I can't imagine life without them. Honestly, I don't even want to quit, so I don't know if this program will help in this area.

The second thing is simply my poor relationship with God. I don't pray often, don't read my Bible regularly, and I don't attend church. I don't think my lifestyle completely reflects to others that I am a Christian. My "light" definitely doesn't shine, and has become very dim in fact.

It wasn't always like this. I have went through periods my entire life, where I would become very close to God, doing all of the things I mentioned above, and those times were very good ones for me. In the past, God has touched my life in some very profound and real ways...ways that I cannot doubt that they were from God. Even before I was "saved", God gave me some unique experiences, and has definitely saved my life in some dangerous situations. But always, I would fall away and come back...like a yo-yo.

But, for the past three years, I haven't attended church hardly at all; I don't have a church to call "home". I don't pray on a regular basis...my prayers are sporadic...and yet it seems like God is always on my mind. I think my failure to live up to His standards bothers me a lot, but at the same time I am totally complacent. I know that doing these things are important, but I guess I just don't care about them enough to do them. If I am to be honest, I am ashamed to admit that I don't put God first in my life. I always think that He is mad at me for this, and I wonder sometimes if He even hears my prayers when I do pray. I know He does sometimes, because He has answered them. Having a real relationship with Jesus is just hard for me. I can't see Him or hear Him, or feel Him. Sometimes it feels like I'm just talking to air.

I would like to state a few facts about myself that might help me and others to figure out why I am the way that I am...

Adopted at 3 mos. old -- very different in nature to my adoptive parents

Didn't receive many expressions of affection and love while growing up...I lived in a more strict household with high expectations.

Partied, drank heavily, used drugs, was promiscous from the age of 13 until I was 38...at which time I abruptly stopped drinking and partying. I only smoke cigarettes now and use drugs as prescribed by my doctor. I have been clean and sober for five years or more now, and feel no desire whatsoever to have a drink. This is one thing that God has completely delivered me from...praise Him.

Switching from Catholicism to just plain Christian was very difficult. It took many weeks of pushing/arguing from my Christian mentors before I was convinced to pray the salvation prayer and accept Jesus into my heart. (After all, I thought He was already there!)

I had a more open and wonderful relationship with Jesus before I was saved than after. Now, I feel condemned...that everything I do is a sin. There are so many rules and doctrines...how can I ever follow them all??

Being online and only participating in Christian social sites is my only form of fellowship, and is where I learn the things I should be learning from the Bible and from church. I am isolated in my home and have no "real-life" friends. But I am very thankful for the friends I do have online! They keep me hanging on.

Whew! This was really long and I apologize to anyone reading it. But I feel that I have successfully and honestly completed my first step in the program.

[xxJILLxx]

hello smalltowngirl,

so happy to see you doing the counseling steps they have helped many here including myself.

we have a program here that we just started last monday called SOS (save our souls) i think it may be helpfull to you if u can attend , skrubby and i host the program at 9pm est on mondays. is a program for adults who are struggling with some of the areas that you expressed.

sis God is for us not against us . i do believe we all cross paths for a reason and glad we have. God loves you and once you turned from yr ways he has forgiven you that instant when u asked Him too.
think of it this way... Your the parent and you get a phone call from the police that your kid got into some kind of trouble. The kid is very remorseful and changes his behavior ... you will never stop loving yr kid right? and you wld show him/her mercy and will not bring the incident up when it has been put in the past, because you dont want yr child to rethink of what he /her had done because you care about their wellbeing and u dont want to inflict those painful memories upon them again.

this is how God is, Hes such a good Father and loves us very much . He wants us to do better and cares about each one of us just like u care bout yr children and even moreso.

you are doing a wonderful job staying celibate it is so very hard to do when all the images around us on tv and everywhere else have to do with lust and sex. I applaud you for that!

oh and love? you just wait and see after you have finished this counseling program i do believe you will be able to to feel so much love from our Father . I cant wait to see you blossom through this .

Gbu sis
♥Jill

[realtmg]

Welcome sis.

Please take the time to take advantage of some of the studies here to help you grow and figure things out. You are not any different than the rest of us.
I have to go to work now but I want to share this verse with you. God's Grace and the Blood Jesus shed for us on Calvary is a gift.

Romans 8:1
There is therefore now no condemnation to them which are in Christ Jesus, who walk not after the flesh, but after the Spirit.


GBU

Real

[smalltowngirl743]

Jill...thanks so much for your encouragement and understanding. As I read back through my post, I feel a little embarrassed now to have said so much about myself! But I really do want to give this program a try, and being honest is the first step I'm sure. Besides, God knows everything about me, and I can't hide from Him.

I'll be happy to attend the SOS group. I'll make sure to be there...thanks for inviting me.

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Thanks Real, for your comment too. I've read the verse you gave me many times...it's just sometimes hard to believe. I mean, it's not hard to believe the Truth in it, I guess I just condemn myself.

[realtmg]

Sometimes "ourselves" are our biggest enemies.

Luv ya

[Dora]

Smalltowngirl
Now that you've "said" those things they are out where you can get some help. Hiding them allows them to continue to cause you problems. It's good you "said" them. No one here will judge you for anything you've done. It's a safe place to get it out. We've all be through stuff, we've all made our errors and we all still stumble.

Often we expect God to be the Dad that our earthly dad was. When our earthly dad had a heavy hand and high expectations we think God is the same. My dear that is far from the truth. Our earthly dads are only human and fall from Gods plan. Where God is a perfect Father whos love is perfect. Through this program you will begin to see just how great his love and forgiveness is. Continue the steps. There is a huge blessing in store for you.

You've got some stuff to work on. The steps will help you work that out. Some past thoughts to replace and some understanding of who God is and who you are in Gods eyes. It's a journey well worth the time and effort.

[mlg]

Hey stg, my friend, wow that was a big first step huh? It's awesome that you are starting to bring to Light the struggles you go through. I do encourage you to check out the S. O. S. chat program that Jill has told you about. Many struggle with sexual problems, and the thing is sis, Jesus can heal you of these things. The problem is the enemy will try to make you keep them hidden so he can keep you in shame. The truth is, your not alone, and Jesus wants to help you get passed this.

As for your relationship with God sis. It has to be a daily walk. You have to commit to Him daily. There is a step in the counseling program that you have not got to yet...but it's the Miracle Grow Charts. I think when you get to this step, you will find them so helpful in getting you to stay on track making God first in your life.

You've done the hardest part sis, you've stepped out. Jesus is right there with you, and He wants to become your best friend. He wants you to share with Him all your pain, all your weaknesses, and all your struggles. He wants to help you...it's time to allow Him to.

Praying for you sis.

luv ya

[Lani]

Hey SmallTownGirl,
First, Welcome to Oasis! So awesome to have you join us sister.

For your pain, both past and present, I am sorry you feel alone . He works through such events to teach us to lean on His love and understanding for nothing is higher or more comforting.

Proverbs 3: 5-6 "Trust in the Lord with all your heart; do not lean on your own understanding. Seek his will in all you do, and he will show ou which path to take."

You are not condemned by any stretch of the imagination and I am so excited to know He lead you here. Oasis is a loving family with siblings who will be more then happy to assist you in returning to and staying in His light. You may think your light is low... you've been through a lot. Knowing that you acknowledge it even slightly shows promise.

Ecclesiastes 4: 12
A person standing alone can be attacked and defeated, but two can stand back to back and conquer. Three are even better, for a triple-braided chord is not easily broken."

It is part of His divine plan that we come together to fight such struggles.

If I may make a suggestion. I will share how I begin my day.. at first it is going to seem strange to you (I've done this for nearly 20 years), but you will soon find it as easy as brushing your teeth. Upon waking up, sit up in bed... but do not get up up. Close your eyes. Ask that the Holy Spirit connect with you from within and fill you with Her (HS is a "she" to me... if that is uncomfortable to you, go with He. No Worries) healing light. Ask that she surround you with her love and grace. Next ask Jesus to walk beside you and hold your hand in times of trial or temptation. Finally, ask our Almighty Father to watch over you and light your path, smoothing the way. Then ask for guidance and opportunity in your day and give the Trinity a worry or two that you are no longer interested in carrying around. Over time, you will come to feel the difference.

Spiritual health, like physical, needs daily exercise.. being here is an awesome step! Joining Cool Church on Sunday nights, when you have time, will help as well. Additionally, when you are in chat, click on the "Calendar" icon and check out the other programs offered. They are all held in rooms accessible from chat.



As for your past sins, release them from your conscience. If you asked forgiveness for all of it, He has erased that from who you are. He is truly Amazing, His love unfailing.

1 John 1:9-10
"If we confess our sins, he is faithful and just and will forgive us our sins and purify us from all unrighteousness. If we claim we have not sinned, we make him out to be a liar and his word has no place in our lives. "


With regards to Church, please take time to look around. I was born to Catholic parents, but by His Grace and for reasons I won't get into here, I was able to spend an impressionable amount of time with my Grandmother, who was Christian and attended a UCC church. I still attend church at a UCC, but know there are many denominations. Check your area and feel free to contact the Leader of any given Church to sit and talk. They are generally more then happy to do so, and if not... move on. You will find a church that resonates with the Spirit within you and it will be "Home" without effort.

As for growth in the Bible, I'd recommend "Sanctuary, A devotional Bible for woman" as a starting point. It will walk you through each day. If you wish to have a partner in this, we can work something out in chat. I've read several versions of the Bible, starting with King James, but return to the New Living Translation each time.

Holy Crow, I talk a lot... sorry it is so long.

Talk to you tonight my Sister in Christ.

God Bless and Keep you always!!!! You remain in my prayers.

Peace and Love in Christ,
Lani

[smalltowngirl743]

Wow! Thank you ladies...your comments are so encouraging. There is often a smile on my face while I am on the Oasis website. I have never met such friendly and loving Christians online before. Well, I take that back...I have met several individuals who have touched my heart and life deeply, but I suppose what I am saying is that I have never met so many all in one place before!

I do believe that God led me to this site for a reason. I am just beginning here at Oasis, but I am drawn to this site every time I come online. So much so, that I am neglecting my other Christian sites.

I truly do love you all, with the love that Jesus gives us for one another. Despite my difficulties, I have experienced godly love. I look forward to spending more time here...as true friendships take time to build, and I have found that I will usually connect on a deeper level with some people. It takes patience and waiting to see who God is going to bring into my life.

All of you mean a lot to me...recently God took away my best friend online...I felt that I was so close to her...like a real sister...and then one day she just disappeared completely. I have searched and searched...the only thing I haven't tried is calling her because I can't afford it (she lives in the U.K. so it's an international call). For all I know, her phone number may no longer work either. I have often wondered, and God knows this, if perhaps she's passed away or fallen very ill. I also wonder if, perhaps, God led me to Oasis so I could find a new friend, and healing as well.

Ah...Lani...I'm talking a lot too! Thanks again, everyone. I'm on to Step 2 now. Have a great day and God bless!

[mlg]

Yep sis, often when something happens to take a soul out of our life, God brings another in. He never leaves us alone...it's us that can feel that way instead.

Sis, I have to share that I have been here at the Oasis over 3 years now, and I love it here. The love and caring you feel here sis...is just that...it never changes unless to get more and more loving and caring. We are a family, and we are so glad you are part of our family.

[Tam]

wow! small...I am so glad to see you taking steps in trusting the Lord with you issues and working toward your healing. I encourage you as times get hard....Don't give up but press thru for it will all be worth it in the end. I have been here only a short time...but long enough to see that the God these people talk about is a real and awesome God and that He does have our best interest at heart.
I pray that out Father would touch your life and be as real to you as He is to me.
Love you sis and keep going on the steps.
Tam