Christianity Oasis Forum

[lastyearalive]

Hello,

In a nutshell, my friend's husband wants to end their marriage as soon as their son moves out. Her husband, who claims to be a Christian, doesn't love her anymore, and told her to ask God to take care of her.

She is sad of course, but what she doesn't understand is why her christian friends, including pastors, are telling her to get a divorce. No one has spoken to the husband, and he refuses counseling. They say she needs to be happy in order to do God's will. She said it reminded her of Amy Grant's divorce. She is waiting to hear from God.

She has looked at Mark 10:11-12 and Matthew 19:8-9. Yet her friends, all of whom has been divorced, say that's for spiritual as well as physical infidelity. Her closest friend, has been married 4 times, twice to the same man, says she needs professional help understanding that her marriage is over. That's because my friend said that it is only through death that the marriage is supposed to end biblically, and then only remarriage is ligitamate.

Now, she's contemplating taking her life before the end of the year because her friends who she thought were godly council are telling her to end the marriage, while at the same time she's waiting on God clear answer for her.

She works in a place where live-in managers are required, and an opening is coming soon. She is now wondering if she should end her marriage to live there. So, because she has no peace, and is confused, wondering about her godly council, she wants to end it. She has gone for professional help. You know, the sad thing is she feels that her church would be indifferent to happy over the divorce. She says her pastors go to her husband for advice, and has taught Adult Bible Study. She told me something that floored me: one man knows of their situation, but refuses to go to her husband because he's not smart enough to confront him.

I love my friend, and am praying for her. Yet, I never saw in the Bible those two verses about divorce. Do they mean what they say? Please pray for my friend--please pray that God's clear direction for her will be evident in her life. She's such a beautiful person inside and out, and I want to see her live.

Thanks in advance

Tori

[Dennis Hall]

It is admirable that you are posting for your friend. It's would be far better for her to speak for herself. That would start an intimate process and promote real healing. A time of separation for healing my be advised. If her husband refuses council, she needs to take care of herself. To work on own issues. Her relationship with Jesus is unique and intimate. Know one else has had the intimate life experience she has. Her personal healing is of the utmost importance. Getting advice from divorced people is biased at best. Get good council from married couples who are happy and have sent many years together. Someone who has been through it and knows success. Jesus set the example for marriage. I know our no other way that will be fulfilling and joyful.

[dema]

I didn't answer when I read this - I thought and prayed over it a lot first. My end thought is to wonder why these friends want to rule the woman's life? I'll call your friend Mandy just to have something to call her. Mandy should get to make her own choices. If she is asking you for advice, then that is one thing. But it sounds like these other friends are being miserable comforters. What is between Mandy and God is between Mandy and God. Nobody else gets to choose.

Now maybe Mandy wanted them to tell her to stick it out. Maybe Mandy can't face the thought of being single for life and would rather have half a husband than none. Maybe she is in denial that he will actually leave. Maybe all sorts of things. But the biggest issue is that it comes across that this is Mandy's life but other people want to tell her what to do.

Maybe she will come to the same conclusion in a few days, weeks or even years. Maybe he will move out. Maybe he will repent and beg for her forgiveness.

Anyway, I am getting into repetition.

You are the one who asked advice here, not Mandy, and my advice to you is for you to tell her that you love her and you will be with her no matter what she decides. No matter what. And that it is up to her to get with God and follow what God puts in her heart. And you will be there.

God bless.

[Dennis Hall]

Good Morning, I would like to be clear on something. When I stated that she needed to separate I was not implying divorce. An agreed time of apart allows for a clearer perspective and will allow her to work on her self, for personal healing. In a marriage the marriage can not be healed unit each individual is. A marriage is made up of two people and the baggage each brings into the relationship. One can not see clearly in a relationship unto the plank is removed, that is past pain, anger,shame, wounds or false belief systems that influence the individuals perspective, what one believes about self or the other as individuals or in context to the marriage relationship. Inner vows are important. Say one in the relationship made an inner vow not to allow anyone close or trust because of betrayal or pain from the past. Look closely here, these though long forgotten can still be active hidden away in the heart closing one off from true intimacy in relationship with others the Lord and ourselves. Bring each one to the cross. We become new creatures in Christ through the renewing of the mind. (and heart ) We need to work through the hard and painful stuff, not avoid it ( Denial ) We heal one step at a time, first with Jesus then with or wife or husband.

May we all be in a state of Grace in all things always!

[lastyearalive]

Thanks everyone! It's been a while since I've been here. My friend "Mandy" is the same. I'm trying to call her every day or so. I'm beginning to believe that the only way she'll heal is if God actually intervenes in some way. Will try to keep everyone here updated.

Tori

[Dennis Hall]

Good Evening,

How much of your friends self worth is wrapped up in her husbands approval or the approval of others. She needs approval from only one source and that is Christ Jesus, that is a given and that is a gift, free and when we know that we have this it does not matter what is said by other or not said, done or not done our value and identity established by and through the blood of Jesus.
I was there once myself and I wanted to run. I had lost my wife, my son, our new home, my father and was working through recovery from Alcohol and other stuff. All I could see was black and actually found myself asking this question. Is this all that there is? Because if that was all there was I was considering checking out. While I was considering this the Lord said one thing to me that I didn't understand at the time, but it was so simple and profound that I never for got it. He said, "See it through to it's logical conclusion !" It was as clear and sharp as if He were standing right beside me.
I stuck with it and found out that the logical conclusion when holding on to Christ is healing, wholeness, restoration and all things made new. After the time needed for healing, the Lord brought my wife and myself back together. My recovery was and her healing from early abuse in her family was complete we both are healed as individuals and as a couple. Individuals first, then the marriage. We have a wonderful marriage and two more children as a result.
The question,"Is this all that there is?" Was answered, there is so much more to life it is an adventure of discovery. The life of faith is amazing, it isn't easy but so worth it!!!!!
There was a scripture telling of 10 lepers who asked Jesus to have mercy on them. Jesus told them to go and show themselves to the priests as a testimony of their healing and as they went, they were cleansed. The went as He requested and they were made clean. They believed, went (a act of faith ) and their faith in His word healed them.
That is all we are asked to do, Go, trust in Christ and go. Everything that Jesus promised to use is there for us. Trust and go, one minuet, one hour, one day, one week, one month or year at a time. Trust and "Go!"

Jesus said,"Behold, I make all things new." Believe this and Go."

In Christ, have a very good life!!

[lastyearalive]

Hello Dennis and all!

My friend is still alive, but with a strange peace. Spoke to her more: her problem is that her husband claims to be a Christian and according to her, has everyone fooled. I did observe how the pastors "agree with him" concerning Biblical matters. He will even be asked to teach Sunday School in a couple of months. My personal interface with him is that he appears smug. I personally will not be attending the sunday school classes he will teach as he mistreats my friend. I also witnessed him belittling her in front of others. And yes, I heard the entire conversation.

I am concerned, still.

[lastyearalive]

What concerns me is that no speaks to him. My husband tried to schedule a time to talk with him, but was avoided. How can this be in churches today where people ignore people in the church? As I said, my friend has a strange peace about her. I've been around people who have a peace from God, but this is not it.

[dema]

You might look up Narcissist on the Mayo clinic website. If the shoe fits, let me know. It might not fit - don't force it to fit - but if it does - let me know.

[lastyearalive]

I looked up the term, dema, and laughed because the treatment is to seek counseling once the narcissist reaches depression. However, my friend said that when he was in his teens, he was sent to counseling and had the counselors eating out of his hands, so he knows how to get over on them.

Only God has the power to do something in this situation. No one can help her or him otherwise.

BTW, I try to hug her as much as possible. She really needs it.

[dema]

It sounds like he meets the definition of narcissist. If this is so, then she is his source. Narcissists need a source and they tend to destroy them. It is very involved. lisaescott is a website for the victims of narcissists.

Basically narcissists are emotionally void in some area. And their coping mechanisms are very damaging to those around them. They cannot be cured. Counseling doesn't fix them. Once the source truly understands narcissism, she should leave. But she needs to understand first. Because the narcissist has amazing talents learned as coping mechanisms.

When a baby is born, the only emotion the child knows is anger. Or maybe a couple of other very primitive ones. The child learns affection and other emotions. By around age 5, the child should have picked up empathy and emotional memory.

A narcissist never learns those, and he may not have learned other emotions. The lack of emotional memory means that when you leave the room, so do any warm feelings associated with you.

But as an uninvolved observer, the narcissist learns very well how to manipulate people. It is uncanny.

Anyway, your friend should learn more. There is a huge attraction involved with the narcissist. Nobody else sees what she wants the way he does. Leaving that is hard. But in order to manipulate, the narcissist sees and then uses that inner desire against her. Over and over.

[lastyearalive]

"Mandy" understands this as her husband's friends are on the internet-Second Life. She's been keeping herself busy: part-time job, exercising, etc. so she doesn't have to deal with him as often. It's helped.

But one thing she said that made me realize something: she could never go to her church for help as they would not give her the spiritual support she needs. So she listens to Christian radio programs that has been helping her spiritually. I've gone to church with her a few times, and I'm surprised at how many people are divorced, remarried, living together, or have other problems. Some, if they reveal, go to counseling, but I just feel that they need the spiritual support of a brother or sister. There are certain things that only God can heal. So I think I know where she's coming from, when she says her church would not support her spiritually.

The sermons were like a sermon without a message.....It's like eating something with no taste...like when Jesus talked about salt losing it's saltiness.