Christianity Oasis Forum

[1stldyhill]

My husband and I have barely been married a year and i STRONGLY feel as though we're just NOT meant to be together, at least maybe not right now. It’s been turmoil and chaos since day 1 and even worse he’s in ministry. It’s so very disappointing because we are 2 people with life determinations to follow Christ but we just can’t seem to get along no matter how many scriptures say to do so. I know what the Word says about being a submissive wife as well as God's commission to wives to respect their husbands and husbands love your wife’s and still I am NOT there. The papers have been filed and the wheels are in motion but I am still so very torn as to whether or not it’s the right thing to do. God HATEA divorce, i know this but things have happened in my marriage (minus infidelity) that I just can’t deal with.

[dema]

Why did you marry him?

There are a lot of books that many people have found helpful. I put Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus at the top of that list.

You talk about women being submissive. What do you feel that that means?

I am very interested as to why you married him and as to what the issues are.

If the man is in ministry and into porn for example, then just go through with the divorce. If he is hitting you or saying really under the belt things - saying things that are purposely meant to hurt and derail you - then I personally don't think that the underlying motive is going to go away without years of therapy.

However, if both of you are trying to control the other, then you can together learn not to do that. It is common for people who get divorced to put up with exactly the same behavior in their second marriage that caused the divorce in their first marriage. The pain of the divorce teaches them that they were making mountains out of mole hills.

Common issues - men and women need quiet time. Men tend to need isolation time. Men do a definite, go into a cave and stay there until they are done thing. This can drive women nuts because the "cave" may be in front of the TV with a loud game on in a small house. Drives her nuts. Perhaps she can get him headphones, get a second TV or get him to go watch with a friend. Why is this cave behavior? I'm a woman - I don't know - I just know it is. Somehow it revives a man to have some sort of total escape for a couple of hours and them watching other men have physical contact frequently does it for them. Women get rid of anxiety generally by talking or other methods, men watch aggression on TV or sit and brood for a while.

Women do do the brood thing, I've come to realize. But a woman tends to do it by stomping around cleaning and getting things done. A man will have some idea that something is wrong and frequently follow her like some sort of golden retriever. The golden retriever might get away with it - the man won't. She wants him to go away until she is ready to talk about it and then she wants him to listen. But instead he will follow her around and drive her nuts and when she is ready to talk about it he is nowhere to be found.

Men have to be trained in how to listen. Women need to be trained in when to let a man do what he needs to do. And to also realize how to tell him he's crossed the line. Men are from Mars touches on a lot of it - but not the woman stomping around part.

People need to be treated like adults. Whether or not you work outside the home, you should have money that is yours to make decisions about. He shouldn't be taking your grocery lists and examining them. However, you should have a budget and stick to it. Charge card madness isn't allowed.

So, there are a few of the more harmless things that cause major issues in a marriage and can lead to break up. And frequently after the divorce, the divorced people - both of them - realize that they themselves were out of line. They cannot spend what they want, she should shave her legs, he should shave on Saturdays.... the list goes on and on.

Have you tried any sort of counseling? I find the listening and validating counseling to be good for some situations, but not for me. I want someone to talk to me, tell me about the behavior, and be a general source of information. In marriage counseling, I think that would be a lot more helpful than some I've had. It is common in marriage counseling for the counselor to listen and then give you something to read without comment - I don't personally think that in a marriage that is particularly helpful. I can go online and get that.

I do know many books to read. But how about a little more information first? If either of you is messing around with drug addiction, the need to degrade the other or porn, then oh well, best wishes, move on. However, if it is two individuals not being able to be tethered together - there may be a way to help.

[hiddenblessings]

Divorce is a hard thing to face. I married the man of my dreams and the first year was really hard, but if both parties are wanting to work hard the marriage can get better. It is important to remember that in the first year you are learning to live together, something the courtship never prepared you for. Both of you come from different lifestyles and expect different things from each other. Work of vocalizing expectations even if they seem obvious. Set a plan to bible study together with rules of engagement. Give each other the allowance to see things different and understand compromise is a must. I understand growing apart, but you haven't even had a chance to grow together. Give it time and really be prepared to work.
As for divorce, if you go thru with it please keep this in mind.
Between the births of my first and second child my husband became very ill and developed mental conditions that made him extremely dangerous for the kids. After ending up in the ER with my daughter's health in question I knew I had to divorce my husband to keep my kids safe. Even knowing that the divorce was the only option, I daily regret having to travel that road. Once you sign the papers the feeling of failure fills your soul and God is the only thing that can keep your head above water, but the feeling of letting him down builds a wall between you. I was one with my husband and now we are two, we both are broke. I would rather live thru the pain of child birth for eternity then ever face divorce again. This is not something to enter into lightly.

If there is any chance of making the marriage work fight for it, it's worth it.