Christianity Oasis Forum

[alyce356]

This is my first journal. It was suggested I share what brought me here. What a simple question that should be, but it's one that is so intricately woven in my own life experience it is difficult to summarize. I'm put it very simply. I feel like a failure, and I've lost hope that life will improve. I hate struggling to exist everyday. I know life for Jesus is life as it was meant to be, so the problem has to lie in me. How do I fix it?

[dema]

That is very eloquently put. And I think very many people identify with what you said.

There is an expectation among many people, including many Christians. And some do appear to live the expectation. I'll describe it:

A child is born and dedicated to Christ. The parents raise the child in the best way they know how. When something is wrong they pray over it. Yes the child breaks a leg or needs a tonsillectomy, but if the child is taken to Christian school or home schooled then basically there is nothing that cannot be fixed with a kiss and a prayer. The greatest pain comes in the later years when one has to care for ailing parents and make difficult decisions or when one suffers through a potentially fatal illness or bad physical injury. Perversion never comes near. Any other hurts are dealt with by "Praise the Lord" and "I'll pray for you." Anything that isn't a physical problem basically should be almost instantaneously healed.

I believe there are whole churches for which this is predominantly true. People live and talk in such a way that people who don't fit the mold quietly go somewhere else. It is true in general that different churches fit different kinds of people. The Bible says that a we are different parts of the body. And the churches minister this way. But many churches pretend their congregation can respond to what I described above when it is not true or possible.

The fact is that we were not all born into that kind of family. My family was closer than most - but my dad liked to stay home on Sunday morning. My mother frequently got him to church, but not always. Still, pretty close. Except the religious seeming man down the street beat his wife and kids. And there was other ugliness that I started seeing.

As I have progressed through life, I have found that not all parents love their children. Well, most of us know that from an early age. But there are an awful lot of children who were deeply hurt because they spent their childhood largely invisible. But predators see invisible children, and hurt them. And a grown-up who was an invisible child can't be fixed by, "Jesus loves you. Praise the Lord." I'm not saying that God isn't the answer. God most definitely IS the answer. But the fix isn't quick.

A child should receive buckets and buckets and rivers of love. Stories red, frequent touches, parents occasionally panicking over them. It isn't all bad when a mother loses it over her child. If the mother can be driven to distraction with worry, it is a sign she really cares. Kids survive the occasional outburst very well (I am talking about being worried about the child and yelling, I am not talking about using a kid as a punching bag for life's frustrations.) All this love, sprinkled with occasional anger, and touch and talk and advice shapes a child. When it doesn't occur, salvation alone does not fix this life. Salvation provides a ticket to the next life. But there are still a lot of missing pieces in the grown up child.

How is this fixed? First, fully experience God's love. Read, study, pray, attend worship services.
Second, see your inner child. There generally is an age that represents the hurt and loneliness. When something hurts a an adult who was hurt or neglected as a child, childish behavior frequently results. And the adult usually reacts by punishing the child inside herself. Don't.

If you want a toy for yourself, buy it. If you want a dollhouse, get it. If you like to color - color. Watch children's movies. Read children's books. Allow yourself the privilege of enjoying childish things. It is okay.

Building relationships can be hard. A person who was previously isolated tends to be aloof like a cat and then suddenly become like an eager puppy. Always there, drooling and jumping, wanting constant attention. The person who coaxed the cat out of hiding is totally taken aback. And usually ends up rejecting the puppy-person. Then the puppy person draws back even more.

In human terms. The groan up child is Jane. Another person, Betty is friendly to Jane. Betty invites Jane to places and Jane goes, but doesn't talk much. Betty may get frustrated at Jane's being so withdrawn. Or maybe Betty likes to talk all the time and likes having a constant listener who is eager to do things for her. Because Janes usually are quite willing to run errands and do extra things for the Betties in their lives. But Jane starts feeling secure and so she starts calling or texting Betty several times a day. And dropping by her house. And staying for hours and hours. And it is too much for Betty and Betty doesn't want to see her anymore.

This happens over and over. And it hurts more and more. Jane doesn't share at all, and then she thinks she has finally found the person to love her forever. But Jane is looking for the mother of a three year old. And no healthy adult wants to mother a grown woman like that. Most friendships in these times are based on hanging out once or twice a month and talking once or twice a week. But Jane feels like she isn't loved if she isn't reassured three or more times a day. A good Betty will be very happy with Jane, but doesn't want to talk more than once or twice a week unless she talks in passing at work or someplace else where they see each other more often.

Anyway, I have talked tooo much. I dont' even know if you were isolated as a child. If you felt invisible. Feeling invisible I think is the key. Did you? IF you did - this letter probably partly hit a chord and partly made your eyes bug out. . Feel free to PM me.

[alyce356]

Thank you for taking the time to answer my post. Some of what you said I definitely identify with. I was a preacher's daughter, but my parents were poor. I never knew it until my mother had her first attack of MS when I was 11. They lacked the resources to care for me and my sisters, so we were sent several states away to live with our grandparents. I don't know if that is when my severe anxiety and depression began, but that is when I remember it being crippling. After a year we were able to return home. We had some close family friends that had moved near us to help my parents while my dad worked. I became close friends. She was a Sunday School teacher and attended our church. I spent a lot of time at her house and helped with her small children. It would have been perfect if it were not for the fact that she was providing alcohol while her husband was molesting me and my friends. My mom and dad weren't uncaring, but they were seriously overwhelmed. I became a wild, rebellious teenager, and found myself looking for a guy to take care of me. I found a wonderful boyfriend. He. helped me realize the abuse wasn't my fault, helped me tell my parents and end the situation. He stood between me and the molester and made me feel safe for the first time in years. Looking back I was dangerously codependent, and despite all the good he did the relationship was extremely unhealthy. I was anxious, introverted, and depended on him for everything. No person could bear that burden, but it is especially laughable to think a 17 year old boy could. He hung in for a few years, but bawlked right before our wedding. I was a mess and started looking for relief. I was anorexic, drinking and promiscuous. I still held this fantasy that if I got married and had a family everything would be perfect. Fortuitously I became pregnant. I had a son when I was 19 and married the father who was 10 years my senior.
As you can imagine it wasn't happily ever after. We weren't in love we were Co dependent and afraid to be alone so we settled. I knew from my upbringing Jesus was the only way and divorce was not an option. I rededicated my life and focused all my efforts on being a Christian mom. This worked for a while, so I decided I'm so good at this mom thing I should become a Foster parent.
I was 21 and a few months from having my associates degree when we started our applications. I was oblivious to the fact my husband was only going along with this to avoid conflict. The loss of children that would leave was devastating. I began taking anti depressants, but I loved my big familyand couldn't imagine stopping. I received custody of three particularly difficult children. I know now the oldest was low iq depressed and had PTSD and an anxiety disoreder. She was 7. Her 6 year old sis was also PTSD and severely bipolar, their 6 year old brother is autistic. They had all been severely neglected and sexually abused, but I was Supermom so no problem. I adopted all three of them and their older MR sister. I gained the reputation of taking the kids no one wanted. within five years I had 8 special needs kids other than my own. We had bought a larger house, I had been working full time several years at my dream job, and managed to graduate college with honors while working full time abs having 7 kids at home. The future was bright my plan was to have one last baby and live happily ever after. I was pregnant but hadn't told anyone. One Saturday afternoon I miscarried. I didn't even tell my husband because I was still dealing with anxiety and was afraid of his reaction. On top of that both my sisters were pregnant with their first children, due on the same day, which would have been the month my child would have been born. Extreme depression followed.
Over the next 4 years my adopted daughter had a baby with my 15 year old nephew, my oldest daughter became a drug addicted prostitute and disappeared, my middle daughter was raped and attempted suicide, my son was jailed for assaulting me and robbing us. I actually hag 3 different kids in the different mental hospitals at one time. I adopted my grandson and tried to muddle through. I was angry at God, cutting myself and drinking.
One morning I was exhausted. It was 1 am and I was still awake with the baby that appeared to have some special needs of his own. My phone rang. My dad told me my mom had pneumonia and had been admitted to the hospital. Four days later she died the day she died I found myself in the emergency room with food poisoning, only to find out I was pregnant. My husband was so angry he wouldn't speak to me or even sleep in the same room. Four months later my paternal grandmother died, two months after that my maternal grandmother died. A month after that I had a beautiful daughter, and returned home from the hospital to find a foreclosure notice on the front door. A month later my dad remarried a woman who cut him off from his family. Two months later I was able to move into my childhood home. All 10 of us in a 1200 square foot house. Within the next 3 months my husband's father, uncle, grandmother, grandfather, and the best man from our wedding died. Two months after that I found out my MR, bipolar 15 year old daughter was pregnant. My husband completely shut down and frequently missed work. Fast forward a year. The 11 of us are still in a little house. I work 50 house a week with virtually no help from my husband. I have almost no extended family support. My house stays filthy and I don't feel like I'm giving any of my kids the attention they deserve.
I know God had to strip away self sufficiency and that he's enough. With the depression and hopelessness I'm feeling right now I'm not being a mother that is raising productive Christian members of society. I don't want this to be all there is. I want more for my family, I just don't know how. At the same time I ache for a husband that loves me. . This is not abundant life. There has to be more, I just hope it's this side of heaven.

[dema]

WOW!

I've felt overwhelmed with my life - but you certainly have it topped! Actually, comparisons like that aren't good. Because emotional hurt is a lot like physical hurt. When you break your leg, you dont' compare it to the person who has an incurable disease - you just go to the doctor and get help. Why think about what the pain the other guy has other than to say a prayer and a kind word - you get yourself taken care of.

It sounds like you are becoming increasingly aware.

Please notice - the continuing issue from generation to generation is parents who are overwhelmed. The parent is super busy, super stressed and the child isn't getting what he or she needs. There isn't fault here. Instead there is a cycle of living a life that is reaction instead of decision. With hurt people who are just trying to live another day.

This led to you feeling invisible - and getting into a situation where you were abused. Had you not been invisible, your parents would have noticed and asked and investigated - maybe. Unfortunately, that doesn't always happen. I know. However, when you aren't invisible - when you are getting other attention - then the damage is less severe and help is more likely to come along. But when you are invisible - well - the invisibility itself is hugely damaging.

I hope you will start trying to SEE your children. Even for a minute twice a day. Look them in the eye. Say something that has to do with them and them alone. Seek to know them. really, five minutes twice a day would make a difference. Think how long you went without being seen by your parents. How would five minutes twice a day have felt? Sometimes we think it has to be an hour, an event, something special. But there aren't the resources for that. And you seeing them will mean that they see you - maybe not nicely. But somehow even hostile attention beats no attention at all.

This is a cycle. From generation to generation. It isnt' anyone's fault. Blame doesn't help anyone. Breaking the cycle means changing behavior. Yes, God loves you - but the concept I was trying to get across is - that God works through us. It isn't saying a prayer and everything is all better. When we are taught wrong and are living bad habits, there are results from the bad habits. You and your family are over involved. No fault. No excuses necessary. I understand that your house would be filthy - when do you have time? Getting the kids involved is ideal. But the trouble is - getting them to do anything at all at first is way more work on you than doing it. And you don't have time to do it - so how do you have time to get them involved?

Perhaps rewards? A favorite meal if they will do chores for a week. And always follow through. NEVER make a promise you don't keep. So secret away the money before you make the deal. But the meal could be spaghetti and meatballs, or pizza with a coupon? Something you don't normally do. Or renting a movie. I don't know how you live so I don't know what to suggest.

Obviously you have been through and are going through a lot. I need to run right now. Talk more later.

Hugs. God leads us. He doesn't wave a magic wand - he leads. Hugs.

[dema]

I think you have amazing perception. A really incredible sense of what is needed and what is going on. And the fact that you keep putting one foot in front of the other and making it to work, without support - holding everyone more or less together - it is truly amazing. God loves you - and you must be pulling strength from Him. Either that or you are part super-hero. God bless you. Write again.

[alyce356]

I definitely no superhero, so we will give God the credit. Thank you for taking the time to offer your insight, encouragement, and practical advice. I often feel isolated. I have homeschool acquaintances, but none that work. I know people raising special needs kids, but none with my kids challenges or jobs. I know working moms, but none with more than 3 kids and no grandparent to pick up the slack. I've tried traditional counseling, but I'm not yet comfortable with that level of openness. Nice not to be "invisible" have a blessed Sunday.

[dema]

I'm a great fan of baby steps. Or alternately, of at least I.....

When the children were little they would get their rooms so bad they couldn't cope. Telling them to clean it was useless. However, if I told them, "Just pick up the doll clothes." They could do that. And then I'd go back and say, "Just pick up the blocks." And after a couple of rounds, maybe have a story or a snack. And then go back to "Just pick up the...."

This is good for adults too. I can't deal with this mess, but I will clean the bathroom sink. I can't deal with everything, but if I take a garbage bag and get rid of the garbage, that won't take very long.

This can work well with teenagers. They always want to go somewhere. If you are providing car keys or money for gas, that is another leverage.

Please pick up the trash in the living room and then take the trash out and then you can have the car keys. Or then you can have the $10 to buy diapers.

If you will learn to break life into smaller tasks, then things get done. As long as it is one huge blob - it doesn't.

Don't serve supper until everybody does something - but make it small. Vacuum one room, wipe up one mess, throw one load in the washer, put away one pile of books or movies or whatever. Something for each person that takes ten minutes roughly. You have ten people. That is a lot of cleaning in ten minutes. But do it when they want something from you. They always want something from you. So you have a lot of opportunity to require ten minutes of them.

Hugs. I think you have been very strong for a long time. And not only do you have the right to demand help, it is very good for them. Being a leech is terrible on a person's self-confidence.

And when they do it - thank them. Yes, they should have done it anyway. But thank them. And if you notice how nice it is later, tell them. There is a little monster inside of us that will want to not thank them, because they should have done this years ago. But thank them anyway. The stubborn little knot in the chest is a bad thing. In general, when you feel the stubborn knot, confront it. Usually as soon as you look at what it is saying you realize it is the wrong thing. And when you do the opposite, light comes in the window.

Of course I don't know you personally, so if this hits a chord........??????

Prayers.

A little step at a time, consistently, can move mountains. God bless you.

[Dora]

No wonder you are overwhelmed and struggling depression and anxiety.

I am praying for you.

[jessicarose6]

I am so glad that you were willing to share your story here. I think that it is very important to explain your story, to see it in writing. I am so very sorry that you've led such a tough life. You really are Supermom. I think it's all good ideas, what everyone is else is telling you to do. Trying to get the kids to help out.

Do you still find time to make it to church? Do you still have God in your life? I really think that would make a big difference. You and your family could sacrifice one hour a week to make it to church. Just take charge, and force the children to go, they obviously need God's guidance too. I think you have been putting everyone else's needs in front of your own for so long that you have lost your sense of identity, your faith. I think it's time that you start working on YOU. Just take a little bit of time everyday, maybe right before you go to bed, to talk to God, and explain how you're feeling. Maybe make some mantras.

I am good enough.

I am a strong, independent woman who loves God and has children that need me. I am needed.

Anything that will give your life just a little bit more worth. Maybe if you really wanted to try, you could slowly save up some money for extra care in the home, for the disabled children. It could be nurses, or even just a babysitter, so all the work is not on you. That would take a lot of stress off of you.

I'm just giving you some ideas. I don't know your whole situation, but I'm thinking of ways that could help YOU. If you are active members of your church, I'm almost positive that you could find help through the church. Whether it be babysitters, extra food, volunteering projects, etc.

Getting your children involved in church is a tough thing to do, but in the end, if they start to accept God, it would be completely worth it! At first, you need to push them, force them to do what you say. You are the mother, they have to listen to you. Tell them that if they don't go or participate, they don't get money, or the car.

That is how I was raised. Whenever my mother told us to do something, we did it. If we didn't do it, and she had to tell us to do it 3 times, then she would yell. Then if we still didn't do it, we got wacked across the head. That is just being a parent though. You have to let them know that you are in charge.

I really hope some of these ideas will help you. Even if it's just you talking to God for 5 minutes a day, that could help so much. You just have to trust in Him that if you talk to him, he will help you.

I have been down the wrong path, but ever since I've restored my relationship with God, my life has been getting better. Good things have been happening for me, and they can happen for you too! If you just have faith, trust and believe in God that he will help you through this.

Things can always get better.

God Bless You,
Jessica

[alyce356]

Thanks for your input. The kids and I have always been active in church. I teach adult Sunday School and children's church. My kids all attend regularly. This weekend my sister made an obvious, but encouraging statement. I aid I hate the position my kid are in. I feel like I'm unable to give them the time they need, and they lack a Godly male role model. She said, "Don't toy think God knew that? You either trust him or not." Good stuff..

[dema]

That is good stuff. God loves you too, you know. God sees you. Let yourself see you once in a while. Buy yourself the lipstick or the coffee you want sometimes. It's easy to figure that your child could use the gift more than you. But you need something here and there too.

Prayers for you. And hugs.