Christianity Oasis Forum

[InQuestofAwe]

I like to smoke weed. Not alot of weed. Just a little hit every 4 hours to keep me mellowed out (like daddy!) so I don't attack the walls in my apartment or start screaming at myself in front of the kids. But I feel bad about that, so sometimes I try to quit but then I just start to feel like I'm gonna snap so I have a couple of shots and think at least I'm not breaking the law. I also like to shop online mostly for clothes and shoes or beauty products except I have no money so I just make little wish lists or throw items in my bag/cart with no hope of checking out, like pretend shopping. Obviously I can't sit around shopping all day so sometimes I like to mix it up and play video games. They're mostly about false gods, divination and manipulations, violent slaughter and demonic creatures. but its better than going back to the online virtual world where I committed virtual adultery with three different "Masters". which reminds me of my favorite addiction- bdsm. no need to go into detail....but my husband/master works all the time so I just like to play dress up with all my lingerie which almost always consists of a photo shoot which leads me into a strange self worship where I stare at these beautiful pictures I take of myself and marvel at how awesome they are in contrast to what I see in the mirror. sometimes they inspire me to draw or paint pictures of naked women nothing lewd really, all very tasteful but still mostly nude because I'm obsessed by every curve of the female body - not sure if this falls under narcissism or lesbianism. I also cuss/lie every time i open my mouth. So I just need to get saved right? only problem is I said the sinners prayer when I was 2 and 3 and 4 and 5 and 6 and 7 and at least once a year since. I went to a baptist school when I was little they told us a bible story every day,and on wednesdays we filed into the assembly room for a sermon just for us. I always looked forward to the missionary stories and I wanted more than anything to be a missionary. I learned to read out of the old king james version bible when I was 5. But I had been studying the scriptures long before that. I loved the word of God.Jesus. When I was alone, which was often I would make up songs for God about how much I loved him and all the things he made and how pretty they were. My parents couldn't afford to keep me in that school though, so they home schooled me because mom couldn't stand to send me to the public schools in Daytona beach. I had no friends but I had God. I had Jesus and the Holy Spirit. I listened to christian radio all day, Dobson, Swindall, Dr. David Jeremiah, I fell asleep praying and woke up singing. God used to tell me when my favorite song was on. So much has happened since then. I've been trying to get back to that place but it's no matter how sorry I am or how scared I am I never stay long. I'm disobedient. I have no will power. I rebel against anything and everything. I never thought I could get this lost. I've been possessed 2 times and I'm scared it will happen again if I don't change soon. I'm drawn more and more to witch craft the temptation is hard to resist. I dream about murder. My life is full of more bs than most non believers I know. I have a toddler and a baby that I should be raising up in the way they should go and I can't because my mind is so twisted up with sin. all i can do is beg God to protect them anyway and hope that some how he can hear me despite my total failure to obey him. I have so little hope. I'm afraid I'm like apostate or something. It's like I just don't have the strength to break free. I'm angry and spiteful and selfish. I hate what I've become. I hope this works. I hope there's a miracle at the end of this thing.

[dema]

The words of your mouth are important.

There is the story. In every person there are two dogs. A good dog, and a bad dog. The one who flourishes is the one your feed the most.

This is a conscious decision. It can't be by what you feel like doing. You have to decide.

and the words of your mouth, and your thoughts are important.

What you choose to do with your life is important.

Satan fell because he worshiped himself. Worshiping yourself is serving the other master.

This isn't an easy answer. But it is a true one. When you said the sinner's prayer you accepted Jesus as LORD. As in Lord and Master. That means you will SERVE. Serving is different for all of us. But some things are the same.

1. Time in prayer.
2. Time in study - read Bible verses. Copy them on cards. Meditate on them.
3. Time in worship - listen to Christian music.
4/ Be an example.
5. Give to God by giving to others - no money? Then give time. You could take your little ones to a nursing home to play with the older folks.
6. Think about God and serving God.
7. Do not confess wanting to do witchcraft and other evil things. If you think it - think of soemthing else, and do not say it. If you speak about it - use the past tense.

Words of your mouth are important. Joyce Meyer has written good books on this. There are studies here and videos on joycemeyer.org

God bless.

[InQuestofAwe]

I have no money, no car,no license, no friends and no social skills. I can't think of anything I have to give. I'm useless but I guess I'm not supposed to say it. I like the idea of God being my Master but I'm scared he doesn't want me. I never say things out loud, mostly because there's no one to say them to except my husband but he doesn't like to be bothered with that kind of thing because he's gone from sun up to sun down and only comes home to eat and sleep. I'm a little overwhelmed with my kids they just cry all the time and i want to cry too. but I'm gonna try to pray and study and worship. If I'm still capable of worship. I'm actually afraid to worship. I think its gonna hurt.

[dema]

I'm sorry for your pain. I feel for you. God does love you. He really, really loves you.