Christianity Oasis Forum

[Shan]

I'm completely overwhelmed by my emotions and feelings that I don't know which way is up and which way is down. If I'm traveling in the right or wrong direction. My entry will most likely be a mess and a bunch of scattered thoughts, emotions and feelings. I think i'd prefer a check list to a written out account.

My life is a mess.

I am thankful I have finally crashed and burned. This was brought on by my constant trust and doubt issues with my husband and he's setting some boudaries now. He wants space, exactly what I have feared but I know is needed.

I am one of those people who always want to be happy and pursue it above all else yet am so miserable inside. Flawed

My biological father left when I was 18 months old and never looked back.

I was incestually (is that a word?) abused as a child.

God introduced himself to me when I was 11. Has been with me every step of the way even though I ignored Him alot.

My daddy (step-dad) abandoned me when I was 13. He was the only father I knew. My mom married him when I was 4.

After that it seemed I had one desire and that was to be loved. My mom was in her own mess (divorce,out at bars, bringing men home) and didn't give me the love I needed as a teenage girl. So I looked for love in boys. Obviously this was a mistake.

Now I'm a mother of two but no longer with my kids dad. A blessing. There were years of forced sex and pornography in that relationship.

My husband has a porn addiction and the last known weakness was over a year ago. He says it was a victory for him because he did look at the movie on his phone but didn't watch it. Unfortunately, I had to find out by finding it on his phone. He blamed my inability to handle it on him not telling me. We have some issues there to work out but nothing I think that constitutes a divorce. We are both much more open about the topic. I set the boundary that he looks at porn anymore I leave, I think he has respected that, atleast he says he has so I must trust him unless I find out otherwise. He's angry or confused with God that a complete healing hasn't taken place in his desire for porn.

Having said that, I'm married to a man seven years older than me who until recently I didn't know is exactly the kind of person I want to spend my life loving. I hope it's not too late and I haven't sabotaged this relationship beyond repair. He is an over the road car hauler, stays in hotels every night he works. Right now were not talking unless I call him and I'm not doing that much cause I know he needs freedom right now.

Unfortunately, I have major trust and doubt issues with men.

Truthfully I don't trust anyone, even myself.

I've been living in a state of self-pity and an emotional roller coaster since my dad left. My husband has been exposed to it now for almost seven years.

It's my responsibility to fix these problems yet until now I didn't know that.

I want to forgive myself for the mistakes I've made as I know my daddy God has.

I've hurt my husband so much with my lack of trust and doubt in him. I feel so guilty but this is good. It's time for me to grow and usually it takes some pain to grow. God's word says, "no discipline seems pleasant at the time, but painful."

I want to trust people, I just haven't ever known how but now I'm taking responsibility in finding out how.

I need some friends to help me grow in this issue, some accountability. I have none and I'm afraid.

I have dumped so many loads on my husband that he's been so loaded with the responsibilities. How wrong and selfish, immature.

I'm sad that it had to take seeing my husbands pain for me to wake up but I'm excited too that I might be able to come into the light.

For a long time I've only allowed the bad in and it's destroyed any good that might've happened.

I want to start taking responsibility for my self, gain confidence, love who I am, control my self and allow the Holy Spirit to guide my plans and actions. His fruit is so good!

That's all for now. I'm exausted emotionally and need to recharge for another day. I hope someone here will be my friend and help me to help myself. Thank you.

[Ruths_daughter]

Shan, my heart goes out to you. Thank you for your honesty! You will be in my prayers.
((((hugs!))))
May God bless you and heal your heart~
Your new sister in Christ

[realtmg]

Hi there,
i just want to say hang in there and stay focused on these steps.
I will be your friend as well as many others here. I mean friends that really care for you and how you feel and want you to grow. Just take small steps and you will see Just how God will heal.

In Christ love,
Real

[Shan]

Thank you to both of you, I appreciate your support and prayers.

Onto day two. WOW!!!!

What a program! Such wisdom and knowledge and thank you God for guiding me here. The answer is in you Father, in your word, in your truth. I do have a friend and He is the best friend I could ever have and his name is Jesus.

Learning today that my mind is my soul is an indcredible freeing moment for me that I'll never forget. I get to control my soul, my mind! My soul is not my abusers, not my dad's, not my ex's, not my husband's, not my kids, but mine and mine alone. Even though I've heard this before it's like I really get it now, God and Satan are at war for my soul. No wonder I've been on the crazy, zig zagging roller coaster of emotions. Who will I listen to? What will I allow to take root and grow stronger and stronger? God's truth or Satan's lies. I know which one I'm going to let control my soul. Praise God.

Time for me to take responsibility for what I allow in my mind. I'm so thankful I can, I really didn't know it was possible.

Gosh for so long I've been allowing the anger and resentment, pain, shame, guilt, fear and doubt to control me and my actions, my thoughts to the point I'm physically ill now. And on the other hand God was speaking His goodness and truth into me, what a roller coaster for my family and I to live on, especially me for so many years. Heal the mind (soul), heal the the spirit (emotions), heal the body (flesh).

I literally googled the other day "how to get soul back?". No surprise that I didn't find the answer but Amen, praise my Father He led me here to give me the TRUTH. And actually what did pop up from the search was very evil, I stopped looking.

Now I'm just going to let this all sink in, try to process all this info. But I want tasks to complete. I want someone to test me (God go easy on me, baby steps) to see if I can truly control my emotions, my thoughts, and stop doubting and listening to the lies of satan that that person wants to hurt me. My hope is my husband will forgive me the roller coaster I've put him on and give me a chance to show him I am worth it. I'm worth waiting for, I'm worth the pain, I'm worth forgiveness. This is my life now, I'm taking it back and whether my husband leaves or not which literally breaks my heart to say those words and causes extreme anxiety I know that I'm not alone and that my greatest fan and friend will never leave me or forsake me when others would. I will in that peace today.

Thank you God for giving me this avenue to work through this mess I allowed to be created in me. I just didn't know but now that I do I'm responsible Father and I will change but I need your help.

[Ruths_daughter]

Loved what you wrote. I felt the same way on step two. In fact, each one has been a step that has given me new tools and insight that I needed to know & understand. I'm glad for my new friend...
Praying for you~
May God bless you, heal you & keep you~
Your sister in Christ

[Shan]

Thank you friend.

Today was a victory even though it's been painful.

I'm having to learn things all over again. Like I've finally woken up from a coma.

In the morning when I wake I usually wake up angry. I've hated this in me but never knew how to or what to or why...

This morning I pulled that weed right out of my soul and burned it! I'm taking my soul back Satan you hear me and I'm not doing it alone now. God is right beside me, so is Jesus and Holy Spirit.

Well that felt good just to put that down here. The line has been drawn, boy setting boudaries is... well it's pretty darn nice. Even though I am in the midst of cleaning up this mess I have created I actually smiled and giggled with myself and God this morning. Praise be to God! I don't think I've ever done that.

The anxiousness inside of my heart has died a little tonight which is such a relief, thank you Holy Spirit. My husband still hasn't called which makes me sad and hurts but I'm dieing to self to give him what he wants because I love him. Boy I truly love my husband! If you knew me, you would know this is a big step for me (to give him space). In the past something like this I wouldn't have allowed because of my fear of abandonment. I'm starting to get it that if God gives me a choice then who am I to try to control anyone. I'm so sorry to him for all these years of controlling him with guilt. Breaks my heart and I hope I get the chance to tell him that face to face.

On another positive note I fought another demon today. I'm hoping to forgive my childhood sexual abuser. I wrote about the first time it happened last night in my journal. It was extremely terrifying but healing I'm sure. This person is still very much around in my life as he is a family member. I've never confronted him about it but I'm praying for God to show me His will in this situation. See he still says things that are innapropriate and uncomfortable. I believe he does this to try to intimidate me into not speaking about what happened. If I still fear him then his secret is safe sort of thing. Well, I think it's time to stop that wickedness. I'm scared but I know the Holy Spirit will guide me to do the right thing.

Thank you everyone for your thoughts and prayers. I can't tell you how nice it is knowing I'm not alone.

[Shan]

The weed called Blame...

I have blamed a lot of my problems on OTHER people. They might have committed an offense towards me but I have the choice and responsibility in how I handle it. Will I handle it according to God's Will or do what the devil wants and start pitying myself. I think it's important to look at why the thoughts or actions cause me to behave in a certain way. All goes back to how our Mind (soul) controls the Spirit (emotions) which controls our Body (flesh). Pretty powerful stuff especially knowing we are made in the image of Them, God (soul) Jesus (body) and the Holy Spirit. It's not by accident that we are three parts working as one.

Ok, so back to blame. It's important for me to remember where sin originally came from. I think this will help me to have compassion on my offenders/myself and allow me to open up and allow God to help me forgive others/myself. Actually I know that it will. What I liked about the stepping stone today was that I learned that we become responsible for the blame when we ignore our conscience and listen to the lies satan tells us and allow those lies to cause us to sin. This helps me to understand that yes I may have been wronged but I had a choice in how I reacted to it. Amen.

I'm asking the Holy Spirit to teach me in the moment how to control my thoughts so I can in turn control my emotions and my body. This is so amazing to me. I've been out of control for a long time and I'm thankul to the Father for his love and discipline. Time for some meat!

[redbandit]

I have a lot of trouble with blaming others, or rather blaming certain circumstances, and saying "oh thats why I'm so messed up".
(((hugs))) if you ever need 2 talk, feel free to contact me

[Shan]

Thank you red! Nice to know I'm not the only one.

Not a whole lot to say today. Just kind of moving slow, baby steps, not rushing nothing. Praying a lot, talking to God and working on building our relationship.

Working on the new exercise I've been given in the 7th step. Ejecting lies, for 30 days and this is supposed to help me to naturally start doing it. Good, I hope it works.

My husband and I are talking and working through things. I'm really blessed to have him in my life and he's giving me space and time to work through this mess.

Hugs everyone and thank you for all your support.

[Shan]

I'm trying to live a Godly life in an ungodly world.

This isn't going to be easy but it doesn't have to be miserable either. Amen

Our trials and tribulations bring patience, and patience, strength and power. Now I understand why Paul said to rejoice in your struggles.

One of the people of the bible who stands out most is Job. He was stripped of everything but he always sought the Lord. He also had friends who even tho they may have meant well didn't help him. My mom is like that. She means well but she's not a godly woman so she can't really help. Actually, she does more bad than good when I take some of my struggles to her for advice. I'm usually ending up defending why I need to do it differently then she's suggesting which probably makes her feel like "why did she even ask me my advice". Time to stop seeking advice from non believers. I must seek His answers.

I wrote this down from one of the studies and stuck on the wall by my computer:

If I believe in and love God, but don't believe He can get certain things done without my help...that is being double minded. If I believe that He did all those miracles in the bible but miracles couldn't possibly happen in my life...that is being double minded.

James 1:8 says "...a double minded man is unstable in all his ways."

[Mackenaw]

Hello Shan

God bless you this day.

I've been following along with your posts and praying for you. I have been blessed by the words you have shared in faith -- that blessed faith The Lord has given you. When we confess our faith and speak it, it releases power into any and all situations. If, then, our faith is in The Lord, wooooooooohooooooo!!! God is so very Good!!!

I love that The Holy Spirit showed you the "double minded" scriptures and that you are understanding it, and applying it to your life. In the same vein, When farmers need rain, they don't pray "please don't give us clear skies and sunshine" no, they pray "please give us rain". We must pray for what it is we want, not what we don't want. It's rather odd that we, as humans, have twisted that, huh? But, I still catch myself doing that...forgetting to petition God for what it is I truly desire.

Continue on with the study and continue embracing the Truth shared within each stepping stone. The Truth shall set you free. Hallelujah!!! Thank You Jesus \o/ \o/ \o/

Prayers continue to rise to our Lord in the name of Jesus on your behalf. May God's blessed will be done.

God bless and keep you, Shan.
In Christ Jesus' love,
Sister Mack

[Dora]

Thanks for sharing Shan. It encouraged me.