Christianity Oasis Forum

[notjustanumber]

Please pray for my daughter and for me. She talks to me so mean and gets so defensive about
absolutely everything! If I tell her breakfast is ready she will be
defensive. It is so miserable. Every thing we say to her she
says....I didn't do that. She won't see anything she is doing wrong.
Even in simple things where we are being extremely sweet. We were
trying to help her with her homework and she threw a fit. I
can't take too much more of it. I feel like just letting her do
whatever she wants and quit trying because I am tired of her spewing
at me all the time. Even when we are nice to her she is so mean to us.
I am over reacting now to it too because I am just so tired of it. I have tried taking things away from her. She never does anything anymore. She is always in trouble.
Please pray for both of us. We had another round of it this morning
and I feel really really bad and the enemy keeps reminding me of
mistakes I made. I yelled. I feel so bad about that. Plus please pray she will tell her dad she loves him and call him dad and not by his name. He has been her legally adopted dad now for 5 years and he is good to her.

[JulieAnn]

Hello notjustanumber,

First of all, I will certainly hold your daughter and you up in prayer.

I know you've not asked for advise, so I pray you won't mind be giving a little input. My heart feels for you. Teen years can be a rough journey for some teens; not to mention what it does to the parents and the family unit as a whole.

A few thoughts came to mind while reading your post: Teen girls face many stress factors in their lives such as hormone changes & monthly cycles - which can cause a lot of emotional ups and downs; peer pressure, wanting indepencence but not actually ready for it, challenging authority, boys, parties, drugs, etc etc. She could even be experiencing depression.

She's obviously dealing with anger and resentment, as well as feeling a lack of respect towards you and her father. Possibly this is related to you, or it could be other factors causing her to lash out. Howver, you can't just allow her to lash out and explode at you and her dad, and throw tantrums without consequence or some type of intervention. If she is unwilling to talk with you and discuss her emotions or inner struggles, possibly arrange for her to recieve counseling from a christian counselor, who's experienced in biblical counseling, and working with teens. If there is a serious issue, hopefully, a counselor can draw it out of her. She may, at the very least, need someone to "dump" on and help her sort out her 'feelings' and 'struggles'. Teen years can be difficult. If she refuses counseling, and shows willful rebellion and disrespect, all I can say is "hold on, it's a bumpy ride". Discuss with her (you and your husband) your clear expectations and boundaries for her behavior, and responsibilies in your home, school, etc. And, above all pray, pray, pray. Plead the blood of Jesus over her daily. It would probably be good for you and your husband to seek out biblical counseling to help you through this "season", too. Parenting a teenager is not easy.

You mentioned she was adopted by your husband about 5 years ago. As much as you, and your husband my want this, I would not force your daughter, nor make her feel badly for not calling your husband, "Dad", and to tell him she loves him. She is fully aware she is not doing this, and you cannot put pressure on her to do this. She may resent this, and possibly some of her anger is related to her biological dad and her adoption. Just food for thought.

God bless you. In His love and prayer, JulieAnn

[dema]

I really recommend that you don't respond when she is disrespectful. She needs the car or a ride. Make her ask nicely. Sit down and wait for her to ask nicely. It is a little thing, but one where you have total control.

Also, don't reward bad behavior. If she wants a special food or special clothes, make her be respectful for three days or three hours - but don't get her what she wants when she is disrespectful. She probably wants all sorts of popular stuff. Make sure she doesn't get it when she is behaving rudely.

You are thinking about your mistakes - that is the issue here. You are God's. Let God forgive you and move on.

Children want to know their limits. You are responsible for holding limits. If you don't, the police will. Seriously, some children push until SOMEBODY makes them quit pushing. They want to have somebody push back.

If you push back, even in the little areas, then it meets this need i the child. The child won't really feel that you love her if you don't love her enough to push back. This is really true. You can probably google and find it if you are good. Probably need to be excellent at this because I don't know any weird words and it is hard to google with common words.

Hugs.

[TrueAndMagneticNorth]

Notjustanumber,

Sorry to hear about your problems. I worked in a high school for one year and vowed never to set foot back in one. Since then I only work with kids or adults. Unfortunately, it is in those teenage years when people are generally at their most vain, irrational and rebellious. (Of course, there are always exceptions; many adults are just as bad, and of course a portion of teenagers break the mould, etc.)

In Proverbs 22:15 Solomon tells us, 'Folly is bound up in the heart of a child, but the rod of discipline will drive it far away.' ('Child' here is also clearly interpreted to mean 'youth'). I'm not telling you how to discipline your child here. After all I, in my time at the high school, was constantly abused, threatened, disrespected, had things thrown at me, etc. If there's a sobering lesson to be taken from this verse in Proverbs, it's that your daughter is behaving in a rather typical way for a teenager. (Though, of course, I don't forget that in each case there are also extra, unique circumstances).

I have seen examples of youth treating their parents with great disrespect, but many, many years later, apologizing for it and understanding that the parents all along had only the best intentions. I know, sometimes it's hard to look at the long-term picture when the short-term is so tough. But I hope you can be encouraged when considering this long-term picture. I honestly believe that, while we are all sinners, most rebellious youth at least partially grow up afterward, and shed some of the worst elements of their teenager era.

In the meantime, don't think that seeds that you are planting now might never grow. It can take years. And amid all of the rebellion coming from your daughter, if you are still planting seeds, they may well grow one day. In 1 Corinthians, 3: 5-8, for example, it talks about God's servants planting seeds, but God ultimately being the one to choose whether they grow or not. I will pray to God that He continue to help you plant seeds in your daughter's heart, and that He may let them grow according to His own plan.

As the previous poster suggested, you did not ask for advice and so I won't give any at this point. I will pray for your family, that God's will shall be ultimately done in your family, and that He strengthen you all and guide you all during these tumultuous times.

God bless.

[dema]

I taught high school also. For a year and a half - and then it closed. Kitds would get detention on purpose in order to talk. They needed to be heard. Parents tend to interrupt and start lecturing. Or freak out. I listened. Asked questions. And they came to their own conclusions.

It is more difficult to do that when you live with them. I know. I lived with three. One thing that really surprised me about that. They wanted my attention. All the time. 13-15 years old and they wanted my attention. All the time. I would time it. 20 minutes and they would want something from me. They were normal kids. Had friends. But there they were - popping in again.

I think sometimes they get angry because they aren't noticed. We expect them to be self-involved. Or involved with their friends. The feel like they aren't kids. They are just kinda lost. Don't know where they are.

My children are grown and live near by. We get along well.

But you do have to stop the rude rebelliousness. I was in a wheel chair with three rebellious daughters and they cooked my food, put it where I couldn't reach it and disappeared. I was frustrated and furious and I lost it. And in my resulting fury I said something that caused them to tremble in their boots and pretty much clean up their act forever (to a degree - they still did stuff, but when I spoke, it was different after that.)

I said, "I don't have to treat you nice. I don't have to take you anywhere but school. I will take you to church. But I don't have to. I have to buy you clothes. But I can buy you ugly clothes. I have to buy you food. But I can buy you food that you hate As long as there is food here, I won't get in trouble. You NEED me. And you better realize that. Because if you don't realize that, then I can make your life a miserable place without it being inconvenient to me at all."

Life changing.

[Mackenaw]

Hello Notjustanumber (((hugs)))

God bless you this day.

I'm sorry I'm so late in responding.

Notjustanumber, I know it can be challenging at times to understand what is going on with your daughter, but we all know that the teenage years can be very challenging, under the best circumstances. Lots of changes, lots of questions, lots of uncertainty, etc.

Remember, she is still your baby. No, she is not an infant, but she is still that same life that you held so precious and that same life that needs nurturing, love and gentle guidance.

The last couple years has been a challenge to all 3 of you. For each challenge your husband went through, it affected her life. For each challenge you went through, it affected her life. Her anger and rebellious attitude is just a reflection of the turmoil that has been building inside her mind for a couple years now.

Several months back you said she was suffering with an eating disorder. I know you were concerned for her, and your pastor suggested you give her some much needed attention, while the two of you re-established some order and balance back into your lives. She was troubled then -- perhaps it was a result of her inability to deal with all that was, and had been, going on in your family's life up to that point. Did you get some help for her?

Prayers are rising to our Lord in the name of Jesus on behalf of you, your daughter and your husband. May God's blessed will be done.

God bless and keep you, Notjustanumber.
Love,
Sister Mack