Christianity Oasis Forum

[dema]

I think we all have this issue. Sometimes we just hurt so bad, we wonder how we can go on. And we see others who have had worse injuries going on and so we feel guilty.

My father used to have to work long hours for his job just at certain times. Once it went on for 11 months - 84 hours a week for 11 months. When it was over, he would get sick. The long year I think he got sick over and over for months.

When we are injured, we go into shock. When we are in shock, we do what we have to do. When we really have to do something, the adrenalin kicks in. And that really helps us to do what we have to do.

When we operate under the influence of adrenaline for a long time, we deplete ourselves in every way possible. And then one day, we have no shock - and so the pain rushes in. And we have no adrenalin.

Pain is debilitating. Stub your little toe and you don't think about anything else for a little while. No matter whether our pain was huge or huger or beyond imagination, when we come out of the shock and adrenalin, our pain is debilitating. It just is.

The fact that we see others go on - well, we went on. We went on when we were under shock or adrenalin. And even, in the midst of the onrush of pain, when we have to go on, the adrenalin rushes in and we do. But in between, we collapse. And on the way to or from the collapse, we are aware of others who aren't collapsed. And we wonder how.

I think sometimes this heavy deadening cloud isn't bad. Sometimes I think it is our emotions telling us we need to rest emotionally the same way our bodies tell us we are tired. And I know that sometimes if I will just stop and take a "sick day", that the cloud lifts. And it is okay.

People think that depression is always bad. It isn't. If somebody dies, being depressed is natural. If it goes on too long, or makes you want to do bad things, then it is bad. But mourning is natural, good, necessary.

When we are in this heavy state, this black cloud of excess gravity, then it is so hard to judge. Am I allowed? Have I crossed over into sickness? Will I be here forever?

We need validation then. We need to be told it is okay. Without the guilt, it frequently isn't even particularly unpleasant. It is a heavy numbness. Not so unlike lying in bed waiting for a fever to lift. The fever sits on your chest, holding you down. But it doesn't necessarily hurt. Maybe a little. But mostly, you have to let it take its course. You have to give yourself time to heal. You have to give yourself permission to rest.

I am struggling with this myself. It is holidays. My granddaughter is dead. This year has had so many other stresses. Last year this time was pretty awful too. Memories this time of year are intense. And my intense memories aren't good. My life is good. Many memories are good. But the intense ones all stink. And that cloud - well, I need to find a way to rest and to do what needs to be done. Frankly, I can't. God will have to work it out. I will vow to pray and to try to listen, and God will have to work it out. One foot, one foot, one foot forward. Rest. Step, step, rest. Breathe, breathe, step, step.

God will have to work it out. I just can't. And that is okay. I was hurt. The shock has worn off. It is a rough time of year. It is okay. I am ALLOWED to hurt. No guilt. I am ALLOWED. And so are you. So are you.

PS What is too long? It depends. Two years is almost always too long. Sometimes two weeks is too long. Use judgement. Do what you have to do. But find time to mourn when you need to mourn. The Bible says, there is a time to mourn. There is. Maybe you need a dedicated day. Maybe you need a lot of them. If you aren't doing what needs to be done - get help. If it has been more than two years - get help. But let the guilt go. Kick the guilt. Hugs.