Christianity Oasis Forum

[deepwaters]

I am to celebrate my 15th wedding aniversary tomorrow with my husband of 15yrs. Lately, I have been so excited about my emotional progress, but today I have hit a serious snafoo. My husband is active duty military and I am worried that something might be going on with someone at his job. It is really hard for me, this is the first time ever in 15yrs of marriage that I have felt this way. I am not an idiot when it comes to these things, I was also active duty military and I would see these kind of affairs all of the time. They start with flirting and usually end in an affair right before someone transfers. It is the perfect scenario. The affair takes place, the victim spouses are none the wiser and these people easily hide the affair because they move away from one another.

Backstory, this single female has made her presence know to me back in Sept of 2011. Misteriously, she started showing up to my sons football games witht the pretense of snapping pictures. Then she hired my oldest son to cut her grass. Months go by and she starts playing pranks on my husband at work. They have a college football rivalry and the pranks went both ways. During a football party at my house, my she and my husband ended up talking military smack to one another and it ended with this women jumping on top of my husband wrestling with him in my kitchen. That was the last straw for me and I confronted him about her and I put my foot down or at least I thought I did. So, today after I put in for a day off to celebrate with my husband..he drops a bomb.

She wants him to come to her house to check out her "heater". It is not working and she wants to know if he will take a look at it. ARE YOU KIDDING ME???!!!! I could not believe my ears. I closed the chapter on this chick months ago. I said, I thought she has a new boyfriend, he better take some time off and deal with his girlfriends problem." Reponse, he is army and is currently deployed. My reply, " well wait a minute, isn't she renting her house? She should call her landlord to deal with her problem it is the landlords responsibility anyway!" Response, Oh...I don't know...uh? Maybe the landlord is a woman and doesn't know how to help." ARE YOU KIDDING ME?????!!!! Oh my goodness, I am reeling and this! My husband absolutely knows I do not like this woman, I find her inappropriate, and he is trying to paint me as the "jealous" wife. His point of view is ...this is his shipmate and he wants to help her out. Well, I am sorry I am your shipmate for life! My feelings should come first! Besides, it is called the yellow pages...let your fingers do the walking!

Ya'll let me know your take on all of this. Am I being to "sensitive" here? Perhaps I am hypersenstive because my father cheated on my mother when they were married. I feel so insecure in this situation. I feel like an affair has already happened and I want to punish him! I want to blow off our anniversary and give him a one way ticket to the doghouse! I feel angry and betrayed! I feel taken advantage of, I feel unloved and uncared about! I cannot believe I am going through this! Help!

[mlg]

hello deepwaters,

I can understand your emotions...and often we can be jealous of other females, who interact with our partner. The question has to be whether you trust your partner or not, and if your partner has done something to make you feel mistrust. Have you set down and discussed your anxieties with your partner? Has he tried to calm your fears in any way. Have you explained to your husband how she makes you feel?

God doesn't want anything to come between a marriage...but the enemy certainly does. He will do anything he can to destroy a marriage...and it's at times like this, that turning to God and His strength will pull you through.

I really think having open communication between you and your spouse is very important. It seems it's time to have a talk hun, and get your feelings and anxieties known to your husband. It's the best way...instead of allowing the enemy to continue to plant new anxieties and emotions within..

Prayers for you

Take care

[Christnundrconstruxn]

I agree with my sis Mlg.....but.......I also see the red flags you are speaking of.........but........I also see the past history of what you saw causing doubt as well, and you are right this kind of thing happens too often.
I think ALL relationships should have boundries and they should be openly agreed on from BOTH sides as well as respected from both sides.
If you go to God with this and ask that He show you if you are over reacting or if the worst is true that the Lord show you without no doubt, BUT please as our sister is telling you don't allow for satan to destroy your marriage on things you are guessing on and other peoples history, I am guilty of reading into things before I know them to be fact and I have done and said dumb things because of it, I just want you to have facts first.
This is a tricky thing because if you continue to trust and there is something wrong....OR if you start to badger and show nontrust and there is nothing there and you destroy your marriage due to nontrust.
So please be wise about this consider everything but keep an open mind and allow God to show you the answers.

I probably shouldn't add this BUT...if I was in this (I was married for 14 years) but from what you have said I would have talked to her and explained my wife IS uncomfortable with our "friendliness" and I love and respect her wishes and as for the checking her heater on your anniver. that would not in ANY way happen unless you 2 were friends and you were going as well.
sorry I had to be honest, but PLEASE do not assume....15 years is a long time
God bless and I pray God shows you the truth soon so you know, I pray it is the best outcome
Cuc

[Mackenaw]

Hello Deepwaters

God bless you this day.

There is, no doubt, some spiritual warring going on, and it is Satan doing what he does best...stealing, killing and destroying.

Your husband is not your enemy. While he may have let his guard down, he is not the enemy. Help him. Love him. God sees you as your husband's help mate -- not his jailer, not his boss and not his mama.

The co-worker: well, she represents fun, and at the same time, admiration. All human beings are vulnerable to admiration's hooks -- we often confuse it as someone showing us respect. If we're tempting someone, we are not showing them respect. However, with that having been said -- she is not the enemy, she is just a pawn in this spiritual warfare. Satan is the enemy.

God, please help us all. We need You. \o/ \o/ \o/

While praying for you, I felt the nudge of The Holy Spirit to go read your past posts. Wow, what a blessing. I hope you will go back and read your own posts...the one about your dad and the forgiveness, the one about imperfect parents and the one about the book you were reading about forgiveness. God spoke to you then. He is still speaking, and The Lord loves you and your husband so very much.

I continue to lift you up in prayers to our Lord in the name of Jesus, for renewal and sweet comfort. May God's blessed will be done.

God bless and keep you.
In Christ Jesus' love,
Sister Mack

[Iamhis]

YOU ARE NOTE MISREADING THINGS!!!! I wouldn't jump the gun and assume he is having an affair. Yet, I would get into some serious prayer and get a word from God and the word of God(the bible) on how to address an issue like this. I would be doubting myself,(if put in your situation) just like you cuz I am always trying to be so understanding. The bottom line is He is your husband. He wouldn't like it if you palled around wth an attractive guy. (even if he says he wouldn't) It isn't right!!! If he wants to help her which he shouldnt at all at all at all. I would try my best to tell him you will be going with him. He will probably change his mind and I would take a strong christian female friend with you if he insists on helping her with you there etccc) Because this is too emotional to handle by yourself and you could do something you regret that normally you wouldn't!!! I wouldn't really go with him cuz you could do something you would regret, but I would let him think you would if he persists. If that cuases a problem on trust- so be it. He is causing a trust issue himself right now.
He needs to think of your needs. Jumping on someone elses husband is NOT APPROPRIATE!!! Playing football games with a single woman isnt appropraite. She needs to find a single friend. "hUSBANDS LOVE YOUR WIVES LIKE THE CHURCH!!!" She isn't respecting you either. They obviously are connecting in someway and it should be stopped before it leads to something. It might just be your husband needs an outlet. You may need to learn how to communicate with him better and him you. We all need someone else to talk to even sometimes the opposite sex to try to understand them. However her goal should be to advise him on how to deal with wife issues,if there really is one, that is.

What is going on is he may feel he can communicate better with her at this time, but it is really a deception. I would pray about it first and try to be calm but firm(christlike and say something like" I know it's nice to have someone else to communicate with but not to the point of where it hurts the other spouse. I need to know I am fulfilling your needs.You can have other friends, but keep them males and women as acquaintences. Put your foot down and say you will not put up with this. If it's jealousy it is appropriate jealousy. He should know better.
i am so sorry you are going through this. I would try to talk to a female cousnelor online here on how to better deal with this. the bottom line is"Only god knows" but Godly counselors" help you find a way to deal with it that might work for his personality. My heart goes out to you!!! Remember, as yu put God 1st, you WILL get the VICTORY!!!This is not something new to God! Shelley

[deepwaters]

Thank you (all) for your careful thoughts and amazing advice. I allowed things to cool down yesterday and re-addressed my issue with our situation. I learned a lot. He was hurt, not by my objection....he was hurt because what he heard me say was, "I don't trust you." I had to own that. I hurt his feelings. I apologized and explained everything, carefully. After listening intently, he agreed that it is weird that she would ask him this favor. He also told me what I aready knew. He just wanted to help out a person who seemed to need help. (it is very much his character. He goes out of his way for anyone who needs a hand, even a total stranger.) He has requested that I go with him to her house to check out this heater thing. I prayed about it last night, and I will go,( Only because I can go with a genuine heart). I admire my husbands heart and giving spirit; I choose to support that wonderful gift in him.

My husband was very reassuring and loving towards me. He validated my feelings and point of view. We ended up having a very wonderful anniversary afterall. I thank God for this forum. A place where I can just vent, I can be weak and human! Each of you who responded gave me a wonderful gift of being heard. I feel very supported and I thank you for taking the time to carry my "burden" with me. You each gave great advice and awesome perspectives. The most amazing thing was I was able to read each response without getting defensive! That is huge for me! God is so good! I am realizing just how strong HE is in our weakness. Love you all!

[Mackenaw]

Hello Deepwaters

Hallelujah!!! Thank You Jesus!!!

Awwwww, so glad that you and your husband had a blessed anniversary. Happy Anniversary!!!

God bless and keep you.
In Christ Jesus' love,
Sister Mack

[Christnundrconstruxn]

I am happy for you as well as PROUD of how you handled it, that is awesome.
If there was more loving responses to each other as husband and wife such as this the divorce rate would drop considerably
I will continue to hold you and your husband in my prayers and I pray this woman understand her wrongs and maybe even become a good friend to you so that you can show her how a wife should stand by her husband.
May God pour His blessing upon you and your husband and refresh your love for each other as God means for it to be
Cuc

[mlg]

The power of Jesus...love watching God move and winning against the enemy...thank you for blessing us with the good news.