Christianity Oasis Forum

[cynthia]

I have been a single mother for the past 8 years after leaving an abusive marriage. It was severe abuse, but God has healed a lot in me over the years though there is still much work to be done. I do still struggle with anxiety and depression, though it has lessened in severity until recently.

I met a man at my church and I was very impressed with him. I thought he seemed like a very godly man. He started spending time with me and my children. His mother was always present as well which I thought was fine. I thought she was just chaperoning. He took us to the movies, came over the house to play games, help my son, with stuff, watch movies, etc, took me to lunch and so on. However, he always initiated each activity through his mother. She would call me saying "scott wants to know..." but he never called me himself. If I wanted to talk to him I had to call his mother and then he would call me back. I was not allowed to have his phone number. He said it was one of his quirky things and I could have his number when the time was right. I tried to be patient with it all because I really enjoyed talking to him but it was hard. Sometimes he was confusing and seemed distant whereas other times he seemed like he really liked me. I wasn't sure of his intentions and asked him after 2 1/2 months of spending time with him. Initaiily he said he didn't have any intentions and that the Lord had told him to help me and my kids. I thought that was odd given the fact that he wasn't really helping us and I knew that God knew how I would interpret this man's behavior. In the same conversation, he changed what he said, stating he did have intentions but had some issues he needed to work through. I was still terribly confused but he was so nice, caring, funny, and easy to talk to so I continued to try to be patient. I was seeking the Lord through all of this and terribly confused about what to do. Scott continued his slightly odd pursuit and within about 3 or 4 weeks from the time we had our converstaion about his intentions, he started calling me more. In fact, he eventually began to call every day.I loved talking to him and he really seemed to genuinely love the Lord. He would tell me that he just wanted to help and encourage me and that he wanted me to know that the Lord heard my cry. I was so blessed by it all. It has been very hard, especially since my son has severe behavioral issues and I am doing all this without help from family or their father, who is not allowed to see the kids. Scott eventually revealed that his intention was to marry me and told me all these amazing things the Lord had shown him. I felt the Lord had shown me that Scott was the one, too but I don't know what to think anymore. Scott would constantly tell me scripture the Lord had given him for me, things God had put on his heart to share with me, etc. He also revealed that he had been interested in me for 3 years and had just been waiting for the time to be right. The relationship was progressing nicely. Scott wanted to spend time with me, even if it meant coming to the laundromat while I did laundry. He was wonderful and seemed so compassionate towards my feelings. Occassionally he blew me off, though, and I was getting a bit frustrated, especially after he blew me off one day and didn't call. When I called him he said he'd meet up with me later and then he blew me off again. He called at 10:30 at night and wanted to come over (at this point his mom was not always present and had not been spending time with us for about 2 1/2 or 3 months). I initially said no but he said, "I'm just 5 minutes away." I said, "fine, Scott," but I was frustrated because I was really tired and I had waited all day just to spend time with him. When he came he looked upset and I asked what was wrong. He said he was upset because he knew I was upset. I didn't know how to respond to that. He asked if I was going to tell him why I was upset and then he got mad, saying "what do you want from me? Do you want my blood?" He went into the kitchen and said, "this will solve the problem." He pulled out a butter knife and held it over his wrist and asked if that was what I wanted. I was very upset and told him he needed to leave, I took the knife from him and put it away. I sat on the couch and he sat on the floor in front of me. He said, "I hate this life. F*** this life." I told him never to swear in my house again and he said okay. Then he started to cry and said he'd now hurt me in a way that he'd never wanted to. I tried to console him. Then he said he'd make it up to me and he rubbed my feet. I fell asleep while he was doing that and he wrote a letter to me before he left, telling me how sorry he was and that he would make it up to me, etc. I was upset about what had happened and I talked to him about it the next day. It was the first argument that we'd ever had. We had another argument a couple days later for various reasons. It had been over the phone and it had been frustrating because he seemed to turn things around. It wasn't too extreme, though. I was getting a little depressed, though, because I didn't feel like I could confront things with him without him getting depressed or angry. A few weeks later he proposed to me. It was incredibly romantic, like a fairy tale. I said yes. He proposed apx. three months after telling me that his intention was to marry me. He had talked about marrying me almost everyday after he announce his intentions and expressed how he could not wait to marry me. He was telling my kids he was goign to be their father and we even talked about him possibly adopting the kids. We were so excited. After he proposed, it seemed like there was a bit more contention and I was feeling unsure about him from time to time, but for the most part he was still absolutely wonderful. We had a fight, however, a week after he proposed because I tried to talk to him about something he had told me and he claimed he had not said that and he kept cutting me off and telling me something else had happened and the he told me that something had happened the Saturday before and I said, "no, Scott, you proposed to me that day." He said, "i'm out of here." It was such a strange reaction. He walked out but came back a minute later and then everything was fine. There were some other odd things. Three weeks after he proposed it was my birthday. He had been building my birthday up for 2 months and though he did give me nice gifts and brought me to some nice places, I was really looking forward to quality time with him. My kids had been with us and they had been complaining about doing things that I wanted to do. It had been so stressful lately because my son had been having so many problems and I was just so excited about my birthday. We came back to my house and Scott said he was tired. I said, "let's take a nap." we both sat there with our eyes closed but I was very uncomfortable so I moved over to the other couch. He opened his eyes and I said lay down and rest, honey. He pulled out his cell phone, looked at the time, and said "I've got to go," very abruptly. I said, No just lay down and rest and he said, "i can't sleep here." his tone was agitated. I, of course, was not suggesting that he spend the night but he had napped at my house before so I was confused. To hasten the story, I eventually started to cry and told him I wanted to spend time with him. He was mad and he yelled at me. He said, "I did spend time with you." I said I wanted to spend alone time with him. He yelled things like "this is getting to be out of control" and "I just spent two days with you." I was so confused by everything and I said, "this is what you always do instead of listening and trying to care how I feel." He said, "I'm out of here." and he walked out. It was around 7 pm. I was very upset but I figured he'd cool down and call. By 10 he hadn't called so I tried to call him. I was very upset. I left messages that night and the next day, apologizing profusely for being selfish and not just letting him go home to rest. I begged him to call me. Well...21 days passed and the only reason I got to see or speak to him is that my pastor called him and organized a meeting. Scott informed me that he hadn't called me because he hadn't wanted to say things to me in anger. He said that things had been bothering him, they'd been building up and he hadn't been saying anything and it was affecting him physically. He said he'd been compromising his realtionship with God. He said he had issues and he said "I told you that before" (which he had but he'd also led me to believe that whatever those issues were, he had resolved them/worked through them with the Lord). He seemed to put it all on me but once I spoke and apologized, he simply said that he had anger issues and that we couldn't talk right now because he knew his tendencies and he needed time and would contact me when he was able. He said, "i know this is hurting you but it is hurting me more." Of course, I felt bad for him even though he had tormented me emotionally for 21 days and I tried to make him feel better. I said, "you once said you believed that we were truly supposed to be friends. Is that still true?" and he said "yes." He hugged me for a long time at the end of the meeting and when I asked about the ring, he said I should pray about whether or not I should still wear it. When I told him I still thought he was the right man for me he said that maybe we just needed to mature more. He said he was having trouble resting at night and when I asked why he said, "how could I rest? All I could think about was you." I told him that when we started talking again, if things were too much for him he had to let me know because I would have never wanted that for him. He just held onto my hands and nodded. A few weeks passed and I asked his mother if it would be okay with him if I wrote him a letter. He said yes. I wrote to him and apologized for everything I could think of and tried to encourage him. I also ended up asking about the engagement ring again, this time offering it back to him. I was surprised to get an email from him in which he said basically stated that he did not want the ring back because he had done things for me and given me things to bless me. He said he wasn't angry with me; that he'd forgiven me long ago. He said a few other nice things but then wrote that he could no longer run ahead of God because he wanted the things God wanted for him, the perfect things. Well, I was hurt by that and even more confused. I ended up asking him if we could start talking again and at what point were we running ahead of God. I thought in the meeting that he made it seem as if we at least had a chance at restoring our friendship. I asked him, if we couldn't talk, if God was truly leading him to completely shut me out of his life, for him to help me understand why. I asked a lot of specific questions, trying to make sense of all he had said the Lord had shown him and what his issues are, ect. He did not respond to me. I tried to ask again but he still would not respond. The assistant pastor ended up contacting him because he was concerned about me. Scott responded to him, saying that he had told me it was too much responsibility and he couldn't make that commitement (he hadn't said that) and that I was just looking for excuses to further our communication. He said he had explained it over and over but the other party (that would be me) was refusing to listen. He said he wasn't going to communicate with me any longer because the only way I would heal from this was removing him from the equation. He said that he believed I did understand but was unwilling to let go. He said he wasn't coming to our church anymore because he wanted to spare me the agony of seeing or hearing him as I need to be fed the word of God and feel safe. He said he believed I was using whatever means necessary to push him into communicating with me but he would not longer communicate with anyone about this subject any longer, the relationship is over, and the only person he is accountable to is God. It seemed like he tried to make himself look good and make me look bad, but he didn't succeed in that. It has been so, so hurtful and degrading. He was professing, deep, deep love to me, even on the day of my birthday. Five days before my birthday he had sent me an email stating tha he loved me so much and wished that things allowed us to be married right now. Then he was gone. There was no warning. He made us so many promises and yet he'd never acknowledged any wrong doing. He never even acknowledged that it was wrong to ignore me for 21 days. It seemed to be emotionally abusive. He really was generally very kind and attentive towards me. People at church were shocked because they thought it seemed like he was really in love with me. Everyone at church had liked him. They thought he was such a nice guy.. I don't think anyone really knew him very well, though. I think I knew him best but I feel like I didn't know him very well at all. I have been so confused and depressed. I am pretty sure there was some manipulation in the realtionship but it is hard to say for sure. I know it probably would have been abusive relationship but I feel so messed up. He made it seem like I must have done so much wrong to him and I feel so guilty about that. I have been wrestling with all this condemnation also feel angry that he did this. Even if he really felt he could not continue with the realtionship; that he'd made a mistake about the Lord's leading - he could have ended this in a loving fashion. He could have sat me down and talked to me but instead he punished me and disposed of me. I am so confused about him. I have been saved for 11 years and we have had many difficult trials, but I have never struggled with my faith like I am struggling now. I am not in a good place at all. Does it seem the realtionship was or would have been abusive? I think it does, but I am so confused. His mother has tried to say that the Lord told him Scott to pull back and pray and that is why he ignored me for 21 days. I know the Lord's ways are not our ways, but I cannot imagine that He would lead Scott to do something in such a hurtful way.

[Faithandlove]

I'm saying a prayer for you, right now!

[Dora]

cynthia

From my experience I've seen how woman can get needy and expect from a man what only God can give them. This could be the case in your relationship. I dunno.

Also a man can feel they have to be everything to a woman. No man can be everything to any woman. Only God can. This might be the case here as well. I dunno.

If you put the two together you have a recipe for difficult times.

He does seem to be coming into the relationship with some hidden struggles. They are coming out through symptoms such as knife to his wrist, unable to talk about issues, and loosing his temper.

When we're abused we seem to loose the ability to see things the way others do. We can over look a lot and even temporarily forget about things others have done to us as we need more time to process what happened. Taking some steps back and giving yourself time to process what he's done might help you see things are not completely healthy in this relationship. Things are hurting you, and never getting resolved. That doesn't mean to toss this relationship out, but maybe slow down and get some help with working things out in this relationship and with in yourself. As I'm sure things are tumbling around inside of you as you try to figure out what happened. Personally I find having a counselor to talk to about daily things is such a blessing because it gives me someone elses view. Someone who can see that we're being treated poorly when we can't see it because we use to being treated that way.

I have found when I want something terribly bad I have a hard time hearing God say, "no" or "not now." Because my feelings are screaming louder than His voice. I can convince myself God said yes when in reality it wasn't Him saying it at all. You see some red flags. That COULD be God showing you this is a mistake. Not saying it is. Just saying it Could be your answer.

Use this time to get closer to God. Through these steps, through church, through personal quiet time with Him.

[cynthia]

Pine, thank you for your thoughts. I definitely don't think I was depending more on Scott than God although Scott was constantly offering to help me with my son. He offered help in many areas but I tried not take him up on things. Still, he was saying he was going to be my husbdan and my children's father. Just to clarify. my birthday was the only time i ever cried and asked Scott to stay. It was one day, a day he'd built up for two months and his behavior was confusing and I was upset. He wanted to spend a lot of time with me, particularily late at night, and it was wearing on me because I was so tired. If he made the decision on the time we spent together, everything was fine, but if I was initiating things, it didn't always pan out and I was often disappointed. I don't think it was particularly fair to me. If I had regularly cried and begged for his time, then I could understand him beineg very upset with me, but it only happened on my birthday. Often when I wanted to end our time together, generally because I was so tired, he would let me know his disappointment. He wasn't mean about it but it was enough to activate my guilt. Scott may have felt he needed to be everything to me, though. He seemed to always want to fix things and that was probably a lot on him. He seemed to want to rescue me when something went wrong and sometimes went to great extremes. It was very sweet, but I am not sure what the heart was behind it. I have to be quite honest, though. I feel he was depending on me to meet all of his needs and I was apparently failing to do so. He thought that once we got married he'd be able to sleep better at night and despite me trying to realistically present my flaws to him, he would not believe me. I don't know what he expected from me. He told me how much he wanted tod do all these things for me, but his words didn't always match his actions. He did do a lot of great things, though. Don't get me wrong. But I did things for him as well. He knew what my situation was like from the start and expressed both an eagerness and willingness to help but then he apparently tallied my wrongs and decided it was more than he could handle. It contradicted everything he had once said. I do need help with my son and God has provided supports in that area. Scott volunteered to help, to come to appointments, etc. And like I said, he built my birthday up for two months. I was excited. But, as always, the plans we had were suddenly altered. I know I behaved poorly and I apologized profusely for my behavior but that did not merit his treatment towards me. Even if the relationship had to end, he could have sat me and down and talked to me. You don't make all these promises to someone, propose to them, and then walk out and refuse to talk to that person. We're not children. He's a 37 year old man and we're Christians. He also led me to believe that there would be contact between us again but then he chose to change that. I feel what he did was punitive and self-preserving, although he says he is doing it to protect me and that it is hurting him more than it is hurting me. I felt like things were always getting turned around so I was feeling bad for Scott and trying to make him feel better. I even tried to make him feel better for doing this. I was deeply hurt but worried about his emotional state. Then, once he degraded me in that email to the assistant pastor, I began to really question his character. I have spent enough time blaming myself. I am expressing how deeply hurt and confused I am and how I have been beating myself up and apologizing for so many things. I have been taking care of my kids and living for the Lord by myself for a long time. The thing that frustrates me is that Scott tried to make it so I would depend on him and then claimed it was too much responsibility. It wasn't a very fair thing to do.

I think you are correct in saying that I may have wanted something so badly, that I allowed myself to believe that God was saying "yes" although the red flags were probably His way of showing me this was not what He wanted for me. It's still a hard thing. I cannot even begin to describe how traumatic it was to the emotions of me and my children. We loved him and this came with absolutely no warning. I thought we were happy and in love and we were planning a wedding. I would have never expected him to behave as he has. Even if he was getting upset about things, I have no idea why he couldn't have discussed things with me. I never even knew there was an issue and I was never given an opportunity to change things. What he did was really pretty mean. I don't know if he would have ever talked to me at all if my pastor had not organized that meeting.

I guess I just struggle so much now because I had continuously prayed for the Lord to close the door if this wasn't His will back when Scott began pursuing me. Doors seemed to continuously open for us. I am sure the Lord had a purpose for us in this and that He allowed it. I just wish it had never gone so far. I have this ring that represents something very painful to me now. I was very much in love with Scott, despite some of the issues. I guess I felt that issues will occur in a realtionship and that true, uncondional love is a choice. I was choosing to still love him no matter what. He did do some hurtful things but he did wonderful things as well. MOst of all, I just loved talking to him. He was so smart and interesting and funny. I am struggling now. I feel angry at what he did. I feel hurt. I do feel far from God though I am still reading my Bible everyday and spending time in prayer. It just hasn't been the same. I once felt much closer to God. I've been very depressed. I've felt as if I must have done a lot wrong for it to come to this but I am not sure if Scott was sincere in much of what he said to me or what he offered. He professed deep love everyday. He'd even write things in emails like, "i love you so much I can barley focus on my work." I think he wrote that about a week before he left. What happened between us has been such a painful shock.

[cynthia]

Okay, I think I do understand that the weeds that satan has planted produce this idea in my mind that this is all my fault; that I blew it. I had this man that I adored and I keep thinking, if only I hadn't cried on my brithday, if only I hadn't done this or that or said this or that, if only I'd been more sensitive to him. I think part of stems from the fact that I always have struggled with self-condemantion but haven't always recognized it as such and I have trouble applying the concept of taking thoughts captive. I think I have allowed Scott to define me in this way, instead of allowing God to define me because what he did was degrading and he has put it on me insetad of acknowledging any worngdoing on his part. I keep taking the blame and I have been so emotionally exhausted by all the guilt, both because of my perception of what I must have done to Scott and because my kids got so hurt. It's hard to see it differently simply because Scott was so amazing most of the time. He essentially swept me off my feet and then dropped me. I am not sure how to really see this diffeerently, though, to pull the weeds. Are they truly lies? I mean, if I did things wrong in the realtionship, I have to recognize that. I beleiev that if our relationship had truly been Christ-cenetered, we should have been able to resolve our issues in a loving way. I did initailly try to tal about things with his but he generally either got depressed or angry and it was hard. He never discussed any issues with me and I never knew he was upset about anything more than the things we had argued about. I am not sure that we ever really resolved anything, though. I want to be able to learn from this and perhaps then I will be able to better handle relationships with people in general. I have not had a close relationship with a man since my husband so this was a brand new experience for me. It's frustarting tha I was not given the chance to learn within the relationship. I think my distance from God may very well stem from the fact that I am not letting Him refine me, but instead getting stuck in this rut of self-blame and self-pity. I don't know.

[fulsworld]

Hi Cynthia-you didnt do anything wrong (based on what you explained above),except get too involved too soon with a very obviously troubled person. The thing with his mom- Cynthia-that was abnormal. (And I bet you felt that somewhere inside from the first.) It is so hard-these relationships, because when you are up in them you cant see the BIG PICTURE. You get all caught up in the details, meanwhile, there's a grown man who has his mom interceding for him! Then later,you mentioned his "issues" that he would not elaborate on, except to tell you they were resolved. When someone is about to marry you, neither party should have too much trouble sharing ALL about themselves. When there are "taboo" subjects right off the bat, it is a very bad sign. Again,not "normal."

It helps if there are older women in your church that you could talk to the next time you start a relationship. An older Chirstian woman, who has wisdom, can really really help you to see that big picture. But please, by all means, please do NOT condemn yourself. This guy DOES have issues, which he admitted. (But in the same breath he'd then come on strong re:loving you and wanting a life with you and your kids.) A right relationship will not have your emotions jumping thru hoops, wondering did I do this wrong? Or did I do that wrong? Every relationship has bumps in the road- but not such big major ones- at least not in the beginning. He had GIANT red flags all around him. That you could not see. And that's NOT your fault. You've been working alone so long, being a good mom. Totally reasonable to want a man in your life. He was a bad choice. You are a good choice, no wonder he had had his eye on you. He is NOT a good choice, and he was lucky that you bothered with him at all. Ask God to send you the RIGHT guy.. And then, have one of those older/wiser women frineds available that you can run things by, in case you are not sure about something. You will get on the right track and have a guy who will treat you like a princess, like you deserve! But by all means, PLEASE, DONTLET THIS TROUBLED GUY MAKE YOU FELL BAD ABOUT YOURSELF! He should be apologizing all over you. And you have a reason to feel anger. Take all that to God, and lean on Him for the wisdom to make a better choice next time. You are worth a good man's time. A good man. God bless you and your family.

[cynthia]

Thank you, fulsworld, for your words of encouragement. I am sure I did do some things wrong in the realtionship, as we all do, but I don't think it could have ever warranted this type of treatment from him. Plus, he never told me that I was doing things that bothered him. He never allowed me the opportunity to make anything right. The end happened so abruptly, without warning.

I did think the situation with his mother was strange. Initially I thought maybe he was too nervous to call me himself until he openly revealed that we could only talk "through" his mother, so to speak. He said I would be able to have his number when the time was right. I do have an older friend at church, the assistant pastor's wife, and I did talk to her about him. She wasn't sure what to make of the situation but didn't think a woman should ever call a man anyway. She thought perhaps he was using his mom as a protector, although it is really the woman who should have the protector. He had eventually explained that he'd been married before and that it had been a very traumatic experience for him. I tried to understand things, but I guess I began to understand less as our relationship became serious. For example, I did not understand why he let his dad control him so much, to the point that he would alter plans with me so he could do something with or for his dad. It also seemed like he wanted his mom to come live with us when we got married. He nevcer directly stated that, but I thought he was hinting at it. I was worried that he was not going to "leave and cleave." I really felt he needed to move out of that house, but it had to be the Holy Spirit's leading. However, there was a great opportunity for him to go rent a room from this lady from our church. It would be a reasonable price that would still allow him to pay off his debt. He was supposed to be praying about that, but I am not sure he would have ever had the courage to leave that house. He hadn't even told his father that we were engaged.

My friend from church had suggested that her husband talk to Scott about his intentions prior to me confronting the issue, but I had declined the offer. I was worried that it would upset Scott if I had someone else involved. In the furture, if the Lord does allow another man in my life, I would very much like intervention and help. I believe we should be seeking wise counsel together and separately. I regret that I did not allow that with Scott. I was scared. Once issues began, my friend suggested that we go to my pastor and his wife for counsel but I thought," everyone likes Scott so much. No one is going to believe me." In a sense, that's how it did all play out when he walked out on my birthday. I know my pastor and his wife meant well, but because they thought Scott was such a nice guy, they defended him and made excuses for his behavior and I felt even worse. I think they just really believed that he was going through something, which I believed, too, and taht he would come around and do the right thing eventually. They probably thought they were encouraging me. I think they see him differently now and I am sure that was hard for them because they loved him. He was so nice to everyone, so I can certainly see why it would be hard to accept that he isn't as nice as he seemed to be. As a matter of fact, even now I am still struggling to fully accept that. To be honest, he did often make me feel like a princess, but sometimes (not too often) I felt insecure because of some comment or because it seemed like I had made him mad, but then he was fine two seconds later.

I am probably just rambling on and I am sorry but this was rather traumatic. It is almost like he died, but I know he is still out there and yet everything is unresolved. I realize now that a relationship with the right man should not include so much confusion. The relationship did move too quickly and I think he was looking for an ideal, not a reality. I'm not sure. I cared deeply for him. I still do. He had so many positive qualities, but I am not sure what is true of his character. I have read many times that abusers push for quick commitment because they know they cannot hold up the facade for long. perhaps that was the case with him. He did say in the meeting that he did not want to hurt me, but it seemed like such a contradiction because of how cruel he'd been by ignoring me for 21 days. There were a lot of contradictions. He said all that stuff about not wanting to call me because he didn't want to say things in anger and how things had been bothering him, but at the end when he was hugging me, I again apologized for what had happened on my birthday he said, "I forgave you the moment I walked out the door." That does not seem to go along with what he initially said and if that were true, I would think he would have turned around or, at the very least, answered the phone.

The things is...no matter how bad he might sound because of some of what I've written, he was so wonderful in so many ways. I grieve the loss of my friend, the man I loved, and the future that I was beginning to make plans for. I grieve the loss of what I knew to be true because this was quite a betrayal. I regret times when I may have been insensitive towards him or just plain selfish, although my older friend that I've mentioned has told me that all the things I did "wrong" in the relationship are quite normal and that we should have been able to discuss them. She said that she and her husband had plenty of fights before and after they got married as God refined them and she said that she said far worse things and was emotional many more times than I was. I try to take comfort in that, but it is still so hard. If you'd met Scott, you'd see why. People all said, "He's such a goldy man. He'd such a nice guy. You are so blessed." His behavior since my birthday does not seem to be godly or nice. I know we are all sinners and I never expected perfection, but I cannot understand how he can do this and not even acknowledge wrongdoing.

Sometimes I wonder if he simply preyed upon my vulnerabilities. I mean, what single mother would not want to hear, "I just want to help and encourage you and I want you to know that the Lord heard your cry."

I am not sure if I made things worse for him emotionally by pursuing some type of understanding but, at the same time, I think that I may have enabled him by continuously apologizing instead of actually telling him that what he did was wrong and that I needed a clearer explanation. It just took me so long to process everything that had happened. I wish I had asked more questions in the meeting, when he was sitting before me and under some obligation to answer, but I was in shock plus I am not sure if he would have been less vague, even if I had asked questions.

This was just a terrible betrayal although I know that within a betrayal we can better relate to the sufferings of Christ as we are molded into his image. I do know I was far from perfect in the relationship, though. I am just struggling a lot but I know God has not left me even though I do feel this distance.

I am very thankful for the words of encouragement. This has really taken its toll on my emotions and on my kids' emotions, too. He never even said goodbye to them.

[cynthia]

Okay... I just read stepping stone #4

I guess I am struggling to forgive myself because it seems the consequences doled out by him for whatever I may have done wrong in the relationship were awfully extreme. I have spent a lot of time thinking that I was insensitive to this very loving and sensitive man. But what he's done now...it was not very loving at all. He's had all this trauma in his life and I desperately did not want to be a contributor to that.

I might be struggling to forgive him as well. I am not really sure. I still pray for him everyday and also pray that he'll really forgive me. I don't think I really believe he has forgiven me based on the way he has handled all of this. He said he'd forgiven me, but his actions and the words he wrote to the assistant pastor suggest otherwise.

It all sounds so simple in the steps, but I guess I am struggling with application. I have continued to read my BIble everyday and spend time in prayer. I talk to God often but cannot remember the last time I heard His still, small voice.

[Dora]

Sin is sin because it causes people harm, not because God just wanted to give us a list of what we shouldn't do. He wants us to not do it cause it hurts ourselves and others. Consequences are the harm our sins causes. Consequences are not doled out by God as punishment. God is love. Everything He does is in love. Even when He tells us not to do something, it's cause it's for the best for us.

Keep sharing sister. I hope you feel the steps are helping. You seem so much more peaceful.

[cynthia]

Hi Pine

I was talking about the consequences doled out by Scott, not by God. The consequences that Scott has placed upon me because of his perception of what I have done wrong. God chastens those that He loves. What Scott has done is not loving at all and it has taken its toll on me. It wasn't a godly or loving thing to do. I am sorry if I miscommunicated that.

[fulsworld]

Hi Cynthia-all the stuff you wrote here tells me in your heart you WERE discerning the truth about this guy. He's broken. Not a good choice for a husband, or a Dad. Broken people of course can be fixed- IF IF IF they WANT to be, he does not. He is also WEAK. I mean in the way a MAN should NOT be weak if you are looking for a huband and a father. And you were discerning all that too, your feelings just over-rode your wisdom--Cynthia- I think GOD was there every minute, speaking to you about Scott- and your flesh just kind of drowned out God's voice. Gosh- we ALL do that. ALL of us. Because we are human and have needs and fears. But see, you DID seek out"wise counsel"--and you DID recognize that some of his behavior was wrong.

Girlfriend--You are doing fine! Keep walking with God. He is there!!! Remember He's got that "still small voice." The voices of the enemy and of people in this world are often LOUD and when we are hearing those people talk, they drown out God's voice. Dont let a bad guy get you thinking God is not there with you all the time. He IS He IS! You can ABSOLUTELY count on that. (God PROMISED that,and you can take it to the bank. ) Now you and your kids go have a good day. You sound like a lovely woman, and a good mom. You hang in. Just keep going. It will get better. Keep doing what you are doing. You are on the right path!!' God bless you!

[cynthia]

Thank you, Fulsworld.

I think that I was not nearly as discerning until after the realtionship ended. He was so good with my son and so often very encouraging and supportive towards me. I guess maybe it was all an act. He was trying to be a person he wasn't.

He did push for quick commitment and was planning our future our imediately. This is the number one sign of an abuser. I have seen couples at church have much shorter courting periods, though, because of the Lord's leading, so it didn't initially seem starnge to me. It only seems strange now, in retrospect.

I loved him, or whoever I thought he was. It was really quite devastating to have him walk out on my birthday and refuse to speak to me. He was my fiance. One miniute I thought we were building a future together. I'd thought we were happy together. I had no indication that this was not the case. Then he was gone. It was just such a shock and the fact that he keeps putting it all on me and refusing to take any responsibility made it even harder.

I was reading the clickable link of "lost love" on stepping stone #5. I have definitely struggled with the "if onlies." I have wished I hadn't said or done ceratin things. I know I had selfish moments. I guess we both did although I am sure he will never see it that way.

I did love him and so this grief is great. I did initially really believe that he was the right man for me and I even thought there were confirmations from the Lord, but I guess I was deceived in that aspect.